


House of Wolves

by MistressMacha



Category: Elementary (TV), My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Conflict, F/M, Family Feels, First Love, Forbidden Love, Historical, Historical Accuracy, Ireland, Love Triangles, M/M, Military, Military Kink, Northern Ireland, Religion Kink, Religious Conflict, Smut, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 41
Words: 114,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26428981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressMacha/pseuds/MistressMacha
Summary: Set in my home country of Ireland in the city of Derry, starting at the very end of 1971. Gerard is a 22 year old UK Army SAS-trained military intelligence officer placed in a Catholic school to spy on the city. Eventually his handlers notice his bond with Erin, a girl from the neighbouring convent school and the eldest daughter of the local IRA leader who's currently on the run, and he's told to watch her and report back on her father, and NOT get attached. Only... he can't.Frank, another soldier in the unit from the same training barracks who did not score to an SAS level, is also in the middle of a hurried love affair with Gerard, and becomes dangerously jealous...A lot of people outside Ireland don't know about the civil war. Hopefully, this might change that a bit.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Gerard Way/Original Female Character(s), Mikey Way/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 34





	1. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It opens with smut. Hopefully that'll soften the historical reality that's coming.
> 
> Chapter Management

August 28, 1971

“Garrett, Beric.”  
“Hartland, Neil.”  
“Hughes, Robert.”  
“Iero, Frank Anthony.”  
“Logan, Laurence,”  
“McCracken, Robert Edward.”  
“Peacey, William.”  
“Perryman, Dylan.”  
“Sabatino, Neil.”  
“Schmidt, Christopher.”  
“Suplewska, Alexander.”  
“Toro, Raymond.”  
“Villanova, Emmet.”  
“Way, Gerard Arthur.”  
“Yos-

Gerard felt a hand suddenly grab the back of his jacket and pull him into the motor pool parking bays. “Gerard, man, you MADE it!” Frank’s eyes were sparkling, “I had to do a whole tour in this bloody awful shithole of a country WITHOUT you, dude! What was with all that extra training they made you do? How badly can you flunk out?”  
“I, uh, guess I did.” Gerard forced a shrug. “Look, we really need to get back in llghts-out roll call-“  
“FUCK night roll call, this is my second tour, remember? I know how this shit works. They really don’t care.” Frank rolled his eyes. “So if we skip the whole introductions bullshit we got, what, an extra hour?” He glanced around. “I mean, yeah, they’ll notice that the one man here with an Irish accent is missing, but they’ll figure you snuck off for a smoke or something. He grinned and went in for a kiss and Gerard pushed him back.  
Gerard took a deep breath. “Frank, we need to talk, you know, about-“  
“What was that thing you taught me when I first got to training, Gerard? Oh yes. Fuck first, talk later.” Frank took another quick glance around and shoved Gerard down on the open taiilgate of an APV, climbing on top of him and unzipping his pants.  
Gerard shifted uncomfortably, the APV door handle digging into his back. “Frank-“  
“Don’t worry, dude, people fuck here all the time, you just have to be subtle. You know how it goes, everyone does it, and no one talks about it.”  
Gerard hesitated for a second. “Ah, FUCK it!” He grabbed Frank and pulled him in for a hard, passionate kiss, rolling over so he was on top. “I may have done more training than you, soldier, but I still outrank you, and I WILL be telling you what to do, AND YOU WILL DO IT. ARE WE CLEAR?”  
Frank stared at the insignia on his arm. “Jesus, Gerard, when did you become a captain-“  
Gerard tightened his grip on Frank’s shoulders, a fire in his eyes. “ARE WE CLEAR, LIEUTENANT?”  
“SIR, YES, SIR!” There was a huge grin spreading across Frank’s face. “God, this is so much more fun than when you used to bottom-“  
“Shut your dirty mouth, soldier.” Gerard grinned, unzipped the front of his uniform pants and shoved Frank’s hand inside. “You know exactly what I want, and if you’re not fucking ready, this is going to fucking hurt.” He grabbed Frank’s lapels and kissed him hard, his teeth snagging on his lip as he raised an eyebrow and hissed “unless you want it to hurt?”  
Frank made a small whimpering noise in his throat as Gerard yanked down both their pants to mid thigh, opening his mouth and swirling his tongue slowly around the inside of his lips. He licked his hand and moved it down, coating himself in saliva, and then pinned Frank’s hands above his head, yanking him further up onto the tailgate and climbing up to push hard inside him. Frank instinctively winced and then let out a long sigh, his fingers curling around Gerard’s hands as he pinned him hard against the metal armour plating.  
Gerard leaned down and pressed his mouth against Frank’s ear. “Is that good, soldier?”  
Frank let out a shallow gasp and Gerard started to push deeper and harder, his hands tightening around Frank’s wrists as he snarled “I SAID, IS THAT GOOD, SOLDIER?”  
“SIR, YES, SIR!” Frank’s eyes were glazing over, a dazed smile spreading across his face. “Sir, am I permitted to tell you that I have missed you, Sir?”  
“You may, Lieutenant.” Gerard smiled a little, then gestured down. “Tuck that thing of yours inside your uniform, soldier, I don’t want to have to return to the barracks reeking of you.” He released Frank’s right hand for a minute and he scrambled to do as he was told, and then quickly put hand back up over his head.  
“Oh God, oh God, oh God…” Frank was panting heavily and Gerard smiled, leaned down, and kissed him passionately, pressing his body against the metal of the APV.  
“I’m going to go harder now, soldier. Is that acceptable?” Gerard flicked his tongue against Frank’s ear and Frank made a strangled whimper. “I SAID, IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?”  
“SIR, YES, SIR!” Frank had a huge grin on his face as Gerard used his knees to shove himself deeper and harder inside him, his entire body jerking. “Christ, Gerard, this is so fucking hot…”  
Gerard barely suppressed a smile. “I know…”  
“Jesus, Gerard…” Frank suddenly realised how violently the tailgate was creaking and bouncing up and down on its hinges. “What if we break it?”  
Gerard immediately started putting all his weight into bouncing it up and down, “God, I fucking HOPE we do, that would be HILARIOUS…”  
Frank burst into uncontrollable giggles. “Gerard, come on…”  
“Are you telling me to come on, soldier?” Gerard raised his eyebrows.  
Frank’s eyes widened. “I… yes. Come on and let’s break this fucking piece of shit tailgate.”  
A smile was playing around the corners of Gerard’s mouth. “Are you telling me to come on and break this fucking piece of shit tailgate, soldier?”  
Frank burst out laughing. “SIR, YES, SIR!”  
“Well then…” Gerard began to move faster and harder, throwing his weight up and down on the tailgate in time with his thrusts until the right hinge gave way and the tailgate snapped off with a screech of rending metal and dumped them both on the floor. He laughed, grabbed Frank’s wrists and pinned his hands back above his head, listening to Frank’s whimpers of pleasure and kissing him more and more passionately until he felt the strangled cry and jerk Frank always made as he came.  
“I’ve missed you too, Lieutenant Iero.” Gerard kissed his cheek and lay on top of him for a minute, his face pressed into the side of his neck.  
Frank took a breath. “Would you like me to-“  
Gerard laughed softly. “You’re insane if you don’t think I already came.” He finally let go of Frank’s wrists, standing up and straightening up his clothes. “Let’s get this straight right now, Lieutenant: this will not be like Deepcut. We are no longer equals, and we work on orders from those above us. Everything is hidden. We do not fraternise in public, and we are never seen at social gatherings or out alone together. EVER.”  
Frank stared at him, climbing off the APV and pulling up his pants. “Gera- I mean, Captain, we’re not exactly unfamiliar with secrecy. Remember what they used to do to people like us at Deepcut?”  
“Yes.” Gerard looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes, I remember.” He looked at Frank. “What I’m trying to say is, this will not be a regular thing. Not like before. I don’t like it, but… that’s how it has to be.” He smiled sadly. “You leave first, soldier. I’ll follow in fifteen minutes or so. If anyone asks, I’m in the bathroom with the Guinness shits. Got it?”  
Frank laughed and Gerard smiled and hugged him tight, pressing his lips against his forehead. “And the tailgate was like that when we got here.”  
Gerard nodded. “And the tailgate was like that when we got here.”

“Guinness shits, huh?” Ray looked up at him as Gerard walked into the barracks, feigning discomfort. Actually, he thought he might broken something in his ass when he and Frank did the sideways roll off the tailgate, so it wasn’t exactly difficult.  
“Yeah.” Gerard shrugged. “I think it was that eighth pint that did it. I even missed night roll call.” He looked around casually. “Anyone notice I wasn’t there?”  
“Nah. Beric put on an accent, which isn't hard because he's Welsh anyway, and answered for you.” Neil shrugged. “Anyway, it was just one call. Worse things have happened. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how many desertions we get.”  
Gerard frowned. “Desertions? Why?”  
Bert shrugged. “Ah, they just can’t fucking hack it here. All the women and babies and old people. They’re all in on it, you know, however poor and innocent they look." He glared at Gerard. "ALL of them..."  
Frank leaned over from the next bed and lowered his voice. "Ignore Bert, Gerard. He's gotten a little... paranoid."  
"Bastards." Bert was still grimacing. "Bastards, bastards, sick bastards, the lot of them. Still reminds our boys of home, if you can believe it.”  
Gerard stuck his head out the door and looked around. Outside the barbed wire of the barracks, apart from the flags and the murals and the tanks, it DID look like home. “Sorry Bert, I guess I just don’t get it.”  
Frank gave him a dark look. “Trust me, Gerard, you will. Just wait for the first pipe bomb. I remember picking bits of a little Catholic kid out of a tree. Imagine that's your kid brother. Imagine that's Shona. That shit changes you, Gerard. It makes you want to take a shot back at them yourself… you know, just the once or twice when no one’s looking.” Frank gave Gerard a look. “Not that we go spreading that around, Captain, if you catch my drift.”  
Gerard looked away. The frightening thing was, he did.  
Ray stretched out uncomfortably. “Wow, these barracks are cramped to shit. I can barely fucking move any more.” He shifted in his bed. "It's like you're not allowed to be tall."  
“So why have you got another unit coming in?” Gerard still couldn’t quite get his head around it. “I didn’t see any violence or anything today on the way in, not once on the entire bus ride here from Aldergrove or in the city-“  
“Ah, they’re all pissed off because of the whole internment thing, saying it’s not fair we can just arrest and lock the fucks up without bothering to charge or try them first.” Frank rolled his eyes. “So now they’ve all stopped paying rent on their hovels and started going on hunger strike, like a few less of the shits will really be something to cry about. Especially that Devlin bitch, she’s striking outside Downing Street right now.”  
Gerard frowned. “But… that isn’t fair, isn’t that kind of like a concentration cam-“  
“Gerard, I don’t think you’re understanding what our job here is.” A nasty glint came into Frank’s eyes. “We’re here to control these idiots, not save them from themselves. Getting rid of the worst of the biggest idiots means the rest of the ones we’re here to get will behave nicely and play the fuck along.”  
Gerard took a step forward, narrowing his eyes. “I thought we were here to protect them, not to ‘get’ them.”  
There was a loud roar of laughter through the barracks. “Yeah, sure we are, ha ha. Good one, Gerard. We’ve got to get that Irish accent out of you before they infect you!”  
Gerard just stared. “You’re not the same Frank that left Deepcut.”  
Frank let out an odd, tortured shriek of laughter. “Look around you, Gerard! NONE of us are the same! Give it a few months…” He looked right at him, tears in his eyes. “Give it a few months, and you won’t be the same Gerard that left Deepcut either.”  
Gerard shifted uncomfortably. Frank had no idea how right he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deepcut is a real barracks, notorious for a string of homophobic murders disguised as suicides and covered up by the Army - hence, Gerard and Frank's ingrained and genuine fear of discovery.
> 
> The APVs were used to transport British troops on patrol around the city. In the US, they're the equivalent of armoured Humvees.
> 
> Bernadette Devlin was a student protestor from Derry who remains the youngest woman ever elected to UK Parliament, aged in her late teens. She was, quite frankly, a badass, although she's gone a little nuts of late. Downing Street, Americans, is like the British equivalent of the White House crossed with the Capitol.
> 
> Internment was - and still is - real. No charge, no trial, no sentence... just indefinite and technically legal imprisonment. Google it.
> 
> And yes, if you're not used to it, proper Irish Guinness will give you the epic shits. I once had an American friend miss his flight back because he was literally clinging to the toilet, crying for his mother, and screaming Hail Marys.


	2. Chapter 2

“Dear Mikey,

I’ve been here four days and it’s… strange. In the barracks, it’s just like [censored] was - we play cards, we make dirty jokes, we trade pictures of the various girlfriends we have at home, and we talk about the latest [censored] we’ve been given. Even [censored] is here, which is great because I’d really missed him from training at [censored].

Outside the barracks, [censored] looks like any other town from home. It’s sometimes difficult to remember why we’re meant to be such different people, because… well, they seem the same. I’m [censored] this afternoon to get to know the different parts of the city before I [censored] next week, and I go out in my civvies sometimes to buy snacks and the people that live here laugh and joke with me, although I suppose that’s the Irish accent working for me too. They sometimes ask where I’m from, because I haven’t picked up the [censored] ‘edge’ yet, I always say Monaghan, because that’s where we lived with Ma until she died and we had to move to London to live with Dad, even though we never lost the accent. In the barracks, the other soldiers sometimes joke about having to “beat that scummy accent out of me, before I become one of ‘them’.” Then again, they don’t know I’m meant to [censored] soon.

Sometimes, a part of me wonders whether they’re really joking all that much.

I miss you. Say hi to your current girl for me (they change all the time with you, I can never keep up.)

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

September 3, 1971

“Captain Way, you know what your main assignment is here.”  
Gerard nodded, his back ramrod straight and his chin up, his arms snapped straight at his sides. “Yes, Sir. Integrate into the local population and establish relationships with the key IRA men here.”  
“Yes, that’s why you’ve been permitted to grow your hair so long. We’ve purchased you a house in the Bogside region of the city through a plant we have in Belfast. That’s the real Republican shithole in this city. When you move in there in two days, we will use a van painted with the name of a Belfast moving company to unload Army-purchased and modified furniture. There will be listening devices actually built into the furniture, so not even the most skilled Republican bug seeker will find them. The only rooms we will not tap are your bedroom and the bathroom, for privacy’s sake, although we expect you to report any and all things you may learn in these places in your weekly briefing. The phone line will be tapped from outside your house so you cannot be accused of complicity. I suggest you use the next two days to think of a suitable cover for yourself, based upon what you see of the city from your tours of the city walls. I’m reluctant to put you any closer while you’re in uniform in case you’re recognised after integrating, even if the helmet does put a lot of your face into shadow. I suggest you pin your hair up underneath it to hide it to make yourself even less recognisable. You do not detour from the city walls in uniform. Understood?”  
“Yes, Sir.” Gerard glanced at his helmet, which was basically the same as the riding helmets he had worn as a child at horse-riding classes, just with camouflage fabric stretched over it. He couldn’t imagine it’d do much to deflect any bullets or shrapnel.  
“And you are under no circumstances to tell any of the other soldiers in the barracks what your role here is. As far as they’re concerned, you’ve turned. You deal only with Military Intelligence. Do you understand?”  
Gerard looked down sadly. “Yes, Sir.”  
His commander’s face softened a little. “I know it will be difficult, given that you trained with some of these men, and especially given your close friendship with Lieutenant Iero, but it is the way it has to be. You knew this was a possibility when you were selected for SAS training at Deepcut. You will be embedded here for as long as is necessary and if there is any possibility that you are compromised as a civilian, you will be immediately withdrawn. However…” He took a deep breath. “If you choose to become a member of the IRA, even if you do not participate in any of their activities, and they come to believe you are an informer, we will not intervene, and you know what they will do to you. Is that clear?”  
Yeah, two guns to the back of the head and fist-sized exit wounds through my eyes, and then you’ll tie ropes to my feet and drag me along the road behind an APV for a hundred yards in case my body is booby-trapped. Gerard winced and swallowed nervously. “Yes, Sir.”  
“Good. At ease, soldier. You’re placed on tour with Lieutenant Iero and Corporal Hartland today. You’re not scheduled on duty for another hour, so you have time for a quick phone call to your fiancee back in England… Sarah, was it?”  
Gerard suddenly felt uneasy. He didn’t recall ever telling this man he was engaged, let alone her name. He also had the feeling that he knew exactly what her name was, and was faking confusion. Hell, he probably even knew her cup size. “Shona, Sir.”  
“Ah, yes. Shona.” The officer put on a buddy-buddy grin and clapped Gerard on the shoulder. “I’m sure she misses you already. Send her my congratulations on your engagement.”  
Gerard eyed him suspiciously. “I will.”

“Gerard, you will not BELIEVE this new hardware we’ve been issued with!” Gerard hadn’t seen Frank so excited since… well, since they’d broken the tailgate. “I know we’re trained for centre-mass, but usually that just means the fuckers will spend a few days in the hospital and walk away. But THESE-“ He held up a serious-looking rifle, with an enormous magazine and a telescopic sight. “These, the hole they leave when they go in is small, but the size of the exit wound… it’s like a fucking DINNER PLATE!”  
Neil grinned. “Yeah, leaves all their insides painted over the nearest wall. Now that’s the kind of mural I like!” He and Frank high-fived, matching grins on their faces. “Isn’t that AWESOME?”  
“Uh, yeah, sounds AMAZING!” Gerard faked a huge smile as they handed him his rifle and he buckled his helmet, feeling a bit weird knowing that his hair was full of the same bobby pins Shona used on her nights out. “I can’t wait to get to use it!”  
“I KNOW, right?” Neil was almost beside himself. “God, Gerard, we have GOT to get rid of that accent. You sound like you just crawled out of the bogs. How’d you get it?”  
“Irish mother, English father.” Gerard shrugged. “They met at Trinity Dublin, she got pregnant, they moved back to Monaghan where she’s from, then he fucked off when I was six and my brother was two, and we stayed with her in Monaghan until she died four years later and we had to move in with him and his new wife in London.” He grimaced. “She was a proper bitch, his new wife. I joined the Army when I was eighteen just to get away from her… and then two years later the shit suddenly kicked off over here and I got sent over.”  
“Jesus, you’re 22?!” Neil’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “You look about 16!”  
“I know. He has a proper little baby face, don’t you?” Frank reached out and squeezed the sides of his face, and Gerard swatted him away. “It’s those chubby baby cheeks and big eyes, isn’t it, Gerard?”  
“Fuck off, Frank,” muttered Gerard, blushing bright red.  
“He’s right though, it is.” Neil was staring at him too now. “You must get ID’d for bars all the time.”  
“Yeah.” Gerard looked down and rubbed his neck uncomfortably. “Every time.”  
“Bummer.” Neil shook his head sympathetically.  
“Right, bitches, are we going to talk all day or are we going to head on out there and wave these awesome new guns at them?” Frank grinned.  
“Head on out there!” Neil slung his rifle across his body and followed Frank. Gerard took a deep breath, pulled the helmet as low as he could over his face, and headed out of the barracks and up onto the city walls.

“See, that down there is the Fountain.” Frank pointed down at an estate marked mostly by Union Jack flags and ‘UDA’, ‘UVF’ ‘Red Hand’, and ‘King Billy’ murals. “They’re the only Prods on this side of the river. Had to build a wall around the whole place to stop them and the Catholics killing each other.”  
Gerard frowned. “Why don’t they just go through the gates into the city and back out again?”  
Neil shrugged. “Fuck knows. Too stupid, I guess.” They kept walking. “That’s the Bogside.” He pointed at an area festooned with Irish flags and Gerard immediately recognised it as the area he’d been going to over the past four days to buy chocolate and crisps. Oops. “Won’t find anything good there. Just scum and more scum.”  
“Hey, Gerard, look at this, look at this!” Frank was pointing into the telescopic sight of his rifle and Gerard obediently peered through it, then bolted back when he saw an old man carrying a shopping bag in the centre of the crosshairs. “Jesus, Frank, what the fuck are you doing?”  
“No, look how far away he is!” Frank pointed into the Bogside and Gerard saw him passing Free Derry Corner. “It’s like point blank range!”  
“But you don’t just point a gun at some random stranger!” Gerard was backing away from him and both Frank and Neil were staring at him in puzzlement. “You just… you don’t!”  
“Why not? It’s not like he knows about it, and they shoot at us all the damn time.” Frank shrugged and slung his rifle back across his shoulder. “It’s just a bit of fun.”  
“Yeah, Jesus, Gerard, lighten up.” Neil rolled his eyes and they kept walking, eyes scanning the streets below for any activity.  
“Give him a few days, Neil, he’ll get there.” Frank patted Gerard on the shoulder and he had to fight the urge to shiver. “You see that crossroads up there, Gerard?”  
“Yes…” Gerard wasn’t really sure he wanted to hear what was coming next.  
“Big riot there a few months ago. BIG. I shot two people. Boom. Dead. Neil here only bagged one.” Frank grinned and elbowed Neil. “Loser.”  
“Shut up, Frank. We’ll see who comes out on top next time.” Neil was blushing bright red under his helmet.  
Gerard focused on looking out over the walls and blocking out the bantering between the two men. Just don’t listen, it’s two shifts around the walls, two shifts, only two, and you’ll be with someone else next time, they might not be the same… oh God, what if they ARE the same, what if they’re all the same, what if I end up LIKE them…  
“That estate up on the hill there is the Creggan, and it’s built right on top of a fucking bog. EVERY place there has damp, and yet they still live there. And they wonder why we call them bog dwellers.” Neil rolled his eyes. “Oh, look. School buses letting out down on William Street.” He gestured down uninterestedly and Gerard immediately caught himself staring at a girl with pale freckled skin and long red hair in a hitched-up dark blue and red plaid kilt, white blouse, and white knee-high socks, with high clompy-soled shoes. She had a dark blue knitted sweater tied loosely around her hips and a dark blue blazer slung over one arm, a messenger bag dangling off one shoulder.  
“Gerard. Put your eyes back in your head. We’re not here to leer.” Neil poked him in the ribs.  
“What, are you kidding? She can’t be more than… than maybe fifteen, I mean, she’s in a school uniform…” Gerard was horribly aware that he was blushing and feeling like a complete pervert.  
“Seventeen.” Frank raised an eyebrow. “She’s from Our Lady of Sorrows Convent School. They wear uniforms all the way to eighteen in Catholic school. You should see what they make the boys at the Christian Brothers’ school next door wear.”  
Gerard looked up for a second. “Oh YEAH, I forgot you went to Catholic school, Frank-“  
“WILL YOU SHUT UP!” Frank shoved him so hard he almost fell over. “Jesus, do you want everyone in this place to be trying to kill me? At least the Prods SORT of like us!”  
“Oh.” Gerard was looking at the girl again. She had a copper and golden sheen reflecting off her hair as she hugged her friends goodbye outside the Bogside Inn and headed up one of the dozens of terraced streets, her schoolbag bouncing against her long slim legs. If she was seventeen it couldn’t hurt to LOOK, right?  
“Gerard, you’d have more chance of the entire Irish Republican Army climbing out of your ass than you’d have of hitting that.” Frank forced a laugh, but Gerard could see a flash of jealousy in his eyes. “That’s Erin Kelly.” Gerard just stared blankly back at him. “Erin KELLY? EAMON KELLY’S daughter? Biggest IRA man in the city?”  
“Oh.” Shit. Gerard quickly feigned recognition. “OH, of course, yeah. Eamon Kelly. OK.” He should really have read up on the information packet they gave him on the trip from Aldergrove, but he was too busy getting misty-eyed watching his beloved Ireland going past outside the bus windows. “And you said there’s a Catholic boys’ school next door?”  
Frank snorted. “Always is.”  
Gerard grinned to himself, glad for his hated baby face for the first time in his entire life. He thought he’d just figured out what his cover might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aldergrove was the main RAF/Army base in the North, and where they used to fly soldiers in and out of. It's about 45 minutes by bus outside Belfast and a real pain in the ass of a drive from Derry. I've been there once, when a (now-bankrupt) BMI flight to Belfast City had to make an emergency landing there.
> 
> William Street still exists, and is a main route down from inside the city walls and into the Bogside. The Bogside Inn exists too, at the bottom of Westland Street. Free Derry Corner is real as well, and marks where a row of terraced houses used to be before they were bulldozed. All the areas mentioned are real and as described, if you account for the Army's obvious bias (for example, I have met few nicer people than I did when I was in the Bogside.) The Creggan, however, sucks as much as they say it does. And yes... that really is what the IRA, and then the Army, will do to an informer.
> 
> The murals are real, and you'll see them everywhere in the North. The local people usually create them using house paint.
> 
> Erin Kelly (obviously) and her school never existed. Her school uniform is a direct copy of the one I had to wear in high school.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dear Mikey,

I’m sorry to hear Mary broke up with you. Next time, it might help if you try not to hit on her little sister while she’s in the bathroom. I’m sure you’ll find yourself another pretty girl soon enough though. You should have seen this girl I saw while [censored] yesterday though, Mikey. She was absolutely stunning. Gorgeous coppery red hair down to her waist, long legs, proper Irish curves… you’d probably have been all over it. Hell, you’d probably have jumped off [censored] and gone running after her up [censored].

Tell Shona I’ll be able to call her sometime this week, and that I love her and I miss her. She says if you hit on her sister again she’ll kill you, so stop. I know my letters have been a bit short, but there’s really not much to talk about, to be fair, except that girl, and I’m sure as hell not telling her about that. Also tell her white roses, not calla lilies. Calla lilies are for funerals, not weddings, and personally I think they smell a bit weird.

Love, Gerard XOXO

P.S. AND STOP HITTING ON SHONA’S SISTER. Christ.

——————

September 7, 1971

“So your plan, Captain Way, is to ingratiate yourself with the IRA leadership through their children by joining the local Christian Brothers school, am I correct?” His commander stared Gerard hard in the face as he stood to attention in front of him.  
“Yes, St Dominic’s Christian Brothers’ School, Sir. It’s directly next door to Our Lady of Sorrows Convent School and all the local IRA men have children enrolled in the schools. It would be an easy way in, Sir. No one ever suspects their child’s schoolmate.”  
His commander’s eyes narrowed. “Have you ever been to a Catholic school, Way?”  
“Yes, as a child in Monaghan, Sir, and I have been a practicing and devout Catholic my entire life.” Gerard was silently praying that he would get the green light on his idea.  
“And you’re saying Upper Sixth?” His commander raised his eyebrows at him. “You do know how little time that means you will have there? Why not Lower Sixth?”  
“Because students always gravitate towards the older kids, Sir. If I’m in Upper Sixth and we fix my birthday in early September, I’m already old enough to buy them cigarettes and beer. That alone will make me popular.”  
“True. Very true.” The commander was nodding and Gerard felt a burst of hope. “That’s some impressive thinking, Way. In honesty, I never would have thought of that, but it’s a fantastic way in, especially if you can get a look inside any of their houses. We’ve been trying to for months in endless different guises, but they won’t let anyone past the front hallway. You look very young too, so you should fit right in, and you definitely have a natural look of innocence about you. Must be those large hazel eyes of yours.” He scribbled something down. “I’ll have our fixer in Belfast come up with some false papers and transfer documents for you, and send you to the school uniform shop with one of our older officers from Belfast to act as your father. A group of Protestants torched Our Lady of the Angels school last week in West Belfast, so they’ll have no records at all about who may or may not have been a student there. It’s perfect.” The commander grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. “Saves us the trouble of torching the place ourselves, right, Way?”  
Gerard shifted uncomfortably. He’s joking. He’s definitely joking. Yeah, he’s probably joking. “Yes, Sir.”

“Ready for another trip out on the walls, bitches?” Frank grinned as Gerard buckled his helmet, the usual black bobby pins poking him uncomfortably in the head. “They’re going to make you cut your hair soon, Gerard, however much you try and hide it. I’m amazed they haven’t already.”  
“But my hair’s so pretty.” Gerard forced a smile and batted his eyelashes at Neil, who gave him a look of disgust.  
“It’s true, it is. I’m jealous.” Frank shrugged as they left the barracks, Gerard automatically pulling his helmet low over his face as they climbed up onto the walls.  
“I think we gave him most of the walking tour yesterday, didn’t we, Frank?” Neil was looking around the different neighbourhoods.  
“Yeah. That’s the Fountain, in case you forgot. Looks like they had a little party and burned up some cars last night.” Frank rolled his eyes. “Pretty much the highlight of their day, I’m guessing.”  
“They’re about the only people around here that like us.” Neil gestured at the Union Jack flags. “Sadly, they’re also in the minority, so we get to spend our days dodging all the other ones that don’t.”  
“Bogside again.” Frank sighed. “I’m not sure I covered the estate on the top of the hill properly yet. That’s the Creggan, basically crammed in there on a hideous bog. It was only built there so that it would fit in the Catholic electoral district, otherwise no one would even have THOUGHT of building there, however drunk they were, and no way anyone was sober when they designed this place. Part of me actually feels sorry for them. Everywhere up there has damp and it reeks, so no one wants to live there, which means that the only ones that do are the ones that have been kicked out of council housing everywhere else. Makes it a real fun place to patrol. Some will tell you Rossville Flats is worse, but it’s not. I’ve never had trouble at Rossville Flats. Hell, some of the old ladies there bring us tea and biscuits. One time-“ Frank burst out laughing. “One time, this old dear came out on William Street with some hot chocolate with marshmallows and fresh home-baked biscuits, because it was past 7pm and she ‘didn’t want us to be awake all night from that caffeine in the coffee, but it was fierce cold out and she didn’t want us catching a nasty flu’, and I had to tell her it was a bad time, because we were engaged in a fierce firefight with the IRA. ‘Ooh, are you? Well, I’ll be off then, but you can just drop the cups and plate round when you’re done.’ And we did as well. Some of the older ladies are sweethearts, they’ll bring you painkillers if they see you limping or strap up injuries for you. Some have even slipped us advance warnings of attacks on pieces of paper sandwiched within the cream between the layers of those ginger snap biscuits they love here. They take care of us, unless there’s been a recent local shooting, because we remind them of their sons.” He smiled, and then a dark look crossed his face. ”The Creggan, though… we only do it in Saracens, and even then only in groups of three. Going in there outside of an armoured vehicle is pretty much suicide. It makes the Bogside look like Candyland.” He sighed. “It’s a nice view once we get to the other side of the walls though, the River Foyle and all the nice friendly Protestants on the other side-“  
Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Gerard saw a small figure sprinting towards the walls and pulling back his arm to throw a small dark grey object at them. “GRENADE!” He dropped to one knee and had his rifle to his shoulder and lined up in less than a second as he fired off a shot, wincing as the child’s torso exploded into a red mist and the other three children burst into tears and ran screaming back up the street, dropping their grenades on the ground… where they broke into pieces and started to drip towards the gutter.  
“Hey, NICE ONE, Gerard, holy shit, you got him!” Frank shook his head in amazement.  
“It was just an egg…” Gerard sank to his knees and dropped his rifle, burying his face in his hands. “I just obliterated a kid for running at me with an egg…”  
Frank still had a huge grin on his face. “JESUS, Gerard! I could NEVER have pulled off a shot like that! I don’t think ANYONE else here could!”  
“They painted eggs dark grey… why would they paint eggs dark grey?” Gerard was shaking his head, his eyes wide and empty as he sat on the ground. “I just shot a child, Frank… I… I killed a child…”  
“Yeah, and you’re the first here to do it. A guy in Belfast scored a priest, and they’ve taken down a few kids there too, but no one else here got a kid before. That little fuck would have spawned at least 12 more terrorists in the next 15 years and you cut it right off at the source.” Neil clapped him on the back. “And Frank’s right, that shot was INSANE. How the hell did you flunk Deepcut the first time if you can shoot like that?”  
Because I didn’t flunk Deepcut, I came top of my class and they lied about the extra training I had to take and now I’m SAS. “Extra practice, I guess.” Gerard’s voice was still an empty monotone, tears streaming down his face. “I want to go home now. When can I go home?”  
“To the barracks? Right the fuck now. They’ll be sending reinforcements out immediately to scare off the armed response from the city for killing one of their devil spawn.” Frank pulled him to his feet. “We won’t have to go, though. ‘Extra debriefing’. Freebie day off, more like it.” Frank looked at him and he immediately dropped the humour when he saw his face, his voice softening. “Come on, Gerard. It’s OK. I’ll look after you.”  
“I shot a child, Frank.” Gerard stared at him blankly as Frank helped him back along the walls. “How can you even look at me?”  
“Normally, Gerard, it would be terrible, but those things are not just children. They’re miniature terrorists.” Frank put his arm around Gerard’s shoulders and hugged him soothingly. “Today it’s eggs. Tomorrow, they might have real grenades. Terrorists could so easily use them, because you just don’t want to hurt a kid. It’s human instinct, and they’ll exploit that. You just don’t know.”  
“They were playing a game.” Gerard stared at him. “They saw the grown-ups doing it and they were playing it out themselves. They were just being children. They just… it didn’t occur to them that the guns might be real when their grenades weren’t…”  
“Look, it’s OK, Gerard, it’s going to be OK, you just need a little while to calm down…” Frank gave Neil a look. “He’s always been a bit sensitive. Just give him a minute.”  
Gerard looked up at him, and for the first time since he’d gotten to Ireland he saw the same Frank he’d known at Deepcut. “Frank…” He suddenly wrapped both his arms around him and hugged him so tight that Frank could barely breathe. “Oh God, Frank, I’ve missed you, where have you been…”  
“I’ve been right here, Gerard, the whole time, right here with you.” Frank hugged him back and snuck a kiss into the side of his neck. “You know that.”  
Gerard shook his head. “No, no, you’ve been weird, you’ve not been the same, you don’t understand…”  
“It’s this awful place, Gerard. You see things, you do things, it… it changes you. Sometimes, it breaks you. It’s just hard to keep a hold of yourself when you go out in this every day, especially when you get assigned street patrols and checkpoints.” Frank stroked his back reassuringly while Neil loitered maybe 100 metres away, giving them some space. “You’ll learn that.”  
Gerard pulled back and looked into his eyes. “Don’t let it break you, Frank. Please. You’re too good a person, you’re funny, and you’re kind, remember that, hold onto that, please, hold onto that, and I’m going to need you over the next few months, it’s… I…” He swallowed hard.”I… Frank, I have to tell you something, OK, but not the other Frank, not THAT Frank, this Frank, be you, the one I know…” He looked at him seriously. “Meet me outside the barracks. Tonight. Alone. Free time. Promise?”  
Frank frowned. “Why not just in a quiet corner-“  
“BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS LISTENING,” hissed Gerard. “ALWAYS, so, promise me…”  
Frank gave him an odd look. “Gerard, you sound like a crazy person-“  
“Trust me. Frank, I know EVERYTHING.” Gerard tightened his grip on Frank’s arms. “PROMISE ME, and COME ALONE.”  
“OK, OK, I promise.” Frank eyed him suspiciously and went back to helping him back along the walls. “It’s OK, Gerard, it’ll be OK…”  
“No, Frank, I did something terrible…” Gerard began to sob. “I want to go home, Frank, I want to go home…”  
“Now you see why we get so many desertions.” Neil was back, smiling sympathetically. “The first one’s always hard. Go and lie down for a while. They’ll probably send the chaplain over too, for a quick chat.”  
Frank nodded. “Just try to focus not on what happened, but on why you did it. It was a good shooting. You saw a figure about to throw a dark grey object that looked like a grenade at your patrol. You reacted exactly as we’re trained to do. You just don’t have time to assess every angle in that situation, Gerard. You just DON’T. It’s impossible. If it HAD been a grenade, you’d have saved all our lives, and it easily COULD have been a grenade. Next time, it might be. Gerard, this is a civil war, and real, everyday people do live in these neighbourhoods. There aren’t any actual battlefields and the enemy soldiers look like every other person here, and that can be hard on people like you.”  
“He’s right.” Neil patted his back reassuringly. “Hang in there, Gerard. You’ll be OK. It’ll get easier.”  
I hope not, because it shouldn’t. “OK.” Gerard had tear stains on his face as they walked through the main barracks gate. “OK.”  
“I’ll stay with him, Neil, and take him to the infirmary.” Frank gave Neil a look, his arm still around Gerard’s shoulders. “He’s too upset to deal with the main barracks right now. TELL NO ONE about this. We may be friends, but I outrank you, and if I find out they know, I won’t just discipline you, I’ll fucking kill you. No. No, I won't. I’ll leave you in an IRA stronghold and let THEM have you. I’m not having the others upsetting him like this all over again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”  
“Yes, Sir.” Neil wandered off towards the barracks, looking slightly confused about where exactly the Frank he knew had gone.  
“It’s OK, Gerard, it’s OK, come on…” murmured Frank soothingly, tightening his arm around Gerard’s shoulders as he guided him towards the infirmary, and Gerard closed his eyes, trying to focus on the soothing tone of Frank’s voice and his words. “It’s OK, Gerard, it’s all going to be OK, I’ve got you, I’m here, OK, Frank’s here, you’re OK, everything’s going to be OK, you’re going to be OK…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> St Dominic’s Christian Brothers’ School is not in Derry, it's in West Belfast. Their uniforms are dark red. Something similar to Gerard's "egg incident" did actually happen there, but with potatoes. The soldier was cleared of any wrongdoing.
> 
> Our Lady of the Angels was a real fire in a Catholic school, just in Chicago IL, in 1958. 95 children and teachers died. It was officially ruled undetermined but an unnamed boy pupil who was skipping his concurrent class and with a history of, and later extensive record for, arson fires later repeatedly confessed in the years afterwards. No Loyalist groups were involved in Our Lady of the Angels, but they burned entire Catholic neighbourhoods in the 1960s and 1970s, have attacked groups of Catholic elementary schoolchildren before in North Belfast, and some schools on the Catholics Falls Road in Belfast have had to close permanently because they were in a direct firing line from the Protestant Shankill Road.
> 
> The Creggan actually was built on the bog for that exact reason, as part of the constant electoral-line elbowing ('gerrymandering') required to preserve a Protestant majority in an otherwise overwhelmingly Catholic city. And yes - it really is THAT awful up there, even now. I've been to the Gaza Strip and shadowed the Kurdish army in Iraq, and no way in hell would you catch me near the Creggan.
> 
> The nature of the civil war in Ireland was notorious for 'breaking' soldiers. They'd been trained for battlefields and clear enemies... not everyday neighbourhoods where the enemy soldiers were identical to the innocent locals.
> 
> The little old ladies really did used to bring tea and biscuits out for soldiers, occasionally during firefights by mistake. The soldiers, for the most part, dropped cups and plates back outside their doors afterwards. The old lady mentioned in the story actually exists. Her name is Margaret and she used to be my neighbour. She always took them out her very best tea china too, because she considered them her 'guests'.


	4. Chapter 4

“Dear Mikey,

Not much happening here. I wish I had more news, but it’s mostly [censored] stuff I can’t talk about. Even if I could… I wouldn’t. I’ve seen things, and they burn into your brain. Don’t watch the news, Mikey, please, it’ll just scare you. Any reports of [censored] - it’s not me. [censored] has your number. He’d call you immediately. I promise.

I wish you could see [censored]. It’s beautiful, especially the walls and the [censored], with [censored] so close by. You’d love it. Maybe one day.

I miss you so much, Mikey. Shit is weird here. So, so fucking weird. I really need you sometimes. Maybe while I’m here you could set up in Letterkenny - there’s a bus there and everything for days I’m on leave, and it’s a beautiful town, gorgeous. I’ve been there myself a few times, pubs everywhere, and a sort of ‘general store’ on the main street called Speer’s where you can buy proper Mr Whippy cones.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

September 7, 1971

”OK, Gerard. Enough of this 007 James Bond shit. What the fuck is going on? Is this a new one of your sex games?” Frank was sore-tempered and uncomfortable after sitting on a tree root for an hour waiting for Gerard to be be able to sneak away. “Because if you made me wait a whole hour out here just so you could get your rocks off-“  
“Shut up, Frank. This isn’t nearly far enough, and it’s not some fucking game. Keep your voice down and follow me.” Gerard grabbed Frank’s arm and pulled him along the walls, keeping to the shadows.  
“Jesus Christ…” Frank rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Gerard, come on, NO ONE IS LISTENING-“  
“No. They’re always listening.” Gerard shook his head. “Everyone is listening, Frank. Always.”  
He can’t have gone crazy already, right? Right? Frank hesitated. No. No way he’s gone crazy already. It’s Gerard. It’s a sex game. It’s almost definitely a sex game. “Gerard-“  
“I’m out of this place tomorrow at 0600, Frank,” whispered Gerard abruptly, still pulling Frank along behind him. “They’re moving me into a terraced house on Balkan Street, in the Bogside. It’s near what the locals call Free Derry Corner. Story the Army is selling there is, I’m joining Upper Sixth at St Dominic’s Christian Brothers school in the middle of Leaving Cert. after my school, Our Lady of the Angels, burned down in Belfast. An older officer usually stationed in Belfast will play the role of my father when it’s necessary.” He bit his lip. “Story the Army is selling here is… I’ve turned.” Frank was staring at him blankly, and Gerard sighed patiently. “Leaving Cert. is like A-Levels in Ireland, Frank.”  
“That’s… not the confusing part. Not even close.” Frank followed Gerard into the secluded churchyard near the barracks, “Start at the beginning. Explain.”  
“Frank, I didn’t flunk Deepcut. You know there’s no way I flunked Deepcut. I was at the top of our class.” Gerard was keeping his voice low. “It was extra training, not repeat training. I’m SAS, Frank.”  
Frank’s eyebrows shot up. “Whoa.” He shook his head. “I mean, Gerard, I know I always said you were too smart for this shit, but this is just too-“  
Gerard ignored him. “Frank, I have a strong Irish accent and I speak seven languages fluently. I was always a shoo-in for military intelligence and special forces. You know that.” He looked away, unable to look Frank in the eye. “I… I’m here to be planted in the local population and inform on them. It’s why they’ve let me grow my hair so long. I…” He swallowed and started to fidget nervously. “Frank, I might have to join the IRA myself, and even if I don’t, Leadership will spread my name around in here for every attack on barracks and patrols, saying I gave the IRA inside information. I would never do that. You know that. Leadership will tell you all that I’m scum, that I deserted just to join the IRA, and that I’m out killing soldiers. That’s a lie. Someone I trusted had to know the truth, because the IRA WILL find out if someone tells, Frank, not that they won’t find out anyway, and when they find out, they WILL kill me. Frank, I’m going to die, and I know I’m going to die, but… but I don’t want to die knowing everyone I’ve ever loved or cared about thinks I’m a terrorist, so someone I trusted had to know the truth, someone who could tell them the truth after I died, but that I knew wouldn’t tell the IRA while I was still alive.”  
“Gerard, come on, you have to be kidding…” Frank gave him a pleading look. “Please, Gerard, please tell me you’re kidding, or tell me it’s a sex game and I’ll play along, no hard limits or anything, I swear…”  
“No. I wish. Believe me, I wish.” Gerard wiped his eyes. “I’m meant to get close to the IRA leaders’ kids and use them to get a look around their houses. That’s why I’m in the school. The Army have made it clear they will not extract me. The Army are using me and then when they’re done with me they’re just leaving me here to die, Frank. There’s no way I can come out of this alive. There’s just no way. I’m fucked, Frank, I’m really fucked, I’m just… just…” Gerard started to cry quietly. “I’m so fucked, Frank. You have no idea. When the IRA find out, Frank, and they WILL find out, they will kill me, and it will be awful, horrible, worse than you could ever imagine. Don’t make it worse by letting everyone believe I turned. Please. Tell them the truth, especially Mikey and Shona. I… I know you hate Shona, Frank, but please tell her the truth and that I am so, so sorry, and that I love her. Please.”  
“Oh God. Oh God. You’re not kidding.” Frank stared at him. “Jesus Christ, Gerard…”  
“When my bed is empty at roll-call tomorrow, play along, act confused, maybe throw in that you knew I was disillusioned after today. Everyone knows we’re close. Sell it. Make anyone who might really be an IRA man in that barracks believe that I’ve truly gone rogue. You have to, and I don’t care how hard it is for you to keep to yourself, or about who you think will understand, not a WORD of the truth to ANYONE, Not ONE WORD, Frank, not until they’ve already killed me, not until I’m already dead, please, PLEASE. Otherwise, one slipped word to the wrong person and I have a ruined skull and no eyes. This way, I might be lucky enough to just catch a stray bullet in the head or heart during a riot, or accidentally blow myself up… or get blown up by someone else, or shot by the Army, or shot by angry loyalists, or… yeah. Yeah, those are about my only options here.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes. “Like I said, fucked. SO fucked.”  
“Oh God. You’re right, you are. You ARE fucked.” Frank stared at him. “Tell me how to fix it. Please, Gerard, please tell me how I can fix it…”  
“And I’m a Devlin now. Remember that. Devlin. They chose it because it’s such a common name in the northwest. When I answer the door, hit me around a bit.” Gerard grinned. “Lord knows I’d get off on it.”  
“Yeah.” Frank laughed. “You would.”  
“Come to my house, Frank. 13 Balkan Street in the Bogside. It’s pale purple, with darker purple blocks and lintels around the windows and door, and it has sunflowers and trailing ivy growing up the front wall. It’s the Devlins you’re looking for, although I’m still Gerard. It’s bugged. Raid it, and beat the shit of me in the street with your rifle butt, even when I start screaming. I’m not really screaming at you to stop, it’s just to attract the neighbours so they all come out and see. And hit me like you want to kill me, properly, not safe word style beatings, proper maiming. Got it?”  
“OK…” Frank nodded reluctantly. “Got it.”  
Gerard glanced around, lowering his voice and talking rapidly and urgently. “And I mean really beat the shit out of me. It’ll help sell it and give me huge points with the local population. None of that ‘where no one will see’. I want black eyes and blood. OK?”  
Frank looked down at his feet, unable to bring himself to look at the beautiful face he was about to ruin. “OK.”  
“And… and bring the black lace bra and thong and garter set…” Gerard grinned. “I mean, it’s not like I REALLY live with my parents…”  
Frank laughed. “Not the black negligee or red underwear?”  
“The black negligee and red underwear?” Gerard winked. “I’m wearing it right now, Frank, right under my uniform, I’ll be wearing it for you tomorrow too when you come ‘visit’, and it’s making me feel so DAMN hot…”  
“Gerard, sweet Christ, oh, CHRIST, that’s sexy…” Frank pulled him close and started to kiss him frantically, and then abruptly stopped himself as he realised he was actually bracing Gerard over a gravestone. “Wait. HERE? Seriously? We’re really going to fuck HERE, Gerard? While you’re dressed like a girl?” Frank glanced around. “I mean, it’s a fucking churchyard, there are tombstones everywhere…”  
“Yup.” Gerard grinned. “Look, Frank.” He undid his pants and shirt, revealing the delicate, excruciatingly expensive black silk and lace negligee he had on underneath, and the black lace stockings he had hooked to it with red garters. “I’ve been wearing it all afternoon… because I’m just SO damn pretty, and you know how much I love to FEEL pretty…” Gerard gave Frank a sultry look and Frank’s knees almost gave way, realising he was wearing heavy black eyeliner and long, long false eyelashes too. “Who cares if it’s a churchyard? What, you want to say a nice little prayer or something?” Gerard raised an eyebrow and tore open Frank’s uniform shirt. “Because that would be sexy as FUCK.”  
“What is it with you and priests?” Frank started to giggle. “Is it a Catholic thing? Because I’m Catholic too, but-“  
“Sorry. Not a Catholic church.” Gerard grinned. “Maybe priests next time, though…”  
Is there no kink this man has not tried? Frank rolled his eyes. “Well, what is it you want me to say then? Like ‘forgive me, dead people and church guys, for I am about to sin on your property, and probably about to sin directly on top of several of your graves’?”  
“I… I…” Gerard promptly broke down. “I have sinned, though, I have sinned, I’ve sinned so fucking much, and not in the sexy way…” He started to cry. “I’m so sorry, Frank, I’m so sorry, you don’t have to be here, you can leave if you want, I understand if you can’t bear the sight of me, let alone WANT me right now-“  
“You told me the truth, didn’t you, Gerard, and I’m still here.” Frank kissed him and pulled him close. ““I’m here because I want to be, Gerard. Now, why don’t you tell me what terrible thing it is that you’ve done, and maybe we can make it better.” He mentally shook his head. Christ. Talk about mood swings.  
Gerard shook his head, tears running down his face. “Frank, no, no, we can’t, I mean, it’s nothing you don’t already know about… it’s the lies, I’ve told so many lies, I even lied to you until I told you everything right now, and I’m planted tomorrow and I’m going to have to… have to keep lying to these men who consider me a FRIEND, and now I’ve drawn you into all my lies, Frank, I’m sorry, because I don’t know who I can trust, you’re the only one I know for sure I can trust, and you can’t tell any of them either, so you’re just going to have to lie there in barracks and listen to them insulting me and calling me names and saying what they wish they could do to me, and just take it in silence…” He looked at Frank tearfully. “Please tell me I can trust you, Frank, please, promise me you won’t tell, I’m begging you…”  
“I’m not going to rat on you. You KNOW you can trust me.” Frank smiled at him and stroked his hair reassuringly, silently impressed by how well the eyeliner and eyelashes were hanging on. “It’s going to be OK, Gerard-“  
Gerard’s eyes narrowed. “It’s SIR to you, soldier.”  
Thank God. Frank smiled to himself. Thank God. He’s back. “Sir, yes, Sir, of course… but…” Frank took a deep breath. “Sir, I would… I would never offer this to anyone else. You know that. I’m a true British patriot. But… run. Please, Sir, run. If you run, I can help you. I know people. You can be living in Boston with a new name and new papers in 72 hours, with matching sets for Mikes and-“ he barely hid a grimace “-Shona. New names, SSNs, everything. The Army will never find you. You don’t have to go through with this.” He looked into his eyes. “Please, Sir. Don’t go through with this, I’m begging you, because you’re right. There is no way you will come out of this alive, and… and…” Frank cleared his throat and clutched at him tightly, holding on as hard as he could. “And I couldn’t live with that, Sir. I’d die without you.”  
“You’d lose me either way.” Gerard looked at him sadly. “You know that, right?”  
“Yes, Sir, but if you lived, I could find a way to cope, because I’d know you were alive somewhere and happy, but if you died… if you died, I don’t know what I’d do.” Frank stared at him, tears in his eyes. “This could be your last chance, Sir. Run. Just… run.” He forced a smile. “I’m sure they’d let you keep your lingerie and everything…”  
“No.” Gerard shook his head. “No, Frank, no, I have to do it, it’s my duty to do it, and I know that, and I also know that if I don’t, I’ll just be condemning some innocent to die in my place. I’m… I’m not that person.” He stared the floor. “I don’t deserve to live. My whoIe life has just been screwup after screwup after screwup. I’m just a waste, really, I am. It’s just…” He looked at Frank, terror in his eyes. “I’m scared, Frank, I’m so scared, I’ve never been so scared in my life…” He hid his face in Frank’s shoulder. “Frank, I’m scared, I don’t want to die but I know I don’t deserve to live…”  
“I think you deserve to live, Gerard, and I don’t think you’re a waste,” whispered Frank softly. “Save yourself, Sir, please. For me. Now. I’m begging you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There actually is a Protestant churchyard near the barracks. I can't see Gerard having any problems with getting his rocks off there.
> 
> My family own Speer's in Letterkenny. It is on the main street, and it does sell ice cream. We're originally from Rathmullan, about 10 miles away. Rathmullan will be mentioned later in the story.
> 
> They've razed a lot of the Bogside to make it easier for the Army to have a clear shot. 13 Balkan Street does exist, but it's in West Belfast and I lived there until 2014. It was never purple (although it would have been if I'd had my way) but it did have the requisite rowan tree growing outside in the front yard.


	5. 5

“Dear Mikey,

You might not hear from me for a while, but I’m OK, just [censored]. I have to [censored] my [censored] along with my weekly [censored]. Trust no one, indeed.

I love you so much, Mikes. Tell Shona I love her too.

PS: If I do get killed, destroy my porn. It’s hidden under the loose floorboard by the window. Don’t look at it otherwise though. Actually, don’t look at it at all. Find it and burn it with your eyes closed. Pervert.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

September 7, 1971

“I appreciate the offer to hide me, soldier,” hissed Gerard, “but instead I want you on the floor right now with your pants down, like the dirty, filthy little bitch you are.”  
Frank blinked in surprise. That was the last thing he’d expected. “I… OK…” Frank pulled his uniform pants to mid thigh and started to stretch out, and then suddenly Gerard had pounced on top of him and pinned his hands above his head, holding his wrists and body to the ground.  
“What was that, soldier?” Gerard leaned in and kissed him roughly. “Did you just respond to a commanding officer’s direct order with ‘OK’?”  
“I meant SIR, YES, SIR!” Frank looked amazed. “Jesus, Sir, you move like a goddamn big cat or predator or something, it’s fucking incredible-“  
“That’s damn more like it, soldier.” He looked Frank up and down. “Because you’re filthy, just FILTHY, and you know exactly what you want me to do to you, you filthy bastard, and I’m going to FUCKING do it, right, right now, right here, and you’re going to fucking love every second, you dirty, dirty whore…” Gerard held his mouth open and slowly swirled his tongue around his lips again, licking his hand slowly without breaking eye contact, and Frank felt a tingle of anticipation. Jesus. That man’s tongue was just SINFUL. Gerard yanked down his pants, pinning Frank’s hands roughly above his head as he slowly forced his way inside him. Frank let out a long moan that turned into a whimper of pleasure, and Gerard leaned down and bit his ear hard enough to draw blood. “I trust you’re enjoying that, soldier?”  
“Sir, yes, Sir, oh God, yes…” Frank tentatively entwined his fingers with Gerard’s, and for once Gerard actually let him, squeezing them tight. “Would I be permitted to ask if you might go deeper, Sir?”  
Gerard’s face was still against the side of his neck. “Are you asking me if I might go deeper, soldier?”  
Frank grinned. “Sir, yes, Sir!”  
“Now THAT, soldier, is the kind of question I like…” Gerard licked the side of his neck and started to push deeper and faster. “Any more QUESTIONS for me?”  
Frank laughed. “No, Sir, that is outstanding, Sir!”  
“Oh Frank… oh Frank… oh, tell me it’s going to be OK, Frank…” Gerard burst into tears again and buried his face in a very baffled Frank’s chest, releasing his hands and clinging to him desperately. Frank had never seen anyone veer back and forth between total dominance and hysterical sobbing so fast. Or ever.  
Frank bit his lip and hugged him. “Of course it is, sweethear-“  
“SIR.” Gerard’s head snapped up and he spoke in a low growl. “You will refer to me as SIR, soldier.”  
Christ. Frank wasn’t sure if he was aroused or afraid. “Of course it is… uh… Sir.” He hugged Gerard tighter and stroked his hair soothingly.  
“Jesus, Frank, that’s so good, that feels so good, you have no idea…” Gerard grabbed Frank’s legs and yanked them upwards painfully to wrap around his back, pulling himself in as close as possible as he moved faster and faster. “I just… when I saw you today, the proper you, I knew I couldn’t go without telling you first, I couldn’t bear it if you thought I was a… a… a deserter, a turncoat, because I’m not, I’m going on this fucking mission I never wanted and now I’m definitely going to die in a really, truly awful way, and the whole army and my family are going to think I was a fucking terrorist!” Gerard laid his head back on Frank’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around him. “Just don’t tell anyone, Frank, please, they’ll find out and then they’ll kill me, you know they’ll kill me, and it’ll be horrible, oh God, it’s going to be horrible anyway, and I can’t stop it, and… and…” A look of horror crossed Gerard’s face. “Oh God, and hide my lingerie and my porn, Frank, PLEASE-”  
“Come on, Ger- Sir, it’ll all be fine, it’ll be OK, really…” The truth was, Frank really didn’t know if it would be OK, and that really wasn’t something he wanted to think about, not for Gerard. He didn’t deserve that, he was brave, kind, funny, a good person, and even though he’d never admit it to anyone except Gerard himself, Frank loved him. “Sir, I know you said no before, but please, PLEASE, let me help you get out before it’s too late-“  
“No, Frank.” Gerard was kissing him frantically, clinging to his back. “I can’t. You know I can’t, and I’ve told you why. Now fucking kiss me.”  
Frank grinned, grabbed Gerard by the lapels of his uniform and kissed him passionately, his tongue deep in his mouth and his hands tangling in his hair, starting to kiss the side of his neck. “How’s that? Does that feel good, Sir?”  
“Oh God…” Gerard let out a quiet moan. “Oh God, that feels good, harder, Frank, harder…”  
“Um…” Frank wasn’t sure where to go with this. “Sir, you’re the one on top-“  
“I am your commanding officer, soldier!” Gerard looked at him, that fire in his eyes. “If I’m going to die, I demand at least one decent fuck first, and I said HARDER!”  
Jesus. “Sir, yes, Sir!” Frank swallowed nervously and somehow angled his hips to pull himself deeper and harder around Gerard by wrapping his legs further around his back, and he was gratified to hear Gerard let out a choked gasp of pleasure, his arms tight around Frank’s back. “Oh, Oh God, Frank, this is so good, oh Christ…” He pulled him closer and kissed his ear, his teeth snagging Frank’s earlobe. “Tell no one, Frank, no one, not until afterwards, not until they’ve already found out and killed me, please, don’t let my friends all think I turned on them, because the IRA WILL find me, Frank, and they’ll… they’ll kill me, and it will be horrible, don’t let Mikey see what they’ve done to me, please…”  
“I won’t, I won’t, I won’t…” Frank grabbed Gerard’s hair and kissed him hard, pulling himself deeper and deeper with his already aching thighs. “And I’ll come visit, I’ll, you know, ‘raid’ your house, break shit, and we can fuck on the table and break every fucking leg off of it while every member of military intelligence is listening in and trying to figure out what’s going on…”  
Gerard’s eyes widened with excitement and a huge grin spread across his face. “Oh YES, let’s DO that, let’s do that SO FUCKING MUCH!” He threw his khaki shirt it over the nearest gravestone and shoved his pants down to his knees, and suddenly his mouth was back on Frank’s and he was kissing him frantically, the black lace negligee with the red bra underneath and its red garters and black lace stockings on full show.  
Frank shook his head. “Oh, Sir, you look so pretty, you look so goddamn pretty-“  
“Damn it, I FEEL so fucking goddamn pretty!” Gerard ran his hands through Frank’s hair, grabbing at his face as he thrust faster and so much harder that Frank’s whole body began to jolt. “13 Balkan Street, Frank, remember that address, 13 Balkan Street, it has sunflowers growing outside and it’s painted purple, and you’re looking for my dad, Mr Devlin, be there anytime, you know, of course, as long as it’s outside of school hours, obviously, just… come alone. Always, always come alone.” He paused. “And as well as the black lace set, bring that red silk negligee with the lace cutouts I bought in Thailand. “You know which one, and you know DAMN well how sexy I look in that thing. And the heels, the red platform heels… I’ll wear them for you right there, I’ll fuck you and I’ll bite you and I’ll scratch you and I’ll fucking destroy you inside and out…”  
“Jesus, Sir, you are one kinky son of a bitch…” Frank started to laugh, the back of his white vest starting to ride up as Gerard licked a long, slow stripe up his exposed upper chest and onto his neck and chin, a low growl in his throat as he smacked his lips. “Oh God, Sir…”  
“I love to fuck in uniform. I love to fuck in uniform when I’m wearing women’s lingerie under it. I love to fuck where we might get caught. I’ve worn makeup to fuck dozens of times. I once made you bury me six feet deep with an air tube while I was made up to look like I was dead, and then dig me back up again two hours later and fuck me, and then I did the same to you. I made you dress as a priest and then I fucked you in a confessional after I locked the real priest in the toilet. I had you suck me off while I was on the phone to my fiancee. I’ve had you pick me up in a bar and then fuck me in the toilets while I was dressed as a woman, and then again in the taxicab on the way home, and then again on my living room floor - hell, I’d even shaved my damn legs and arms and chest, put in giant falsies to give myself HUGE tits, and wore a bra with a matching lace thong and garter belt hooked to black lace stockings, and three men tried to hit on me before you even got there because I’m just SO damn pretty, especially in my red lipstick, smoky eyeshadow, and black mascara… and, if you hadn’t noticed, right now we’re fucking in a goddamn churchyard surrounded by graves. Come on, Frank, you hadn’t figured I like kinky shit out already?” Gerard was gasping for breath as he laughed, and then he abruptly yanked the lower hem of Frank’s vest down. “You know the one and ONLY rule, soldier - YOU DO NOT COME ON ME. IF YOU EVER, EVER COME ON ME, WE ARE DONE. ARE WE CLEAR?”  
“SIR, YES, SIR!” Frank was just glad they were back to dominance. He could deal with dominant Gerard. He could deal with submissive Gerard. What he could NOT deal with was soul-baring Gerard crying in the middle of sex.  
“NOW TUCK THAT SHIT AWAY BEFORE I TAPE IT DOWN, ARE WE CLEAR?” Gerard’s eyes were narrowed, but there was a definite smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “Bring the duct tape too, soldier. I want that under control in future. I DEMAND it.”  
“SIR, YES, SIR!” Frank yanked the lower hem of his white vest even further. Gerard had always had a strange issue about his boyfriends coming on him, but he’d never really felt it was his place to ask. He figured Gerard would tell him when he was ready. He had a nasty feeling that it was for the same reason that Gerard often cried in his sleep.  
Gerard’s fingers were tangled hard in Frank’s hair. “Oh, this feels so good, SO good, oh Jesus…”  
Frank nodded frantically. “It does, Jesus, Sir, harder, please…”  
“ARE YOU TELLING ME TO GO HARDER, SOLDIER?”  
Frank grinned. “SIR, YES, SIR!”  
“Well then.” Gerard dug his fingers into Frank’s shoulders and started to push even harder and deeper, a moan catching deep in his throat with the effort, and Frank finally allowed himself to let out quiet moans himself, still terrified they’d be heard by the barracks guards or a patrol, remembering what had happened to men like them back at Deepcut but unable to hold it back any more. He leaned forward and started to kiss Gerard’s neck and chest and Gerard let his head fall back, his eyes closed and his mouth open as he breathed more and more heavily. “Oh yes… oh yes… oh yes…” A slow smile was beginning to spread across Gerard’s face. “Oh yes… oh… oh… oh yes…” He could feel himself about to come and gritted his teeth and held back as much as he could until he heard and felt Frank come beneath him, muffling the sound of his scream with both hands, and was about to choke back a cry himself when suddenly Erin’s face and copper red hair appeared in his mind and he immediately came harder than he ever had in his entire life, screaming so loud the barracks guards yelled “Who’s there?” as he fell forward across Frank’s body, drenched in sweat and gasping for breath.  
Shit. Oh shit. Gerard took a deep breath and somehow managed to sound normal. “My apologies, it’s Captain Way. I was having a cigarette and tripped over a grave. False alarm.”  
“Ah.” He heard the barracks guards laughing. “Next time be more careful, Sir.”  
Gerard grinned and winked at Frank. “Will do, soldier.”  
Gerard could hear the guards muttering as he curled up contentedly on Frank’s chest, Frank stroking his hair affectionately, and they both burst into muffled giggles. “Oh God, soldier, that was so fucking funny…”  
“Why couldn’t you just keep the noise down like I did?” hissed Frank, rolling his eyes. “Trust you, Sir.”  
“I guess you’re just too damn sexy.” Or that Erin’s just too damn sexy. Gerard pushed thoughts of Erin away and kissed Frank’s chest. “Just like I’m so damn pretty…” He batted his eyelashes, and then stopped and looked at him seriously. “Frank… promise you’ll never turn against me, please…”  
“What?!” Frank was having trouble keeping up with Gerard’s mood swings. “Of course not, Sir, never!”  
“For this call me Gerard…” He looked into Frank’s face, tears in his eyes. “Promise me, Frank. Promise you’ll never turn on me. Whatever they tell you… promise you won’t turn against me. It’ll all be lies, I swear. They said they’re not bugging the bathroom, which means they definitely are, so I’ll leave you a note every visit with the truth on a piece of bog roll. Read it, then flush it. Please, Frank. Promise you’ll trust me, and when… when IT happens… tell the others the truth. Tell my baby brother the truth. Tell Shona the truth. Don’t let them cover it up. Please, Frank. Promise me.” Gerard looked pleadingly at him.  
“Of course, Gerard.” Frank smiled reassuringly at him and started to stroke his hair again. “Of course I promise.”  
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you…” Gerard buried his face in Frank’s chest. “Oh God, I love you so much, don’t ever leave me…”  
“I won’t.” Frank smiled and hugged him close, kissing his hair. “And I love you too. More than anything.” He felt a twinge of jealousy. Even if I know you’re leaving soon to marry some blonde pharmacist called Shona and use your dual citizenship to move back to Monaghan and away from me forever. 

September 8, 1971

The next morning, Frank woke for 7am roll call and saw that Gerard’s bed beside him was empty, except for an envelope containing his lucky silver shilling and a note that said: 

“Hold onto this. Let it remind you to hold onto yourself. You’re funny, and you’re brave, and you’re kind. Remember that. Don’t let this place break you. Please. For me.

\- G 

XOXO”


	6. 6

“Dear Mikey,

I miss you. I miss Shona. I love both of you. Tell her so. Please.

Things are… fucked.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

September 12, 1971

Gerard was a little depressed they’d picked such a dour little man to be his father, but ecstatic that the Army had actually agreed to his request and bought him a piano so he could play. He’d missed playing his music so much, so he spent a lot of his spare time cheerfully singing and playing the piano. He even wrote a few truly filthy songs for the benefit of military intelligence, imagining the few men there with a sense of humour having a good laugh as he howled “tell me I’m a bad man, kick me like a stray…” at the top of his voice. He doubted that the grim man who had accompanied him to the school uniform shop and said in a depressing monotone “Hello, I am Mr Devlin. This is my son Gerard. He requires a full uniform, perhaps two sets in fact” would find it very entertaining. Wasn’t having to actually BUY the damn uniform depressing enough? He was definitely not looking forward to doing high school again. It was enough of a nightmare the first time. Buying the uniform was just the first hideous reminder of it.  
He generally ignored the television, although sometimes he turned it up deafeningly loud to cover the sound of him fucking Frank into the couch, complete with lingerie, heels, and demands to be referred to as a ‘dirty whore’ mixed in with yelled instructions to Frank to beg him for it. Somewhere, there was probably a very confused MI5 analyst trying to figure out what the hell was going on in there, and wondering if they’d accidentally bugged a brothel.  
He did enjoy that he had full use of an entire double bed in the master bedroom after years of being cramped into an army-issue bed, not that he’d got anything other than solo use out of it yet. He imagined he’d enjoy it far more if he ever coaxed Erin into it… that was, assuming he saw her at the school. He had to see her at the school. The schools were right next door. The two must mix… or, at least, the bad kids must. God, he hoped Erin was one of the bad kids… for more reasons than one. For one thing, everyone knew the bad girls loved a musician… He grinned to himself and kept playing the piano, making a mental note to buy a guitar. The piano was not sexy. The bad girls would definitely not be into the piano. “I bought my enemies the rope to hang me, and the knives to gag me, you can watch 'em stab me on your television…”

September 13, 1971

“OK, everyone, we have a new student joining us from West Belfast today to complete his Leaving Cert. so let’s everyone make him feel welcome. What’s your name, son?” His teacher looked kindly at him.  
“Uh, Gerard. Gerard Devlin.” Gerard shifted uncomfortably on the spot. It turned out the uniform was exactly the same as it was at the convent school, just with grey polyester trousers instead of a kilt and a white shirt with a blue and white tie instead of the blouse, and it itched. The black lace thong underwear he was wearing underneath wasn’t helping either. He desperately wanted to scratch, but also really didn’t want his first impression on his classmates to be ‘that guy from Belfast who scratches himself in public’. Plus, he was fairly sure enough of the low chatter was about him already, without adding ‘why the fuck is he touching himself’ to the mix.  
“How nice.” The teacher smiled encouragingly. “And what school did you come from, Gerard?”  
“It was…” Gerard swallowed. “I’m… uh… I’m from Our Lady of the Angels.”  
The chatter immediately stopped and Gerard winced as the previously chatty teacher silently directed him to a desk. He’d researched the Our Lady of the Angels school fire and it wasn’t just a plain old fire with an organised evacuation, students and their teachers had actually DIED, jumping from high windows to escape the fire or fainting from the heat and smoke and collapsing almost instantly where they sat at their desks. There were suspicions a Loyalist group had set the fire deliberately in multiple areas to prevent students from being able to escape, but that didn’t make Gerard feel any better. He didn’t like it being used as a method to ‘get him in’, however much his commander prattled on about the ‘sympathy vote’. Plus, every time a class teacher introduced him as the new boy from West Belfast and asked what school he’d transferred from, the second he said “Our Lady of the Angels” a deathly silence descended over the room. Bravo, Gerard. He silently rolled his eyes, sketching drawings of Erin on his notepaper. You’re already a walking bummer.  
“Hey. HEY. Gerard.” Gerard looked up at the boy at the next desk and tilted his head questioningly. “You said you came from Our Lady of the Angels. Is that true?”  
No. “Yeah.” Gerard forced himself to nod. “Why?”  
“What was it like?” All the boys around him were leaning in now. “The fire, I mean. How’d you even get out? Did you see shit? Bad shit?”  
Gerard was suddenly hit by a repressed memory of a fire he’d been caught in back in Belfast, and immediately felt like he wanted to throw up. “Yeah.” He may not have been at the school, but he remembered the other fire as if it was yesterday, and it had left deep mental scars. He looked down at the table. “Yeah, it was… I… I just can’t begin to describe it. The fire was everywhere. I jumped from the second floor, I dropped and rolled, and then I had a kid - I mean, my baby brother jump into my arms, he was only eight, and once he was safe I went back in the main ground floor doors and tried to pull people out from where they were jammed in doorways, and I saved a few from where they were protected by the pile of people above them, but… but some of them just came apart in my hands, there was nothing left of them but greasy charred bodies…” Gerard suddenly realised he had tears in his eyes and wiped them away furiously. “Smoke hung over the city for days and days, it was like a constant reminder, and it wasn't just once, it was over and over and over and over…”  
“Hey, sorry, man, that’s awful.” A boy sitting in front of Ciaran shook his head. “I'm Johnny Y, by the way. It's Johnny Y because Johnny D is right here." He pointed across the room. "You actually went back in, though? Wow. Dude, you’re, like, a hero.”  
“No.” Gerard shook his head. “A proper hero would have saved everyone.”  
“Gerard, dude. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” The boy held out his hand and Gerard shook it. “I’m Seanna. Seanna Caraher. A bunch of us go out to smoke and chat up the girls from Lady of Sorrows behind the gym most breaks. You smoke?”  
No. “Yeah.” Gerard managed to grin, hoping desperately that Erin would be there.  
“Cool.” The kid nodded. “Follow me after Bio class. I’ll show you.” He smiled and held out his his hand. “Ciaran O’Connell. This is Kevin." He punched the guy next to him in the arm. "He's a dick."  
"Screw you, Ciaran." Kevin crossed his arms and gave him a dirty look.  
Ah, so you would be Daithi O’Connell’s nephew, Ciaran, just like Seanna is Micheal Caraher’s cousin. Score. Gerard mentally checked two names off the list as he shook Seanna’s hand. “Gerard Devlin.”  
“Devlin?” Ciaran raised his eyebrows. “Any relation to our Bernadette?”  
“Who knows?” Gerard shrugged. “My ma died of cancer when I was ten and my dad doesn’t know shit about family history, so I might be.”  
“Cool. Tough break on your ma, though.” Ciaran patted his shoulder. “Well, like I said, follow me after class. I’ll introduce you to the other guys.” He looked Gerard up and down appraisingly. “Nice hair. I wish mine would grow that long. It just splits at the ends.” He rolled his eyes. “Looks damned cool.”  
Cool. DAMNED cool. Gerard had to fight the urge to actually preen. At his school he was always the freak. Turns out, he LIKED not being the freak. He grinned. “Thanks.”

“Seen the new boy?” Caitlin eyed Gerard. “I mean, those are some BAD pants he has to wear, but his ass is INCREDIBLE.”  
“ERIN has,” sniggered Aoife. “She hasn’t taken her eyes off him since we got out here.”  
“I wasn’t looking at HIM, Aoife, I was looking at, you know… that new graffiti on the wall.” Erin fidgeted with one of the grips holding her long hair up on top of her head and stared at her feet awkwardly. “But he is good looking, right? It’s not just me? All that thick black shoulder-length hair… and are his eyes brown or green? I can’t tell!”  
“You’re right, Aoife. She IS into him.” Orla laughed.  
Erin muttered curses under her breath and started to fidget with her kilt pin.  
“Well, if you think he’s cute, go over there.” Caitlin grinned. “If you don’t, someone else might get in there first…”  
“Shut UP, Caitlin,” hissed Erin, turning bright red. “I am NOT going over there!”  
“Why not?” Caitlin raised her eyebrows. “Scared?”  
“So what, I’m meant to just go over there? Just like that? And stand in awkward silence?” Erin rolled her eyes and took a drag on her cigarette. “GREAT plan.”  
“Just tell him you like his hair, or those big beautiful hazel eyes he has, or that wonderful ass- OW!” Erin elbowed Caitlin in the ribs. “What? They’re all true!”  
“I never once mentioned his ass.” Erin’s eyes narrowed. “That was all YOU, Caitlin.”  
“But you were thinking about it,” said Caitlin smugly. “You haven’t stopped looking at it since I first brought it up.”  
“No. I was… I was… I was wondering if they cut the blazers different for the boys and the girls, even though they’re the same.” Erin crossed her arms. “Because, you know, they might.”  
Aoife laughed. “Since WHEN do you care about the blazers? I’ve seen you wear it maybe three times except during assembly, and you only wear it then so you don’t get stuck in detention!”  
“Well, maybe I’m THINKING about wearing it more!” snapped Erin defensively. “You don’t know!”  
“Why?” Orla wrinkled her nose. “They’re less stylish than wearing a traffic cone as a hat. You should see the size of the shoulder pads my ma took out of mine.”  
“Oh, for Christ…” Caitlin rolled her eyes. “She’s lying, Orla. She’s trying to cover up the fact that she WAS staring at his ass.”  
“Well, who wouldn’t?” Orla shrugged. “It’s perfection packaged in grey polyester pants.”  
Gerard had been trying to block out the other boys’ laughter to listen in on what the girls were saying. OK. This sounds promising. She likes you. She likes you. Well, she almost definitely likes you. Just grow up and fucking go for it, Gerard. He took a deep breath, dropped his only-half-smoked cigarette on the ground, and walked over awkwardly. “Uh, hi.” Gerard took a deep breath. “I’m…” What’s my name? What’s my name? OH GOD, WHAT’S MY NAME? “I’m… Gerard. I’m new. From Belfast.” He offered what he hoped was a winning smile.  
Erin looked him up and down, a smile playing on her face. “Erin. Derry girl born and bred.” She grinned. “Nice hair, Gerard. The nuns make me pin mine up.” She gestured at the messy bun.  
“Shame. I bet it’s beautiful loose. All those coppery highlights and all. I wish I could watch you undo it,” blurted Gerard, and then he felt himself blush furiously. Why the fuck did you just say that? Jesus, Gerard, get a hold of yourself. You’re 22 years old, not some horny schoolboy.  
“Thanks. It falls all the way to my waist.” There was a seductive purr to Erin’s voice. “So, Gerard. How can I help you? I bet you didn’t come all the way over here just to admire my hair.”  
“Um, yeah, well, uh, your eyes are, uh, pretty too?” Gerard hesitated. No, better. “No, not pretty.” Worse. SO much worse. Try again. “No, I mean, they are pretty, but they’re also… beautiful.” He tried another smile, hoping it didn’t look more like a leer. “Like, all green and stuff.” What in the actual fuck, Gerard? ‘Green and stuff’? You might as well have just compared her eyes to mucus. Quit trying to compliment her because you’re just making it worse every single fucking time you open your mouth. Just ask the girl for a cigarette and run. Fucking RUN! Gerard swallowed nervously. “I was… I was wondering if I could maybe, you know, bum a cigarette. I’m all out.” He shrugged apologetically.  
“Your friends all ran out too, huh?” Erin raised an eyebrow, a mild smirk on her face. “Sure.” She flipped open her cigarette case and, rather than offering him one, slid it directly between his lips, leaning over to light it with the burning end of hers and looking deeply into his eyes. “Good?”  
“Uh. Yes. Good. Yes. Great. Good. Very good. Very, very good.” Gerard was frantically trying to unscramble his brain. “Thank you. Lifesaver. Also, uh, you’re…” Beautiful. “Uh…” Perfect. “You’re…” Amazing. “Uh, well, yeah. He swallowed, and promptly blurted out “And I totally didn’t mean that your eyes looked like mucus, I SWEAR.” He scurried back to the boys to a chorus of giggles from behind him, the girls elbowing a blushing Erin.  
“How the fuck did you just do that?” All the boys were staring at him open-mouthed.  
Gerard played innocent, widening his already large hazel eyes. “Do what?”  
“Get ERIN KELLY to even LOOK at you. We’ve all been trying for MONTHS and NOTHING.” All the boys rolled their eyes. “Unless you count the time she tripped over her shoe and fell on Will, and we do NOT.” They all gave Will a look.  
Will snorted. “Agree to disagree.”  
“Oh GOD…” Gerard buried his face in his hands. “I can’t believe I just compared her eyes to mucus…”  
The other boys ignored him. “It’s got to be the hair.”  
“No, the music.”  
“No, the eyes. He looks, like, all deep and soulful.”  
“Nah, it’s got to be the sympathy factor.”  
“No. It’s the hero thing.”  
“Are you kidding? No way she knows yet.”  
“Yeah. The minute she knows he’s a hero we won’t be able to pry her off him with a crowbar.”  
“Lucky bastard.”  
“Yeah, I wish this place would burn down so I could save a bunch of dumb kids and be a hero.”  
They kept squabbling for the rest of the break, Gerard staring off into the distance with a stupid grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The apartment building fire is based on a personal experience in a burning building in the Gaza strip after the Israeli military bombed it.
> 
> Men, take note: it is indeed true that bad girls do not find the piano sexy.


	7. 7

“Dear Mikey,

I miss you. I miss you so much.

You have no idea, Mikes. NO idea.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

September 24, 1971

Gerard’s hands were shaking as he lit up his third cigarette of the morning at only 10.15am, sneaking glances at Erin across the field. It’s been three weeks, Gerard, and nothing. She’s never going to be interested in you. You’re acting like a lovelorn schoolkid. Oh yes, AND YOU’RE ENGAGED. He bit his lip and dragged harder on his cigarette, trying not to think about what he and Frank had done the night before on the couch. In his defence, though, he hadn’t planned the couch, but then… Frank had brought the red dress. He knew what the red dress would do to him. Which is exactly why he did it, Gerard. You have one ally in this and you might ditch him for a girl who doesn’t give a shit about you, and even if she did, it would still be wrong, because YOU’RE STILL ENGAGED. He swore to himself, fumbling with the lighter. God, this is such a fucking mess.  
“Whoa. Gerard, dude, it’s OK.” Kevin reached out and lit his cigarette. “What’s up? Is it some PTSD shit? My cousin had that one time. I mean, you don’t have to talk about it, but if you want to-“  
“I don’t.” Gerard took a deep drag on his cigarette. “I just want… I just want…” His eyes met Erin’s and he blushed bright red. Quick, Gerard, lie. You’re apparently great at that. “I just miss my younger brother.” He felt his eyes fill with tears and had to choke back a sob. “I really, really miss my baby brother…”  
Dean smiled sympathetically. “He stay in Belfast?”  
“No, um, we’re from, uh, Monaghan, you know, as kids, so he’s been there a long time, with our… uh… grandma.” Gerard forced a casual shrug. “Change of scene, you know.”  
“I get it.” Dylan held out another cigarette and Gerard suddenly realised he’d smoked his down to the filter already. “My dad died a couple of years ago. Army shot him when he was just walking to work. One millisecond and everything was upside down forever.”  
Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Oh… oh God. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dylan. That shouldn’t have happened, I… I don’t know what I can say to help-”  
“Nothing.” Dylan sighed. “Family’s a big thing. Without family, you’re just… alone.” He put his hand on Gerard’s shoulder. “I bet your dad is taking it just as hard. He probably travels a lot just to distract himself.”  
My dad? Gerard frowned. Oh wait, that horrible little man they sent from Belfast who kept pronouncing 'Encyclo-pee-dia' as 'Encyclo-pay-dia'. Urgh. “Yeah, I guess.”  
He glanced back over at Erin and immediately froze. Wait. She’s walking over. She’ve walking over. No, wait, she’s probably just here to talk to Anthony. Ever since he got picked for county GAA tryouts all the girls wanted him. He shot him a glare. Damn him and his sports skills. Gerard had always been terrible at sports. He could run, he could shoot, he could scale obstacle courses, but give him a ball and he’d probably hit himself in the face just trying to throw it.  
“Hey, Gerard.” Erin stopped in front of him and Gerard could barely bring himself to believe it.  
“Uh… hey, Erin.” Gerard managed a lopsided grin. Shit. Come on, Gerard. Pull your shit together. “What’s, uh… up?” Idiot.  
“So, I heard… is it true that…” Erin bit her lip awkwardly. “Were you really at Our Lady of the Angels?”  
Of course. Of course she just wants to know about the fire. Gerard could almost feel his face fall. “Yeah. Yeah, I was.” Liar.  
“I’m so sorry to have asked, I’m sorry that I brought it up, it must have been awful, but…” She gave him a small smile. “But I heard that even after you escaped, you still went back in to help younger kids out. Is that true?”  
No. Gerard nodded. “Yeah.”  
“Wow.” She reached out and put her hand on his arm, and Gerard felt a thrill run up to his shoulder and down to his wrist and immediately cursed himself. Grow up, Gerard, and you’re engaged. ENGAGED. “You’re a hero, you know.”  
“Not really.” Gerard looked down. “Any of these guys would have done it too.” The other boys suddenly all looked deeply proud of themselves, puffing out their chests and striking heroic poses.  
“I doubt it.” Erin smiled at him, and they visibly deflated. “So, my cousin’s getting married this weekend, and I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me. I’d have asked sooner, but this is kind of a rush deal.” Erin casually took a drag on her cigarette. “She’s pregnant, so, you know. You only have so long before you suddenly have to pass off a nine-pounder as a premature kid.” She shrugged. “That was one awkward-ass christening, I’ll tell you that.”  
“Uh… yeah.” Gerard broke into a wide smile as the other boys’ mouths fell open. “Yeah, I… I would. I really would.” Jesus. Way to play it cool, Gerard.  
“Cool.” Erin smiled a little and tossed her cigarette stub aside. “I’m a bridesmaid, so you’ll need a suit.”  
“Oh.” Gerard nodded. “OK.”  
“Cool. My house Saturday at 11? I live with my grandparents, so if there’s an old guy outside in his underwear sitting in a deckchair, you’re not at the wrong house, you just caught my grandpa on a rough day. 16 Marlborough Street.” Erin raised an eyebrow. “Know it?”  
“I, uh, I’m sure I can find it.” I know exactly where you live, and who you live with, and that you live there because your dad’s on the run. Gerard managed a casual grin. “I’m from Balkan Street.”  
“I know.” Erin glanced him up and down. “I’ll see you on Saturday, then.” She sashayed back to her friends, and Gerard was sure he saw her give them a discreet thumbs up amid a swarm of giggling.  
“Damn it.” Mike Maccy was shaking his head. “I wish my school would burn down so I could rescue a bunch of fucking kids.”

September 25, 1971

A man Gerard assumed was Erin’s grandfather was sitting outside her house in a deckchair when he arrived, whisky bottle in one hand and cane in the other. He was wearing a saggy and yellowing string vest with some equally ancient Y-fronts, and Gerard winced. Old man nipple was not exactly the kind of nipple he was hoping to get a look at, and the string vest hid nothing. He was merrily swinging his cane as if conducting some deranged invisible orchestra and humming “Ride of the Valkyries” loud enough that they could probably hear him in Belfast. Crap. What should he call him? He couldn’t admit he knew his first name. He couldn’t admit he’d pulled his file and call him by his old rank in the original IRA. He couldn’t call him “Mr Kelly” if he was on a first date with his granddaughter. But… he was sitting in the street in a string vest. Sir didn’t sound right with a string vest. Should he go with ‘Sir’? Yes, ‘sir’. “Uh… sir?”  
“Ah, you must be our Erin’s new young man!” He wobbled unsteadily out of the chair and leaned heavily on his cane. “Tell me, son, do you not think that long hair makes you look like a woman?”  
Gerard wasn’t really sure what to say. “Uhhh…”  
“DAITHI! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO OUT THERE?”  
“OUR ERIN’S NEW YOUNG MAN!” A dark look crossed Daithi’s face. “The wife is beating the rugs again.”  
“Oh.” Gerard shifted awkwardly on the spot. “Is that… good?”  
Daithi’s eyes narrowed. “No.”  
“Oh.” Gerard was trying to look anywhere but at the string vest. Or the Y-fronts. “OK then.”  
“You’d better knock on the door and say hello to the wife or herself will be all over me about it later.” Daithi scowled. “There’s no escaping her when it comes to entertaining.”  
“Ah, you must be our Erin’s new young man!” Daithi’s wife was covered in dust and dog hair. “Tell me, son, do you not think that long hair makes you look like a woman?”  
Gerard still wasn’t really sure what to say. “Uhhh…”  
“Ah, but don’t you look handsome in a suit? Come in, come in, come in, come in, our Erin is doing her hair but you can wait in the good front room until she’s done.” She steered him towards a doorway. “Will you be having one or two sugars in your tea?”  
“No tea for me, thank you.” Gerard was trying to dodge the swarm of small dogs that had appeared around his ankles. “Are ALL these dogs yours?”  
“Two sugars it is then.” Daithi’s wife nodded decisively.  
“Her tea is awful,” whispered Erin, appearing next to him in a hideous green puffy dress, her hair loose to her waist. “I used to tip it into the pot plant next to the couch to get rid of it, but then the plant just went and died on me…”  
Gerard hid a laugh just in time and followed her into the front room, then stopped abruptly. Jesus. This room was a migraine. The violently pink sofa seemed to swear at both the orange and brown swirled carpet and the acid green flowered wallpaper, and the three piece suite itself was covered entirely in plastic, which was so slippery that he was afraid one false move would leave him in a heap on the floor. The entire room was overlooked by a terrifying Sacred Heart painting, and every spare surface was occupied by some form of religious statuary. “I like your… um… taste.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “You know, I really don’t need any tea, Mrs Kelly-“  
“Ah, of course you do, it’s no trouble.” She stuck her head out of the front window. “DAITHI! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! WE’RE ENTERTAINING!”  
Daithi’s voice bellowed in from the street. “WILL YOU QUIET YOURSELF, WOMAN, I’M DRESSED ALREADY!”  
“THAT IS NOT DRESSED AND DO NOT MAKE ME COME OUT THERE, I’VE TO BEAT THE RUGS BEFORE THE GUESTS GET HERE!”  
“We have a bunch of family from Louth staying here tonight. They’re sneaking in through Donegal this morning. I swear, if the cops show up, about two dozen guests are going to ditch the wedding and haul ass for the border.” Erin rolled her eyes. “Jesus, but I hope they do. I really fucking hate the Louth cousins and my grandma says I have to let them sleep in my bed.”  
For a second Gerard thought of making an excuse to get away so he could call the Army, but then he felt Erin’s hand sneak onto his ass and hesitated. No, don’t call the Army. It would be a much better idea to stay here and gather intelligence at the wedding. It’s not because- oh Christ, she’s stroking my ass with her thumb. Oh, that feels good. Yes. Stay here. Stay here, definitely.  
“Here’s your tea, dear, and mind the cup, it’s very hot. Sit yourself down.” Erin’s grandmother smiled kindly. “Wherever you- NOT THERE!”  
“Yes ma’am!” Gerard jumped away from the armchair and fled to the couch.  
“Don’t take it personally.” Erin settled down next to him. “Only the priest gets to use the armchair.”  
Her grandmother clucked disapprovingly. “Well, if the good Lord had intended for you to sit in the armchair, Erin, He would not have given us the couch.”  
“He didn’t give us the couch.” Erin rolled her eyes again. “The Speers next door did.”  
“And it was a very kind gift as well.” Her mouth set in a hard line and she brandished a carpet beater. “You two visit on in here with your grandfather. I’ve to beat the rugs.”  
Gerard smiled politely. “That’s… nice.” You scare me more than a pound of C4 under my car. He took a sip of the tea and immediately had to suppress a grimace at the odd aftertaste until after he was sure Erin’s grandmother had gone. “Oh God, Erin, why does it taste like she strained it through a stale bog?”  
“That’s just the local water.” Erin waved her hand dismissively. “Have you not noticed yet that it comes out of the tap yellow?”  
Gerard pulled a face. “I had noticed that, yes.” He looked around desperately for somewhere to put the awful tea.  
“USE A COASTER!”  
Gerard blinked. “How did she… how did she know?”  
“She always knows,” grumbled Daithi, coming in and slouching on the opposite couch. “One time, I was about to risk taking a piss with the seat down, and herself started bellowing at me through the door.”  
“She seems…” Gerard hesitated. Terrifying. Scarier than the paramilitaries. Horribly like my grandmother. “Fun?”  
Daithi shook his head. “She’s not.” He pulled a flask out of his shirt pocket and took a swig. “Here, boy, have yourself a nip.”  
“No, that’s- JESUS!” Gerard somehow caught the flask with one hand as Daithi casually threw it at him, stifling a scream as his searing hot tea splashed onto his crotch. Great, Gerard. You’ve scalded your junk and made it look like you’ve pissed yourself, all in one go. Fantastic first impression. “Uh… thank you?”  
“You’ll need it.” Daithi shook his head darkly. “You take a long look at that woman, boy. That’s your Erin in fifty or sixty years.”  
Jesus. He didn’t even want to think about that. Gerard quickly flipped off the cap and took a deep swig of whiskey. He didn’t even want to risk thinking about that. “Then I guess you’re a lucky man?”  
“Smooth, boy.” Daithi nodded appreciatively. “Erin, you’ve picked a good one here.”  
Erin smiled shyly and took Gerard’s hand in hers. “I think so.”

Gerard frowned. “Is that the groom vomiting on the side of the church?”  
“Probably.” Erin took a long drag on her cigarette. “He’s got to have a hangover fit to fell Lazarus. I heard they had to get him pissed as a fart last night to stop him making a break for it.”  
“That’s… that’s really sad.” Gerard was suddenly swallowing tears. Oh crap. Oh crap, I’ve gotten engaged too soon, and now I’m going to have to dump a girl who probably already has a dress. And worse, I’m going to do it right after I come home from a date with another girl…  
“I guess.” Erin shrugged. “He should have thought of that before he did her up against the wall of the Bogside Inn.”  
Gerard forced a smile. Well, that’s romantic. “…True?” And I should have thought of this before I proposed, but I didn’t, I did it on impulse, and now I’m screwed. How do I do this? Would it be easier hearing it face to face rather than over the phone? But… I can’t get leave. The Army have me listed as AWOL. Do I get Mikey to do it? Gerard shook his head and pulled a face. “I hate weddings.”  
“Me too.” Erin grinned. “Why do you hate them?”  
Gerard swallowed back a fresh surge of tears. “It’s meant to be joy, a celebration of love and family, but it’s all a… a…” He shook his head blankly. “But it’s just a festival of lies. The groom pretends it’s the happiest day of his life, the bride pretends she didn’t have to settle, the guests pretend they’re having fun, everyone pretends to believe the bride’s a virgin… it’s just… total bullshit.”  
“It IS!” Erin laughed. “And CALLA LILIES? In the bouquet AND on the tables? Aren’t those things for funerals?” She wrinkled her nose. “And they STINK.”  
Gerard grinned. “I know, right? My fian- friend INSISTS on having them fucking EVERYWHERE at ou- her wedding.” Your wedding, Gerard. YOUR wedding. You total asshole.  
Erin took a long drag on her cigarette. “I’m having lilies of the valley with blue irises in the bouquet at my wedding, with trailing ivy hanging down, and sunflowers on the tables. I love lilies of the valley. My mother got married with lilies of the valley in her bouquet.” She smiled. “And I love sunflowers… they’re my favourite flower.”  
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “I have sunflowers outside the house, you know.”  
“I noticed, and all that gorgeous trailing ivy climbing up the front.” Erin smiled shyly. “Maybe you could bring me some sometime?”  
“Yeah.” Gerard smiled back, suddenly horribly aware his hand was on her arm. “Maybe I should.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “So… you’re not TOTALLY against weddings?”  
Erin smiled. “I never said that.”  
Gerard felt himself break into a wide smile and suddenly wanted nothing more than for someone to slap him. And not in the fun way.  
“Oh, crap.” Erin brushed cigarette ash off her dress. “Ah, it’s fine, the bouquet will hide the burn mark.” She sighed. “Fuck, but I hate this dress. Puffed sleeves and in a shade of putrid bile, and I’m afraid to stand near open flames. Why would anyone choose to put their relatives in this?” She grimaced.  
Gerard put his hand on her arm, horribly aware that he was about to cross another truly awful line. “Well, Erin, if I had a bridesmaid as beautiful as you are, I… I’d put her in an ugly dress too. I wouldn’t want the competition.”  
Erin laughed. “Thanks.” She stubbed her cigarette out on the church wall and gave him an appreciative look. “You know… you look DAMN good in that suit.”  
Gerard grinned. “Well, it’s only fair, since you look DAMN good in that dress.”  
Erin let out a long, hitching breath. “Oh… thanks…”  
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “Yeah.”  
There was a brief, loaded pause, and then Erin grabbed Gerard and pulled him against the wall of the church, kissing him frantically as he wrapped his arms around her back. “Oh God, this is so wrong, but it’s just so hot…”  
“I know…” Erin grabbed his waist and pulled him in closer, pressing her entire body against his. “Jesus, just be careful not to rip the dress, Gerard…” She paused and then broke into a devilish grin, trailing her finger across his lower lip. “Well, maybe rip it just a little…”  
Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Christ…”  
Erin grinned, grabbed his suit lapels and pulled him back in, her hands in his hair and her breath hot in his mouth as he kissed her. “Oh God, Erin…”  
“Hey Gerard…” Erin raised an eyebrow and gave him a wicked smile. “The ceremony’s over and everyone’s too smashed to notice we’re gone. You want to go home and make out on the armchair in the good front room?” She leaned in and kissed his cheek, whispering into his ear. “We could even unzip the plastic covers…”  
Gerard stared at her. “Oh, you are a dirty girl!”  
Erin ran her tongue slowly along his lower lip. “Is that a yes?”  
“It’s a “the hell with my coat, let’s GO!” Gerard grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the street. “TAXI!”

Gerard finally sloped home at around 8, dishevelled and grinning like an idiot, and then stopped. No. No, you can’t do this. Shona deserves better. You’ve been with her seven years. You’re meant to marry her in 18 months. You can’t go making out with other girls, let alone go rounding second base with other girls in the priest’s armchair, without doing the right thing first. Except you just did. Asshole. He sighed, changed into his casual clothes, and walked as nonchalantly as he could to the phone box at Derry bus station with a pit of angst and guilt roiling in his stomach… along with whatever that hillbilly moonshine Daithi had thrown at him that morning. Almost 12 hours later and he was still feeling it. OK, Gerard. Deep breath. He picked up the phone, swallowed nervously and started to dial. “Shona? Hi. It’s Gerard. I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but…” He sighed. “I wish I was there with you, but… Shona, we have to talk…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daithi and his wife are very closely modelled on friends of mine in Belfast. As in, they even have the same first names.
> 
> Shona... I'm sorry you're about to get dumped.
> 
> Also, yeah, in some parts of Derry and the surrounding counties, the water comes out of the tap pale yellow. It's because of peat contaminating the groundwater. And yes, it tastes like bogs.


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally I put the notes at the end. This is different.
> 
> This event happened. Every detail is correct. Army units, weapons, how the shootings happened. A soldier did walk up to a screaming wounded man, look down, and casually shoot him in the head with a handgun. Large numbers of teenagers died.
> 
> No soldier was ever prosecuted.

“Dear Mikey,

I miss you. I hope Shona is OK. Can you go round and check on her? I had to break up with her, I just had to, I [censored] with [censored], I met her at [censored] and it just felt like a dirtbag thing despite the [censored] so I had to do it over the phone because [censored], and I’m a bastard and… I wish I could have just told her in person. Tell her that. Make sure she’s OK. A part of me still loves her, and I’m so worried about her. Please tell her it’s not her fault, and that I’m just a bastard. I’d rather she hate me than blame anything she did. Most of all, TELL HER I’M BACK AND POSTED IN SCOTLAND. DO NOT GIVE HER MY ADDRESS. DO NOT LET HER COME HERE. She’ll get herself killed in five minutes. PLEASE. I have never heard someone sound so English.

Things are… still fucked. So fucked. I AM SO FUCKED AND NOT IN THE FUN WAY. You have no idea, Mikes. NO idea.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

January 30, 1972

“You all ready for the internment protest, Gerard?” Erin smiled cheerfully and stretched up to kiss him, her hand on his waist.  
“For sure.” Gerard was grinning like an idiot. The horrible little man from Belfast who was supposedly his father had turned up for Christmas so Gerard had promptly made an excuse and spent the entire holiday from Midnight Mass to Boxing Day with Erin’s family, including her on-the-run father, and yes, he hadn’t exactly notified the Army that he’d located Eamon Kelly, but he figured it was better to think long-term. You know, with gathering intelligence, not with Erin, obviously, although her father had LOVED him and that was a HUGE thing, it was like the ultimate stamp of approval, because Erin’s father was her world. Erin’s mother had died when she was a child, although she never talked about it. He hadn’t read her file out of respect for her, and all he knew so far was that a bomb had exploded under a car outside and her dad had run into her burning, crumbling bedroom and saved her from the chaos and fire that had killed her mother and only sisters. “I really liked your dad. He was so cool.” He hugged her close, stroking her hair and leaning down to kiss the top of her head, mentally shaking his head. Thank God that creepy-ass fake dad of his had fucked off again.  
“He loved you too.” Erin smiled. “Did you hear BERNADETTE DEVLIN is here?” Her eyes were shining with excitement. “She’s my HEROINE. I want to be just like her!”  
“Well, you already got into Queens in Belfast.” Gerard stroked the side of her face. “Maybe you’ll get to meet her today?”  
“As if.” Erin rolled her eyes. “And I have to get STRAIGHT As in my Leaving Cert to clinch that place at Queens.”  
“Erin, you’ll get the As.” Gerard kissed her. “You’re the smartest person I know, including me, and I speak five languages. This time next year, you’ll be studying PPE in Belfast, and you’ll change the world, and you’ll reclaim our country, and Bernadette Devlin will be your peer, not your heroine.” Wow. Our country. OUR country. Why does that not sound wrong any more?  
Erin stroked his arm. “I love you.”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her. “I love you too.” He looked around. “This is amazing, there must be 15,000 people here…”  
Erin leaned in conspiratorially. “You know, the Army banned all gatherings a week and a half ago.”  
Yeah, I do know that. They told me. Repeatedly. “Yeah.” Gerard shrugged. “And?”  
“Mmmmmm, I like it…” Erin nodded and looked him up and down appreciatively, holding up her banner as the march started down from the Creggan towards William Street and the city centre. “I’ve always loved a bad boy…”  
Well, I’m the worst person on Earth, so you’ll just adore me. Gerard pushed back a wave of guilt. “INTERNMENT IS ILLEGAL! END SECTARIANISM!” He meant it, too. He’d thought it was wrong from the start.  
“YOU’RE VIOLATING OUR HUMAN RIGHTS!” Erin snuck him a glance as they entered Rossville Street. “I love that you’re here with me.”  
“NO MORE IMPRISONMENT WITHOUT TRIAL! GIVE US BACK OUR CIVIL RIGHTS!” Gerard smiled at her. “I love that you’re here with me t-“ He got his first look at the Army and almost froze. That’s 3 battalions, two water cannons, CS gas cannons, rubber bullet cannons, and they are all wearing gas masks and bristling with L1A1 light machine guns. They are not here just to take pictures. He glanced around fake-casually and immediately saw snipers in at least three buildings. “Erin… Erin, run. Run NOW!”  
“Gerard…” Erin looked confused. “Gerard, it’s just a peaceful protest-“  
“Maybe on our side, but… they’re prepar-“ He heard the first shots and saw Johnny Y and Mike Maccy fall, and he grabbed her arm as a CS gas canister barely missed his head. “ERIN, JUST FUCKING RUN!”  
“Gerard-“ Erin tried to pull her arm away and then he was hit by a burst from a water cannon, knocking him off his feet a split second before Mikey K behind him was hit by machine gun fire. “GERARD! Oh God, GERARD!”  
“I’m OK, Erin, I’m OK, it’s just purple dye, it’s not blood, the bullets didn’t hit me…” He started to cough as the CS canister went off and then a rubber bullet hit him hard in the ribs and knocked him down again.  
“Gerard! GERARD!” Erin stumbled around in half-blinded panic. “Gerard, WHERE ARE YOU?!”  
“I’m here, Erin, it’s OK… oh, JESUS-“ He stumbled to his feet, grabbed her and ran, dragging her away with the fleeing crowd. “Just hold onto me, OK, Erin, hold onto my hand and don’t let go, OK?”  
“Gerard, I… I can’t… I can’t breathe…” Erin was coughing so hard she could barely speak, and Gerard immediately pulled off his water-soaked corduroy jacket and held it over her head, pressing the sleeve into her face and wrapping most of it around her head like a hood. “Gerard, Johnny Y is dead, I saw him fall and then the APCs rolled forwards over him and he was just gone…”  
“I know, I know, and I saw them kill Damien, and he was only 15, Erin, he was 15, they killed so many of them…” Gerard swallowed back a sudden burst of panic. “It’s OK, Erin, just breathe through the fabric, Erin, keep your head down, OK, just keep your head down, keep running…” Gerard saw the boy next to him fall and swore quietly in his head, putting his arm around her shoulders as he heard an English voice yell “SEPARATE THEM! PINCER MOVEMENT, SPLIT THEM OFF!”  
Oh shit, oh shit, they’re going to kill us all. Gerard started to pull Erin along faster, choking on the CS gas himself and barely able to breathe. “I know it’s hard, Erin, but keep running, keep running, please, we have to get away, get somewhere safe, right now…” He pulled her into a sheltered spot between two blocks of the Rossville Flats. “We’re safe here for a minute, just try and catch your breath, Erin, breathe, try and breathe…” Gerard glanced at the main road and immediately saw his friend Kevin crawling across the courtyard, bleeding heavily. “Kevin! KEVIN, OVER HERE!”  
Kevin looked at him and his face lit up. “GERARD, oh thank GOD, YOU’RE ALIVE!” He started to pull himself towards them, and then suddenly jerked as another shot hit him and collapsed untidily onto the ground, cigarettes and loose change spilling out of his pockets as blood pooled around his body.  
“Kevin!” Gerard’s mouth fell open. “KEVIN! OH GOD, KEVIN, GET UP! GET UP!” Oh shit, he’s dead, he’s dead, they’re going to kill us all…  
“The jacket is helping, Gerard, you should use it…” Erin could barely hear or see, her eyes bright red and swollen shut, half-deafened by gunfire and her body and clothes drenched head to toe in purple-dyed water. “It’s yours…”  
“Erin, I don’t need it.” Gerard wiped his eyes and saw a man run out onto the courtyard towards a teenager lying opposite the flats, waving a white handkerchief, and then almost immediately drop to the concrete paving with a loud scream. “Gerry! GERRY!” He turned frantically to Erin. “Oh God, I know that boy from school, he’s only 17, and I think he’s dead, Erin, and that guy was trying to help, I have to help him, stay here…” He ran over and suddenly the man’s head seemed to explode as he was hit by another round as he writhed on the ground. Another man fell on his face nearby, screaming for his mother, and a soldier walked over casually and shot him in the head from inches away. “Oh my God, Erin, oh my God…” Gerard just stood there, paralysed by what was seeing, and then he felt a bullet, a real 7.62 live round, smash into his back, spinning him around and knocking him flat on the pavement. “Oh… oh, Jesus…” He grasped blindly at the stone tiles beneath him, his mouth wide open as he willed himself to breathe, and then he pushed himself over onto his stomach and screamed from the pain. “Oh God… oh, that hurts…” He slowly managed to climb onto all fours, trying to catch his breath and desperately praying not to throw up. He saw another boy nearby fall and finally threw up on the pavement, unable to take it any more. This was not what he had trained for. He had never trained for this. “There’s so many people bleeding, Erin, what do I do, I can’t even stand…”  
“Just don’t die, Gerard, oh God, oh God, just don’t die, please don’t die…” Erin dropped to her knees beside him, ignoring the screaming, jostling crowd trampling over them. “Let me help you…” She wrapped her arm around his back and helped him up, dragging him along beside her. “Gerard, why are they doing this, we don’t have any weapons…”  
“I don’t know, Erin, I don’t know, and I’m so sorry, I swear, I’m sorry about all of this…” Gerard wiped away tears. “Uh, CS gas, you know, tears, totally not real tears or anything, I’m not crying…” Liar.  
Erin smiled gently. “I know, Gerard, and it’s OK. I understand, but it’s still not your fault. It’s not like you’re the Army, even if you did live in London for a while.”  
Except I am. I am the Army. Gerard forced a smile as he limped along beside her, trying to block it out as the boy beside him was hit in the back of the head by a rubber bullet and collapsed to the ground. “I’m OK, Erin, I’m OK…” He sucked in a deep breath and immediately choked on the gas. “Keep going, Erin, keep going, we can get to my house and it’ll be OK…” He glanced back and saw the street littered with dying teenagers and screaming injured civilians, blood everywhere and a priest stumbling around giving last rites. Mikey K’s body was being wrapped in the ‘CIVIL RIGHTS’ banner from the march, and Gerard had to force himself to look away. You can’t help them, Gerard, you can’t, I know you want to, but you can’t, and yes, he has the same name as your brother, but he’s NOT your brother, so breathe, Gerard, breathe…  
“I know a doctor… well, my dad knows a doctor, and technically, he’s a vet, but he doesn’t ask questions, and he’ll fix you right up, you’ll be fine…” Erin smiled nervously at him and paused to help a man who was being trampled. “Here.” She pulled Gerard into a sheltered spot behind Glenfada Park. “It’s OK, Gerard, it’s OK, just try to breathe…”  
Gerard nodded and pulled off his “FREE DERRY” T-shirt, pressing the thinner and far less effective fabric over his face. On the plus side, it showed off his hard-earned skinny body to perfection, and he WAS wearing subtle eyeliner and mascara today. On the downside, though, he was also sporting a pretty dramatic bullet wound. He winced and clamped his hand over it, blood starting to trickle through his fingers and a weak, dizzy feeling beginning to spread through his body. “Yeah, and you can get in my shower, wash off the gas, you’ll be able to breathe and see again, Erin…” Gerard was coughing violently and he draped his jacket further over her head, stroking the side of her face reassuringly. “I think we’re almost out of range, but, oh God, Erin, this is horrific, dozens of people have to be dead, I’m so, so sorry…”  
“Gerard.” Erin smiled gently, her arm still around his waist as he limped along beside her, leaning heavily on her arm. “Stop saying that. It’s not your fault.”  
It is. Gerard bit his lip. “I love yo-“  
There was a fresh round of shots from nearby and Erin screamed. “Gerard, why are they here, they never come this far into the Bogside, help me, help me, I don’t know what to do…”  
“They’re everywhere, they’ve split up the crowd and they’re trying to cut us off and pen us in, they’re picking us off one by one…” Gerard dropped to his knees, struggling to breathe and forcing himself not to panic. “Come on, my house…” He gasped and fell onto the road, rolling onto his back and looking desperately up at her face as he clutched at his side. “My house is two streets away. Just keep zig-zagging as you run.” He fumbled in his jeans pocket and pulled out his keyring, suddenly especially glad he’d ‘accidentally’ broken the bug and tracer on the phone line outside his house with a hammer and screwdriver the week before. “Here’s my key. Take it. Wash the gas off, change your clothes, and irrigate your eyes with lukewarm water for 15 minutes, and you’ll be fine.” He sucked in a deep breath and grabbed her hand tightly. “You’ll get there much faster without me dragging you down. I’ll meet you there.” He forced a smile. “I promise.”  
Erin stared at him. “Gerard, you’ve been shot, you were hit by a baton round, you can’t even stand, you could… you could die here without me!”  
“I don’t care.” Gerard somehow forced himself to sit up and pressed the keys into her hand, pulling her in to kiss him. “I love you, Erin.” He smiled softly, and then pushed her away. “Run, Erin. They’re trying to cut us off so we can’t escape. You need to run while you can. GO.”  
Erin shook her head and knelt down next to him. “No, Gerard, no, I won’t, I love you, I’m not going to leave you here to die-”  
“Erin.” Gerard reached out and stroked her arm, finally collapsing flat on his back as he gasped for breath. “Erin… Erin, I love you. I love you more than anything, but you need to leave me here. You need to live. GO! RUN!” He closed his eyes, lying on his back in the road as darkness slowly descended over him. “Please, Erin… just… run…” He could feel himself drifting, blood pooling on the road beneath him and soaking into Erin’s jeans as he finally lost consciousness. “…run…”


	9. 9

January 31, 1972

Erin bit her lip and stroked Gerard’s cheek, leaning down to kiss his forehead and smiling fondly as she saw a faint smile on his face. “Gerard…” She stroked his thick black hair, held her forehead against his and kissed him gently, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs, and then she finally wiped her eyes and stood up, looked both ways, and reluctantly sprinted away towards his house, looking frantically around and zigzagging across the street, ducking behind parked cars as she ran. Gerard, Gerard, oh God, Gerard, I can’t believe I left him there… She chewed hard on her lip, constantly fighting the urge to look back, knowing she’d just see him horribly sprawled on his back on the road where she’d abandoned him but desperate to know if he was still alive. He had to be alive, he had to live, he had to…

Gerard didn’t know how long he was unconscious, but when he woke his first thought was: Erin.

Erin? He frowned in a floating concussed, vague confusion. 

Erin… 

Erin… 

Erin…

Oh God, ERIN! His eyes flew open. Erin. Where is she? I told her to run but she wouldn’t, please, please tell me she ran… He looked around for her and saw with a jolt that it was getting dark. Jesus, I must have been out for hours… 

Erin will be fine, Gerard. She’ll be fine. She has to be fine. He took as deep a breath as he could and winced, clutching at his side, and realised for the first time that the bullet that had hit his back had left a fist-sized exit hole in his stomach. He could see things hanging out that he was fairly sure belonged INSIDE his body. Oh God. Oh Jesus. No, you’re fine, go, keep moving. He forced himself to roll onto his front and staggered to his feet, glanced around, and started to stumble along the street, barely able to stand. He gritted his teeth, horribly aware that not only were his clothes soaked in blood, but that not all of it was his. Not much further, Gerard, not much further… He legs went from under him again and he collapsed to his knees, but he kept crawling, hearing bullets and cannons and rubber bullets and screaming behind him as he dragged himself past the bodies of dead teenagers he recognised from school assemblies, from smoking, hell, some of them from CLASS, and he had never felt so guilty in his entire life. If I hadn’t left the regiment I’d… I’d be there. With them. Shooting civilians. Shooting KIDS. Oh God, what AM I?! Would I have done this too? Would I have joined in? Would I have been laughing and keeping score? Would I have hunted them down too? I SIGNED UP FOR THIS! I’M ONE OF THEM! He pulled to himself back onto his feet as he saw his house ahead and stumbled blankly along the street, clinging unsteadily to the walls of the houses for support and clutching at his side with tears streaming down his face, real tears, not tears from the gas. I’m a horrible person, horrible, horrible… “Oh my God… what did I do…” He finally staggered into his front yard, coughing violently, and collapsed forward onto the ground, his hands clawing weakly at the concrete and the rough loose stones on the driveway digging into his cheek. “Oh my God, oh my God, what did I do…”  
“GERARD!” Erin ran out of his front door, wearing his pyjama shirt and a pair of his boxer shorts, still soaked from the shower, and threw her arms around him, kissing him over and over and laying the side of her face on his back. “Oh God, you’re safe, you’re safe, it’s been hours, I thought you were dead, I did, but the man is coming from the Cross to fix you up, I had my father call him, he’s the best, so it’ll all be fine, you’ll be OK, Gerard…” She helped him to his feet and half-dragged him into the house, laid him carefully down on the couch, and propped his head up with pillows. “Deep breaths, Gerard, deep breaths, it’ll all be OK, just remember I love you, OK, promise me…” She knelt down beside him and stroked his cheek. “It’s all going to be OK, Gerard…”  
“Erin…” Gerard smiled weakly and reached out for her, pulling her close and burying his face in her neck, breathing in the scent of her skin and the smell of his shampoo in her hair as she held him in her arms. “Erin, guys from my class are dead. SCHOOLKIDS. Johnny D is dead. Johnny Y is dead. Will is dead, and… and I think his dad died too, he went to help his son and the soldiers shot him, right there, no reason, they just shot him dead from about a foot away. Mike Maccy is dead. Mikey K is dead. Hugh is dead. Gerry is dead. Kevin died… Kevin, he… he died in front of me. He was crawling towards us and he was already gushing blood and I was beckoning him, and then they shot him again and he just dropped dead, right there. Some of them…” He started to cry harder. “Some of them died right in front of me…” He hugged her so tight that she could barely breathe, sobbing into her hair. “Oh my God, Erin, I love you, I love you so, so much, I’m so glad you’re OK…”  
Erin nodded frantically. “You too, Gerard, you too, I spent every minute here without you sobbing, I thought you were dead, I couldn’t believe I’d just left you there to die, because I love you, Gerard, I do, I love you more than anything, and words… words aren’t enough to show you how much I care about you…” Erin stroked his hair. “Come on, let’s get you fixed up…” She kissed his forehead. “I mean, yeah, the guy mostly does cows and horses at his day job, but he’s really, REALLY good with people too…”  
Well, that’s reassuring. Cows and horses sound great. Just great. I mean, what’s the difference? They have four stomachs, hooves, and udders, but hey, who cares? Gerard forced a smile. “Great.”  
“You’ll be fine, Gerard.” Erin smiled reassuringly as she stood up and carefully helped him pull off his blood-soaked shoes and jeans, easing his pyjama pants up to his hips. She lowered him slowly back onto the couch, kissing him gently before going to fetch a jug of warm water and a bowl to start irrigating his eyes. “I love you, Gerard. What you did today, and what you did for me… it was… amazing.” She knelt down beside him and carefully poured water down his face, stroking his cheek as he winced. “It’s OK, Gerard. It’ll be done soon. I called my grandparents and said I was OK and staying with you and, uh, your dad, until things settle down outside, so I’ll be here all night to take care of you. I may have ‘accidentally’ left out the part about your dad being away on business though.” She smiled and put her hand on his. “You’ll be OK. It’s going to be OK. My dad said the guy will be here soon, and he’ll fix you right up. He’s a pro with bullet wounds by now, trust me.”  
“Uh… great?” Gerard managed a nervous smile as his vision finally started to clear, Erin carefully pouring water over his face and sponging it away with a look of concern on her face. Just don’t scream during the stitches, Gerard. Just don’t scream like a girl. It doesn’t matter if it’s a super-manly injury. Never scream like a girl.

“Gerard, you saved my life today.” Erin smiled shyly. “Thank you, I… I love you so much, you nearly died, and you did it for me, and it made me realise how much you mean to me…” She kissed him gently. “Actually, I… it made me realise I wanted to do something with you…”  
Jesus. Gerard sat up straight and carefully crossed his legs, sure to keep his hands folded over his lap “Oh… yes?” Be cool, Gerard. Be cool.  
“Yes.” Erin whipped a bowl of ice cream coated in whipped cream and hot chocolate sauce from behind her back. “Ta da! Vanilla AND chocolate chip! With hot chocolate fudge sauce, whipped cream, AND a maraschino cherry!”  
“Your surprise is… ice cream?” Gerard had to fight to stop his face from falling. “Wow, that’s so… great! I LOVE ice cream!” Maybe if I put it In my lap it will numb my balls.  
“Fantastic.” Erin grinned and kissed his cheek, leaning in to whisper into his ear. “Psych! Once you eat that ice cream and build up some serious energy, we’re going straight to your bedroom and we’re going to bang it out. HARD.”  
Christ. Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Oh Erin, I love you, you are the sexiest, most incredible girl in the world…”  
“And you’re the sexiest, most incredible man in the world.” Erin kissed the still-painful bandaged bullet wound on his side, her hand stroking the enormous bruise from the rubber bullet that had hit him and broken four ribs. “I love a bad boy, and a REBEL, and a man with scars… and you were injured fighting for our country’s FREEDOM, to end 800 YEARS of OPPRESSION, and… and in saving the lives of other people who needed you.” She kissed him gently, starting to kiss his neck and chest, working her way downwards and kissing the bandage again. “I love you so much, Gerard, and watching you fight and willingly risk sacrificing yourself for a united Ireland… there is NOTHING sexier than that… even if you did scream like a girl when the vet stitched you up.” She laughed and then ran her finger slowly along his lower lip. “You gave me your jacket to help me breathe, you never let go of my hand, you saw what was happening before anyone else and you warned me, you kept my head down, you pulled me to safety so many times, so many times, and then you ran back out into danger to try and save the lives of total strangers, When you couldn’t walk any more and collapsed in the street… you gave me your keys, told me you loved me, and then told me to keep running. You got me back to your house safely, and that was all you cared about. After today, after you willingly risked giving up your life for me without a second thought, all I want is to feel as close to you as possible, after… everything, after I nearly lost you, I need that, I need that so much, so… uh…” She blushed bright red. “Do you have any, uh-“  
“No.” Gerard’s heart sank. “Do you?”  
Erin raised her eyebrows. “Are you kidding? A Catholic girl who’s never left Ireland?” She burst out laughing. “No. No, I do not. Not even my married cousins have them. You can’t get contraceptives here.”  
“DAMN IT!” Gerard punched the couch. “Uh, I mean, I’m cool, but darn, if they don’t, uh, sell any contraceptives here, especially if you’re not married, I guess, we could, you know, wait…” Yup. Definitely going to need the ice cream for my balls. Maybe I could just dump it in my pants and cut out the middleman.  
“Or…” Erin grinned. “Boat trip to Liverpool?”  
“BOAT TRIP TO LIVERPOOL!” Gerard grinned and kissed her, ignoring the searing pain from the bullet wound and broken ribs as he pushed her down on his couch, kissing her passionately. Thank God for the cow morphine. “I can totally make free passes from school, fake a school trip, we can get the ferry, they don’t check ID, get you on the Pill, buy some, well, condoms…” He kissed her again, his hands tangled in her wet hair as she wrapped her legs around his hips, pressing every inch of herself against his body. “Erin, you’re perfect… I love you, I love you more than anything in the world, so if you’re 100% sure you want to…”  
“I can barely wait.” Erin smiled back and ran her hands over his back, hugging him as close as she could and snuggling up into his chest, tracing patterns on his skin with her fingertips. “And I love you too.”

The next morning Gerard sat on the high embankment beneath the city walls overlooking the Bogside, staring at the lingering clouds of gas, empty CS canisters, bullet-scarred walls, burned-out buildings, and craters in the ground. There were scorch marks everywhere, and bloodstains on the walls, the streets, the courtyards… hell, any open spaces. There was just blood EVERYWHERE. The barricades were still up, scattered stones abandoned on the ground, and lengths of tangled, blackened razor wire with snagged scraps of clothing and what looked horribly like shreds of human skin hanging off it. He swallowed back tears. People he knew had done this. Neil and Bert would have done this, and they would have laughed. Frank could have done this. He might even have laughed along with them. Had he kept Gerard’s silver shilling and remembered what it meant, a whole six months later? Had he tried to stop the killing? And… could Gerard have done this if he was still with the battalion? How much would it even have bothered him? Would he have questioned it, or would he have just opened fire? Would he even have cared by now? What was the point? WAS there a point? Why did this even happen?  
“Hey, dude.” A guy sauntered over casually. “Rough day? You know, I bet I got something that can help you out…”  
“I signed up for something I never should have gotten involved with.” Gerard shook his head blankly. “This shouldn’t have happened. I don’t know why it happened.” He looked up at the vaguely creepy guy. “Do you ever wonder why? Just, WHY? Does life HAVE any meaning? Why do I even bother living when I’m like this? Six months ago I was all set, I thought I knew, knew EVERYTHING that I wanted, but now it’s all a mess, and… what if the future I want is out of reach FOREVER? What am I meant to do now?” He leaned forward and grabbed the creepy guy by his pants legs, looking up at him desperately. “WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO NOW?”  
“Whoa! WHOA!” The creepy guy pulled back and staggered away, shaking his head. “Dude, I was just trying to sell you some drugs or whatever, you know, weed, acid, heroin, Valium, that kind of shit, but then YOU had to make it weird!” He fled towards the city centre, glancing behind him to make sure the crazy dude from the embankment wasn’t chasing him, and Gerard went back to staring out at the Bogside, Erin’s little red house in the distance, wiping tears off his cheeks and wondering how many houses were filled with people sobbing. This should never have have happened.

This should never have happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The Cross' is Irish slang for a heavily IRA-controlled town called Crossmaglen, and the surrounding rural area.
> 
> And yeah, you can buy condoms there now, but they're normally kept hidden under the counter in pharmacies rather than on display. You can also get the contraceptive pill, but doctors have the legal right to refuse to prescribe it and pharmacists have the legal right to refuse to dispense it.


	10. 10

“Dear Mikey,

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH SHONA. YOU TOTAL ASSHOLE. THAT IS SO NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID TO GO AND CHECK ON HER. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

And by the way, her letter said you were NOTHING compared to me. 

Dick.

Love, Gerard XOXO

PS: DICK.

——————

February 11, 1972

“My sisters went to Liverpool with my parents once, before I was even born.” Erin smiled wistfully, holding the bouquet of sunflowers and trailing ivy Gerard had picked for her that afternoon tightly in her hand. He was proud of that bouquet, mostly because she’d loved it so much she’d cried a little when he presented her with it, but also because he’d only fallen off the wall of his house twice picking the ivy for it. It hadn’t even been THAT undignified. Only one person had seen him fall and land on his butt in the mud the first time. Yes, the second time he’d missed his yard completely and landed on the neighbour’s newly-washed white car, leaving a huge muddy ass print on the paintwork, but no one had seen him fall that time. He was sure of that. Well, sort of sure of that. Definitely hopeful of that, since his response was to get up and run away. Erin smiled again, glancing at the sunflower and ivy bouquet and looking fondly at Gerard. “My dad keeps like a dozen photos of that trip in his wallet. There was a holiday camp near there, so they drove up there from the boat and spent a week eating ice cream at the seaside and at playgrounds and waterparks.”  
“It sounds like he misses them as much as you do.” Gerard squeezed Erin’s hand, lifting it to his lips to kiss it. “It also sounds like my childhood holidays, except ours were always either in a caravan somewhere in Wicklow or in some dump in Southend, depending on which parent we were with.”  
Erin laughed, holding his hand and entwining her fingers with his as they walked up the boarding ramp to the boat, straining to see where the steps were under the cheap sodium lights in the winter darkness. “We didn’t have much money, so dad told me how they all got standard tickets and then all of them slept on the floor that night. 10 hours, this trip takes. 10pm to 8am. Ouch.” She grimaced. “This is going to be uncomfortable.”  
Gerard grinned. “I hope not, because there’ll be no sleeping on the floor here. I paid extra to get a double cabin for the night. To Liverpool AND back… and I got a fancy hotel for the night we’re there too.” He kissed her gently and led her to their cabin, producing the key he’d picked up when he bought the tickets at Larne and unlocking the door for her.  
Erin smiled and looked down, blushing bright red. “Oh, come on, Gerard, you’re only a schoolkid and this must have cost your whole savings. You didn’t have to do this…”  
Gerard smiled. “Except I did.” My weekly paycheque alone covered it and I have never been so horny in my life, only I couldn’t find any condoms in the bathroom at the ferry terminal, so I don’t have any. He unlocked the door and stepped aside, holding it open for her. OK. Be cool. Gerard. Be cool. “Erin, don’t think I have any expectations of you or anything because of this, because I-“  
“Well, too bad, Gerard, because I definitely have expectations of you.” Erin shoved him hard towards the bed, tossing the sunflowers and ivy onto the bedside table as she climbed on top of him, kissing him deeply as she kicked the door shut behind them.  
Oh, this feels good, this feels so good… Gerard could feel the first quivers of pleasure beginning to grow as she rolled onto her back, pulling him down on top of her and wrapping her thighs around his hips, kissing him passionately and thrusting herself up against him. Oh Christ, oh Christ, oh Christ… Gerard gritted his teeth and somehow forced himself to pull away. “Erin, once we get to Liverpool and get you the Pill, the doctor will say you need to wait a month from your last period to use them. I remember when my ex started on them, and you’re not even taking them yet, so-“  
“You don’t get it, Gerard… I can’t wait that long…” Erin smiled wickedly at him. “And, you know what? I don’t think you can either…” Erin stroked the side of his face, pulled off her shirt and kissed him hard, one hand in his hair and the other stealing downwards, flicking open the button of his pants and slipping inside his boxer shorts, beginning to tickle him gently with her fingers and sending intense tingles of pleasure racing through him.  
“Christ, OK, yes, condoms, condoms it is, I WILL FIND SOME CONDOMS, there’ll probably be a machine in the bathroom, I’ll buy every one on this boat, and then I’m buying all the condoms in Liverpool when we get there, all the condoms, wait here, wait right here, don’t go anywhere, ANYWHERE, I’ll be right back!” Wow, dude. Way to be cool. Gerard silently kicked himself, scrambling for the door and awkwardly pulling up his pants as he sprinted down the corridor until he found a men’s bathroom. “Damn it!” He fumbled frantically through his wallet trying to find a 10 shilling note for the condom machine. He’d wanted this so much for so long that he couldn’t believe it was really about to happen, and he was afraid he’d come in his pants right there and then through sheer anticipation. “Jesus, why do I never have the right money, oh God, I need a ten shillings, a TEN fucking SHILLINGS, I’ll fucking kill myself if I can’t find one…”  
“Problem?” A trucker who’d come to use the urinal was staring at him, deeply amused.  
Gerard nodded frantically. “Yes, the most beautiful girl in the world is lying half naked in my bed and I can’t find a ten shilling note for the fucking condom machine and and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” He punched the wall hard enough to leave a dent, almost in tears. “Fuck, oh Jesus, I can’t believe this is happening, I’ve been holding this in for MONTHS! Five months, man, FIVE MONTHS! I’m one mild breeze away from a SERIOUSLY embarrassing problem and if I have to wait one minute longer then I swear I’m going to have to start icing my balls every day…”  
“Ah. Irish boy on a Pill run, eh?” The trucker grinned and produced a condom, flicking the top edge loose so nine more concertinaed downwards like some kind of X-rated magic trick. “Would these help?”  
“Yes, yes, yes, they would, oh God, thank you-“ Gerard went to hug him and the trucker grabbed him firmly by the shoulders and held him away.  
“No. No hugs. Not until you’ve sorted out that… personal issue of yours.” He eyed the awkwardly obvious erection visible through Gerard’s jeans, handed Gerard the strip of condoms and went to the urinal. “I’ll pick up more later. I’d only have used them for truck-stop hookers anyway.”  
“Oh. OK.” Gerard blinked. “How… romantic.” Wait. Erin. Erin is shirtless and waiting.  
The trucker laughed as Gerard’s eyes widened and he bolted for the door. “Have fun, kid.”  
Gerard grinned. “Oh, believe me, I will.” He sprinted out of the room and down the corridor and burst back into the cabin to find Erin lying on the bed in her bra and panties, a smile playing on her face. “Erin-“  
“About damn time!” Erin grabbed him and pulled him down on top of her, pushing off his jeans as he tore off his shirt. “Don’t worry.” She smiled and guided his hand down to the damp spot on her panties. “I started without you.”  
Gerard stared. “Oh, Jesus Christ, Erin…” He ripped off the first of the strip of condoms, reaching out to put it on the table, and Erin grabbed it from him, fumbled it open, and pushed his boxers off with her foot, sitting up between his thighs and gently sliding it on, using slow, downward strokes. “Oh, Erin, Erin…” Gerard propped himself up on his elbows to watch her, hot bolts of pleasure racing through him, becoming more and more intense with every stroke. “Oh yes… oh yes… oh yes… He let his head fall back, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Oh yes, oh Erin, oh yes… oh yes… oh, sweet Jesus, yes…”  
“You’d better not come before we’ve even gotten started, asshole.” Erin was on top of him again, smiling as she flicked off her bra and threw it on the floor with her panties, leaning in to kiss his ear. “Touch me, Gerard, touch me…” She licked slowly up the side of his neck and started to kiss him gently, rolling onto her back and pulling him back on top of her.  
Jesus. Gerard didn’t need to be told twice. He slipped his hand down between her legs, and then she hesitated for a second. “Actually, Gerard… wait. I… well, I have to tell you something first. Please don’t freak out. Promise me. Promise me you won’t freak out.”  
Shit. Gerard’s eyes widened. Boyfriend. Angry husband. Venereal disease. Crabs. Pregnancy. Dad knows and is hunting me down. He swallowed nervously. “OK, Erin. I promise I won’t freak out.” I fuck dudes dressed as a woman, recently fucked a guy dressed in head to toe lingerie in a graveyard while we were literally braced over a gravestone, and I’m into tons of other super kinky shit, so how bad can it be compared to that?  
“I… everything I’ve done I learned from my married older cousin when I asked her for advice, except for the fingering thing I just did while you were getting the condoms. I learned about that from Caitlin after a drunk Scottish guy did it to her behind a bar when her family were on holiday in Ayr. She said it felt pretty good… you know, before he stopped and puked on her shoes.” Erin blushed, bit her lip and started to gently rub him with the tips of her fingers, irresistible tendrils of pleasure suddenly racing through him, and Gerard suddenly wanted nothing more in his life than to both scream and immediately have his mouth on hers as he pushed deep inside her. “I… I’m, well, actually, I’m really nervous, because, uh… well, I’ve…” Erin hung her head. “I… I’ve never done this before.”  
Gerard grinned. “I was wondering why you put the condom on so early…” She went even redder and Gerard smiled, took her in his arms and started to kiss her gently again, his hand creeping back between her legs. “Erin, it’s OK, and I’m honoured… all it means is that we’re going to take this very, very slowly, and very, very carefully, OK?” Oh my God, this is going to be almost impossible, I want her so, so much… should I go jerk off in the bathroom first? Would that be rude? Is it too late for that? No, Gerard, you shouldn't, and yes, Gerard, yes it would. You’re an idiot.  
“OK.” Erin smiled and cradled his face in her hands as she kissed him, a sigh catching in her throat as she felt him start to touch her. “Oh, Gerard, I love you so much…” She hugged him close, stroking his back and savouring the softness of his skin. “Oh… oh, this feels GOOD…” She bit her lip and kissed him harder, arching her head back as he began to kiss her neck and breasts, then burying her face in the top of his head, breathing in the wonderful scent of his mussed-up hair. “Kiss me, Gerard, kiss me…”  
“Erin…” Gerard began to kiss her frantically, one hand carefully stroking her and the other in her long red hair. “Never forget that I love you. Erin…”  
She smiled as she kissed him, pulling him close. “I promise, Gerard, I will never forget that you love me.” She looked into his eyes. “If you promise to never forget that I love you.”  
“I promise, Erin, I promise…” He kept carefully moving his fingers, listening to her sighing and moaning his name louder and louder as her fingernails clawed hard at his back, her hips thrusting violently upwards.  
“Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh my God…” Erin bit down on her lip so hard she drew blood and Gerard laughed quietly, kissing it away as he kissed her harder and harder. “Oh Gerard, please, that feels so GOOD, please, PLEASE don’t stop…”  
Gerard smiled. “Not if you paid me…” And not only because I’m already getting pretty powerful flickers of pleasure myself just from watching you, and I want you so bad, you have no idea how much I want you… He stroked her face and kept kissing her, his hand pressed against the side of her cheek. Oh God, I want you now, right now, this is killing me… “Since it’s your first time, Erin, I’m going to make sure you’re prepared, OK, I’m going to make sure it hurts as little as possible, so I’m going to make you come a couple of times fir-“  
“I CAN HAVE THOSE? AND… I CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE?! Like, in ONE GO? OR EVEN AT ALL?!” Erin stared at him in amazement. “I didn’t even really believe women could actually have them! I thought that was like… like, an urban legend or something!”  
Gerard barely hid another laugh. “Nope.” He started to move his fingers faster and faster, stroking and teasing and rubbing as he heard her let out a long, moaning scream next to his ear. “Does that feel good?”  
“Yes, oh yes, oh yes…” Erin’s eyes were closed, her mouth hanging open as her body arched upwards beneath his. “Keep going, keep going, oh GOD, keep going, I’ve never felt anything like this before in my LIFE… it’s as if… it’s as if I feel happy and excited and thrilled ALL OVER, just EVERYWHERE…”  
“OK, Erin, deep breath…” Gerard carefully pushed one finger inside her, wincing as he heard a stifled whimper in her throat. “Erin, is that too painful? Do you want me to stop?”  
“No, Gerard, no, it only hurt a little, and it doesn’t hurt any more, keep going, keep going…” She started to kiss him harder, running her hands across his back. “God, Gerard, your skin is like silk…” She looked up at him and bit her lip. “It makes me want to just COVER it in claw marks…”  
Gerard almost came on the spot. Sweet Jesus. “Erin, oh Christ, that is so damn sexy, and you have no idea how long I’ve thought about this, how long I’ve WANTED this…” Gerard started to kiss the side of her neck, flicking his tongue against her ear, and he bit his lip hard. I want you, I want you, I want you NOW…  
“I think I probably have some idea…” Erin was breathing harder and harder, her toes curling and wrinkling the sheets beneath them. “I mean, you arranged a whole weekend pass and a fake school trip and a return trip to Liverpool in less than two weeks, and oh, oh, OH, GERARD…”  
“Oh, God, Erin, I love you…” Gerard’s mouth was back on hers and he was kissing her frantically, barely able to get the words out between kisses. “I love you so much, you have no idea, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, everything is for you, everything is always for you, everything will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be for you…”  
“Oh Gerard… oh Gerard… oh Gerard…” Erin’s body started to shake violently. “GERARD GERARD GERARD GERARD OH GOD GERARD-“ She threw her head back and screamed as she came, her body pushing up beneath his as she grabbed his thick shoulder-length black hair and pulled him down roughly to kiss her. “Oh, that was wonderful, wonderful…”  
“Oh, I’m not even halfway STARTED yet…” Gerard laughed quietly and started to kiss her neck, working his way down her throat and chest and hearing her whimper quietly. Yup. Yup, this is going to kill me. I will actually die of sexual frustration. While technically having sex. I will be the first and only man in history to die of sexual frustration while ACTUALLY HAVING SEX. Jesus fucking Christ.  
“Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” She felt him kiss his way downwards, letting out a curse as he flicked his tongue into her navel. “Oh, Gerard, why does that feel so good…”  
“Erin, you taste amazing, you have no idea…” Gerard kept kissing her stomach, moving steadily downwards until his tongue was swirling across the skin on her inner thighs and Erin was swearing quietly under her breath. “Is it OK if I-“  
“Do it, Gerard, just do it, I-“ She felt him start to kiss and lick her between her legs and screamed, drawing an angry thumping on the wall from the cabin next door. “SHUT UP, ASSHOLE, YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS I’M GETTING LAID AND YOU’RE NOT!” She swept her sweaty hair back off her face as Gerard somehow stifled a torrent of giggles. “Gerard, keep going, please, KEEP GOING…”  
“Oh, Christ, Erin, you are the most amazing girl alive…” Gerard grinned. “I love you so much…”  
Erin smacked the back of his head. “I love you too, but shut the fuck up, Gerard, just keep doing that, right there…”  
Gerard tried and failed to hide a smile. “OK, Erin, another deep breath…” Gerard slowly slipped a second finger inside her, and then a third, pushing them in and out of her as she thrust up against them. “Is that OK?” He could already feel excruciating tingles of pleasure rushing through him just from watching her, from feeling her body thrusting hard against his fingers and from the the taste of her in his mouth, and he barely held back a loud moan. Christ, I cannot come right now, that would be so fucking embarrassing, but JESUS, this is incredible, all I want is to be inside her, right now, RIGHT NOW…  
Erin nodded frantically. “Oh yes, Gerard, keep going, keep going, please, I love the feeling of your mouth and tongue on me, please…”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her between her legs, licking and stroking and rubbing as she moaned and cursed and thrust her hips upwards, slipping his fingers in and out of her, sucking gently on her and listened to her scream with pleasure. He started to kiss her again, pressing his lips harder and harder, pushing his tongue inside of her and tracing his fingertips around her inner thighs, and then he felt her start to push her hips hard against his mouth and had to force down the fresh powerful wave of pleasure spreading through him, gasping and cursing under his breath. She was breathing heavier and heavier, letting out quiet screams as her hands and toes wrinkled the sheets, before she shrieked his name as she came, her whole body shaking and her body collapsing on the bed. “Oh Jesus… oh Gerard… oh, you are so good at that, where did you learn to do that, what the hell even WAS that, oh my God, no one has EVER told me that was a thing you could do…”  
Gerard grinned. “So… ready for the real thing?” Thank God. Oh, thank God. And if you last less than 30 seconds, Gerard, this will be humiliating and shameful.  
“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I can’t wait…” Erin eagerly grabbed his hair and pulled him on top of her, and then hesitated. “Um, Gerard… should I be doing something now? Is this my bit? What am I meant to do?”  
He smiled. “This.” He carefully spread her legs and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close, and then slowly and gently pushed inside her, an intense rush of pleasure shooting through him, far, far more powerful than before. Oh. Oh, that feels good, so good… He heard her swear quietly and immediately grabbed her hand. “Erin, is that OK? Does that feel OK? I know your first time can be-“  
“Oh God, no, it feels wonderful, Gerard, you feel wonderful…” Erin kissed him passionately, lifting her hips. “God, I love you, I love you so, so much…”  
“I love you too, Erin, more than anything, and I swear I will never forget that you love me, if you never forget that I love you…“ Gerard was kissing her frantically, barely get the words out between kisses, a powerful, intense sensation of pleasure beginning to thrust through him as he fought the urge to push harder and harder. Gentle, Gerard, gentle, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve fantasised about this, how much you NEED this, it’s still only her first time… “Erin, your skin is so beautiful…” He started to kiss the side of her neck, clinging to her tightly. “I want to run my hands all over it, touch every inch of you…”  
“Gerard, oh Gerard, that feels so good…” Erin was breathing his name over and over in his ear, her nails tightening across his back. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…”  
“Erin, you are perfect, you are just perfect…” Gerard leaned down and kissed her, his tongue deep in her mouth as her hips pushed up against his, listening to her quiet gasps of pleasure as thrills shot through him. “Oh, Erin, we’ve only been together five months but I’m yours. I’m all yours, and I don’t deserve you, and I know I don’t deserve you, but if you’ll have me, I’ll be yours for as long as I live…” He buried his face in the side of her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair as the sensations of pleasure grew stronger and stronger, desperately fighting back the need to come as they intensified until it was almost painful. Hold on, Gerard. Think of unsexy things. Roadkill. Cabbage. Bread pudding. Maths. “Erin, you are so sexy, I swear…”  
“Gerard, five months or not… I cannot think of anyone I would rather spend the rest of my life with.” Erin smiled. “So… I guess I’m yours too.” She closed her eyes, a smile spreading across her face. “Oh Gerard, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this close to anyone in my life… it’s wonderful…”  
Gerard smiled softly, leaned down and kissed her gently, hugging her tight. “Not as wonderful as you.”  
“Charmer.” Erin smiled and stroked the side of his face, pulling him down by to kiss her as he finally began to move faster and harder. “Oh, OH, this feels so good…” She wrapped her legs around his hips, trying to pull him deeper and deeper inside her. “Harder, Gerard, harder, please…”  
“Christ, Erin, you’re amazing…” Gerard could barely catch his breath as he kissed her passionately, finally pushing harder and deeper inside her as she moaned loudly. Her breath was hot in his mouth as he kissed her, her legs tightening around his hips as they started to tremble.”Erin…”  
Erin’s head was thrown back into the pillows, her whole body pushing up against his as he wrapped his arms tightly around her and buried his face in the side of her neck, pulling her close and pressing every inch of himself against her. “Gerard, this is so… so good, oh, you have no idea…  
“Oh yes, yes I do, you feel fantastic, Erin, you’re incredible, you are, you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever known…” Gerard cradled the sides of her face in his hands, kissing her gently over and over and over as his fingers tangled in her hair. “Erin… Erin, I adore you…”  
“Gerard, oh, that feels amazing, I think I’m going to… I think I’m going to…” Erin’s eyes were unfocused, her body trembling as she clung to his back, her hands tightening into claws and her nails digging in and clawing deep, bloody marks into his skin. “Oh Gerard… oh… oh Gerard… oh, oh, oh GERARD-”  
Erin screamed his name at the top of her voice as she came, her body arching and contracting beneath his as he finally let go and came himself, an almost unbearably intense shock of pleasure slamming into his body as he sobbed her name and collapsed on top of her, his body shaking and his face nuzzled into the side of her neck.. “Oh… oh Erin… oh Erin…” He pulled her in close and kissed her gently, stroking her hair. “You are just… perfect.” He kissed her again and laid his forehead on hers, feeling her smile against his lips as she traced her fingertips down his cheek. “You’re perfect.”  
“I love you so much.” Erin hugged him close and kissed him, their legs still tangled together. “And that was… amazing. I never, ever knew it was like that. No one ever told me it was like that. I never even knew it COULD be like that.”  
Gerard looked at her and raised his eyebrows. “Well, NOW who’s the charmer?”  
Erin grinned and smacked his back gently. “Jerk.” She smiled. “I love you, Gerard.”  
Gerard smiled back and kissed her, running his tongue around the inside of her lips and feeling her quiver inside. “I love you too, Erin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Ireland, the age of majority is sixteen, not eighteen. Gerard is only 22, so he's legal to sleep with an 17 year old.


	11. 11

February 12, 1972

Gerard lay on his back and watched Erin sleep, snuggled up contentedly on his chest with one hand curled possessively around his shoulder and the other entwined with his own, his arms wrapped tightly around her back. He’d been awake and holding her since she’d fallen asleep over five hours before, curled up in a ball with her feet tangled up in his legs, just listening to her breathing softly. He had no idea what time it was, or how far away they were from Liverpool, but it was getting light outside, so they had to be close. The bedside clock had ended up on the floor at some point, and he didn’t want to risk moving his arm to look at his watch in case he woke her. A couple of hours before, she'd started muttering and frowning in her sleep, and he'd had to fight not to laugh as he watched her fondly, leaning in to kiss her gently on the forehead. He could feel her breasts rise and fall as she breathed, her breath soft against his skin and her eyelashes fluttering, and he ran his fingers through her red hair, finally unable to resist gently kissing along the light sprinkling of freckles across her nose and cheeks, He smiled, pressed his lips against her forehead, and then traced his thumb lightly along her lower lip, her lips parted and slightly pursed as she slept.  
“Mmmmm…” Erin smiled sleepily, her eyes still closed, and took his hand in hers, kissing the tip of every finger. “I love you…”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her forehead again, hugging her tighter. “I love you too.”  
She finally opened her eyes, smiling up at his face. “Last night was… amazing.” She started to kiss his neck and chest, flicking her tongue into his ear. “Thank you for making it so wonderful for me.”  
“Well, thank you for making it so wonderful for me.” Gerard kissed her, tracing his fingertips up and down her spine. “How do you feel? Are you OK?”  
“Yeah…” Erin shifted uncomfortably. “I’m… well, I’m a little sore, I guess…” She blushed slightly. “But don’t worry, I’m still definitely good to go at the hotel tonight. Hell, I wish we had time to go again now…” She gave him a wicked smile. “And tonight… I want you go as hard and as deep as you can, because that felt… INCREDIBLE. All I wanted was to feel you pushing hard against me, harder and harder and harder, feeling you moving deeper and deeper inside me…”  
Christ. Gerard’s eyes widened. “Wow… Erin, you are… wow…”  
“‘Wow’, huh?” Erin grinned and laid her head back on his chest. “That’s a lot for a girl to live up to…”  
Gerard wrapped his arms around her and kissed the the top of her head. “But you do. Every day.”  
“Smooth.” Erin snuggled deeper into him and looked mischievously up at him. “And I had an idea last night… a very INTERESTING idea… so I think I might try something new tonight… something I have a feeling you might enjoy…” She raised an eyebrow. “Something you might really, REALLY enjoy…”  
Christ. Gerard’s eyes widened and an instant bolt of pleasure shot through him. “Oh God, Erin, we are going to sprint to that hotel the second we arrive and I will bribe the hell out of that clerk for an early check-in…”  
“Mmmmm, SOMEONE’S excited…” Erin grinned lazily. “It’s just a shame I have to keep it a secret for now, isn’t it?”  
“Oh, Erin. ERIN.” Gerard stared at her, tingles of pleasure already spreading through him in anticipation. “Oh, Christ, you are so sexy, please, just give me a hint, ANYTHING…”  
“Nope.” Erin kissed him and cuddled back up to his side, smiling as he wrapped his arms back around her.  
He raised his eyebrows and looked at her. “You know, Erin, it’s only 6.12am. We probably DO have time to go again now… you know, if we’re quick…”  
Erin laughed. “You just want to know what I’m going to do later. Tough. You have to wait.”  
Damn it. Gerard put on his best innocent face. “No, I just meant we’d have to skip over some of the foreplay…” The EXCRUCIATING foreplay…  
Erin frowned. “What’s foreplay?”  
Gerard thought about it. How in the hell do I explain this? “Well, foreplay is like what I did last night, when I used my fingers and my mouth to- you know what, never mind. I just mean less carefully drawn-out touching before the ‘main event’.”  
“Ooh, and I do like the ‘main event’ part…” Erin smiled mischievously and kissed him, then leaned in and kissed his neck, flicking her tongue against the lobe of his ear and hearing Gerard whimper quietly. “So… quick or not… that DOES sound like fun…”  
“Oh, Erin, you’re perfect…” Gerard started to kiss her frantically as she grinned and pulled him back on top of her. “What the hell did I ever do to deserve you?”  
“You were you.” Erin smiled at him, stroking the side of his face. “And, frankly, you have an ass you could bounce a penny off. That helped too.”  
“Thank God for that…” Gerard started to scrabble blindly around on the bedside table, unwilling to stop kissing her for a second as tendrils of pleasure beginning to creep upwards through him. Oh, this feels so good, so good, so good… “Erin, where did I put the damn condoms…”  
Erin lowered her voice to a whisper. “You threw them on the floor when I started sliding the first one on you last night…” She kissed his cheek and slid her hand down, teasing him with the tips of her fingers. “When I slid it on really, REALLY slowly…”  
Gerard felt an almost paralysingly strong jolt of pleasure and almost fell over, silently cursing himself. DAMN YOU, PAST GERARD. He reluctantly climbed out of bed and hunted around the floor, flinging abandoned clothes everywhere and swearing loudly. “Ah ha!” He held up the strip and tore the top one open, scrambling back onto the bed and sliding it on as Erin laughed hysterically, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him in close. “Oh God, Gerard, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Gerard smiled and kissed her gently, slipping his hand down and starting to gently stroke and tease her with his fingertips and watching her flush, a smile on her face. “Does that feel good?”  
“Yes, Gerard, yes, it does, keep going…” Erin kissed him passionately, a shiver running through her as his fingers moved faster and faster. “Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard, that feels AMAZING…”  
Believe me, I know… Gerard was pushing down thrills of pleasure as he touched her, fighting off the urgent need to come when he heard her scream and felt her body jerk as he gently pushed a finger inside her. Gerard, control yourself. I don’t care if you woke up already good to go. I don’t care if this is your usual ‘private shower time’. This is Erin. ERIN. Hold your shit together. He buried his head in the side of Erin’s neck, just breathing her in and wanting to cling to her forever. He heard her sigh and felt her kiss his forehead, and suddenly he almost cried. God, I love her. I love her so much. Please, please let me stay with her, forever, please, let this mess somehow work out, I love her so much, I’ll do anything… “Erin…” He felt his voice catch and somehow managed to hold back tears, taking a deep breath. “I love you, Erin, I just… Oh God, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Erin was breathing hard, her voice hitching and catching as Gerard started to rub her hard with his thumb. “Gerard, oh, GERARD…”  
“Mmmm, does that feel good?” Gerard kissed her gently, cradling the side of her face and laying his forehead on hers.  
“Yes, oh yes, oh YES!” Erin felt him push a second finger inside of her and she began to lift her hips, thrusting her body up against his. “Yes, Gerard, oh, that feels WONDERFUL…”  
Yes, it does… Gerard bit his lip so hard that he could taste blood as she started to rub up frantically against him, heavy jolts of pleasure shooting through him. “Erin, Erin…” He moved his fingers faster and faster, feeling her muscles start to flutter and tense. “Oh, Erin…”  
“Gerard, oh, Gerard, I’m… oh God…” Erin threw her head back, barely able to breathe. “I’m… oh…”  
“I know, I know, I feel it…” Gerard kissed her harder and harder, pushing his fingers in as deep as he could and moaning quietly, thrills of pleasure racing stronger and stronger through him as he felt her fluttering and tensing, her body arching beneath his. “Erin, Erin, Erin…” He felt the slight, lingering tremor that he always felt right before Erin came and he pulled out his fingers and leaned in and kissed her passionately, stifling her scream as her body began to convulse violently, moving forward and pushing inside her to feel the contractions of her orgasm around him. He felt an immediate shock of pleasure race through him and almost came on the spot, barely fighting back the intense waves of pleasure thrusting up through him as Erin moaned and whimpered, grabbing at his back as he pushed deeper and deeper inside her. “Oh Christ, Erin…”  
“Gerard Gerard, that feels so good, every time you rub and push against me it’s like heaven…” Erin had a dazed smile on her face as she pulled him close, rubbing herself hard against him and moaning in a mixture of pleasure and relief. “Faster, Gerard, faster…”  
“Oh God, Erin…” Gerard wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her harder and harder as he moved faster and faster, Erin’s quiet moans turning into screams and her hips violently thrusting upwards as she clung to his back.  
“Christ, Gerard… Erin threw her head back as Gerard began to kiss her neck and chest, his hands tangled in her hair. “Oh, oh God, this feels so good, SO GOOD, tell me it’s good for you too…”  
“God, Erin, yes, it’s incredible…” Gerard could feel painfully intense jolts of pleasure shooting through him, the desperate need to come growing and growing no matter how hard he fought it. Grandma. Eggs. Spinach. Potatoes. “Erin, it’s so incredible, I can’t even begin to describe it to you…” He heard Erin let out a long, strangled moan that turned into a scream and almost lost control of himself, fighting it back at the last minute. You cannot come this soon, Gerard. You will be mocked and shamed. SHAMED. He took a breath and heard a quiet moan and stream of curses escape his mouth as he kissed her deeply, his tongue deep in her mouth and her hands tightening around her back as he started to feel her tense inside. “Erin, Erin, Erin, ERIN!”  
“Oh Gerard, oh God, oh God…” Erin’s body started to arch, increasingly intense flutters of pleasure spreading through her body. “…Gerard…”  
“Erin, oh, Erin…” Gerard could feel his body start to tense and prayed he could last at least another twenty seconds. “Erin, I love you so much…” He kissed her passionately, his hands on the side of her face and clinging to her as he felt her moan loudly, wrapping her whole body around his as she arched beneath him, contracting and shaking as she came with a loud scream. A second later Gerard finally came himself, a paralysing explosion of pleasure striking him hard in the stomach as his body jerked and he cried out her name, burying his face in her hair. “Erin…” He nuzzled up against her cheek, kissing the side of her face. “Erin…” He propped himself up on his elbows and smiled at her, looking into her eyes and kissing her over and over again, trailing his fingertips across her body. “Erin, I love you so, so much, sometimes I love you so much it’s almost unbearable, but it’s worth it, it’s always worth it…”  
“Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin cradled the sides of his face, looking softly up at him. “Gerard…” She held his body tightly against hers, her legs still tangled in his and a smile playing on her face as she tickled his thighs with her toes and felt him shiver. “I love you too, Gerard… more than anything in the world…”  
He looked down at her face and grinned. “Even more than a Mr Whippy ice cream with an extra flake?”  
“Even more than a Mr Whippy ice cream with an extra flake.” Erin smiled and kissed him again. “You’re… well, you’re the most important thing in my life.” She bit her lip, took his hand in hers and looked up at him, running her fingertips over his back. “Look, Gerard… I know it’s only been five months, and I don’t want to freak you out, but… this isn’t just a standard schoolkid romance, is it?”  
Gerard smiled back. “No, Erin, I don’t think it is.” And not just because I’ve never had such incredible orgasms in my entire life, not even that one time I had Frank dress as a priest and fucked him in the confessional after I locked the real priest in the toilet. Gerard pulled her in close and cradled her face in his hands, kissing her gently and stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. “I really, really don’t think it is.” He kissed her again. “Erin, all I want is to be with you forever, and I swear that’s not just a line. It’s you. It’s just you. You’re all I want, and you’re all I could ever want.” He smiled again. “Erin… this is a feeling I have waited for my whole life, and I have never felt it until now. Actually… I’d given up on it.” I waited seven years for this with Shona, and I never felt it once, not even a little bit. Once I thought I did, but it turned out it was just a bad hot dog. “I would die for you, Erin. You’re it for me. You’re just IT. Until I met you, I’d actually started to believe IT never existed, never had, and never would, but I…” He swallowed awkwardly. “I would give my life rather than be without you.”  
“I know.” Erin smiled against his lips as he kissed her again. “I feel the same about you.”  
Gerard kissed her forehead. “I love you.”  
Erin smiled at him. ”I love you too.” She hesitated for a second. “But… Gerard, I… there’s something else I have to tell you.” She bit her lip, and Gerard felt a deep sense of trepidation. Shit. Boyfriend. Angry husband. Venereal disease. Crabs. Pregnancy. Dad knows and is hunting me down. “We’re already talking decades ahead, and… and I know I want to marry you one day, and I think that maybe you want to marry me too, I HOPE that you want to marry me one day too, but…” She hesitated. “But before you get too involved with me, with my life, before you get absorbed into my family, I… I…” She took a deep breath. “My father, Eamon. You remember him. He was the man with the burn scars all up his arms that you met at Christmas. He’s… well, he’s not just ‘Eamon Kelly’, widower and father of one. He’s THE Eamon Kelly. He’s an IRA man. A big one. The… well, the main IRA man in Derry. I know you’ll have heard of him. Everyone in Derry has.” She looked at him, genuine fear in her eyes as he felt her arm tightening around his body and her fingers entwining further and almost painfully with his, silently begging him not to leave her. “Do you want to risk getting involved with that? Is that… does that put you off?”  
I already knew, and it’s how I persuaded the Army to let me get involved with you in the first place, but it was because I had to be with you, I had to, and it was the only way… Gerard felt a sick sense of guilt settle in his stomach, but he still found himself smiling reassuringly at her and stroking her hair. “No, Erin. No, it doesn’t. I love you, and you adore him. Hell, I loved him.” He really, truly HAD loved Erin’s IRA man father. It had turned out that a man he had believed was some kind of personification of evil was actually a really nice, kind, funny man. Gerard had gone home in a confused haze, hugely conflicted, and he’d had a lot of sleepless nights about it since.  
Erin smiled and kissed his chest. “He loved you too. You’re the first boyfriend I’ve ever had that he didn’t chase out of the house in the first hour.”  
“I’m flattered.” Gerard laughed. “And Erin… your family is your family. My baby brother’s a dick, but I still love him. Everyone has secrets.” Especially me. I’m the devil. “Erin, I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. I promise.”  
“Oh, Gerard…” Erin flung her arms around him, pressing every inch of herself against him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you…”  
Gerard laughed quietly. “Erin, don’t worry. It’s OK. I love you. That’s all that matters.”  
Erin grinned. “Remember the rule, Gerard: ‘I will never forget that you love me…’”  
“‘…if you never forget that I love you.’ I know.” Gerard smiled again. “But I’m still going to keep telling you so. All the time. Every single day, even when we’re both old and wrinkly and go to bingo every Wednesday. And you know what? You’ll still be just as beautiful to me then as you are now.”  
“Charmer.” Erin looked up into his eyes and smiled. “And I’ll always tell you I love you too. Every day.  
“I guess I can learn to live with that.” Gerard leaned in and whispered in her ear. “And yes, I do want to marry you one day, but… this is so not my proposal. This is not a proposal story I think we can tell our families and future kids about. EVER. For one thing, I’m still lying on top of you. Naked. And inside you.”  
“You are.” Erin grinned and kissed him. “And I LOVE it…”  
Gerard sighed. “And that, kids, is how your mother reacted when I proposed.” Fuck knows how I’m going to get around all this SAS shit, but I will. For you. I’d do anything just to be with you.  
“Shut up, Gerard.” Erin threw a pillow at him, knocking over the bedside clock again. “If you dare tell our kids that, I swear…”  
“My lips are sealed.” Gerard grinned. “I love you so much, Erin. I can’t imagine ever not loving you, not even for a second.”  
“I love you too. More than anything or anyone in the world.” Erin smiled up at him. “It’s just… my father is everything to me, he saved my life when I was three and then he took such fantastic care of me afterwards, and if you couldn’t accept him, EVERY part of him and his life, then, however much we loved each other… it’d never work.” She looked at him. “I’m so glad you understand…”  
“I do.” Gerard stroked her back. “I felt the same about my mother. She died when I was ten. Ovarian cancer. Monday 9 February, she was fine. Tuesday 10 February, she went to the doctor because she wasn’t feeling quite right. Wednesday 11 February, she sat me down after I got home from getting the crap beat out of me playing GAA football and told me she was going to die. Monday 20 April… she was dead. Just like that.” Gerard looked down. “The days and dates are burned into my brain. I remember the feeling of her hand on my shoulder when she told me she was sick, and that she was going to die, and I remember just crumbling into a sobbing, useless mess, and the feeling of her arms around me as she comforted me.” He shook his head in disgust, “I just couldn’t hold it together for her… not even a little bit…”  
“Gerard, you were only ten years old.” Erin stroked his cheek gently. “Any ten year old would react that way.”  
“I guess.” Gerard shrugged, but he still had tears in his eyes. “She’d pretty much raised us alone until then, so… it almost killed me to lose her. I needed my mother. I WORSHIPPED my mother. Plus… my dad was down as next of kin. I hated my dad, we both did, he’s a dick, and he hated us because we got in the way of his new bachelor life, so it was pretty much just me and my baby brother. He’s not that much younger, I guess, but he’ll always be my baby brother. It’s always sort of been us against the world, but he… uh… he stayed in Belfast with our, you know, aunt. I guess he wanted to stay with his friends. I… I miss him all the time. Every day.”  
“GERARD!” Erin hugged him tighter. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”  
“It…”Gerard shrugged, horribly aware his eyes were tearing up again. Double shit. “It just… well, it just never seemed like the right time.”  
“Gerard.” Erin kissed his chest. “You know you can tell me anything.”  
“I do.” Gerard smiled and kissed her forehead. “And you can tell me anything too. Honestly, Erin. There is nothing in this world that could stop me from loving you.” Although there’s plenty I’ve done that could stop you from loving me.


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The RUC man/house story actually happened, except both parents survived. However, they lost all of their children.

February 12, 1972

“It sucks we have to get back in the car and go home almost as soon as we get to Liverpool. We should have planned more than one night in a hotel…” Erin pouted and snuggled up to Gerard’s side. “Soon, it’s going to just be all sneaking around and going parking and-“  
“Well, at my house… my dad travels for work a lot, so usually it’s just me there.” Gerard grinned. “If you can find someone to cover for you, you can stay over pretty much as often as you like, because I have a double bed… with no one around to ask questions…” He smiled. “I love you, Erin. I’d do anything for you. Really.” He kissed her forehead. “Telling you about my mother, it… it was more intimate than our first time together was for me, although I know that sounds weird.”  
“I love you too, and no, Gerard, it doesn’t.” Erin stroked his cheek. “I understand exactly what you mean.”  
Gerard shook his head. “Erin, I… I’ve never told anyone about how I fell apart that day. Only my mother knew. My brother was at a sleepover for one of his friends’ birthdays, so… I had a day to pull it together.” He smiled softly. “I’ve never trusted anyone enough to tell them that before… not ever. My father, he was cold and he was awful, and frankly, I don’t think he ever loved me. I did the maths when I was eight, He married my mother because she was pregnant, not because he loved her. I… well, I ruined his life.” He looked away, swallowing back tears. “No wonder he ran away to London and left us behind.”  
“Well, I love you.” Erin kissed his cheek. “And no, Gerard, you didn’t. No child can ruin somebody’s life, and if he thinks you ruined his, it’s only because he’s awful. You’re a wonderful person. You’re sweet, and you’re kind, and you’re funny… and I’m so, so happy you were born.” She smiled at him.  
“I wasn’t. There were so many days when I wished so, so hard that I had never been born. I just didn’t want to be here.” Tears started to run down his face, and he stroked her cheek. “But now, since I met you… I’m glad I am.” He smiled, leaned in and kissed her deeply. “Erin, I love you so much. I always will. I promise.”  
“I love you too, Gerard, more than anything, and… and actually I…” Erin swallowed. “After you told me about your mother, I… actually I want to tell you about something myself. About my family.” She took a deep breath. “You know I was almost orphaned, and that I lost four of my sisters when I was a toddler. You’ve seen the burn marks on my father, and the shiny little white scars dotted around my skin from flaming embers, now that you’ve seen… well… all of me.” She blushed. “My mother… well, Gerard, my mother died when I was three. Before me and my father came to Derry, we used to live in a mixed neighbourhood, up on the Springfield Road in Belfast. I don’t remember much from when I was that young, just flashes of playing games with my four sisters and of my mother. I have one memory of my parents holding hands on the beach when we were on holidays in Bundoran, while my sisters and I paddled in the sea and built sandcastles. My dad says that the first time I paddled, my mother was holding me up by my hands because I was about 18 months old, and I was giggling and jumping up and down to make splashes. My father took pictures of that, and my grandparents have a copy of one. I have three pictures of me with my mother, and I think that’s my favourite. When we get back, I’ll show them to you. She was beautiful.” Erin smiled softly. “Our dog was losing his mind digging holes in the sand and trying to bury anything he could find… He was a golden retriever, and he was nuts. I just adored him, my dad says I used to curl up in the dog bed and go to sleep snuggled up to him, but… even though I’ve tried and tried, I I still can’t remember his name. He… he died too. His bed was in the kitchen at the back of the house, so he was probably still alive when the roof collapsed. They were all trying to save my mother and sisters, so… no one thought to take five seconds to unlatch his crate just 10ft away, and he couldn’t get out to save himself.” She managed to hold back a sob. “I can remember a picnic on Cavehill too… I sat in my mother’s lap and she cut my food into tiny pieces for me while my sisters ate little yellow cakes and ran around playing tag, and my mother yelled at them a bunch if times not to go too close to the edge. Another time, it was Christmas, and I had my teddy in my arms and one of my sisters was yelling with excitement because she got her first bike. I think it must have been Robyn, because she had just had her fifth birthday. She was born four days short of being a real Christmas baby. That… that was our last Christmas.” Erin’s voice caught in her throat for a second. “I… up until that night, I just remember those little bits of my early life, but… I will always remember that night like it was yesterday. An RUC man used to live next door, and he’d always park his car up right underneath me and my four older sisters’ bedroom. They had bunkbeds backing up onto the outer wall, and I remember that I was so jealous, because I was still in a toddler bed by the door because I was so small. I think my third birthday had only been something like two months earlier. My parents always thought it was so kind of the RUC man that he always parked up underneath our window, because they thought it was like a protective thing…” A dark look crossed her face. “Turns out that it was so if he ever had a bomb wired to his ignition planted overnight, he’d take us all with him when he went. He hated Catholics, hated US, and he still smiled and waved at us every damn day, as like a personal ‘fuck you’. His mates told my dad that when he turned up at the funeral of the RUC man to pay his respects, as a kind of thank-you for trying to protect our family for so long, and then they laughed like it was all a big joke. My dad stormed out then and there, and that’s when my dad decided to become an IRA man. He told me all that two years ago, when I asked him to tell me everything I didn’t know.”  
Erin swallowed, and Gerard could feel tears start to run onto his chest. “Anyway, so, one night… the RUC man must have been due to work the overnight shift, and that night there WAS a bomb on his ignition. He got into his car, turned the key, and the plastic explosives wired to the ignition inside the engine of the car exploded. It blew out the whole front wall and most of the first floor at the front of our house, and it sprayed petrol from the car’s fuel tank everywhere so there was a massive fire. It instantly destroyed our bedroom, and my sisters’ bunkbeds just disappeared. One second they were there and I was giggling with my sister Catherine, she was six, because we’d all just been put to bed for the night, and then there was a huge explosion, a burst of fire, a huge fireball, and suddenly the floor and the wall and the bunkbeds were gone, and there was fire roaring up through the hole in the floor, and part of the roof had collapsed down into it. I remember that I could see the stars where the ceiling used to be and my first thought was ‘Wow. Cool.’” My sisters were screaming and burning and dying only 8ft away from me and I was lying there thinking “Wow. Cool.” She wiped her eyes. “I could hear my sisters screaming underneath me because at least some of them were still alive down there, but when my mother heard them she thought they were still in our room. It was pitch black except for the light from the fire because the smoke was so thick, you couldn’t see a thing, and she ran through the bedroom door, the floor collapsed under her, and she just pitched forward and fell down into the fire. That… that was the last time I ever saw my mother.” Erin started to sob quietly and Gerard kissed the top of her head, stroking her hair.. “My dad was right behind her but he saw the floor catching alight and starting to give way under my bed, and so he grabbed me and my teddy, slapped out the patches of flame catching on my pyjamas, and somehow felt his way out of the house. He carried me in his arms across the street to our neighbours, the Donovans, and then he and the other men from the street ran in for my mother and sisters because everyone could hear them screaming. The other men had to stop my father from running right into the flames, he was so desperate. You probably saw all the shiny, melted-looking burn scars on his hands and arms at Christmas. He spent months getting those treated up at Altnagelvin Hospital here in Derry, but he never complained once. Actually… he barely spoke for months. Not at all.” She sniffed. “They threw so, so much water on that fire, and they managed to get some garden hoses going, but the fire was too intense to even get close, and… and… eventually, the screaming started to die down, and then slowly it trailed off and stopped. And then… there was nothing. I sat in Mrs Donovan’s arms and I silently listened to my mother and my sisters burn to death, clutching my teddy and sucking my thumb. It felt like just another night, even if I didn’t really know why I was outside. I didn’t feel a thing.” Erin began to cry harder and Gerard kissed her cheek, rubbing her back soothingly. “The other men dragged my father out of the house, and he was screaming and swearing and crying and the sleeves of his nightshirt were on fire, and a few minutes later the whole house just collapsed in on itself and everyone fell silent. All you could hear was the eerie wailing sound of the fire as it burned. A whole street of people in their nightgowns, standing there frozen on the spot, none of them making a sound. I’ll never forget that sound.”  
Erin looked away and started to pick at her fingernails. “Then I started to cry for my mother, and it was like a spell was broken. All the women hurried me inside the Donovans’ house and fussed over me, and all the men just fell on what used to be our house. Even when the fire brigade eventually got there, well after everyone who needed rescuing was already dead, the men kept going, tearing at the piles of tiles and bricks with their bare hands. During the night, more and more of the men who worked at the same shipyard my dad worked at came and joined in. There must have been over a hundred men there. Most of them tore off at least one fingernail. I guess it was all they could do, and they just needed to do something.” She was sobbing so hard she could barely talk and Gerard shifted his weight to hug her tighter, his arms wrapped closely around her back.  
Erin sniffed and wiped her eyes. “Some council workmen found my mother and my sisters the next day when they were starting to clear up what was left of the house.They actually ended up having to condemn the two terrace houses on either side of ours because the explosion undermined their structural integrity. A lot of the neighbour men and shipyard men were still there, digging frantically, and none of those men would let dad anywhere close. They all grabbed him and hustled him over into the Donovans’ kitchen, and then they kept him there until it was all over while he just cried and cried. That’s all I know, and that’s all I ever want to know.” Erin swallowed hard. “They’re buried in the Catholic half of City Cemetery in Belfast. I stayed in the Royal Victoria Hospital for two days for observation with smoke inhalation and mild burns, and then my dad took me home to Derry and we moved in next door to his parents on Marlborough Street.” She smiled tearfully at him. “I mean, yes, I miss my mother, and I wish I’d had her and my older sisters around for advice on makeup and hair and clothes and boys and… well…” She blushed. “For, you know, sex advice, especially since I met you, but my father has spent my whole life trying to be everything I need, and mostly, he’s done it. He’s dressed up as Santa every year, sewn endless school play and church play and dance recital costumes, gone to all my plays and recitals, washed my clothes and ironed every pleat in those school kilts on laundry day… and one time, when I was seven, he even quit drinking for six months and kept every penny he saved just so I could have the first communion dress I’d wanted from the moment I saw it in the window of a shop in Dublin the winter before. We still have it up in the attic because he refused to sell it, even though it was worth two months’ wages.” She smiled. “I have to live with my grandparents now, yeah, but my father has been everything to me, and he’ll always be a huge part of my life. I don’t think there’s anything we don’t share with each other.” She stretched up and kissed him. “I just wish your father was the same, Gerard. I’m sorry.”  
Gerard stared. “Thanks, I appreciate that, uh, but just to make sure-“  
“No, I did not tell him I was planning to have sex with you this weekend.” Erin grinned. “Only Caitlin knows that. She’s probably losing her mind back home wondering how it went.”  
“Oh, thank God.” Gerard laughed. “The last thing I need is one more man with a gun hunting me down…”  
“I know…” Erin snuggled up against him. “As far as my family is concerned, I’m saving myself for marriage.” She reached up and stroked his lower lip. “And as far as you’re concerned, you know I couldn’t wait that long.”  
Gerard grinned. “Yes. You made that very clear when you tore my clothes off last night.”  
“Hey, if you leave me a tasty little something right out there where I can see it, I’m going to go cut myself a slice…” Erin winked. “Especially when it’s not little at ALL…” She laughed. “We’ve been wondering about that for WEEKS. I felt like I’d won the lottery when I finally got your pants off. Oh, man, Caitlin’s going to LOVE that part. I actually told her I’d call from the hotel, so remind me to do that.”  
“She’s… what?!” Gerard’s eyes widened. “You’re going to talk about… um… everything? I mean, EVERYTHING?!”  
Erin shrugged. “Sure. Girls do. We’ll ALL talk about this when I get back to school on Monday… but I’ll only go into the really saucy details with Caitlin. She’s my best friend. She has been since we were five.” She kissed him. “Don’t worry, Gerard. You have nothing to worry about. 10/10. Top reviews.” She laughed. “All the girls will want you.”  
“Well, tough luck for them, because I’m all yours.” Gerard laughed and stroked her face, tucking a loose strand of red hair behind her ear and kissing her cheek. “So I can go back to school on Monday with my honour intact?”  
“Oh, DEFINITELY. Like I said… the girls at school will be swarming around you by the end of the week.” Erin raised an eyebrow at him. “Pending at least one successful encore later tonight, that is…”  
Shit. Gerard forced a smile. “Great!” Do not fuck up tonight, Gerard. DO NOT FUCK UP.  
“Mmmmm, I can’t wait…” Erin smiled sleepily and curled up on his chest again, running her fingertips over his skin. “You know… I feel the same as you did when you told me about me mother. I’d felt so much closer to you after last night, but I feel even closer now that you know everything. No one else does. No one. Not even Caitlin. I’ve just… well, it was the worst night of my life, and… it was mine. It was the most personal thing I had. I just didn’t trust anyone enough to share it. Now… I do.” She kissed him gently. “I love you so much, Gerard.”  
“Me too.” Gerard smiled and slipped one arm down to her waist, pulling her in close. “And I love you too. More than anything in the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Going parking" is Irish slang for "borrowing your partner's parents' car and parking up in some remote area to make out and/or bang it out.
> 
> Bundoran is a seaside town in Donegal and a favourite holiday destination for many Irish people.
> 
> Cavehill is a gorgeous hill/cliff overlooking County Down and County Antrim. Google "Cavehill Napoleon's Nose Belfast" and you'll see it right there.


	13. 13

February 12, 1972

“Christ, I can’t believe how much of an asshole that clerk was about checking us in early…” Gerard pulled Erin’s shirt over her head and grabbed her again, his arms tightening around her back. “If he’d held us up any longer I’d have beaten the crap out of him with that stupid ‘press for service’ bell…”  
“I know…” Erin was kissing Gerard frantically, her ivy and sunflower bouquet clutched in one hand and the other tangled in Gerard’s hair, a warm, beating pleasure already growing between her legs as she pushed him through the door of the room. “Jesus, Gerard, I am so turned on from listening to you whispering filth in my ear the whole way here, I was afraid I was going to come in the taxi…” She tossed the bouquet onto the dressing table and unbuttoned her jeans, letting them fall to the ground. “Now take off your damn pants before I rip them off you…”  
“I can’t believe he made us sign in as a newly married couple just to rent us a room with a double bed…” Gerard was rapidly shedding his clothes as he clung to Erin, pulling off her shirt and helping her wriggle out of her jeans as they stumbled towards the bed. “Oh, Erin, this is incredible…”  
“I know, I know…oh, and don’t forget to remind me to call Caitlin…” Erin climbed onto the bed, unhooked her bra, and tossed it onto the floor, pulling Gerard down on top of her. The steady pulsing pleasure was spreading upwards and intensifying as she kissed him, and she rubbed herself frantically up against him as she pushed down her panties and threw them on the floor. “Oh God, oh God, Gerard, touch me, touch me, please…”  
“Erin, you’re perfect… and yes, I will remind you to call Caitlin if you will just shut up about her for five minutes…” Gerard was kissing her deeply, one hand creeping between her legs and beginning to stroke and touch and knead her. “Erin, you have no idea how much I love it when I get to touch you…”  
“Yes, Gerard, I love it too…” Erin cursed under her breath, hugging him tight. “Oh my God, Gerard, it is so sexy how much you want me, I am so turned on right now…” She kissed him passionately, her tongue deep in his mouth and her hands grabbing at his back. “Oh Gerard, oh, that feels so good, keep going, keep going, don’t stop, please don’t stop, please…”  
Gerard laughed quietly and kissed her ear. “So… just so I’m sure, you definitely don’t want me to stop?”  
Erin smacked the back of his head. “Shut up, romance boy…” She felt him push a finger inside her and cried out, feeling his fingers move faster and faster. “Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard, more, I want more…” She heard him whispering her name over and over in her ear, his hand moving across her body and up into her hair, stroking the side of her face, before he slowly slid another finger inside her, pushing deeper and deeper into her. Erin screamed and started to push violently into his hand, the sensations of pleasure beating through her body becoming stronger and stronger as she thrust her hips up against his fingers. “Gerard, I love you, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Gerard was breathing hard, kissing the side of her neck as his arm tightened around her shoulders. “Erin…”  
Erin bit her lip, the feelings of pleasure pounding through her now, becoming almost unbearably intense, “Oh Jesus, Gerard…” She kissed him hard as she heard him gasping quietly beneath her own screams of pleasure, her body pushing up against his as heavy pulses began to overpower her. “Gerard…” Erin was beginning to tremble, and then he finally pushed a third finger inside her and she screamed so loud that her body arched, a heavy pounding euphoria of pleasure radiating though her as she began to feel flutters of contractions around his fingers. “Oh Gerard, oh Gerard…” She pulled him down to kiss her again, grabbing his hair hard, and she heard him let out a yelp of pain that trailed into into a long, shuddering moan of pleasure, feeling her body tremor with excitement. “Oh Gerard, please, oh, I’m so, SO close, more, MORE!”  
“Erin…” Gerard began to kiss the side of her neck, running his hand across her body and savouring the softness of her skin as jolts of pleasure raced through him, and then he was cradling the side of her face with his hand as she began to shake harder and harder, kissing her gently over and over and over. “Erin, oh Erin, I love you…”  
“Oh Gerard… Gerard, oh God…” Erin could feel the contractions around his fingers growing stronger and stronger as he thrust his fingers in and out of her, rubbing her gently with his thumb. “Gerard, oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, GERARD GERARD GERARD…” She clamped her arms around his back, crying out his name and pulling him close for a passionate kiss as she came powerfully against him, her body arching and convulsing as she kissed him hard, sliding her hands up his sides until they were tangled in his hair. “Oh Gerard… Gerard, I love you, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too.” Gerard stroked the sides of her face as he laid his forehead on hers. “Erin… you’re the love of my life. I want to be with you forever…”  
Erin smiled gently and kissed him, holding him close. “I want to be with you forever too.” She looked up at him, tracing her fingertips across his chest. “Gerard… promise me you’ll love me forever.”  
“Erin, I promise.” Gerard laughed quietly and started to kiss her over and over, cradling her face in his hands as he kissed her freckles and her forehead and the small mole above her lip, stroking the sides of her face and running his hands over her body as he kissed her neck and breasts. “You remember the rule… ‘I will never forget that you love me…’”  
“‘If you never forget that I love you.’ I know.” Erin kissed him. “I promise never to forget that you love me, Gerard.”  
“And I do. I do love you.” Gerard slid his hands into her hair. “And I promise never to forget that that you love me, Erin. Not ever. He pulled her face in close, her breath fluttering against his skin. “Erin, you are so beautiful, you are..” He leaned in and kissed her gently. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world…”  
Erin snorted. “I’m not.”  
Gerard stroked her face. “You are.”  
“Gerard, I’m not, and what happens if you realise that?” Erin bit her lip. “And… and what about when I get old and wrinkly? Will you still want me then?”  
“Erin. You are the most beautiful girl in the world, and there is no one else I would rather have here with me. You’re all I want. You’re all I’ll ever want.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her. “I mean it, Erin. You are. And, even in eighty years, when our greatest adventure in life is taking the bus to Altnagelvin for gout medication, you’ll still be the most beautiful girl in the world.” He smiled at her.  
Erin smiled. “I love you so much, Gerard.”  
“I love you too…” Gerard pulled her close and kissed her passionately, his hands in her hair. “I would, and will, do anything for you, no questions asked.” He stroked her cheek. “I promise.”  
“I don’t deserve you.” Erin kissed him, smiling against his lips, and then glanced downwards and gave him a wicked grin. “Oh… and I believe I might have mentioned trying out something new for you today?”  
“Oh…” Gerard feigned confusion. “Oh, yeah, right, you DID…” As if I haven’t been thinking about it since you mentioned it. I almost came in my pants every time the taxi went over a bump on the way here.  
“Yeah, nice try.” Erin gave him a look and took hold of his shoulders, rolling him over onto his back.  
Shit. Gerard blushed bright red.  
“Anyway…” Erin looked at his eyes, a mischievous smile spreading across her face. She smiled wickedly at him. “Prop yourself up on those pillows, Gerard, and watch this.”  
Gerard felt a thrill of excitement. “OK…”  
Erin raised an eyebrow at him as she knelt between his thighs, tracing her fingertips up and down and gently tickling the head, and Gerard let out a low whimper as tingles of pleasure began to spread through him. “I got the idea yesterday when I was putting on the condom…” She raised an eyebrow and reached down to her overnight bag, pulling out her makeup case. “You seemed to enjoy me rubbing it on… but I figured that without it, I’d need some lubricant so I didn’t accidentally give you the world’s worst Indian burn.” She grinned at him. “Sorry. All I have is raspberry-scented lip salve, so you’re going to be walking around smelling of fruit for a while…” She raised an eyebrow at him as Gerard’s eyes widened, the tingles intensifying into quivering jolts out of sheer anticipation. “Although if that’s a problem, I guess we could wait until-“  
“NO!” Gerard almost bolted upright. Jesus. Dude. Be cool. BE COOL. Gerard cleared his throat and put on his best fake-casual voice. “I mean, no. No, that should be fine. You know. I guess. Since I, you know, like fruit.”  
“Sure.” Erin barely hid a laugh. “So…” She looked up at him through her eyelashes, wrapping her hands around him and sliding her hands up and down slowly. “Does that feel good?”  
“Oh yes, oh Christ, Erin!” Gerard bit back a scream, hot bolts of pleasure racing through him as she moved her hands. “Erin, you’re a genius, oh my God…”  
Erin shrugged. “I do have an IQ of 179.” She gave him a devilish grin. “So… does this feel better?”  
She began to rotate her hands and Gerard cried out, his hips arching upwards as the intense jolts of pleasure filled his body, intensifying even more with every stroke. “Oh yes, oh ERIN, oh, I can’t believe you figured out how to make this even better, keep going, keep going, keep going, please, PLEASE DON’T STOP!”  
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Erin leaned over and kissed him passionately, and Gerard grabbed her hair, holding her in close.  
“I love you, Erin. I will always love you.” He looked into her eyes and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, a dazed expression spreading across his face as she touched him. “Oh Erin, I love you so much, so much, oh GOD!”  
“I love you too.” Erin kissed him gently, pulled away and knelt back down. “Oh Gerard… oh Gerard, I am so turned on right now…” She raised an eyebrow at him, her breath heavy and her cheeks flushed. “Are… oh God, Gerard… are you close?”  
“Yes, Erin, yes I-“ Gerard let out a long screaming moan as she began to move her hands firmly upwards, the pleasure intensifying until he felt like he was going to lose his mind. “Oh yes, oh Erin, oh yes,, oh yes…” Gerard’s head fell back, a slow, broad grin spreading across his mouth as it hung open, his eyes closed and his eyebrows slightly raised and tensed. “Yes, oh yes, OH, OH YES, OH YES ERIN JESUS!” He heard her moan his name, her cheeks flushing bright red, and suddenly came with a loud cry, grabbing himself away at the last second as a hot explosion of pleasure slammed into him, accidentally redecorating the wall. “Oh Erin… oh yes, oh yes, oh God…” He fell back on the bed and let out a low laugh. “Erin, you’re amazing…”  
“Thanks for the, uh, intervention.” Erin blushed bright red. “I… uh… didn’t really think the last part through…” She crawled on top of him, kissing him passionately. “I am so turned on right now, Gerard, please…” The pulsing warmth was getting stronger and stronger and she began to rub hard against him, moaning with pleasure and relief. “Oh, Gerard, I’m so turned on right now, I just want your hands on me right now, I NEED your hands on me, please, please, PLEASE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA…”  
A slow smile spread across Gerard’s face. “Oh, I think I do…” He started to kiss the side of her neck, running his fingertips up and down her spine, and then wrapped his arms around her back and rolled over so Erin was on her back. “Erin, you taste incredible…” He began to kiss her breasts, feeling her squirm beneath him. “Does that feel good?”  
Erin nodded frantically, hot beating pleasure radiating upwards, her hands on the side of his face as she kissed him. “Yes Gerard, yes it does, more, more…”  
Gerard smiled and began to kiss her chest, moving downwards and gently licking her inner thighs, sliding a finger inside her and rubbing her carefully with his thumb. “Oh, Erin…” He was already feeling fresh tingles of pleasure creep through him as he listened to her moan, heavy pulses of pleasure beating through her body. He carefully pushed another finger inside her and heard her cry out, thrusting her hips upwards as he began to kiss and lick her between her legs, slipping his tongue in and out of her and barely suppressing a moan as a fresh jolt of pleasure shot through him. “Erin, oh Erin, oh my God… Oh Erin, this is just…” He flicked his tongue against her thighs and then leaned in and sucked gently on her, a heavy shot of pleasure racing through him as he heard Erin scream, an electric shock of pleasure inside her exploding outwards. He cursed quietly and she felt a fresh wave of pleasure rush over her, and then he was rubbing her with his thumb again as he kissed her harder and harder, slipping his tongue in and out of her.  
“Oh yes…” Erin began to push her hips upwards against his mouth and fingers as hard as she could, letting out a loud screaming moan. “Gerard, Gerard, oh, oh, Gerard…” The beat between her legs had become a heavy pounding, flutters of almost overpowering pleasure beginning to contract around his fingers. Gerard tried and failed to suppress another moan and the flutters became more and more intense, Erin’s body beginning to arch as she gasped his name. “Oh Gerard, oh yes, oh yes, oh, Gerard…” Erin bit her lip, her body trembling as he thrust his fingers in and out of her, rubbing her faster and faster with his thumb. ““Yes, Gerard, yes…keep going, please, please don’t stop, right there, right there, please, PLEASE, just like that…” She kissed him hard, every muscle in her body tensing as he kissed her, and Gerard cried out, intense bolts of pleasure radiating through him. “Oh Gerard, oh God, oh Gerard, oh yes, oh yes, oh Gerard, Gerard…” Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, GERARD-“ Erin screamed loudly as she came, her body arching upwards and shaking beneath him as her muscles contracted violently and Gerard let out a long, shuddering cry. “Oh Gerard… oh Gerard…” She collapsed down onto the bed, blinking away a vague haziness in her eyes. “Gerard, that was… oh Christ, Gerard…”  
“Oh Erin, I love it when you come, I love to feel it when you come, when I feel the flutters and the jerks and the contractions as you come against me… oh God, it’s so hot, it’s so hot, Erin, I’m so turned on right now, I need you, I need you NOW, the condoms, where did we put the condoms, damn it, DAMN IT, THOSE DAMN CONDOMS…” Gerard was upending every bag, swearing loudly and frantically scrabbling through the contents. Yeah, Gerard. Way to be cool.  
Erin barely hid a laugh. “Top zip, black bag…” A huge grin spread across Erin’s face as he tore open a fresh condom, carefully rolling it on. “Oh God, Gerard, Gerard, please, now, I can’t wait…”  
“Neither can I…” Gerard leapt back onto the bed and climbed on top of her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. Erin let out a long sigh as he pushed slowly inside her, an intense bolt of pleasure shooting through him as he watched a smile spread slowly across her face. “Erin, I love you…”  
“I love you too…” Erin wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him close and pressing her body against him. “You feel wonderful, Gerard, I love feeling you inside me, oh, harder, please…”  
“Oh Erin…” Gerard began to push harder and harder, the pleasure inside him intensifying as he pushed deeper and deeper inside her and heard Erin moan loudly, her arms tightening around his back. “Erin, you feel amazing, you feel so amazing, tell me how good it feels…”  
“I, uh…” Erin took a deep breath. trying and failing not to blush. “I have… I have a deep beating warm feeling inside me, and it feels so good, so good, it makes me want to rub up against you so hard, for you to touch me, it just gets more intense every time you touch me, it’s excruciating…” She was kissing him frantically now, her hands grabbing at his back and his hands in her hair as she tried to catch her breath. “Deeper, please, Gerard, deeper, every time I feel you push against me it gets more and more intense and oh, oh my God, yes, just like that, just like that…” She wrapped her legs around his hips and rubbed herself urgently against him, moaning and gasping as Gerard desperately fought back the need to come.  
Hold on, Gerard, hold on, do not come this early or she will tell all your friends and they will LAUGH… Gerard bit his lip, pushing back intense waves of pleasure and having to fight harder and harder as he heard Erin whispering his name, finally able to give in to the need to push as hard and as deep as he desperately wanted to. Think of unsexy things. Paperwork. Mud. Indigestion. Cricket. “Erin, this feels so good, oh my God…” He felt her thrust her hips into his and cried out, fighting not to lose control of himself. “Erin, Erin, Erin…” He kissed her passionately, his hands tightening in her hair. “God, Erin, I love you, tell me how it feels…” Slugs. Boils. Crabs.  
“Oh yes, Gerard, it feels amazing, I feel… I feel amazing, euphoric, and every time I feel you an incredibly intense beating sensation pounds harder through my body, and I’m starting to get… to get flutters around you, oh my God, oh my God, oh, they feel so, so good…” Erin’s eyes were hazy, her whole body trembling around his.  
“I know, I feel them, I feel them…” Gerard buried his face in the side of her neck, kissing her and breathing in the scent of her hair and her skin. “Erin, oh, Erin…”  
“Gerard, they’re… oh, they’re so intense…” Erin grabbed his face and kissed him hard, her fingernails scratching at his cheeks. “GERARD…”  
“Erin…” Gerard kept kissing her as he felt her body push up against his, her body trembling. “Erin, Erin, Erin…”  
“I… I, oh God, oh Gerard…” Erin kissed him harder and harder, the flutters of pleasure growing more and more intense as she let out a loud, moaning cry. “Gerard, that feels… that feels…” Her eyes widened, her body arching and her legs clamping hard around his hips as she came, shuddering contractions of intense pleasure filling her body as she screamed his name.  
A second later Gerard felt a punch of overpowering pleasure hit him in the gut, knocking the breath out of him as he leaned in and kissed her passionately, still clutching at her hair. “Erin… Jesus, Erin…”  
“Gerard…” Erin pushed her sweaty hair off her face and smiled up at him, running her hands up and down his body. “Oh, that was incredible…”  
“Erin…” Gerard smiled and kissed her, his hair sticking up in a chaotic mess. “Erin, Erin, Erin…” He kissed her gently, stroking her cheek. “I love you, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too.” Erin slid her hand down to the back of his neck and pulled him in close, kissing him passionately. “I just want to stay like this forever…”  
“Me too.” Gerard ran his fingers through her hair.“I love lying like this with you… kissing you, and looking into your eyes, and touching your face…”  
Erin raised an eyebrow and glanced pointedly downwards. “I think you might be touching a bit more than my face, Gerard.”  
“Well, there is that too.” Gerard grinned. “But I think… I think this might be the most wonderful thing in the world, and I wish we could just lie here forever.” He kissed her forehead, sighed, and reluctantly pointed at the clock. “But we have an appointment with Dr Gould at Dr Gould & Partners Primary Care in an hour, and…” He sighed. “And I think both of us could do with a shower.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erin's IQ of 179 is not an unrealistic IQ. It is MY IQ. Do not be mean about it.
> 
> Dr Gould is my doctor. He's Catholic too, and a cool dude.


	14. Chapter 14

February 12, 1972

“That was one frightening taxi ride…” muttered Erin, shaking her head. “How many red lights did that guy run on the way here? And why the HELL did you pay him extra to do it?!”  
“Well, because otherwise we would have been late, and we would have missed the appointment we came all this way for because the surgery is closed after 12, and then we wouldn’t have been able to get the Pill, and we wouldn’t be able to go near each other for weeks until I could fabricate another excuse.” Gerard snuck a sideways glance at her. “And besides… the driver wouldn’t have had to race here if you hadn’t taken so long in the shower…”  
Erin raised an eyebrow at him. “And whose fault was it that I took so long in the shower?”  
“Mine.” Gerard looked like a child who had just been caught sneaking an extra cookie from his grandmother’s kitchen.  
Erin looked at him. “And?”  
“And, I was just sitting there on the bed, and I was only wearing a towel, and I knew you were six feet away, one unlocked door away, wearing nothing at all, soaping yourself up and rinsing it off, running your hands all over yourself, your skin all soft and white and perfect, and your long red hair soaking wet and clinging to your body… and then I started to think about the water streaming over every inch of you, every inch that I longed to cover in kisses, and I wanted to lick off every single drop of that water… and then all I could think of was my hands running over you, me kissing every inch of you, EVERY inch, having my mouth and my tongue and my fingers on you, all over you, and suddenly I had to have you, HAD TO, right there, right then, so…” Gerard looked at her innocently.  
Erin gave him a look. “So the only thing stopping you from having sex with me at any time is clothes.”  
Gerard shrugged. “Pretty much.”  
Erin sighed. “How romantic.”  
“Hey, it’s because you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.” Gerard put his arm around her shoulder and kissed her gently. “And because I love you.”  
“And it WAS an innovative use of the ‘high-power’ setting on the showerhead… and DEFINITELY one we should use again.” Erin smiled. “You have a power shower at your place, right?”  
“I definitely will as soon as we get home.” Gerard grinned. “Since you seemed to enjoy it so much…”  
“Oh Christ, yes, get one, the jets and your fingers both on me at once, I nearly collapsed I came so hard…” Erin was beginning to breathe harder and harder, her breath hitching and catching in her throat. “I think I might have actually blacked out a little that second time…”  
“I remember…” Gerard leaned in and kissed the side of her neck, whispering into her ear. “It was so hot, you were kissing me so hard and I had my hand wrapped around your waist as your knees gave way, bracing your body against mine, and your breasts were heaving against my chest as you gasped and I could feel you breathing hard into my mouth as your legs shook hard around my hand, listening to you crying out my name and almost sobbing with pleasure, I swear watching you nearly made me come myself…”  
Erin stared at him. “Gerard, I am so turned on right now, we’re getting back in that shower as soon as we get back to that hotel, oh God, I want you so much…”  
Gerard nodded frantically. “I want you too, Erin, all I want is to have you, I’d have you up against that wall if I have to, I want you to wrap your legs around my hips and I’ll push up into you as I brace you against the wall, faster and faster and faster, and you’ll bury your face in the side of my neck until you scream my name and kiss me so passionately I can hardly catch my breath…”  
“Oh yes, oh yes, I’d do that, I’d do that so fucking hard… and I’d be rubbing hard against you, Gerard, the feelings getting more and more and more intense as you push into me, harder and harder and harder until I shriek your name as I come…” Erin gave him a mischievous look, her breath hitching and catching in her throat. “Harder AND deeper, Gerard, I want you to really thrust into me, so hard my whole body jolts…”  
Gerard looked like his eyes were about to pop out of his head. “CHRIST, Erin…”  
“What can I say, I know what I like, and I like it when you touch me, when you push hard against me, oh God, Gerard, you feel so good, I feel so good, the pleasure just gets more and more intense and it just pounds through me until I scream…” Erin’s face and neck were flushed, her face almost as red as her hair. “Oh God, Gerard, I want you, I’m so turned on, I just want your hands and mouth on me, I want you inside me, oh Jesus…”  
“Yes, Erin, yes…” Gerard was breathing heavily. “I want you, I NEED you, Erin, I need to be inside you right now, to feel you come when I’m inside of you, feel you fluttering and tensing and contracting and shaking, crying out my name…”  
“I want that too, I want that too, but… this may not be the place.” Erin sighed and glanced around, her voice full of disappointment.  
Gerard felt a wave of crushing despair as he remembered where they were. “You’re right…”  
Erin raised an eyebrow. “Although…”  
Gerard immediately perked up again in more ways that one. “Although? ALTHOUGH?!”  
Erin grinned. “Well… we’re just going to have to get another taxi driven by a wannabe racecar driver back to the hotel, and I’ll slip my panties into my bag and straddle you in the backseat the whole way, and I’ll hitch up my skirt, unzip your pants, and then I’ll rub up against you over and over and over until I come just from the sensation, even through your underwear…” Erin leaned in, running her thumb slowly along his lower lip, leaning in for a long, deep kiss.  
“Jesus, Erin, I will give that driver all the money in the world…” Gerard’s voice was full of frantic longing. “Oh Erin, you’re incredible…”  
“I’m just hot for you right now…” Erin smiled wickedly, trailing her finger slowly from her lower lip and down her body, lifting her skirt so he saw her sliding it inside her panties, letting out a long sigh as she angled her hips and rubbed up against it. “SO hot for you, you have no idea…” She grinned, slipping her finger out of her panties and sliding it slowly into his mouth, listening to him whimper quietly and feeling a tingle rush through her. “And I love you too, Gerard.” She stroked the side of his face and looked at him fondly. “More than anything in the world.”  
“So, Mr and Mrs…” Dr Gould came in, glancing at his notes, and they quickly sprang apart as Erin discreetly wiped off her finger. “Devlin. Huh. Unusual name in England. You’re newlyweds and just moved here from Gravesend, huh?”  
“Yes sir, all the way from Kent. Right on the Thames estuary. Pocahontas is buried there. I know that. Because, you know, we lived there. Obviously.” Erin smiled brightly.  
“Uh huh.” Dr Gould raised an eyebrow. “Nice Irish accent. Devlin’s a very common name in the northwest of Ireland, you know. Let me guess, she has heavy, painful periods and needs the contraceptive pill, and because you travel a lot for work you need the maximum supply I can give you at once, which is six months’ worth?”  
“Um, yeah.” Gerard blushed bright red. “Pretty much.” He was suddenly horribly aware that he was suddenly sporting a pretty serious erection. Shit. Shit. He desperately willed it to go away, crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap. Go away. Go away. Come back later. I promise you’ll get some later. Just not now. Just go away. He desperately tried to think of unsexy things. Snails. Snails crawling in maggots. Snails in mud. Mud. Naked mud wrestling- NO! No, Gerard! He thought desperately for things that even he couldn’t make into something sexual. Uh… tennis! Cricket! Seasickness! Sumo wrestlers! Army court martial regulations! Contractual obligations! Swamps! Economic geography! He realised he was blushing and that made him turn even redder. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-  
“Gerard?…”  
“Gerard?…”  
“GERARD!”  
"Huh?!" Gerard jerked bolt upright and saw Erin and Dr Gould staring at him. “Uh, yeah?”  
"Gerard..." Dr Gould gave him a stern look. "Did you hear all that?"  
“Oh, uh, yeah.” Gerard tried to smile innocently, fake-casually shrugging off his jacket and folding it tightly in his lap. “Sorry. I was just up all night, you know, she’s just so beautiful when she sleeps, I couldn’t tear my eyes away for a second…” He tried a winning smile, and Erin’s eyes narrowed dangerously. Crap. He definitely wasn’t getting the cab ride of his dreams any more. Hell, he could feel his chances of getting laid at all today rapidly slipping away, power shower or not.  
“Uh huh.” Dr Gould looked doubtful as he scribbled a prescription and rolled his eyes. “Gerard, I’m going to repeat myself because it is important YOU understand it just as much as she does. Use barrier contraception until after she’s taken a full 28-pill sheet, read the enclosed leaflet before she starts taking it, don’t start taking the first sheet until day 1 of her next period, one pill a day every day at the same time every morning. If she gets any of the listed serious side effects, stop taking them and call me immediately. If she misses a pill, has an upset stomach, or has any interruptions in taking it, however short, barrier contraception again until she finishes the whole next sheet. If you can’t find any condoms, don’t risk it. Not even once. If you two ever suspect she might have become pregnant, she should stop taking it immediately and go to a local doctor in whichever town you’re ACTUALLY from for a pregnancy test. I’m guessing somewhere in or around Derry.” He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I’ve seen enough kids like you that I know all the local twangs, and it’s ALWAYS the same story… but I don’t mind. You’re being responsible. I wish more kids were as grown-up about sex as you are.” He sighed. “Anyway, when and if you do want to have children, all she has to do is stop taking her pills, because it has no lasting effect on fertility.” He smiled reassuringly. “Here.” He tore a sheet off his prescription pad and handed it to Gerard. “Pharmacy’s on the way out, and I’ll see you in six months. Careful you don’t miss the boat back to Belfast.” He eyed Gerard’s face. “Might want to get some antibac for those scratches on your cheeks too, kid. I hate to think what your back looks like.” He glanced at Erin. “I’ve dated a redhead before. Their reputation is… justified.”  
Gerard blushed even redder and fled with the prescription, praying that the pharmacy queue would be enough to make his ‘gentleman’s area’ behave itself and still carefully holding his jacket in front of his crotch, leaving Erin sitting with Dr Gould. “Sorry, he’s a bit shy.” She smiled awkwardly. “Thank you for helping us out. We can’t get contraceptives in Derry, so we had to hold off until Gerard could buy some condoms on the ferry from Belfast yesterday… and then we kind of went wild a little bit.” She went bright red, “Although, in our defence, we had been holding it in for five months, so everything was a bit frantic at first.”  
“I know. I saw the scratches on his face.” Dr Gould barely suppressed a laugh. “It’s my job, and it’s a shame when outdated doctrine prevents other doctors from doing it. I’m Catholic too, and I bet a lot of the doctors in Ireland wish they could prescribe, law or no law.” Dr Gould sighed. “Remember me if you ever DO move to Liverpool, because I’m registering you with me as your primary doctor here. You seem like sweet kids.” He scribbled down his name and the name of his practice and handed it to her. “And if any of your friends ever need the pill, send them to me. I bet they’d rather have a ten hour round trip on a crappy boat than a lifetime of unplanned parenthood.”  
“You’re cool.” Erin grinned. “Thanks. I thought this was going to be awkward as hell.”  
“Nope. You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last. Always the same story too, more or less, although at least you’d done your research.” Dr Gould looked up at her. “And, like I said, it’s better than the alternative.”  
“I know. I’m Catholic. I’ve been to enough ‘impulse’ weddings to know that. Gerard was actually one of those babies himself. He thinks he ruined his father’s life, and... well, I told him he didn’t, but… what I told him, I told him because I loved him. I adore him, I can't imagine existing in a world without him, but, well, he probably did seriously mess up his dad’s life plans.” Erin smiled sadly. “So… see you in six months?”  
“See you in six months. I’d give you more, Erin, but I need to keep checking up on you, just in case. Call me if you get any of the listed serious side effects, and if I think it’s serious enough, I’m sending you to A&E, and you should immediately stop taking it and come back to me for a different brand.” Dr Gould looked at her seriously. “And remember, barrier contraception until you take a whole sheet, and if you miss a pill, interrupt taking it, or get an upset tummy taking it, use barrier contraception again until after you finish another whole sheet. If you can’t find any condoms, don’t risk it. Not even once.”  
“Don’t worry. We’ll be able to find some.” Erin rolled her eyes. “He’s already declared he’s going to buy ‘all the condoms in Liverpool’, and when he says he’s going to do something, he’s almost never kidding. He even brought an empty suitcase with him, and it’s a monster-sized one. It’s almost as tall as I am…” She shook her head. “I’m just praying we don’t get stopped by customs. Can you imagine having to explain that? ‘Oh, yeah, the reason we have about ten thousand condoms is because we went to Liverpool to get the Pill and my horny boyfriend can’t just wait a month.’” She shrugged. “To be fair, they probably do get that a lot.”  
“Not surprised.” The doctor shrugged. “You’re a pretty girl, he’s 18, he clearly adores you. We’ve all been there.” He laughed. “Nice to meet you, Erin.”  
“It was nice to meet you too.” Erin opened the door and immediately saw Gerard paying for four huge piles of wholesale-size condom cartons stacked on the pharmacy counter, each pile almost a metre high and dwarfing her prescription bag and a extra large box of antibacterial swabs. The pharmacy assistant was still waist-deep in the stock cupboard, hunting for more condoms. “Yup. He’s definitely out for all the condoms in Liverpool. I think your pharmacy might need you to call in a new order from your supplier, because he just bought all yours.” She looked back at Dr Gould with a huge grin. “And even though he’s a bit of a dork… I adore him too.”  
“I know.” Dr Gould looked up from the ‘new patient’ record he was filling out for them. “I can tell. Look, Erin, I know you’re young, and everyone will tell you it’s puppy love, and it’ll pass. This isn’t medical, and not my business, and I know that, but… it’s not. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t sleep last night because he couldn’t bear to look away. You’re not wearing wedding rings, so whatever my dumbass receptionist believed, you’re not married… but you look at each other like you’ve spent your lives as two halves of the solution to a puzzle without ever knowing it, and that you just found the answer in each other.” He raised his eyebrows at her. “That’s rare. Most people never find that. Hang onto it. Don’t let it go, and cherish every minute you have together.” He grinned. “Even the embarrassing moments when he has an unwanted erection he’s desperately trying to hide and get rid of before anyone sees.”  
Erin burst out laughing. “You noticed that too, huh?” She shook her head. “One time, it happened when we were having dinner with my grandparents. He invented a special 20 minute long after-dinner prayer ‘for the return of visiting guests’ on the spot to avoid getting up from the table, and now my grandma makes us say it every time we have company.” Erin laughed. “Dr Gould… Gerard is the first thing I think of every morning, and the last thing I think of every night. Almost every thought I have is of him. I already cherish every moment we have together, and I always will. I won’t ever let it go. I promise.” Erin felt a fond smile spread across her face as she looked back at Gerard, who was now struggling to pack the huge stacks of condom cartons into as few bags as possible while still trying to hide the unwanted erection. “He’s awkward, and nerdy, and shy… and he’s the love of my life.” She paused, a soft smile on her face. “And I know that I’m the love of his.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Gravesend is that dull... but yeah, Dr Gould really is that nice.


	15. 15

“Dear Mikey,

You have no idea how long 10 hours is until you’ve spent the whole fucking time on a boat in the middle of a storm. At least on the way out I had, well, Erin… which was AMAZING, you have no idea. I thought I was in heaven, we had sex so many times on the boat and then at the hotel after, SO MANY TIMES, and… wow. Yeah. But on the way back, the sea was super rough, so I had to spend 10 hours making soothing noises and holding her hair back while she hunched over the toilet in the bathroom. It was NOT romantic.

I’m still so pissed you banged my ex. SO PISSED. I was going to MARRY that girl. I mean, I’m not NOW, obviously, not now that I’ve met Erin, but STILL. Not cool, dude. Not cool. Also not cool? IF YOU TELL ERIN I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS. BE WARNED.

Love, Gerard XOXO

PS: And if you really want to up your game with the ladies, buy a power shower.

——————

February 29, 1972

“Gerard and Erin are trying to hide that they’re arriving at school together. AGAIN.” Lisa Anne rolled her eyes. “They are SO having sex.”  
“Yup.” Caitlin took a bite of her apple. “They are. They have been for days. She told me so. I’d have told you guys sooner, but it’s a secret.” She stopped mid-bite. “Oh, CRAP!”  
“No!” Marie shook her head vehemently. “No, that’s impossible! Erin is saving herself, remember? She wears that little silver promise ring on her finger?”  
“Oh, she does, does she?” Lisa Anne raised an eyebrow, affecting an air of innocence. “And yet… I don’t see it on her finger right now. I wonder, Marie, where could that ring be?”  
“I told you, it’s on her fing-” Marie’s eyes widened. “No. No, it’s not. Oh my God, it’s not. It’s on a chain around Gerard’s neck, it… it has been for days…” She shook her head, looking scandalised. “I thought it was some weird Monaghan thing… he… he kisses it all the time…“  
“Yeah.” Lisa Anne snorted. “And I bet he probably kisses other stuff as well.”  
“Come on, the ring doesn’t mean anything.” Catherine crossed her arms. “He might just have it because he loves her, or that she’s promised to marry him one day and that she’ll save herself for him, or maybe it IS just a Monaghan thing-“  
“Oh, for the love of shite.” Lisa Anne rolled her eyes. “You are such a moron.”  
“Who’s a moron?” Erin shifted the weight of her schoolbag on her shoulder, hoping desperately that the nuns didn’t do one of their random “bag checks” today because she had a strip of forty-eight condoms hidden in one of the the pockets, Condoms had become a must-have school supply ever since she and Gerard had discovered that the outside lock on the GAA hut was broken, but smuggling them in was a bitch. On the one hand, you had to make sure there was a good supply there at all times… but on the other, she had no idea how she would explain the sheer number of condoms in her bag if one of the nuns found them on stock-up day.  
“Catherine is.” Lisa Anne laughed. “Good on you, Erin. Go GET that fine piece of Monaghan ass.”  
“Yeah, about that…” Erin blushed bright red. “I kind of already did…”  
“No shit.” Lisa Anne rolled her eyes. “I told you so, Marie.”  
“So…” All the girls leaned in eagerly. “What happened? Was it good? What was it like?”  
Erin cleared her throat.“Well, we got the boat to Liverpool a few days ago, to, you know, get the Pill…”  
“YOU USED THE PILL?!” Marie’s mouth fell open. “You can’t use the PILL! IT’S A SIN!”  
“Marie, I’ve thought about all the kinds of contraception and worked out which ones are sinful, and the Pill is fine.” Erin rolled her eyes. ”Anyway, Gerard, he, uh… well, he bought some condoms on the boat because I didn’t have the Pill yet-“  
“YOU USED CONDOMS?!” Marie looked horrified. “You can’t use CONDOMS! IT’S A SIN!”  
“JESUS!” Erin threw up her hands in exasperation. “Marie, are we going to do this every damn time? I’ve thought about all the kinds of contraception and worked out which ones are sinful, and the Pill is fine, and condoms are fine!” Erin gritted her teeth. “I’m going to Queens and Gerard is in the middle of starting a band, so a baby right now would be a disaster, and if we had waited until marriage, one or both of us would have dropped dead of sexual frustration. So, yes, we used condoms, and we have about a thousand more at his house. Get over it.”  
“And what happened then?” Jennifer’s eyes were wider than Erin had ever seen. “WHAT HAPPENED THEN?!”  
“Well…” Erin smiled a little. “He kind of did this thing with his fingers… he was kissing me, he’s such a good kisser, I got this wonderful warm feeling, and he had one hand down… well, ‘there’, and he kept touching and stroking and it felt so, so good, I got this warm, physical pleasure feeling, like being happy all over and inside me, and it got stronger and stronger and he started to push his fingers in, and rub with his thumb, and… and…” She grinned. “It turns out women CAN have orgasms.”  
“WHAT?” Caitlin’s mouth fell open. “We CAN? Really? Maggie O’Reilly wasn’t lying?!”  
“Nope, she wasn’t.” Erin tried and failed not to look smug. “And Gerard gives GOOD ones…”  
“Christ…” Lisa Anne was staring. “I can’t believe you had one…”  
Erin shrugged. “Well, he does play the piano, and the guitar, so his fingers are-“  
“That wasn’t what I meant by ‘can’t believe’.” Lisa Anne’s eyes narrowed. “You lucky bitch…”  
“What did it feel like?” Marie feigned nonchalance. “I mean, just out of interest, for the… um… sin tourism?”  
“‘Sin tourism’. Sure.” Erin rolled her eyes. “It feels… like… like a hot, spreading feeling of pleasure that just builds and builds and builds…” She frowned, thinking hard. “You know how when you feel happiness as an emotion, it’s like a thrill from your belly? This is from… somewhere else, and it’s a physical feeling, like… like an itch or an ache…” Erin bit her lip. “And it’s like these spreading, pounding pulses of pleasure coming from where he’s touching you, and they just get more and more intense, and suddenly you can’t catch your breath and you’re filled with euphoria and happiness, and then it’s like an explosion and all these waves of pleasure just cascade over you, REALLY powerfully, I mean, I think I might have blacked out a little one time, and you just feel every part of you shuddering and contracting with the force of it, and then you just feel kind of… peaceful, like a quiet contentment…” She smiled.  
“…Wow.” Anna shook her head.  
“Yeah. Wow.” Margaret was staring vaguely into space. “That… that sounds amazing.”  
Orla nodded frantically. “AMAZING.”  
“Yeah…” Erin raised an eyebrow. “And there’s more…”  
“REALLY?” Saoirse’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. “What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?”  
“Well…” Erin blushed. “He did this thing, you know, with his hands again, and… and he also used his, well… I don’t really know how to describe it.” She chewed her lip thoughtfully. “Uhh… like, something with his… well, his, you know, well, mouth…?”  
“His MOUTH?!” Lisa Anne looked horrified. “That’s… horrific! What did he DO with it?!”  
“I… I don’t know… but trust me, Lisa, it was NOT horrific,” Erin grinned. “I’d never heard of it, but he used his fingers and his tongue and his mouth, he kind of licked and sucked and pushed his fingers and his tongue inside me and it was AMAZING, it felt WONDERFUL, even better than the fingering thing did, WAY better…”  
“But… that’s not what your mouth is for.” Orla looked confused. “Why would anyone put their mouth there?”  
“I know.” Jennifer frowned. “I mean, how do you come up with something like that? Do you get lost in the dark when you’re trying to have normal sex?”  
“Well, we always leave the lights ON.” Erin smirked. “Maybe it’s an English thing… but DAMN, I felt like I was going to DIE it felt so good…” She shook her head. “We’ve done it over a dozen times since we got back and we are SO doing it again… I came for like the second time in ten minutes, and WAY harder-“  
“You came AGAIN?!” Catherine looked shocked. “Jesus, he must be some kind of sexual wizard-“  
“WHAT ABOUT THE SEX PART?!” Lisa Anne looked like she was about to lose her mind with anticipation. “TELL US ABOUT THE SEX PART!”  
“Wait, before we get onto that, are we counting the number of orgasms?” Caitlin looked confused. “Because I’ve got two right now. Does everyone else have two?  
“SHUT UP, CAITLIN!” Lisa threw her hands up in frustration. “ERIN, FOR GOD’S SAKE, GET TO THE DAMN SEX PART!”  
“Jeez, Lisa…” Erin absently started to fiddle with the St Gerard medal around her neck that that he had given her. “OK, so here’s the sex part.” She raised her eyebrows, and all the girls leaned in conspiratorially. “He’d brought me some flowers, some gorgeous flowers he’d picked himself, and I was so touched he’d remembered how much I loved trailing ivy and sunflowers.” She smiled to herself, still fiddling with her necklace. “He’d booked a double cabin for the night, but he said… he said he didn’t have any expectations of me.” She grinned. “And that’s when I shoved him on the bed and tore his clothes off.”  
Caitlin stared at her. “You WHAT?!”  
“Tore his clothes off.” Erin examined her fingernails. “Come on, I was crazy horny… but… but then I got all nervous, and… and I blurted out that it was my first time.”  
“Ouch.” Lisa Anne winced. “That must have been… awkward.”  
“Be quiet!” Aoife put her hand on Erin’s arm. “And what did he do then? Did it put him off? Did he start making excuses, or-”  
“No. He… he just told me we’d take it very, very slowly, and very, very carefully,” Erin smiled again, “And he did.”  
Dymphna shook her head. “Lucky cow. My first ignored me and just went at like a maniac. It was like having sex with a jackhammer.”  
“Urgh.” Catherine pulled a face. “Why would you even tell us that, Dymphna? Who would WANT to hear that? WHO WOULD WANT THAT IMAGE IN THEIR HEAD? I mean…” She managed to choke back a dry heave. “Just, URGH!”  
“AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T GOT TO THE SEX PART!” Lisa Anne was beside herself. “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE SEX PART?!”  
“Christ… OK, OK, I’ll skip to the sex part…” Erin shook her head. “Well, I still had no idea what I was doing, I mean, I don’t have a mother to ask and I’m sure as hell not asking my grandma or my dad, so… when he was done with all the other stuff, and he was clearly ready for the real thing, I was just completely lost about what I was meant to do, so… I asked him if this was my bit, and what was I meant to do, and he just said ‘this’ and he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close, and he held my hand, and then he really slowly pushed inside me…”  
“Awwwwww…” Saoirse sighed wistfully. “That’s so-“  
“Huh?” Marie frowned. “Pushed what?”  
“MARIE!” Lisa Anne finally lost her temper. “YOU HAVE SEVEN BROTHERS AND FOUR SISTERS! YOU SHARED BATHS UNTIL THE OLDEST OF YOU WAS FOURTEEN! USE YOUR IMAGINATION!”  
“Wow…” Aoife shook her head. “That sounds amazing.” She paused. “The sex thing, I mean. Not the weird incestuous bathing. That just sounds WEIRD.”  
“Yeah, that bathing thing is fucked up.” Catherine shuddered. “You’re so going to need a psychiatrist one day, Marie.”  
“It’s to save hot water, OK?” Marie snapped. “It’s expensive for my parents raising this many kids!”  
“A useful example of one of many reasons why Gerard and I use contraception.” Erin gave her a look. “None of our children will be forced the share baths into their teens, Marie, and do you know why? CONDOMS.”  
“How the hell did we get on to Marie’s weird-ass shared baths?!” Lisa Anne rolled her eyes impatiently. “For the love of CHRIST, Erin, KEEP GOING!”  
“Damn straight. We need details.” Briege raised an eyebrow at Erin. “Size?”  
Margaret made a face. “Briege, that’s really crude.”  
“What?” Briege gave Erin an innocent look. “It was a fair question!”  
“Zip it, Briege.” Erin glared. “I am not going to tell you how large my boyfriend’s junk is.”  
“Well, just give us a hint.” Caitlin raised her eyebrows. “Fun size, snack pack, regular size, extra bite?”  
Erin raised an eyebrow. “Extra bite.”  
Briege’s eyes widened. “So what are we talking, 7 inches, 8 inches…”  
“Come on.” Erin gave her a look. “You’ve seen those tight jeans he wears…” A smile flickered across her face. “And what they do and do NOT hide…”  
“You mean…” Anna stared at her. “What, he doesn’t PAD those things?! I thought he at least had a sock or two down there!””  
“Nope.” Erin grinned. “Not even a little bit.”  
“TO HELL WITH THE DETAILS, WE’LL GET TO THOSE LATER! JUST SHUT UP AND LET HER FINISH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WE FINALLY GOT TO THE SEX PART!” Lisa Anne looked like she was about to lose her mind. “So, what happened next? And… was he any good?”  
“Yeah, he was. Definitely. Really, REALLY good…” Erin smiled. “He started out gentle, he put his arms around me and just moved really slowly until I got used to it, and then he went faster and faster once I started… well, moaning… and then that pleasure feeling started to grow, and then I had this desperate URGE to have him go harder and harder…” Erin’s breathing was getting heavier and heavier, a red flush spreading across her skin. “And so I just YELLED at him, I BEGGED him, HARDER. Gerard, HARDER, and I was clawing at his back and pushing myself up against him, and he was breathing heavily and saying my name over and over, and this pleasure was just pounding through me, and every thrust pushed up against me and it felt so good, SO GOOD…” She trailed off, gasping for breath, her face was flushed and sweaty and her fringe sticking to her forehead. “So…uh, yeah.” Erin smiled breathlessly. “Good.”  
All the girls were staring at her in silence with their mouths wide open, Margaret’s cigarette hanging from her lower lip.  
Orla cleared her throat. “Uh… whoa.”  
“Yeah, Erin, that was…um…” Caitlin shifted uncomfortably. “Intense.”  
“And… Erin broke into a wistful smile. “And the whole time he told me how much he loved me, and how much he’d always love me, he just couldn’t stop telling me, and he told me that nothing was as wonderful as me, that I was the most amazing girl he’d ever known, and that he didn’t deserve me, but that if I’d have him he’d be mine for as long as we lived, and… I’ve never felt so close to anyone in my whole life. It was so special, it was just incredible…”  
“Oh…” All the other girls sighed longingly. “That sounds amazing… oh Erin, you’re so lucky…”  
“And the whole time he just kept kissing me really passionately, saying he’d never felt so close to anyone in his life either, and hugging me tight, and…” Erin gave them a wicked look. “And then I had another orgasm.”  
“WHAT?!” Marie’s mouth fell open. “How? Three in one go? THREE?”  
“Yup. He’s THAT good.” Erin smirked. “And the he came like a second later, and he kind of sobbed my name into my ear and buried his face in the side of my neck saying my name over and over and over, and telling me I was perfect… and then he just lay on top of me, hugging me and telling me he loved me, until I finally fell asleep…” She smiled. “And then he just lay awake with his arm around me for hours…”  
“Awww…” All the girls sighed. “That’s so romantic…”  
“Yeah.” Erin smiled longingly.

“Dude.” Dean poked Gerard in the ribs. “DUDE. Have you noticed that all the girls are kind of whispering with Erin?”  
Yes. Gerard shifted awkwardly. “No.”  
“They are so talking about you two banging it out.” Seanna laughed.  
Gerard stared at his feet. “No they’re not.”  
“You did, though.” Ciaran smirked. “Bang song, everyone?”  
“They’re not.” Gerard blushed bright red. “NO BANG SONG.”  
“Sure.” Dean grinned. “But you did.”  
“And I love the bang song.” Ciaran sounded hurt. “Especially since you totally BANGED IT RIGHT ON OUT.”  
“He did. He banged it right out.” Johnny nodded decisively. “Anyone other than Ciaran want to sing the bang song? Dean? Seanna? Did you want to join in for a verse, Gerard?”  
“THERE WILL BE NO SINGING OF THE BANG SONG.” Gerard gave him a look. “And I didn’t say that. Not even a little bit. At no point was any banging mentioned.”  
Seanna raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, but you did.”  
“Nope.” Gerard started to examine his fingernails.  
“Yeah, he did.” Ciaran laughed. “He SO did.”  
“Yeah.” Dean grinned. “He looks WAY too pleased with himself.”  
“Come on, dude.” Ciaran rolled his eyes. “How’d you do it? Where’d you do it? Where’d she let you put it? How many times’d you do it? COME ON! IT’S ERIN KELLY! AT LEAST TELL US HOW MANY TIMES!”  
“Sorry.” Gerard crossed his arms, horribly aware that he was blushing furiously. “No idea what you’re talking about.”  
“Yeah.” Ciaran rolled his eyes. “But you did.” He looked around. “I say we sing the bang song.”  
“GUYS.” Gerard took a step forward. “I swear to God, IF YOU START SINGING THE BANG SONG-“  
“Dude.” Seanna elbowed Gerard in the ribs.“The girls are kind of looking you up and down and staring now. What’s she telling them? You packing serious ammunition down there?”  
Gerard shifted awkwardly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“Yeah you do.” Eamon smirked at him. “What we talking, Walther or Armalite or Browning .50 cal or SAM standard here?”  
“Wait.” Seanna was still watching the girls. “Now they’re giggling. Dude, if they’re giggling, you got to either be packing something serious or have some weird-ass deformity down there, so which is it? Elephant Man or elephant dick?”  
“No. You must be imagining it.” Gerard could feel Erin’s hand curl possessively around his as she appeared beside him and he kissed her cheek, squeezing her hand soothingly. “I mean, why would they be giggling about me?”  
Eamon grinned. “Yeah, ROMANCE BOY, why would they?”  
“Damn it, Caitlin…” Gerard muttered a stream of curses under his breath, shaking his head. “Erin, that is officially the last time you call ANYONE from our hotel room. ANYONE. EVER.”  
“Yeah?” Erin took a drag on her cigarette and raised an eyebrow. “Wanna bet?”  
“I… no.” Gerard hung his head. “You win.”  
“Awwww…” Erin hugged him close and laid her head on his shoulder. “You know I love you…”  
“Hey Erin?” Dean held up his hand. “Was he any good? What’s he packing?  
“10/10, Top reviews.” Erin smiled and hugged him close, pressing her entire body against his. “I love you.”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her passionately, his hands on her waist. “I love you too.”  
“Christ.” Seanna made loud retching sounds. “You two are nauseating.”  
“Shut up.” Erin gave him a dirty look. “We’re adorable.”  
Gerard kissed her forehead and hugged her tighter. “Ignore them. They’re just jealous they don’t have gorgeous redheads.” He ran his fingers through her hair, cradling her face in his hands. “And you’re all mine…”  
“I am…” Erin grinned. “And Gerard, while I’m here, I was talking to the other girls, and it got me really… well, I was wondering if…” She leaned in and whispered in his ear, Gerard’s eyes widening. “So…” She looked at him, biting her lip. “What do you think?”  
“Sorry guys, been fun, got to go.” Gerard grabbed Erin’s hand, racing towards the GAA hut and unbuckling his belt as he ran.  
Ciaran shook his head. “Lucky bastard.”


	16. 16

Dear Mikey

I feel so bad. I want to marry Erin some day, I know that, and I have this MASSIVE thing I haven’t told her, and I just feel like… well, like scum. Total scum. How can I expect the kind of trust that comes with marriage and yet keep this from her?

I can’t. I have to tell her, Mikes. I’m going to tell her. Even if she leaves me, she has to know.

Wish me luck.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

March 14, 1972

Gerard woke up before Erin again and smiled, pulling her close as she snuggled up to him in his bed and watching her sleep. He loved the way the early light highlighted the golden sheen in her hair, her eyelashes fluttering slightly as she breathed. He stroked her hair and took her hand in his, kissing her forehead gently. “I love you, Erin.”  
“Mmmmnnn, I love you too.” Erin laid her head on his shoulder, stroking his chest with her fingertips. “But… Gerard. Gerard, I need to know something. Now.”  
Gerard swallowed nervously. “OK?”  
“I… Gerard…” Erin took a deep breath. “Do you love me? Really, really love me?”  
“ERIN!” Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Of course I love you, Erin, I love you more than anything-”  
“Stop.” Erin chewed on her lip and buried her face in the side of his neck, and suddenly he felt tears against his skin. “Gerard, please. Promise me. Promise me you really, honestly love me.”  
“What?!” Gerard pulled away and stared at her in shock. “Erin, of course I do… of course I love you, I always will, you know that…”  
“How?” Erin looked blankly up at him. “How do I know that?”  
“Because I do. I worship you.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her. “I can’t believe you could ever, EVER believe that I don’t love you, Erin, because you’re the love of my life. Almost every thought I have is of you. We’re in a fancy hotel room right now because I faked papers for an overnight to Belfast. Hell, my grades at school have dropped so far my teachers are sending letters home…” He stroked her cheek affectionately. “What’s upset you so much?”  
“Well, Gerard, I… you know what, forget it.” Erin looked down and drew her knees up under her chin, hugging her legs against her chest. “It’s stupid.”  
“Erin, I love you, and if it upset you, it’s not stupid.” Gerard held his finger under her chin and gently tilted her face back up to his. “Erin. Tell me. What is it?”  
“Well, it’s… it’s…” Erin blushed bright red. “It’s about your ex.”  
“My EX?!” Gerard looked shocked. “Jesus, Erin, since when did you give a shit about her? Why are you suddenly worried about my ex?”  
“It’s… it’s just…” Erin shifted awkwardly. “OK, so, I already knew you’d done… well, that I wasn’t your first, and that you lost your virginity to the girl you were with before you met me, and I thought I was OK with that. I really, REALLY thought I was OK with that… but… but then… Gerard, Caitlin said something earlier, when we were talking on the phone.”  
“Erin…” Gerard sighed. “Caitlin is not the genius you seem to think she is. I once saw her apologise to a step she tripped over.”  
“Oh, for…” Erin rolled her eyes. “For God’s sake, Gerard, grow up. This isn’t ABOUT Caitlin, it’s about something she SAID.”  
“I… what?” Gerard was completely baffled. “Is this some kind of girl code I don’t know about?”  
“Well…” Erin looked at him. “It’s about you, and me, and… when you’re, well, WITH me…” Erin turned even redder. “Caitlin, she… at first, she assumed I was your first as well as your being mine, and that you were some kind of sexual magician.” She paused. “Actually, ALL the girls think that…”  
“Is that why they keep calling me ‘Romance Boy’?” Gerard gave her a look. “Because that’s not just a terrible superhero name, it isn’t the compliment you all think it is. For one thing, the other boys keep laughing at me.” He smiled. “You know, except when they’re begging for hints and suggestions.”  
Erin shook her head. “Nope. Sorry. That’s on me. I told Caitlin once that you’re always bringing me flowers and making me mixtapes of songs you think I’ll like and taking me out for nice dinners, rather than doing what most guys do and offering to split a bag of a chips… and that rather than just taking me out parking or into the alley behind the pub, you always take me home to your bed or to hotels. She thought that was adorable, and so she told Lisa Anne about it, and Lisa Anne told Jennifer, and she told Aoife, and she told Margaret, and she told Orla, and she told Hannah, and she told Bernadette, and she told Christine, and she told Danielle, and she told Maria, and she told her cousin Catherine, and of course all of them told their cousins and brothers and sisters and… well, yeah, now everyone knows, and they all call you as Romance Boy.” Erin shrugged. “Anyway, so when Caitlin brought it up earlier on the phone, she said she still couldn’t believe you knew so much straight out of the trap, and without thinking I replied that no, I was your second, so you already sort of knew what you were doing, and then there was this… silence.”  
“A… silence?” Gerard was still confused. “And this silence was girl code for…”  
“Idiot.” Erin rolled her eyes. “Gerard, come on. The silence was neither of us wanting to be the first one to say ‘of course he’s comparing you to her in bed’ even though we were obviously both thinking it!”  
“… um… are you sure?” Gerard raised his eyebrows. “Because Caitlin might just have forgotten she was using the phone again and hung up.”  
“Oh, for the love of…” Erin threw her arms up in the air in exasperation. “GERARD, YOU DON’T GET IT! EVEN IF SHE DID HANG UP, WHICH I WILL REMIND YOU HAS ONLY HAPPENED ONCE, AND EVEN IF SHE WASN’T THINKING IT, I WAS STILL THINKING IT!”  
“Oh.” Gerard blinked. “OK.”  
Erin bit her lip. “So… do you?”  
Gerard shrugged. “Sure.”  
Erin felt her stomach turn over. “And… and is it… Gerard, when you’re with me, is it… well, is it ever like the way it was when you were with… HER?”  
Gerard didn’t hesitate for a second. “No. Never. He smiled. “And yes, In a good way. A WONDERFUL way.” He wrapped his arms around her back, kissing her forehead. “Erin. Yes, she was my first, and yes, everything I know came from us experimenting together because, until you, she was the only girl I’d ever been with, but Erin… what I did with her… I didn’t know it then, but it was just sex. And, in retrospect, pretty shitty sex.”  
“Then…” Tears started to run down Erin’s face. “Then why do you never talk about her? Do you… do you still love her?”  
“CHRIST, no.” Gerard kissed her and started to stroke her hair soothingly. “I love YOU, Erin. You and ONLY you. Forever.” He smiled.  
“And is she…” Erin cleared her throat. “Is she prettier than me?”  
Gerard raised his eyebrows. “Are you kidding? You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and you always will be. All that long red hair, and green eyes, and your pale skin with all those gorgeous freckles across your nose and cheeks…” He wrapped his arms around her and slowly coaxed her into lying down next to him again, taking her hand in his. “There’s no need to be jealous, Erin, honestly. It’s you I want. YOU. You’re just… you’re IT.” He squeezed her hand. “I don’t mention her because she doesn’t matter to me any more, not because I’m trying to hide something, or because I still have feelings for her. She’s just… irrelevant. She has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with us, and I didn’t think you’d care.”  
“So…” Erin looked at him nervously. “So it’s not that you love her more than you love me?”  
“Impossible.” Gerard kissed her forehead. “Would you feel better if I tell you about her? Maybe take away some of her mystery?””  
Erin hesitated for a second, and then nodded decisively. “Yes. But the good stuff too, not just the things that bugged you. EVERYTHING.”  
“OK.” Gerard took a deep breath and wrapped his arm around her. “Erin… her name is Shona. She’s a year younger than me. We were together a long time after we met at school, and for a while we thought we were going to get married… until we broke up late last summer. She’s about your height, but with blonde, wavy hair that’s cut a little shorter than yours, and she has darker eyes. I hated her hair, it looked fake in a bad way and I always thought it would look really cool if she dyed it something like crimson or purple. That would have looked amazing, and she’s super creative, so it would suit her personality too. She’s working at a pharmacy in Nottingham right now while she tries to make it as an artist, and she has a really cool dog.” He paused. “Oh, and she likes proper rock music. I think half the reason she wanted me was my long hair.”  
Erin grinned. “The other half being your perfect ass?”  
“Well, yeah.” Gerard shrugged again. “Obviously.”  
Erin burst out laughing. “I love you, Gerard.”  
“I love you too, Erin.” Gerard hugged her tighter. “Erin… what I do with you, what I have always done with you, is the real thing. The REAL thing. When I look at you, that’s what I think about… about how close to you I feel when we’re together. That closeness… I’ve never felt it with anyone before, and I don’t think I ever could. All I think about when I see you, even across the field, is how it feels to be that close to you.”  
“I see… um…” Erin smiled a little, blushing so red her skin almost matched her hair. “I… I, well, I imagine the way your mouth hangs slightly open in a dazed grin, your eyes fluttering shut and your eyebrows raised and sort of tensed together, the way you do when… you know.” She blushed and looked at him nervously. “Does that weird you out?”  
“Actually, no.” Gerard broke into a wide smile. “Believe it or not, I actually find it sort of cute.” Even if I’ll never be able to go out for a smoke again without getting a massive erection.  
Erin broke into a shy smile. “You do?”  
“I do…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her. “Actually, I’m wondering if we have long enough before we have to check out…”  
“I think we always have long enough before we have to check out…” Erin grabbed Gerard’s shirt and pulled it off, wrapping her arms around his back as he frantically kissed her neck. ““I mean, it’s just like an orgasm, really, better late than never…”  
Gerard nearly choked. “I… I guess?”  
“Mmmm, Gerard…” Erin pulled off her panties from under her nightdress and dropped them on the floor. “Gerard, you taste so good…”  
“Oh, so do you, so do you…” Gerard started to slowly ease off her nightdress, kissing her skin gently as he slipped it off over her head, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her more and more passionately. “Do I get my drawn-out romance this time?”  
“Well, I suppose we can afford the penalty fee this time, Romance Boy-“ Erin’s voice caught in her throat as she felt him starting to touch her, carefully stroking and fingering. “JESUS, Gerard, you are getting so good at that, SO GOOD…”  
“Well, I’ve had a lot of practice…” She felt him smile against her lips. “You know, Erin, if I start to drive to school, we can go there at lunch to make out… you know, when we’re not doing other things in the GAA hut…”  
“Oh yes, oh yes, oh let’s DO THAT!” Erin kissed him more and more passionately, whimpering with pleasure as she rolled onto her back, pulling him on top of her. “More, Gerard, please, this feels amazing…” She felt him start to move his fingers faster and cried out, then screamed his name as he pushed a finger inside her. “Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard…” She started to lift her hips, rubbing herself frantically against his body and moaning with a mixture of relief and pleasure. “Oh God, oh Gerard, please…”  
“Erin…” He leaned down, pushing another finger deep inside her and starting to rub her with his thumb, hearing her gasping into his ear. “Erin, I love you…”  
“I love you too, I love you too, I - OH GERARD!” Erin’s fingers clenched as he started to make a beckoning motion with his fingers. “That feels… that feels… oh WOW…”  
“Erin, this feels incredible…” Gerard was trying to force back huge jolts of pleasure at the sensation of Erin’s breath on his neck and her hands in his hair. “Oh, I love it when I get to touch you…”  
“I know you do, and it’s so sexy, it’s so sexy how much you love to touch me, Gerard, how much you want me… and I love watching you do it, the look on your face, it just… it just… it’s heaven…” Erin bit her lip and stroked the side of his face, grabbing his hair and pulling him down to kiss her. “I just love you so much, Gerard, so much, I’d lose my mind without you…”  
“I love you too, more than anything.” Gerard smiled at her, somehow back a strong jolt of pleasure at the dazed smile spreading across her face she he touched her, and pushed another finger inside her, listening to her gasp with pleasure. “Tell me that feels good, Erin, tell me how good that feels…”  
“Gerard, you have no idea, it’s like pulses, like waves, all rushing through me, all at once…” Erin was struggling to catch her breath. “Just pounding intense pleasure, all pushing out from your fingers, and these great shocks of pleasure as I rock against you, oh Gerard, it’s almost unbearable and all I want to do is rub up against you just to ease it, STIMULATE it, it’s this incredible urge to push against you…” She was grabbing at his back, rubbing herself frantically against him. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, oh GOD, this feels so good…” She looked into his eyes and smiled, grabbing his hair and pulling him in to kiss her. “I love you, I love you so much…”  
“Not as much as I love you…” Gerard buried his face in the side of her neck. “Erin…”  
“Oh Gerard…” Erin wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him close. “Oh, you feel so good…” The sensations of pleasure were almost overwhelming her, heavy jolts racing through her body. “Oh Gerard… oh, I… I… oh God, I’m going to…” She felt herself begin to tense and he leaned down and kissed her passionately, his eyes on hers. “Oh… oh, that feels so good, that feels so, good, I… I…” The heavy jolts of pleasure were pushing upwards and her body began to arch, pushing up against him. “Oh, I… I… oh Gerard, GERARD!“  
Gerard clutched Erin’s body tightly against his as she came, feeling her shaking and pushing upwards as he leaned in and kissed her passionately. “I love you, Erin…”  
“I love you too…:” Erin was sprawled untidily on the bed, smiling up at him. “Oh, Gerard, more, more…”  
“Of course…” Gerard looked around for a box of condoms and couldn’t see a single one. Damn it. “OK, Erin, yes, there will be more, I just need to find the condoms…”  
Erin rolled her eyes as he started to rummage through his bedside drawer. “What’s new?”  
“Hey, I’m not the one who keeps missing pills…” Gerard cursed silently as he finally hauled himself out of the bed, throwing clothes around and emptying bags onto the floor. “Condoms, condoms, where are the DAMN CONDOMS…”  
“Christ, Gerard…” Erin rolled onto her side and watched him hunt for them. “If you didn’t just throw them on the floor…”  
“I’m sorry, would you LIKE me to stop and put them neatly away in the middle of sex, when you’re crying out for more and thrusting your hips at me?” Gerard raised an eyebrow at her, barely hiding a smile.  
Erin blushed. “No.”  
“OK then.” Gerard went back to throwing things around the floor.  
Erin flopped back against the pillows impatiently. “Jesus, Gerard, sometimes I think we ought to just put a bell on them…”  
“Wow.” Gerard stopped and stared. “Erin, that is the most unsexy image that has ever existed,”  
Erin rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but it would definitely save us some time whenever we have sex.”  
“HA! I FOUND THEM! I FOUND THEM!” Gerard eagerly tore open one of the foil packets and jumped back into the bed, carefully rolling it on. “Er-“  
“About damn time!” Erin grabbed his hair and pulled him down to kiss her deeply, breathing hard into his mouth. “Oh God, Gerard, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Gerard stroked her hair, slowly moving forwards and pushing inside her. “Erin, “I promise I will devote my whole life to making you happy…”  
“I believe you… Erin stroked the side of his face. “Oh Gerard, this feels wonderful…”  
“So do you…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her passionately as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, her tongue deep in his mouth as he began to move faster and harder, listening to Erin swear quietly as her fingers clawed at his back. “Tell me, Erin, tell me how good this feels…”  
“Oh, it feels so good, it feels… it feels like heaven…” The feelings of pleasure were growing more and more intense, pounding through her entire body. “Oh Jesus, oh Gerard, I love you so much, you’re my world…”  
“Erin, I love you too.” Gerard pressed his lips against the top of her head, his hands tangled in her hair. “I love you and only you, I PROMISE, Erin…”  
“I know…” Erin hugged him tight, her body thrusting up against his. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” She kissed him passionately, holding her forehead against his, his breath hot and heavy against her skin as he pushed harder and harder into her. “I can…” She smiled. “I can feel your heart beating.” Erin’s hands were wrapped tightly around his back, pulling him close. “I can feel it in my chest.” He felt her smile against his lips as she kissed him.  
“That’s because it’s yours.” Gerard kissed her again. “I think it always has been… I just didn’t know until now.” He began pushing even deeper inside her, and she moaned and kissed him harder, still holding him close. “Erin…”  
“I… I feel your heart stronger than mine.” Erin smiled, tears running down her face.. “I think it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt…”  
Gerard felt tears in his eyes and silently cursed himself. Hold it together. Hold it the fuck together. Jesus Christ. “I… I would die for you, Erin.”  
“Gerard, so would I…” Erin hugged him tighter, barely pausing for breath as she kissed him frantically, thrusting her hips up against his. “I wouldn’t even think about it…”  
“I know, Erin, I feel the same…” Gerard started to kiss her neck as she threw her head back, pleasure pounding through her so hard she could barely breathe.  
“Oh Gerard…” Erin’s body started to tense, pushing up against his. “Gerard, I-“  
“I know, I feel it, I feel it…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her passionately, jolts of pleasure shooting through him as he felt Erin’s body begin to arch beneath his. “Erin…”  
“Gerard…” Erin could barely breathe. “Oh, oh Gerard, oh oh GOD!”  
Erin screamed Gerard’s name as she came, her body arching against his as he felt an excruciating burst of pleasure in his gut, knocking the breath out of him as he lay on top of her. “Christ, Erin… just… wow…”  
“Oh, Gerard…” Erin smiled up at him and stroked his cheek, her face flushed and her red hair soaked in sweat. “Gerard, you’re my life…”  
“Erin, you’re my life too, and my heart, it IS yours, it will always be yours, everything I have is yours and you can take it…” Gerard had tears in his eyes, “Erin… Erin, oh God, I have something to tell you…” He took a deep breath. “It’s… it’s not good, and it won’t be easy to hear, but… Erin… Erin, the first time we were together, on that crappy rust-bucket of a boat to Liverpool, I realised I would love you forever. I knew I would trust you so much I would share anything with you, my deepest secrets… secrets that could literally get me killed, because I would trust you above anyone and anything, so here goes…” He swallowed. “Erin… before I say this, please remember I love you. Please. Promise me. Promise me you’ll remember how much I love you. And don’t just say it because I asked you too, say it because you, right deep down in your soul, MEAN it.”  
“OK…” Erin took a deep breath and took his hands, squeezing them soothingly. “I know how much you love me, Gerard. I know how much you will always love me.”  
“OK.” Gerard swallowed. “OK. Erin, I… I’m not from Belfast. I’m not a schoolkid. I’m… I’m military intelligence.” He looked into her eyes, still holding her hands in his as tears started to run down his face. “I’m so sorry, Erin. I’m from the British Army.”


	17. 17

March 14, 1972

“You…” Erin’s eyes widened and she shoved Gerard off her, falling out of bed in her rush to get away from him and scrambling backwards across the floor, her eyes fixed on his face. “No, no, no, no, you can’t be. You’re a school student. You’re 18. This is just a joke, a sick, sick joke-“  
“Erin.” Gerard sat up in bed and smiled at her gently. “It’s not. I’m not 18. I’m 22. I’m not lying to you, not any more.. It’s true. I’m so sorry, but I had to be honest to you because… I love you. I want to be with you forever. I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, but it is true.” He sighed, pulled on his boxers and handed Erin her nightgown as she wrapped her arms awkwardly around herself, trying to cover herself up. “Erin, please. Hear me out. I told you because I love you. Remember that.”  
“You LOVE me?! Gerard, I had SEX with you!” Erin started to cry. “If you loved me, then how could you do that to me? How could you take advantage of me when you were working AGAINST MY FAMILY?”  
“No!” Gerard jumped up. “Erin, I do love you, and I’m not-“  
“BASTARD!” Erin started grabbing anything within reach and hurling it at him. “TRAITOR!”  
“No, Erin, I’m not working against your family-“ Gerard was frantically dodging random projectiles being hurled at him from across the room. “Erin-“  
“You lied to me.” Erin lowered her voice, tears starting to run down her face. “I gave you everything, Gerard. Until I met you, I really WAS saving myself for marriage, and you stole that from me. You stole something that was meant to be special that I can NEVER get back, and you made it… you made it…” She started to sob. “You made it CHEAP.” She grabbed a table lamp and threw it at him. “YOU ASSHOLE!”  
Gerard held his arms out to her. “Look, Erin, what we did… it was never cheap, I swear and for me at least, it was always special. ALWAYS.”  
“LIAR!” Erin hurled a potted plant at him. “YOU LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING, AND NOW I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT!”  
“Erin, I’ve never lied to you.” Gerard smiled gently at her, dodging the telephone as it flew past his head. “Not about my feelings for you, I swear-“  
“WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU? I HAVE! I DID! I BELIEVED EVERYTHING! I BELIEVED THAT YOU LOVED ME, THAT YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME-“ Erin was sobbing, grabbing blindly for things to throw. “YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!”  
“Because-” Gerard ducked as a chair flew over his head and took out an entire shelving unit. “Because, Erin, I never have, and all I… all I do is protect your family. It’s why I’m telling you here, in a hotel, and not at home. I don’t want the Army to know what I’ve been doing. My house is bugged. The Army don’t give me a second of privacy. I had to build a bug jammer to get five minutes just to jer- I mean, go to the bathroom!” He fumbled around in his suitcase and pulled out a large cigar-shaped box with two lights on the side. “See? I HATE them!”  
“Well, guess what, so do I.” Erin started throwing things into her bag. “Goodbye, Gerard.”  
“No, Erin!” Gerard felt a rush of panic. If this girl gets out the door like this, Gerard, you will never see her again. “Your family… I haven’t passed on anything honest about your family. Or anyone, really. Ever. I do nothing but lie and evade questions from my handlers. My cover in the Army… well, the story they told there is that I turned and joined the Republican side. They all hate me now. I… I guess in a way you COULD say I’ve turned, if you think I was even a little bit British to begin with. I didn’t join the Army out of patriotism, just convenience. I lied when I went into the field, lied about my motivations and my plans…” He sighed. “When I first got here…I had some down time. Just a few hours every day, but I still got bored and went for walks in my civvies, and I’d head to the local newsagent to buy chocolate and crisps. I used to chat to everyone, and they used to chat to me, and we’d all talk about Monaghan and… it was like being HOME again.” Gerard smiled wistfully. “Then I found out what the rest of the Army thought of that area and those people, and the other soldiers teased me and mocked me all the time when I was in barracks so I knew what they all thought of me, and I guess I’ve done it because…” He choked back tears himself. “Because I just love you so, so much, and the people here, and everywhere, EVERYTHING, none of it’s evil, it’s all just… normal people…” He broke down in tears and sat down heavily on the bed, his face in his hands. “Erin, I feel so bad, I feel like a demon, but I just don’t know what to do, I’ve gotten myself into something I can’t get out of and it’s awful, it’s just awful, Erin, please, please, just tell me what to do…”  
Erin hesitated, chewing on her lip as she put down the mug she was about to throw at him, and then nodded slowly and sat down on the bed next to him. “OK. Let’s talk.” She crossed her arms. “Is the whole reason you’re with me to spy on me and my family?”  
Gerard’s head snapped up, his eyes widening. “NO!” He shook his head frantically. “No, Erin, no, never, I have never passed on anything about you, or about your family. I never would. You know that already. I told you, and please, you have to believe me, I would never do anything to hurt you OR them.” He put his hand on her shoulder. “Actually, I have deliberately left things out before or outright lied to my handler to misdirect Army resources just to protect your family. Protecting your family is my number one priority. Especially you… and your father. I LOVE your father. He’s like family to me. I have given him alibis. I have told the Army he is where he isn’t, and given them locations 50 miles off. Once, I told them he was hiding out in South Armagh so he could see you safely in Donegal. I know how much you miss him, Erin, and I try so hard to make it so you can see him more often, I swear. Haven’t you noticed that if you have a sobbing breakdown because you can’t see him one day, suddenly you can see him after all within the next week? Who do you think has been fixing that for you, planting lies, redirecting men, making up fake threats? It’s me. It’s all me. Everything is for you, Erin. EVERYTHING. When I said I’d die for you, it was true, and I’ve pretty much just proved that. One word from you to the IRA about this and I’m dead. You know that. My main motivation, the one I lied about… it was to meet you. I was walking the walls, and the Lady of Sorrows buses were dropping off, and I saw you, your gorgeous red hair and long legs and pale skin, and then you laughed and you were so beautiful, Erin, SO beautiful, and in that moment I knew I had to meet you because you were… you were perfect. You were the other half of me. I have loved you since before we even met.” He squeezed her hand and smiled softly at her. “Erin… I realised it was time. I realised you had to know. I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife, and… I would rather die than keep lying to you. Not my fiancee. Not my wife. What does that tell you, Erin? What does that tell you about how much I love you?”  
“Mmmm…” Erin slowly stopped packing, and Gerard’s heart leapt, “Gerard, I…” She wiped her eyes, fighting back tears and trying desperately to still hate him. “WAIT!” Something awful occurred to her. “Oh GOD, have they been LISTENING TO US IN BED?! Have they heard EVERY LITTLE SOUND?!”  
“No. No, Erin, they haven’t heard a sound.” Gerard laughed. “As soon as I realised I actually had a chance with you, I built the…well, jammer. All the bugs pick up is static when it’s on, and it’s small enough that I can carry it with me in my bag.” He shrugged. “I’m kind of an electronics nerd, so-“  
“And how DARE you be here?” Erin had veered back to anger. “How DARE you steal OUR country?”  
“Not me.” Gerard smiled sadly and stroked her cheek. “The British Army, a group I never wanted to be a part of, are the occupiers… and trust me, Erin. I wish I wasn’t here. Not like this. Not as part of a hostile occupying force.” Gerard hung his head. “I don’t want to be here Erin. I’m Irish myself-“  
“That day.” Erin’s eyes narrowed. “When we were gassed, and you were shot, and all those people died, did you…” She looked disgusted. “Did you KNOW that was COMING? WAS IT PART OF YOUR PLAN?”  
“ERIN! Jesus CHRIST, how could you THINK that?” Erin could hear genuine, aching hurt in Gerard’s voice, and she immediately felt terrible. “I didn’t know, I SWEAR I didn’t know, I would never, EVER put you in danger, EVER, and people I cared about died that day too. I saw my classmates die in front of me. Remember that? I was covered in blood, and so were you, and it was hell on Earth, with the gas and the smoke and the gunfire and the screams. I was SHOT. I nearly died. I told you to leave me to die because I couldn’t walk any more. I couldn’t even crawl. I just lay down on the pavement and waited to die.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Does that sound like a trick I would agree to have ANY part of, Erin?”  
“It…” Erin put her arm around him. “No, Gerard, it doesn’t. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I… I was just…” She laid her head on his shoulder, kissing his bare skin gently. “I was just angry. I felt like I’d been deceived-“  
“And that’s fair. So would I.” Gerard kissed her forehead. “Erin. I don’t think of myself as British. I think of myself as Irish, because I am. Hell, I’m an IRISH REPUBLICAN, and I don’t think the British have any place here… but I don’t have a choice.” He bit his lip. “I signed up when I was still a kid myself, on my 18th birthday in 1967, and I only did it because I couldn’t take life at home any more. It wasn’t like yours, warm and loving, it was abusive and violent and…” Gerard swallowed. “I was tortured as a child, and so was my brother, although he was a cute kid so he caught it easier than me. I was overweight and awkward and all I did was draw, and I drove my father and stepmother mad just by BEING there. One time, my stepmother locked me in a dark cupboard that was about 4ft by 2ft by 3ft for spilling my drink. No food, no water. She left me there for two days, didn’t bring me water, didn’t give me pee breaks, didn’t acknowledge my screaming at all. Neither… neither did my dad. He didn’t do anything.” Gerard wiped his eyes. “My brother yelled to me through the door that she had the key and he couldn’t get it, and I thought I was going to die in there. I tore two fingernails out trying to claw through the door and screamed myself hoarse. I was… I was 12.” He wiped his eyes again. “That’s just one time, one incident, one of hundreds, and it’s not even the worst one. I had to get out, and I had to get a job that would pay my little brother’s way as well so that he wouldn’t be stuck there. The Air Force turned me down immediately because I have allergies, and the Navy didn’t want someone who wasn’t British by birth, but the Army was clamouring for recruits and they took me on the spot. I left home the next day, and I took my brother with me and moved him into a cheap bedsit in Whitechapel. It was before anything really kicked off here. I was thinking I’d end up posted in Germany, or fighting somewhere like India, or Korea, or Vietnam, or somewhere in the Middle East, or maybe against the Soviets. I hadn’t been home to Ireland for years, so I had NO idea. I was just thinking along the lines of ‘I’ll be paid and have living space provided so I can afford to support my brother’, not ‘current politics in Ireland.’ I NEVER imagined this. I had two years of training, and then the pogroms hit in 1969 and I was deployed in Belfast for a sort of ’practice’ run as a regular soldier, dealing with the outbreak of sectarian activity. That I didn’t mind as much, because it really WAS protecting people. There were mobs of Loyalists coming down in drunken herds from the Shankill Road and chasing whole Catholic families out of their homes by burning them to the ground. Sometimes we had to chase the mobs away before the families could be rescued, because they weren’t sure if they would escape being burned to death only to be literally torn apart by mobs of laughing men if they left their burning homes. Whole streets of houses were just burned out shells when we got there.”  
“I remember.” Erin nodded. “We got so many new students that year… all these kids who’d lost everything… my father was still living at home with me then, so my grandparents took in a homeless family from the Falls Road. They told us how wonderful the Army were, protecting them when the IRA couldn’t, because they just weren’t strong enough yet…” She looked at him. “You were one of them, weren’t you? You were there.”  
“Yeah.” Gerard felt Erin take his hand in hers and a smile broke across his face. “Yeah, I was there. The people were wonderful, they were all so kind, but the situation they were in, it… it was… indescribable. I pulled children from houses other human beings had willfully set alight, knowing that they were in there. CHILDREN.” Gerard looked at her seriously. “Erin, it was… I don’t ever want to think about it again. The only reason I don’t black it out completely is that saving those families and homes is the one good thing I’ve done here.”  
“The marks.” Erin stared at him. “I felt… I saw the big wrinkled burn marks on your back. I saw the silvery, pink, mottled patches on your skin, I thought they were from that school you told me about, but… you weren’t escaping a fire. You chose to go into those burning houses. The story you told was from the burning houses. You kept going in after your uniform was already burning, didn’t you? It was burning down into your skin and you ignored it and kept going, didn’t you?” Erin ran her fingers over one of the wrinkled ridged marks on his back, and Gerard shivered. “DIDN’T YOU?”  
Gerard nodded silently. ”I had to. No one else would. They… they were all loitering by the APVs. Said there was nothing else that could be done.”  
Erin shook her head, looking at the silvery, wrinkled patches speckled across his smooth pale skin. “Christ, Gerard… You must have saved so many lives, and they were just standing there like the useless cowards they are…” She leaned in and hugged him, burying her face in his hair and breathing in the scent of his hair and skin, tracing her fingers over his barely-healed wrinkled, scarred burns. “Oh Gerard, you saved all those lives, and I was throwing things, I was screaming at you, and… you walked into burning buildings to save people, and you did it while your uniform was literally burning your skin off…”  
“People said the same thing to us.” Gerard smiled. “I mean, not the throwing things part, thank Christ, but the life-saving part. It was nice, I felt like we were doing good… and then the IRA got stronger, and they took over the protective role, Army oppression started, the spying, internment, the intimidation of civilians, and I…” Gerard shook his head. “So, in conclusions: 18 month Belfast tour, break in barracks for R&R because I still gave almost all my money to my brother, and I arrived here in late 1971 as military intelligence. I didn’t want to come back, and I thought about running back to Monaghan, but I would have been thrown in military jail, and my paycheque would stop, and my little brother would have had to go back to our stepmother, so…” He swallowed. “I have a handler, and I debrief him every week on top of all the information they get from the bugs.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to be here, Erin. I don’t want to do this. It… it kills a little bit of my soul every day. I’m sorry. I want to die, but I’d just be replaced, and that guy WOULD tell on you. He’d tell them everything. I have never passed on one THING about your family, or about you.” He looked at her. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”  
Erin bit her lip. “And my family’s clean?”  
“Better than clean.” Gerard smiled. “You have an ally. I will have you and your family’s backs in EVERYTHING. Anything you need hiding, anything you need done, any help you ever, EVER need… I’m here. My job is to help you… not to help THEM.”  
“OK.” Erin nodded slowly. “I believe you.”  
“I’m glad.” Gerard put his hand on her arm. “But I understand if you never want to see me ag-“  
“Shut up, Gerard.” Erin pulled him back down on the bed, yanking off his boxers.  
“Oh. OK then.” Gerard wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply, his hands in her hair as he clung to her. “Cool.”  
“Grab another condom, Romance Boy.” Erin smiled at him. “Thank you for protecting my family, and… thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. So… yeah.” She kissed him. “We’re OK… and I have your back, just like you have mine.”  
Gerard pulled a face. “Erin, do you have to join in on the whole ‘Romance Boy’ thing too? Really?”  
“Baby steps, Romance Boy.” Erin grinned and pulled him down on top of her, shedding her nightgown. “Baby steps.”


	18. 18

“Dear Mikey,

It’s Erin’s birthday this week. I’ve been planning a trip away for weeks and she’s so excited, it’s adorable. I can’t wait either… if only because new beds make her horny. SO horny. I am going to get laid like crazy.

I just bought a new car. It is SWEET. You would go nuts over it. I’ll be sure to send you a photo of it and wait for the jealousy.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

March 30, 1972

“Hi, Gerard, it’s Erin. Is your dad there?” That was their code for ‘have they fixed the phone bug and tracer on the line?’  
“No, he left yesterday.” Or, ‘Yes, but I broke it again.’ “And Erin, we’ve been over this.” Gerard smiled. “You could just breathe into the phone and I’d know it was you.”  
“Oh.” He could almost hear her blush at the other end of the phone. “Well, I was just wondering… um, I just wanted to check if you managed to get the car yet? I mean, so we’re ready for tomorrow?” Gerard and Erin had decided they had to buy a car the week before, when they had almost gotten caught half-naked in the bushes by the RUC under the Craigavon Bridge and realised that they needed a private make-out place for when the creepy guy that was supposedly Gerard’s father was in town.  
“I did.” Gerard grinned. “So you can be chauffeured all the way to your eighteenth birthday celebrations…”  
“Oh, very nice…” Erin stroked the phone handset with her thumb. “How very gentlemanly of you…”  
Gerard laughed quietly. “Erin, if you’re looking for a gentleman, you’re calling the wrong house…”  
“GERARD!” Erin hissed. “MY GRANDPARENTS LISTEN IN ON THE EXTENSION ALL THE TIME!”  
“OK, sorry, sorry…” Gerard shivered. Sometimes Erin could be truly terrifying. “But yeah, the car’s all set. No problems.”  
“Awesome.” Erin smiled. “And did you buy it from one of the dealers my grandfather recommended?” ‘Did you get it from an IRA-owned dealer so the Army couldn’t have gotten to it?’  
“Yup.” Gerard nodded down the phone. “I got it from the one up on Westway he told me about.” ‘Yes, it’s clean.’  
“Cool.” Erin smiled again. “And the place you booked is really badass, right?”  
“Yes, it is indeed REALLY BADASS.” Gerard grinned. “In fact, it happens to be a castle.”  
“A CASTLE? A real freaking CASTLE?” Erin was almost jumping up and down with excitement. “Gerard, where the hell did you find a CASTLE?”  
“County Clare. It’s called Dromoland.” Gerard laughed. “It’s got a fascinating history actually, the man who arguably invented wireless radio was an Italian called Marconi who married the Irish female heir to the family, and he did some significant work on wireless radio technology while he was living here-“  
“Gerard…” Erin rolled her eyes. “Gerard, I love you, but what did we agree about physics and engineering and machinery?”  
“That I’d keep it to myself if you didn’t talk about David Cassidy. OK.” Gerard sighed. “Anyway, I pre-booked this whole spa day for you, with my credit card pre-authorised under your name, so you can start bragging to Caitlin the second I get off the line, rather than having to wait a whole day.” He swallowed uncomfortably. “Just… if you have to get the damn acupuncture, please don’t tell me about it afterwards.” He shrugged apologetically, “You know-“  
“Needles, yeah. I know. It’s OK, sweetheart, I won’t get that.” Erin had the sudden urge to hug him and rest her head comfortingly on his chest. “I can’t wait to see you, I just can’t wait to give you a big hug…”  
“I can’t wait to see you either.” Gerard smiled. “And you don’t even have to wait until we get there tomorrow afternoon to brag EVEN MORE to Caitlin. Massages, beauty treatments, manicures, pedicures, hot stone body treatments… you’re going to love it. And when you’re done, the place has a pool, and a jacuzzi, and a sauna… it’s going to be fantastic.”  
“It will.” Erin smiled to herself. “I love you so much, Gerard…”  
Gerard smiled and absently stroked the phone handset. “I love you too.”  
Erin cleared her throat. “So… did you wash your new car today too?” ‘Are you sure there isn’t a tracking device on your car?’  
“Yes, I just washed it this evening and then moved it into the garage in case it rained, and I fixed a new alarm on it too.” ‘I searched it for bugs and trackers already, and it’s going to stay clean, at least for now, because I’m an electronics and engineering savant.’ Erin knew he’d rigged the garage with a seriously powerful alarm already, back when he converted it into an electronics and engineering workshop, so the car would definitely be safe in there. That is, unless the potential burglar enjoyed a klaxon and 250,000 volts.  
“Cool, so we can use it?” ‘It’s safe to talk in?’  
“Definitely. We can use it all weekend.” ‘It’s safe to drive to meet your father in.’  
“Cool.” Erin grinned. “OK, well, I just wanted to know if you wanted to stop off at the cliffs on the way tomorrow, since it’s meant to be a gorgeous day, and you can meet my oldest friend like you wanted to. She works nights at the Outlook club in Galway, but she gets off at one, so she’s almost always free during the day. Advantages of being single, I guess… although I wouldn’t trade being with you for the whole world. And she has a date today at two, so who knows?” ‘You can meet my father, alone, at the southern outlook on the Cliffs of Moher, at one o’clock sharp, and then he’ll hang out with both of us at two.”  
“Cool.” Gerard smiled. “So, are you going to yell my name off the cliffs?”  
Erin frowned. “What?”  
“The legend is, if you yell the name of your true love off the Cliffs of Moher, you’ll be together for all eternity.” Gerard could suddenly feel tears in his eyes and silently cursed himself. “Does that… does that sound good?”  
“Eternity with you?” Erin smiled and Gerard heard her kiss the phone. “It sounds perfect… can I hold your hand and we yell each other’s names together?”  
“I can’t think of anything better.” Gerard stroked the phone handset. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.” Erin smiled.  
Gerard cleared his throat. “You going to bring your little black two-piece bathing suit for the pool?” AKA, ’I’m horny and your bikini is hot as hell.’  
He heard Erin laugh softly. “Yes…no way I’d leave that behind…” ‘I know how much it turns you on, and I am so hot for you right now, but my grandma could be listening on the extension.’  
“We have plenty of things we can do at the hotel outside of dinner and the spa, too. I mean, I booked a full five days, and it has fancy gardens to walk in, and a maze, and a pond with an island, the kitchens put picnic baskets together for you, and it even has pony trekking and archery. We could sunbathe in the gardens… or just hang out in the lounge and talk…” ‘I’m as hot as hell for you too right now, but your grandma could be listening on the extension.’ Gerard bit his lip, fidgeting with the phone cord. “Sound like fun?”  
He heard Erin cough, desperately trying to disguise her painfully obvious heavy breathing, and he began to feel hot tingles of pleasure spreading through him. “Yes. Yes, definitely. Just make sure they know we need separate beds, OK? And bring some board games so we have something to do in the evenings before we go to sleep.” ‘Upgrade to the king size room and make sure the bed is big enough to play some serious ‘adult’ games before we go to sleep.’ “Pick me up tomorrow outside my house at nine?”  
“As if anything could stop me.” Gerard was already desperately trying to control himself, the thought of her bathing suit and pool water rolling off her body sending more and more intense jolts of pleasure through his body out of sheer anticipation. “Should I bring some sunscreen-“  
“Yes.” Erin’s voice was breathy, and he could already hear the smile in her voice. “Bring plenty, lots and lots, as much as you can carry…” ‘Bring armfuls and armfuls of condoms in case I forget a pill.’ She cleared her throat. “You, uh, just never know when you’re going to need more sunscreen…” ‘I’m so turned on right now, so bring so many condoms because I am so, so hot for you…’  
Gerard bit his lip, forcing down the pleasure pushing through him harder and harder, and let out a long, slow sigh. “Oh, yes, of course.” ‘I’m even more turned on and I want to be inside you in the next ten seconds, if not sooner, and if I’m not, I might die of sexual frustration.’ Gerard made a mental and immediate very long date with the shower as the pleasure intensified until it was almost unbearable. “Yes, Erin, oh yes, I’ll bring more sunscreen than you could ever imagine…”  
Erin’s voice had taken on an oddly high pitch. “Just don’t forget the spare pool towels… or the sunscreen, Gerard. DO NOT FORGET THE SUNSCREEN.” ‘I’m going to jump you the second we get in the room so bring so, so many condoms, and we’re totally going to make out in the pool too, and DO NOT FORGET THE CONDOMS.’ “I love you. Gerard.”  
“I love you too, Erin.” Gerard smiled. “See you tomorrow at nine.” He heard Erin kiss the phone and he laughed and kissed his phone too, glancing around the empty house in mild embarrassment but also feeling a warm smile spread across his face. “See you tomorrow at nine.” He hung up and fled to the bathroom, flicking on the bug jammer and shedding clothes as he ran.

\- - - - - -

When Erin came out of the house to meet Gerard at nine the next morning, her grandmother was chatting excitedly with someone in a gorgeous classic car by the front kerb, and she frowned. “Ma? Ma, who are you talking to?”  
“Your young man has inherited a beautiful classic car from his grandparents, Erin.” Her grandmother looked almost starstruck by it. “When you said he was driving down to fetch his grandfather’s old car, I… well, will you just take a look at this?”  
“Mint condition dark bottle green 1955 Jaguar XK120 convertible roadster with black waterproofed roof and cream leather and teak interior.” Gerard leaned out of the rolled-down window and smiled at Erin, leaning up to unlatch the folding roof and jumping out of the car to fold it back and strap it down. “It was my maternal grandfather’s, from my family in Monaghan. He just went into long-term care so, since she can’t drive. my grandma just gave it to me.”  
“Gerard…” Erin was still staring. “Gerard, when you, uh, said your grandfather had an old car that he was going to give you…” ‘We decided you should buy a cheap old hatchback and pretend to have been given it, not to buy and pretend to have been given… THIS.’  
“Classic, old, same deal.” Gerard shrugged and looked over his Ray-Bans at her. “What can I say, grandpa likes classic cars, and yeah, there ARE all these cheap old hatchbacks around, but I’ve always loved classic cars too, and this one was just sitting right there, all gorgeous…” I ignored all the sensible choices and bought the car I wanted instead, and I can afford it because my job pays crazy well with all the extra danger pay, and now we’ll have somewhere safer, bigger, AND much more classy to talk and make out in. “So.” He jumped over the closed door into into the drivers seat, grinned, and looked up at her. “Ready to go?”  
“Well, I THOUGHT I was, but I’m so not dressed for a trip in a car like this.” Erin tossed her suitcase in the boot. “Be right back.” She raced back inside and up the stairs.

When she came back an hour later, she was carrying a huge vanity case bigger than his entire suitcase, her hair was pinned up on top of her head, and she was wearing dark red lipstick and a black, knee-length flared strappy dress with a little green cropped cardigan. “OK. Now I’m ready.” She smiled.  
Gerard’s mouth fell open, and for the first time he truly realised that, at some point over the past 7 months, his beloved Erin had grown from a slightly awkward seventeen-year-old schoolgirl into a stunning young woman. “Wow…” He shook his head slowly. “Just, wow. Erin, you look…” He bit his lip. “You look absolutely beautiful.”  
“Thanks.” Erin blushed. “I tried, I didn’t have much time-“  
“Trust me, you did plenty.” Gerard shook his head. “You’re stunning. I need to take you on trips more often.”  
“Yeah, you do.” She grinned and put on a pair of cat’s-eye style black sunglasses. “Don’t worry, I brought six boxes of - I mean, bottles of sunscreen.”  
“AWESOME.” Gerard raised an eyebrow. “So… are you looking forward to your birthday trip?”  
Erin laughed. “Damn straight. Bring on 18.”  
Gerard grinned. “You’ll have so much fun, Erin. I can go nerd out over Marconi in the grounds, and you can go and be beautiful in the spa. And you can add any other treatments you want, any at all. It’s all paid for.” He smiled. “Not that you need it… I can’t believe how stunning you’ve become.”  
“Awwww, I know there was a reason I loved you.” He could hear the smile in Erin’s voice.  
“I’m serious. When did you get so beautiful, Erin?” Gerard shook his head in disbelief. “You just… wow. WOW.” He laughed. “Darn. My wife is going to be HOT.”  
“Yeah, she is.” Erin laughed. “You know, you still haven’t ASKED, Gerard…”  
“Hey, I’m getting there.” Gerard grinned. “Be patient, Erin…”  
“Sure.” Erin rolled her eyes. “Thank you, Gerard. I can’t believe you’re doing all this just for my 18th birthday…”  
“And yet here I am, and I’m doing it because you’re perfect.” Gerard smiled. “And because I love you.”  
“Sure, and so you can nerd out over Marconi without getting told off. I know you.” Erin gave him a look. Erin leaned in and kissed him as her grandmother went back inside the house. “Let’s go… oh.” She looked at him over the top of her sunglasses. “By the way… did you want to stop along the way and find somewhere remote to ‘christen’ it? I mean, I do have all those boxes of ‘sunscreen’, and I did just complete another FULL SHEET…”  
Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Hell YES I do!” He slammed the car into gear and floored the accelerator. “Let’s DO this!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dromoland exists. I was going to get married there before my engagement fell through. It rocks.
> 
> There is a reason I picked David Cassidy. I dare you to find it.


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Mikey,

I’m leaving today for my trip, and the castle is pretty remote, so I don’t know when I’ll next be able to mail a letter. 

It’s good to know you have a new girlfriend. I really wasn’t enjoying the constant reviews of my ex.

Love, Gerard XOXO

PS - I am going to get LAID SO MUCH this weekend. Just a little mental image to thank you for all the ones about my ex.

——————

March 31, 1972

“Is this remote enough?” Gerard looked around. He couldn’t see anyone. Or, to be honest, anything. He hadn’t seen a house, or even another car, for almost half an hour. All he could see was miles and miles of brown peat bog.  
“I think so.” Erin bit her lip and smiled. “But Gerard... if we're going to have sex in a relatively public place in broad daylight, then we're damn well going to do it right…" She leaned in to kiss the side of his face, breathing into his ear. “I want you to make me come so hard that I forget my own name…"  
Um... Gerard swallowed nervously as he reached up and latched the roof closed. No pressure, then. “I'll, uh... see what I can do.”  
“I expected nothing less…" Erin smiled and pushed him back against the seat, pulling off his shirt as she straddled his lap. “And guess what, Romance Boy? FULL SHEET.”  
“FULL SHEET!” Gerard had to fight the urge to fist-bump her. This marked only the second time since the first prescription that Erin had managed a full sheet of pills without losing, forgetting, or missing one… and it had been a long, LONG wait. Turned out, Erin wasn’t anywhere near as organised as she thought she was.  
“Yeah…” Erin smiled up at him, her face flushed. “You know what that means…”  
Gerard grinned. “Oh yeah…” She felt his hands on the zip of her dress, carefully sliding it down as he traced his fingertips down her spine, and she swore quietly, kissing him harder and harder and looking into his eyes as her dress slipped down to her waist. “Jesus, Gerard…” She wrapped her arms around his back and pressed her body firmly against his, slipping out of her panties as he wriggled free of his underwear. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin squirmed a little with anticipation, feeling him begin to lightly stroke her with the tips of his fingers. “Gerard…”  
“Erin, I love you, I love you so much…” Gerard started to feel tingles of pleasure creep through him as he slid his hand further down between her legs, her fingers grabbing at his back.  
“I love you too…” She grabbed his hair and held his forehead tightly against hers, her lips brushing against his mouth. “Oh... oh, Gerard…" She smiled against his mouth, wrapping her arm more tightly around his back. “Gerard…”  
Gerard smiled and began to move his fingers faster, hearing Erin’s breath catch in her throat as he pushed a finger inside her. “Erin, oh, Erin…”  
“Oh God… oh God… oh God….” Erin began to move her hips, kissing him harder as he touched her and breathing heavily into his mouth as she felt an aching pleasure slowly beginning to grow. “Oh, Gerard, Gerard, oh please, that's amazing, oh God…”  
“Christ, Erin…” Gerard pushed a second finger inside her, swearing quietly under his breath as he fought back a sudden jolt of pleasure. “Erin…”  
“Oh Gerard, please…” Erin bit her lip, her hands tangled in his hair. “Gerard, don't stop, please, that's amazing, that's so amazing…"  
“Erin…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her passionately, slipping his hand further down between her legs, and he heard her let out an odd, gasping moan as he pushed a third finger inside her. She began to rock hard against his hand, her breathing faster and heavier as she angled her hips up, rocking harder and harder against his fingers. “Oh, Erin…”  
“Oh, Gerard, I... oh God, Gerard…” Erin wrapped both her arms around his back, kissing him deeply and pushing her tongue into his mouth as her fingernails dragged deep scratches into his back. “Oh, Gerard, harder, please…”  
He smiled and pushed his fingers deeper inside her, stroking her with his thumb, and he heard her let out a strangled moan. “Better?”  
Erin nodded frantically. “Oh, yes, Gerard, yes, please don't stop…" Erin’s legs began to shake and she smiled breathlessly, pressing her chin against Gerard’s forehead as he started to kiss her neck.. “Oh, Gerard, please…" She rocked harder and harder against his fingers, Gerard thrusting them in and out of her, and her body began to arch against his. “Oh, Gerard… Gerard, oh God, oh God, oh GERARD-“ She threw her head back and screamed, her whole body shaking as she came hard against him, her hands clenching into fists and her nails carving deep ridges in his back. “Oh Gerard… Gerard…” She trailed off, breathing heavily, and laid her forehead against his shoulder. “Gerard… now, please, Gerard, now, I want you inside me, right now, JUST you, touching me, you touching me…”  
“Christ, Erin…” Gerard frantically started to stroke and rub her with his fingers. “Erin, you’re incredible…” He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, leaned in, and kissed her passionately, feeling her let out a long sigh as he pushed slowly inside her. “Oh, Christ, Erin, that feels incredible, I’m actually touching you, touching YOU, nothing between us…” He kissed her gently. “It feels so, so wonderful.”  
“Gerard. I love having nothing between us…” Erin shifted slightly, angling her hips. “Gerard, I love you so much…”  
“I love being so close to you, Erin…” Gerard smiled, tightened his arm around her back and kissed her, beginning to move his hips as he stroked her, and he heard her moan quietly.  
“Oh... oh, Gerard…" Her arms tightened around his back as she moved her hips in time with his, pressing herself harder against his fingers as she felt a warm glow of pleasure beginning to spread through her body. “Oh, Gerard, harder, please, harder…”  
Gerard smiled, leaning in to kiss her passionately, feeling her smile against his mouth as he moved faster and harder, carefully moving his fingertips up and down. “Is that OK?”  
“Oh God, Gerard, yes, it's amazing, it's so amazing…" Erin kissed him harder, her tongue deep in his mouth as she felt a familiar pleasure starting to build between her legs. “Keep going, please, oh God, keep going…” He felt her slide one hand up his spine, and then she was pulling his face in even closer to hers as she kissed him, holding her forehead against his as she looked into his eyes. “Oh, Gerard…" He heard her moan as she pushed herself harder against his fingertips, her eyes dilating and her fingers grabbing at his back as he began to rub more intensely. “Oh, Gerard, oh my God, you feel so good, you do, you feel wonderful, deeper, please…”  
“Erin…” Gerard smiled and kissed her passionately, wrapping his arm around her as tightly as he could and pressing his chest so tightly against hers that she could hardly breathe. “Erin…" He started to move his fingers faster and she moaned loudly into his mouth, her hands tightening in his hair as she crushed her lips almost painfully against his, her breaths coming faster and heavier as he touched her. “Oh, Erin, I love you, I love you so much…”  
“Gerard…" Erin pulled him in closer, tilting her hips to push as hard as she could against him as the first waves of heat started to radiate upwards from between her legs. “Faster, Gerard, faster…"  
Gerard felt her begin to rub herself frantically against him, and he swore loudly, fighting desperately to keep control of himself. “Oh Erin, that feels so good…”  
“Oh, Gerard, I…” Erin gasped as Gerard slid his fingers further down between her legs, her hands tangling painfully in his hair. “Gerard, oh, that's amazing, oh Jesus, Gerard, harder, harder, please…” She felt him begin to push harder and harder into her, stroking her with his thumb, and her legs clenched. “Oh GOD, Gerard…"  
“Erin…" Gerard could feel her fingers clenching and pulling in his hair, and he let out a yelp of pain mixed with pleasure. “Oh, Erin…"  
The waves of pleasure had started to beat faster and harder through her, and Erin's breath caught in her throat. “Oh, oh, Gerard, oh…" She started to push her hips harder and harder against his, forcing him deeper inside her as the aching pleasure between her legs intensified until it was almost unbearable, pulsing deeper and deeper inside her. “Oh, Gerard, oh, that’s incredible, I love having you inside me, you feel so amazing, kiss me, kiss me, please…”  
“Erin…" Gerard hugged her tighter, kissing her hard and watching a breathless smile began to spread across her face. 'Oh, God, Erin...'  
“Oh, oh, Gerard, GERARD…" Erin felt her legs start to shake as a burning wave of heat rushed through her body. “Oh, Gerard, oh, oh God, I…" She pressed her chest hard against his, kissing him passionately, crying out as pleasure pounded through her body. “Oh, oh, GERARD, Gerard, oh, oh, I think…”  
Gerard nodded frantically, jolts of pleasure shooting through his body. “I know, I know, oh Erin…”  
Erin’s legs clamped shut around Gerard’s hand and her body arched against his, her fingers clawing at his back. “Oh, OH, GERARD, GERARD, OH, OH GOD-“  
She threw her head back and screamed as she came, the thundering sensation of pleasure radiating through her body and her muscles contracting around him as she thrust her hips forward into his, and then he was burying his face in her hair and shouting her name, his body shaking as she pushed hard against him.  
“Oh... oh, Gerard... just... oh…" Erin collapsed forwards against his chest and lay there with her eyes closed, breathing heavily. “Oh…" She smiled breathlessly, her hand finding his and squeezing it. “Oh, Gerard…"  
Gerard smiled, leaned over and kissed her forehead, brushing her sweaty fringe back off her face. “Still glad we did this?”  
Erin opened her eyes and smiled up at him as he stroked the side of her face. “Yes.”  
“I’m glad.” Gerard grinned and kissed the top of her head. “So... did you, uh…" He looked at her hopefully. “Did you, you know, forget your own name?” Please say yes please say yes please say yes-  
“No.” Erin shook her head, and Gerard's heart sank. Damn it.  
Erin saw the look on his face and laughed. “Gerard…” She kissed his cheek and stroked his face. “Come on, imagine all the years we have to work on that…"  
“Damn straight.” Gerard smiled and kissed her forehead, beginning to absently run his finger up and down her spine. “I can't wait.”  
“Neither can I…” Erin smiled a little, still lying against his chest in the front seat. “Jesus, Gerard… I just had sex in a car at the side of a road somewhere in Donegal… in the middle of the day…”  
“You did.” Gerard smiled and kissed her. “But, if it helps, so did I.”  
“True.” Erin laughed. “And it is a… what is it? A Panther ZK something?”  
“A 1955 Jaguar XK120 convertible roadster.” Gerard grinned and hugged her tighter, stroking her hair. “And trust me, Erin. If you’re going to have sex in a car, this is the one to do it in.”  
“Hmm…” Erin raised an eyebrow at him. “You sound like quite the authority…”  
“Once concussed myself in the back seat of a Ford Cortina. Got a little… enthusiastic. Long story. Don’t ask.” Gerard shuddered. “Too many pineapple daiquiris with a girl who could tie maraschino cherry stems into a knot with her tongue…”  
Erin raised her eyebrows. “You know, I can do that too.”  
Gerard stared at her. “Noted.”  
Erin laughed softly and stroked the side of his face. “I love you.” She perked up suddenly. “Hey, at the cliffs we have to remember to stand holding hands and shouting each others’ names out at the sea.” She smiled. “If you do that with your true love at the Cliffs of Moher… you’ll be with that person for all eternity.”  
“Eternity with you sounds good to me.” Gerard smiled and kissed her, hugging her tight as she buried her face in the side of his neck. “And I love you too.”

\- - - - -

“Good afternoon, Mr Kelly.” Gerard smiled and held out his hand.  
Eamon snorted and brushed Gerard’s hand away, wrapping him in a bear hug. “Come on, boy, we’re almost family. We’re past that now.”  
Gerard smiled and hugged him back. “It’s nice to see you again.”  
“That it is.” Eamon nodded appreciatively. “So how can I help you with that my Erin can’t hear, boy? New papers? Bad guy you need rid of? Trouble with the Brits?”  
“No, no, nothing like that, it’s…” Gerard bit his lip. “Well, it’s kind of about how you said we’re almost family… I know it’s getting to be the age of women’s lib, and I know you already like me, but I also know you adore Erin and you’re her world, so… well, she’s waiting in the car, we’re about to head to Dromoland for holidays-“  
“Dromoland? Nice.” Eamon whistled and shook his head. “So, let me guess… you wanted to ask me something before you ask her.”  
Gerard blushed bright red. “Yes, sir.”  
“Ah.” Eamon nodded. “She pregnant?”  
“No, sir.” Gerard grinned.  
“Well, that’d be a first for our family. Congratulations.” Eamon shook his head, looking impressed. “Gerard, if you’re asking me what I think it is, then yes. Yes, you have my blessing to marry my daughter.”  
Gerard threw his arms around him. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, sir… I love her so much…”  
“I know, boy, or I would have said no. Erin’s my angel.” Eamon smiled. “I suppose I’ll have to get used to calling you ‘son’, now.”  
Gerard swallowed nervously. “Well, she hasn’t said ‘yes’ yet. I’m planning it in a few weeks, I have this whole weekend planned out, super nice hotel in Donegal, and I’m going to show her around the whole area my family comes from up here, but…” He chewed on his lip. “But she still might say no…”  
“She won’t.” Eamon patted him on the shoulder. “I know my girl. All she talks about is you, and she almost glows when she does it. Trust me. She’ll say yes.”


	20. 20

April 1, 1972

“Well, I’d say that was a good start to my birthday trip.” Erin smiled weakly, her face flushed and covered in sweat.  
“Yeah, to hell with prepaid meals.” Gerard grinned. “That was WAY more fun… and I have champagne for you tomorrow, too, so it doesn’t really matter.” He thought about it. “Well, I guess it’s technically tonight by now…”  
“Aww, you do?” Erin kissed his cheek. “I love you so much…”  
“And you will never believe what I got you for your birthday.” Gerard smiled and sat up in bed. “Since it IS 5am already, which means it IS your birthday, birthday girl…”  
“Oooooh, what?” Erin grinned and sat up, clutching the sheets around her body. “Because I’d say you gave me plenty already…”  
Gerard smiled, climbed out of bed and pulled on his boxers, then went across the room to the second suitcase he’d brought and unzipped it. “Here!” He produced a machine with black metal and brass components mounted on a polished dark wood base, with a paper scroll attached to a roll on the far left of the machine and a sending auto. “Isn’t it cool?”  
Erin stared at it. “What IS it?”  
“It’s a Marconi wireless machine!” Gerard picked up the collapsible antenna. “It’s an exact replica of the versions he developed after his stay here in Dromoland!” He handed it to her and climbed onto the bed. “Isn’t it cool?”  
“Gerard, where did you even GET this thing?” Erin held up the machine, looking at all the workings and the paper scroll on the wooden base. “It’s so… WEIRD…”  
“I made it.” Gerard looked hugely proud. “It took me about two weeks to machine all the parts and put it together. It’s a complete replica of one of Marconi’s devices. An EXACT replica from some of his technical drawings, but… I’m really sorry, Erin, but although it does still print all the letters out in Morse code on the paper, I had to use transistors instead of valves just for scale.”  
“I will learn to live with this terrible loss.” Erin put on a dramatic sigh. “I mean, TRANSISTORS…”  
“I know. They wouldn’t even have been invented when Marconi was here at Dromoland. No one proposed the theoretical concept until Lilienfeld in 1926, and no one managed to build one until Bardeen and Brattain did in 1947.” Gerard looked genuinely disappointed in himself. “Don’t worry, I got you a Morse code dictionary too.”  
“Well, thank God, I was so worried.” Erin rolled her eyes.  
Gerard ignored her. “Here’s the antenna you have to attach. You plug it in right here.” He showed her the little socket the 2 metre tall collapsible antenna fitted into. “I’ll take it to the spa before breakfast, and I brought one for me too. I’ll send you a message from the middle of the maze. I already slipped one of the girls there 50 pounds to translate it for you.”  
“You built TWO of these?! CHRIST, you’re a nerd…” Erin laughed.  
“And yet you love me…” Gerard kissed her cheek as he put the machine down on the table and climbed back into bed.  
“Mmm, I do…” Erin smiled and rolled over, pressing herself against him and cradling his face in her hands as she kissed him. “Even if you DO give me weird birthday gifts…”  
“Because I’m a crazy romantic… and because that’s not the main gift.” Gerard rolled away for a second and pulled a flat velvet box out from under a pile of books. “THIS is the main gift.”  
“Oh, Gerard…” Erin bit her lip and opened the box, her hand flying to her mouth as she saw the diamond and sapphire necklace. “GERARD…”  
Gerard smiled. “I designed it to mat- I designed it myself.” He pointed at the white gold sculpted shapes studded with and holding the stones. “They’re meant to be tree roots… kind of representing the first roots of the decades of our relationship, if that makes sense.” He blushed. “Since I… I want to be with you forever, I wanted to mark it with your birthday gift.”  
“Gerard, it’s beautiful.” Erin wrapped her arms around him. “Here, put it on me.” She held up her long red hair and turned around, and Gerard eased the necklace out of the box and put it on, hooking on the clasp and clipping it shut. “Oh Gerard, I love it, I love it so much…” She touched It as it lay flat against the skin of her chest. “I love you…”  
“I love you too.” He smiled.  
Erin smiled back. “You know you are SO getting laid again for this, right?”  
“Since I also built you a Marconi wireless machine? Damn straight…” Gerard pulled her in close and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her back.  
“Gerard, honey, if anything, the Marconi thing would have counted against you.” Erin smiled and kept kissing him, pushing his boxers back off with her toe.  
“Because of the transistors?” Gerard looked sad again. “I know, I know, MOSFETs weren’t even commercially available until eight years ago, but they’re only ten micrometres long, so I-“  
Erin put her hand over his mouth. “Gerard, this is so not dirty talk, so if you want to get laid again, shut up.” She leaned in and kissed him gently, slipping her hand down and stroking him, sending paralysing tendrils of pleasure shooting through him.  
“OK. OK.” Gerard nodded his head frantically. “I’ll shut up, I’ll shut up-“  
“Luckily… you ARE a crazy romantic…” Erin stroked the side of his face. “And I love you…” She leaned in and kissed him again, tightening one arm around her back as he slid his hand excruciatingly slowly down her abdomen. “Gerard, Gerard, oh Gerard, come on, are you going to touch me or am I going to have to get myself off?” She raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I figured out how to do that. I do it most nights at home, although I can’t make a sound… but every time, when I’m getting myself off, I’m thinking of the way you feel inside me…”  
Sweet Jesus. Gerard almost came just thinking about it. “Oh Christ, Erin, I love you too…” He hugged her closer, slipping his hand between her legs and beginning to stroke her with his fingers, feeling the usual irresistible creeping tingles of pleasure as she rubbed herself hard against him, moaning loudly and grabbing at his hair as she kissed him. “Faster, Gerard, faster, please…” She pushed herself hard against his fingers, crying out as he slowly started to knead her and move his fingers faster, slowly pushing one finger inside her. She let out a long, strangled moan, clinging to him and pressing her body tightly against his, and then screamed loudly as he slowly teased her between his fingers.  
“Is that good?” Gerard grinned, pushing a second finger inside her and beginning to thrust his fingers back and forth, rocking them up against her.  
“JESUS, Gerard, keep going, that feels so good, oh, OH, KEEP GOING!” Erin was kissing him frantically, moaning loudly into his mouth as he pushed a third finger inside her, thrusting her hips hard against his fingers and screaming his name at the top of her voice. “Oh God, Gerard, that feels so good, that feels… oh God, Gerard…” Erin kissed him hard, breathing hard into his mouth as Gerard felt her starting to flutter deep inside, the flutters growing stronger as he stroked her faster and faster. “Oh Gerard, I’m… oh God…”  
“I know, Erin, oh Jesus, I know…” Gerard wrapped his arm around her back, feeling her whole body tense against his, and then she threw her head back and screamed as she came, her body shuddering and contracting against his. “Christ, Erin…”  
“I know…” Erin started to kiss him again, more and more deeply. “And this time… I want it SLOW.”  
Of course you do. Gerard quietly sighed to himself. They’d been in bed together for ten hours already after what was meant to be a quickie before dinner and he was still as horny as hell. He began to kiss her again, and then he was kissing her neck and chest, savouring the feeling of kissing her breasts as she pushed up against his mouth, working downwards and kissing and licking her skin, flicking his tongue into her navel. “Oh Jesus, Gerard, please, please, Gerard…”  
He kept kissing her, holding his lips against her skin and feeling it rise and fall as she breathed, and then he looked up at her face and smiled, kissing every inch of skin as he worked his way downward, carefully spreading her legs and kissing her inner thighs. Erin let out a strangled cry, gasping as she felt him beginning to kiss her inner thighs, licking her and savouring the taste of her skin. “Oh, Gerard, now, please…"  
He smiled patiently and ignored her, still barely stroking her with his thumb as he brushed his mouth and tongue lightly against her, and she let out a cry of frustration. “Gerard, please, PLEASE!”  
He looked up at her, clearly trying not to laugh. “You told me you wanted it slow…”  
Erin's eyes narrowed. “Oh, you bastard, you absolute bastard…”  
Gerard laughed quietly. “Well, I love you too.”  
“Gerard, please... I-“ She let out a choked gasp as he began to lick and stroke her lightly again, kissing and licking her inner thighs, her hands clawing at the fine, smooth cotton of the sheets. “Oh GOD, Gerard…"  
He smiled and began to brush his fingers around the the top of her thighs, slipping his fingertips inside her as he kept stroking and licking her, harder and harder this time, feeling her begin to push herself against his face as her back arched. He eased a finger inside her, listening to her scream his name and fighting the excruciating tendrils and jolts of pleasure spreading through him as he pushed a second finger inside her, and then she felt him start to rub back and forth with his thumb and swore, thrusting her hips up into the air. “Oh God, GERARD…" Her hands clenched into fists and her body tensed as he thrust his fingers in and out of her, feeling the first quivers inside her as a hot rush of pleasure radiated upwards and pleasure starting to overcome her body. “Oh Gerard, oh please, Gerard, I... oh God, I…" Gerard smiled and she felt him push his tongue hard against her, his fingers deep inside her and savouring the first flutters and quivers, the pleasure rushing through her intensifying as he felt her start to contract harder and harder around his fingers. “Oh Gerard, please, PLEASE, oh God, oh God, OH GOD-“  
Her body arched up off the bed and she screamed his name, feeling her body shaking as she came, and then she was lying flat on her back on the bed again, her legs sprawled apart and her face red and flushed as she gasped for breath. “Oh God, Gerard…”  
“Was that slow enough for you?” Gerard crawled back up the bed and collapsed lazily onto the pillow beside her, pulling her in for a passionate kiss.  
“Oh yeah…” Erin was still gasping for breath, her red hair clinging to her face with sweat. “Oh God, I love you…”  
Gerard laughed. “Even though you called me a bastard?”  
“Even though I called you a bastard.” Erin smiled softly and took his hand in hers. “I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings too much for you not to want to make love to me again…”  
Gerard smiled. “Never…” He squeezed Erin’s hand as she grinned and pulled him on top of her, stroking her hair and cradling her face in his hands as he kissed her deeply, pushing gently inside her. “You could NEVER hurt my feelings that badly…”  
Erin raised her eyebrows. “So you just want me for sex?”  
“Not in a million years… you’re the most important thing in my life…” Gerard kept kissing her, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs as he started to push deeper. “Does that feel good?”  
“Oh yes, oh yes…” Erin wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him tightly against her body. “Harder, harder, please…”  
Thank God. Gerard began to move faster and harder, the jolts of pleasure shooting faster and faster through him. “Jesus, Erin…”  
“Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard…” Erin wrapped her legs around his hips and started to thrust herself upwards, rubbing herself frantically against him and crying out as she felt him start to push deeper and deeper inside her, unable to resist the urge to be as deep inside of her as he possibly could. “You feel so good, you always feel so good…”  
“Christ, Erin, you feel amazing, I love feeling this close to you, I just want to be as deep inside of you as I can…” Gerard buried his face in the side of her neck, kissing her over and over. “Erin, you’re all I think about, I love you, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Erin clung to him, warm beats of pleasure spreading rapidly through her body. “Oh, please, harder, harder…” She felt Gerard start to push harder and deeper and screamed, her arms tightening around his back as the pleasure intensified. “Oh, oh Gerard, Gerard, this feels incredible, don’t stop, please don’t stop…”  
“Trust me, I won’t.” Gerard grinned and kissed her passionately, his breath catching in his throat as Erin pulled herself even closer, desperately rubbing herself against him as the pleasure rushing through her body became more and more intense. “Erin, Erin, Erin…” The jolts shooting through him were getting stronger and stronger, and he started to push deeper and deeper inside her, kissing her deeply.  
Erin swore quietly, her fingernails leaving deep scratches in his back. “Oh Gerard, oh that feels so good…”  
“Oh Erin, all I ever want is for you to feel good…” He kissed her passionately, his hands in her hair.  
“Mmmm, I know…” She kept kissing him, lifting her hips as a hot rush of pleasure spread through her body. “You feel so good, Gerard, I just want you to make love to me all day…”  
“Oh God, that sounds like fun…” Gerard was breathing hard, his breath in her mouth as she kissed him frantically. “Oh Erin… Erin, you feel amazing, oh my God, this feels amazing…”  
“Oh Jesus, Gerard…” Erin was running her hands across his back, leaving deep claw marks on his shoulders as she felt herself starting to quiver inside. “I love you so much…”  
“I know, Erin, I know.” Gerard kissed her gently, feeling her body start to shake beneath his and the first flutters deep inside her. “Erin, you’re my life…”  
“Gerard…” Erin’s body began to push up against his as she gasped for breath, convulsions of pleasure beginning to spread through her. “Gerard, I think…”  
“I know, I know…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her, burying his face in her hair and breathing in her scent as she screamed his name, her body shaking violently and contracting around him as she came, grabbing the sides of his face in her hands and kissing him roughly. A second later he came himself, a heavy jolt of pleasure punching him in the gut and his whole body trembling. “Oh Jesus, oh Erin…” He smiled and kissed her again. “I love you so, Erin…” He kept kissing her, stroking the sides of her face. “I love you so, so much…”  
“I love you too.” Erin smiled back, kissing the mottled burn scars on his arms and shoulders, tracing her fingertips gently across the ones marking his back. “Even if you are a ‘Fookin Brit’…”  
Gerard laughed and kissed her again, stroking her cheek. “Hell, I’ve been called worse.”  
Erin shrugged. “I don’t know, in Derry that’s pretty much the worst thing you can call someone…” She started laughing as he started to kiss her all over her face, trying to swat him away. “Gerard, you asshole, you’re going to cover my face in hickeys and my grandparents will both have heart attacks when we get home!”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her. “So now I’m an asshole as well as a bastard?”  
“Yup” Erin tried and failed to hide a smile. “Total asshole. One who builds weird machines for me all the time, and then tells me endless stories about the machines, and about what the inventors of the machines did…”  
“Yup.” Gerard raised his eyebrows at her. “You know, I built you an Enigma machine too.”  
Erin frowned. “A what?”  
Gerard grinned. “Well, during the Second World War, there was something called the Enigma machine that encrypted messages, and we can use them to talk to each other without your grandparents being able to understand us because the entire Allied forces couldn’t decode them until they developed a new version of a Polish cryptanalysis machine called the bomba. Now, what’s really fascinating about 1940s mechanical cryptanalysis is-“  
“GERARD.” Erin rolled her eyes. “We have talked about this. THIS IS SO NOT DIRTY TALK.”  
He leaned in and kissed her neck, whispering into her ear. “Yes, but what we send back and forth between the Enigmas can be…”  
Erin shook her head. “Jesus, Gerard, but you’re a nerd.”  
“I am.” He smiled. “And yet you still love me.”  
“I do.” Erin stroked the side of his face, smiling up at him. “And I always will.”  
Gerard smiled again. “And just wait until I show you what the Tesla induction coil I’m building can do.”  
“Christ.” Erin slapped her hand over her face. “Remind me again why I just said that?”  
“Because I will always love you.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her gently. “And because I built you an Enigma AND a Marconi wireless…”  
“Gerard, it is SO not because of that.” Erin smiled and kissed him. “But I still will.”


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just accidentally slept for 16 hours. This is the result of waking up at 6am and being bored (and having five more chapters waiting.)

April 1, 1972

“Oh, this hot stone thing is so weird but it feels so GOOD! What did you say these things are again?” Erin had to fight the urge to stretch.  
“Volcanic rock.” The massage therapist smiled. “I hear you’re expecting some kind of message on that thing at some point?” She gestured at the Marconi wireless Gerard had built, which was sitting on the counter in front of them.  
“Yes.” Erin rolled her eyes. “My boyfriend is… well, kind of a nerd…”  
“Where did he get it?” The massage therapist finished placing the stones along Erin’s spine and began to massage her skin in smooth, circular strokes.  
“He MADE it.” Erin grinned. “And another one for himself, so he can radio in here.”  
“He made that?!” The therapist stared at it. “Wow, that is… something…”  
“He is definitely that.” Erin closed her eyes. “But, luckily, he is also a crazy romantic…”  
“Well, personally, I think THAT is crazy romantic.” The therapist smiled. “So how does it work as a radio? I know Teresa spent about an hour and lost two false nails trying to mount that big antenna on it earlier, but is there a speaker in there too or something?”  
“No, it’s all dots and dashes that print out on that long roll of paper. He bought me a Morse code dictionary as well, and presented me with it at 5 in the morning along with a huge book about Marconi.” Erin made a face. “The worst part is, he can actually READ it, right off the paper. I mean, like normal people read the actual alphabet.”  
“Wow.” The therapist shook her head. “When’s it going to go off?”  
“I don’t know.” Erin sighed. “I know he’s lugging his out to the middle of the maze, so probably once he gets there.”  
The therapist looked shocked. “He’s taking one of those things out to the maze?! That huge thing?!”  
“Yeah. It would have been even bigger, but he ‘used transistors instead of valves’ which is apparently a crime against humanity, going off the look on his face. Then he started ranting about some physicist and about how he’d used a kind that hadn’t been available until about eight years ago, but he had to because they were ‘only ten micrometres long’. I had to sleep with him just to make him stop, and then he went off about something called the Enigma machine instead.” Erin rolled her eyes again. “Honestly, I think the main reason he chose this place is so he could nerd out over Marconi the whole time.”  
“I think the main reason he chose this place is because he loves you. We’re probably the best hotel in Ireland.” The therapist raised her eyebrows. “Why’d you come here? Engagement, or-“  
“My eighteenth birthday. No engagement yet.” Erin stared longingly at her bare left ring finger. “Maybe my grandma was right about men not buying the cow if you gave the milk away for free.”  
“Erin, I think we both know that’s not true.” The therapist shook her head. “What does Gerard say?”  
“He keeps saying he’s working on it, so maybe my daddy said no when he asked, but you’d think he wouldn’t care about that, however much he knows I love my dad, right?” Erin thought about it. “I mean, yeah, he grew up in Monaghan, I guess, but he did live in England for a while too…”  
“If your daddy is that important to you, Gerard strikes me as the kind of boy who would care about that.” The therapist nodded to herself approvingly. “But if he can build one of those things, I bet he can get a yes out of your daddy soon enough.”  
“You’ve not met my daddy. It’s only me and him, I don’t have a mother or any brothers and sisters, so he’s kind of overprotective.” Erin picked at her fingernails.  
The therapist smiled. “I think all Irish fathers are of their daughters, especially when they only have the one. He probably adores you.”  
“Yeah…” Erin quickly wiped her eyes. “I don’t get to see him much, so even though I’m glad to see him when I do, it’s still kind of sad because I spend the whole time dreading when he has to leave… but yesterday when I saw him with Gerard, it wasn’t like that as much, because I knew Gerard would be there with me when he left. It was the first time I’d had that. Normally… normally, when my dad leaves, I’m all alone.”  
“He doesn’t drop you back home when he has to go?” The therapist started to move the stones, replacing them with reheated ones. “When I was seventeen, I was lucky if my father let me walk to a friend’s house on my own if he had even the sniff that I had a boyfriend, let alone let me travel proper places on my own.”  
“No, normally my dad…” Erin swallowed. “Well, normally he drops me at a bus station near the border, and I get a bus back into the north and back to Derry from there. It’s… complicated. He can’t come to Derry much anymore. Too risky.”  
“Ah.” The therapist finished replacing the stones.  
“Yeah. ‘Ah’.” Erin wiped her eyes again. “I understand, I do, but I wish things didn’t have to be so… so… well, difficult. Sometimes I need my daddy and he’s just not there, and it’s not like I even know WHERE he is. Sometimes I wonder if Gerard will even get the chance to ask him…” She stared at the floor. “Dad called this morning to say happy birthday and he says there are all these huge riots in Derry, so it’s probably a good thing I’m not there. It would be like they were all angry that I was finally allowed to buy my own drinks in the bar.” She paused. "Plus, being here means no one gets the chance to pull the 'I bet your mother felt like an April Fool!' joke."  
“Well, hopefully this massage will make you feel a bit better, honey.” The therapist started to massage Erin’s back in long, slow strokes. “That’s what it’s designed to do. Releases lots of endorphins makes you relax, and eases tension.”  
“That sounds great.” Erin closed her eyes again. “I would LOVE to relax…” She smiled to myself. “And Gerard always knows how to make me feel better too. He’s taking me to Rathmullan House in Donegal at the end of July, so hopefully I can see my dad then.”  
“ANOTHER trip away to a posh hotel? VERY nice.” The therapist sounded a little envious.  
“Yeah, it’s to celebrate leaving school and the end of exams. I’m going to Queens in September and Gerard is coming to Belfast with me, so I guess it’s also to celebrate moving in together there too… not that I’ll tell my grandparents about that part. As far as they’re concerned, I live in a student room and he lives in a separate house.” Erin grinned. “He’s not going to a university this year, but he’s pulling straight As here and he did at his first school too, so he’s going to try for Queens next year to do Physics or Engineering.”  
“Wow, big step…” The therapist moved the stones around Erin’s back. “Are you excited?”  
“Yup. Definitely. We’re already looking into finding a place, probably somewhere on the Falls Road.” Erin sighed. “I just wish we could get married… he keeps talking about being together forever, and having kids, but he never actually DOES anything about it. Can’t you see how that would be frustrating?”  
“I can, but he’s given you a pre-authorised unlimited use of our facilities, so if you need to relax and forget about all this stress, this is the place to do it.” The therapist smiled. “What do you want to do next?”  
“Well, I can’t have acupuncture because my boyfriend is seriously phobic about needles… I mean, actually phobic. It’s not just that he doesn’t like them, it’s that he would probably pass out on the spot if he found out that I had had acupuncture when his credit card bill came in. He wants a tattoo so bad he actually draws on himself, but he can’t make himself get one.” Erin paused. “So… I was thinking maybe a beauty treatment?”  
“Facial and moisturising mask? Sure. It’ll make your skin glow beautifully, and your Gerard won’t know what hit him when he sees you tonight at dinner.”  
“I hope so.” Erin bit her lip. “I’m worried he might be getting bored of me. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to commit to me yet… he’s trying to keep a way out if he decides he doesn’t want me any more.”  
“Well, did he buy you that?” The therapist pointed at her necklace.  
“Yeah.” Erin smiled and touched the roots flaring out from the two ends of the chain. “He did. He gave it to me this morning.”  
“And he built you that thing too?” She pointed at the Marconi.  
Erin went red. “Yes.”  
“Then I SERIOUSLY doubt he is getting bored of you.” The therapist laughed. “That is a LOT of effort… and if that necklace is real, a fair bit of cash.”  
“That’s true. He was probably saving for that for months.” Erin smiled. “You’re right, I’m being stupid.“ She swung her legs off the massage table and hopped down. “So, is this moisturising thing really good?”  
“Definitely.” The therapist finished putting the stones away and fetched a tub of exfoliating scrub. “Now, first I’m going to massage this over your skin, and the grains in it might sting a bit-“  
The Marconi wireless suddenly burst into life and started loudly punching out a message on the paper, making them both jump.  
“Jesus, but that thing’s loud when you’re meant to be relaxing… I think it just undid the entire massage…” The therapist tutted. “Now, let me think, who did he pay to translate it again? Oh, yeah.” She stuck her head out of the door. “Teresa!”  
“Is the blasted thing actually working?! God damn it…” The salon receptionist slouched in reluctantly with the Morse dictionary. “This damned language just makes no sense. I’d have given him his hundred pounds back or told someone else to do it, but I’d already spent the money on shoes.”  
“I can’t believe it actually works…” Erin was staring at it. “I mean, I do, he’s a genius at stuff like this, but… he actually built me this complicated working replica of something that was so important to him, and he did it just because he loves me…” She shook her head. “That’s… that IS crazy romantic…”  
“It says…” Teresa was rapidly scanning the dictionary. “It just says ‘Hello did you wear the black two piece’.”  
“Strike that, now it’s not.” Erin thought about it. “Actually, wait… could you try sending ‘Hello it is Erin and you are being a creep’ back?”  
“Sure… uh, how do I do it?” Teresa was examining the machine in confusion.  
“He told me it’s the tapper thing… you tap it for a dot and hold it for a second for a dash.” Erin paused. “You know, I could have spent my whole life happily not knowing that, but instead I have a part of my brain I can never get back…”  
“OK…” Teresa started hesitantly tapping out letters, and Erin bit her lip, hoping he hadn’t already packed his up and that he would actually understand it.  
There was a pause, and then the machine hammered out a new message.  
“What is it? What is it?” Erin looked up excitedly.  
“‘I love you’.” Teresa smiled. “Oh, that’s so sweet.”  
The therapist raised her eyebrows at her as she smoothed exfoliant over Erin’s face. “Does he do stuff like this a lot?”  
“Yes.” Erin grinned. “He built me an Enigma machine too, so we can talk without my grandparents being able to eavesdrop and check that we weren’t up to ‘shenanigans’. Since we’re here alone and sharing a bed… well, clearly we are.” She blushed and looked at the floor. “The machine’s in his engineering and electronics workshop back in Derry. He told me about it last night in bed and he said that if the entire Allied military couldn’t crack it, my grandparents never would… but he doesn’t know my grandmother like I do. If there are shenanigans afoot, she will discover them.” She looked at Teresa. “Say ‘I love you too’.”  
Teresa slowly tapped it out, and a second later the machine punched out a very short message.  
Erin smiled. “What did he say?”  
“It just says ‘CQD’. Teresa frowned, flipping through the dictionary. “That can’t be right…”  
“It is.” Erin sighed. “It’s the international distress signal sent by the Titanic. It means he’s lost in the maze. He has NO sense of direction…” She rolled her eyes and got up. “I’ll be right back, I should go rescue him- no, wait, my dad showed me a trick at the Donegal Harvest Festival when I was nine, in the hay maze.” She took the hated Morse dictionary from Teresa and tapped out ‘Keep going left and yes I am wearing the black two piece’.  
The machine immediately started hammering out a message and Erin scanned the printed symbols and the dictionary. “‘I love you so much.’ Oh, that’s adorable…” She tapped out ‘I love you too’ and then stopped abruptly. “Oh man…” She covered her face with her hands. “No one tell him that this Marconi shit is going to get him laid after all, or God only knows what he’ll build me next…”


	22. Chapter 22

April 1, 1972

“You told me my nerd machines would NEVER get me laid.” Gerard was looking at her smugly as he lay on her back beside her.  
“They didn’t.” Erin looked away. “It was, you know, a coincidence…”  
“Yeah, and that’s why you ripped my clothes off the second you got back from the spa without even a ‘hello’.” Gerard rolled onto his side and kissed her cheek.  
Erin went bright red. “Shut up.”  
Gerard laughed quietly and stroked her cheek. “Does this mean you’ll use the Enigma machine for dirty talk?”  
Erin rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’ll use the Enigma machine for dirty talk.”  
He raised his eyebrows . “And you’ll look at the Tesla coil?”  
Erin grumbled quietly. “Yes, I’ll look at the damn Tesla coil.”  
Gerard ran his hand slowly down her side. “What about my transistor version of Babbage’s Difference Engine?”  
“Gerard, stop it.” Erin looked at him, barely hiding a laugh. “You are not going to get laid AGAIN on your weird machines.”  
“I bet I am.” Gerard grinned and started to kiss the side of her face, whispering into her ear. “You know, I’ve never talked dirty on an Enigma machine before…”  
“Thank God.” Erin grimaced. “I’d hate to think there was more than one girl in the world who’d let you talk dirty to her on a World War 2 Nazi code machine.”  
“I bet there are.” Gerard looked hurt. “I think the Enigma machine is cool.”  
“Yeah, but you’re a the biggest nerd I’ve ever met.” Erin looked at him and smiled. “And I really hope you’re not looking for any of these ‘cool’ girls…”  
“I’m not.” He leaned in and kissed her again. “I already have a cool girl.”  
“Where are you keeping her?” Erin rolled onto her side. “Because I think I just tore your clothes off because you built me a weird radio and then got lost in a maze.”  
“You did.” Gerard still looked smug. “And because you love me…”  
Erin smiled. “And because I love you.” She laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arm around him. “Gerard, thank you for this trip, and for my necklace, and for my radio. The necklace is… beautiful, and I love the sentiment. It’s just gorgeous.”  
“Consider it an engagement to get engaged.” Gerard kissed this top of her head and put his arms around her. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.” Erin smiled contentedly and kissed his chest, a wide grin on her face as she held her necklace tightly in her hand. “Gerard, I’m just so glad we’re here…”  
“You’ll probably be glad to get home though.” Gerard kissed her forehead. “I bet you miss Derry.”  
“No.” Erin shook her head. “Not really. Not right now.”  
“Why?” Gerard pulled back and gave her an odd look. “You love Derry.”  
“Yes, I do, but…” Erin chewed her lip. “Gerard… Gerard, look, I hate to mention this on my birthday, but we need to talk.”  
Uh oh. Gerard’s eyes widened. That was never a good thing to hear. Come on, Gerard. She’s not going to dump you when you still have three days together here. She’s not going to dump you, because she just tore your clothes off. She’s definitely not pregnant, because she’s still taking the Pill every day. Sound calm. “Oh… yes?”  
“Well…” Erin hesitated. “Gerard, it’s… Caitlin told me something really scary when she called earlier.”  
“Damn it, Caitlin…” Gerard sighed. “Erin, stop listening to her. She’s nuts. The last time Caitlin spoke to me, she told me she thought the Devil was stealing her socks to ‘test’ her. The girl is either delusional or so stupid I’m amazed anyone who goes to the supermarket she works at ever gets the right change.”  
Erin smacked his hand. “No, Gerard, this is serious, and I want you to listen to me!” She took a deep breath. “Gerard, the OIRA just kidnapped and killed a British soldier from his house, near where we live in Derry. They came and took him from his parents’ house, and then they shot him and left him out in the street.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry, Erin.” Gerard looked at her sympathetically. “Did you know him?”  
“No, of course not! I know he only lived a couple of streets away but he was Protestant, where would we even meet?” Erin rolled her eyes impatiently. “Gerard, what I’m saying is… if they did that to him… you’re not from here. You’re from London, and you’re posted here, and you’re here to spy on them. What the hell do you think they’d do to you? It’s a big deal. They’re not just shooting on the street any more, they’re coming and taking people out of their homes in the middle of the night. I’m saying that I’m worried about you coming back to Derry, and a part of me wants you to go hide out in Monaghan until the North reunites with the South and all this is over. You’d never have to go back to the Army ever again.” She looked up at him. “I mean, how long can it be, right?”  
Gerard smiled and stroked her face. “Erin, the local Loyalist population try to kill me almost every day. What could the IRA do that they don’t?”  
Erin frowned. “How is it meant to make me feel better reminding me that drunk idiots like to try to firebomb your house by throwing petrol bombs over the barricade?”  
Gerard hesitated. “Actually… it probably shouldn’t. I’m… well, I’m not good at this, and I’m still trying to move my brain out of the ‘how can I get laid again’ mode…” He thought about it. “I think what I’m trying to say is… the IRA have no idea who I am. I’m just a meaningless kid with a deadbeat father to them. You’ve always known me better than anyone, and even you had no idea until I told you. I think the reason you’re worried isn’t because you really believe they’re going to hurt me, it’s because they already hurt people you love.”  
“No, it’s that I’m worried they’re going to hurt YOU. I’m worried they’re going to come over one night and take you away from me, and that I’ll have to spend the rest of my life never knowing what happened to you. You’re obviously worried too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this thin. It’s not good for you.” Erin took his hand in hers. “I don’t want to come over one day and find your front door wide open and you gone.”  
“Erin, that’s not going to happen.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her. “For one thing, I mean nothing to them. For another, I have nine guns hidden around my house, including a MAC-10 automatic under the couch and another stashed under the bed, and I’m trained in three kinds of serious hand to hand combat. There is absolutely no way anyone is going to get the jump on me, even if ten of them turn up.”  
Erin stared at him. “Why the hell do you have nine guns hidden in your house?”  
“Erin.” Gerard looked at her like she’d lost her mind. “It’s to protect you. I know you’re scared, and I know that if there’s even the slightest chance that it COULD happen, I don’t want them to hurt you. It’s why I cut a hidden door in the back of the wardrobe that leads from the bedroom into the garage. You can push it open and run out the back door if they come in the front.”  
Erin smiled. “Gerard, come on. I’m Eamon Kelly’s daughter. They wouldn’t hurt me.”  
Gerard raised his eyebrows. “Erin, come on. They’d find you literally sleeping with a British soldier. They wouldn’t care whose daughter you were. They WOULD hurt you.”  
Erin thought about it. “OK, yeah, that’s true.”  
“Exactly.” Gerard kissed her hand. “So even though I know that if they send one group, they’ll send another, at least this way I’ll give you the chance to get away before they find you. That’s enough for me.”  
“But it’s not enough for me.” Erin bit her lip and lay back down, wrapping her arm around him and laying her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know what to say. Maybe I’ll feel better when we move to Belfast, but even though I’d miss you… I kind of want you to stay here.” She smiled at him tearfully. “I love you. You’re safe here. I wouldn’t have to worry about you here.”  
“Erin, you will always find another reason to worry.” Gerard squeezed her hand reassuringly. “You lost your whole family. It’s understandable you’re traumatised, and I DO understand, but you really don’t have to worry. I love you. I’m going to take care of you, and all our future kids.” He smiled. “I promise.”  
Erin look at him hopefully. “Forever?”  
“Forever.” Gerard put his arm around her. “And I’m not just saying this to get laid. I promise. In fact, I’m taking getting laid off the table, so you really know I mean it.”  
Erin smiled and kissed him. “Thank you.” She rested her head on his chest, tracing her fingertips across his skin, both of them snuggled up under the blankets and her stomach in knots as she took a deep breath.. “Gerard… do you ever think about the future… you know, SERIOUSLY?”  
“All the time.” Gerard smiled and stroked her hair. “Getting married, moving home to Monaghan, having a bunch of kids-“  
“Monaghan?” Erin looked at him questioningly.  
“Yeah.” Gerard frowned. “I’m sorry, I just assumed you had dual citizenship-“  
“I do, but that’s not the point.” Erin stared at him. “My life is in Derry, Gerard. My whole family is there. Why would you assume I’d up and leave just because I had a kid?”  
Gerard stared right back. “You want to raise our kids in THAT?! Barbed wire, gas, violent murals, walls? Erin, you just had a breakdown about how dangerous it is. You just TOLD me you wanted me to go to Monaghan. Are you…” He swallowed a burst of tears. “Are you breaking up with me?”  
Erin’s mouth fell open. “God, Gerard, NO!” She threw her arms around him and sobbed into his hair, pressing her face against his neck. “How could you even think that?”  
“Because you’ve made it clear that you want to stay in Derry and you’re sending me to Monaghan. That’s why.” Gerard wiped his eyes angrily. “What is it, you’re bored of me?”  
“NO!” Erin shook her head desperately. “No, Gerard, it’s not like that, I’m just scared for you to come to Derry!”  
“You’re scared for me in Derry,” Gerard stared at her. “You’re scared for me, and now you want to raise our KIDS there?”  
“Why not? I love Derry.” Erin sat up and crossed her arms. “One good reason, Gerard. One good reason.”  
“I can think of dozens, because it’s HORRIFIC!” Gerard shook his head in disbelief. “This isn’t a real.childhood for them, Erin! I once sh- I mean, I heard a kid was shot by the Army just for throwing eggs!”  
“Oh, my hometown is horrific, is it?” Erin bristled. “My friends are there. My grandparents are there. My father is there-“  
“Erin, your father is NOT THERE. You have to make long trips to visit him because he is running from the soldiers that ARE THERE!” Gerard gestured angrily at the scars on his body. “Terrible things happen there, Erin. TERRIBLE. Remember Bloody Sunday? Remember how I was shot and lay down to die?”  
Tears started running down Erin’s face. “Of course I do. It was the worst day of my life, sitting there waiting for you, wondering if you’d ever come home… it was awful. I wanted to die myself.”  
“Think about it, Erin.” Gerard gritted his teeth.”Think of what it would have been like if it was our child.”  
“No, Gerard.” Erin’s voice had gone very quiet. “Gerard, please… please, please don’t make me…”  
“I thought so.” Gerard nodded. “And do you HONESTLY want our kids to grow up surrounded by this… this… HORROR?”  
“‘Horror’?” Erin lay back down and glared at him. “I grew up there and you seem to like me just fine.”  
“Erin, you were nearly killed by a bomb when you were three!” Gerard shook his head in disbelief. “I… I…” His voice caught in his throat. “Erin, if there was a bomb again, if you and four of our daughters burned to death too, I… I…” He broke down in tears. “Erin, things are… different for me. I’m not a regular Derry teenager. You know that. If someone blew my cover, and we didn’t find out in time, and something happened to you or our children, I…oh my God, Erin, I just couldn’t… I mean, if you were with someone else you could stay in Derry, so if you don’t want me-”  
“Jesus, Gerard, I’m sorry…” Erin hugged him tight. “It won’t matter, OK? I love you, and I DO want you. If that means moving away from Derry… that’s what we have to do. I’m not saying Moneghan, because Monaghan is the back arse of nowhere, but we can always settle on somewhere like Donegal or Roscommon, and… I’m sorry.” She kissed him. “Anyway, it’s years away yet. I still have to save the world with my political career, you still have to take over the world with your music, so everything will be fine here by the time we have all our beautiful babies.”  
“Yeah.” It won’t. This whole mess is a Gordian knot that’s going to take centuries to cut through. Gerard forced a smile. “I’m sure it will be.”  
“So don’t worry.” She snuggled back up to him, kissing his chest. “It’s so sweet that you worry so much about me…” She looked up at him and smiled. “Do you think they’ll have black hair or red hair?”  
“Well, I hate to break it to you, Erin, but… I dye my hair.” Gerard blushed. “It’s naturally light brown, so… probably not black.” He thought about it. “Although, you know, my mother had black hair, and they do say it skips a generation…”  
“So redheads, brown haired, and black haired. Sounds good.” Erin snuggled in closer to him. “I hope they get your genius and my deviousness. I think that’d be a fun combination.”  
Gerard shuddered. “No way. It sounds like hell.” Erin laughed and wrapped her arm more tightly around his body, “I love you so much…  
Gerard kissed her, stroking her hair. “I love you too.” He started to stroke her hair and looked at her hopefully. “Does this mean you’ll look at my Difference Engine when we get home?”  
Erin frowned. “What the fuck does a Difference Engine even do?”  
Gerard grinned. “Well, it’s really cool, this incredible genius designed it way back in the 1700s but never built it. It’s a working computer that does all these complicated maths equations-“  
“OK, I’ll look at the weird engine thing.” Erin’s eyes narrowed. “But don’t push it.”


	23. 23

Dear Mikey,

We got back from Dromoland today. It was amazing. Completely amazing. She's definitely the girl for me.

Start practicing your best man speech, Mikes.

Love, Gerard XOXO

\- - - - - -

April 5, 1972

“Miss Erin!” Gerard’s neighbour was cheerfully unpacking her shopping. “How are you?”  
“I’m great, Mrs O’Reilly.” Erin smiled. “You?”  
“Ah, I’m good.” Mrs O’Reilly shrugged. “But Erin, would you believe someone left a print of their behind on my car in mud in February? Nothing else, just a definite arse. Now Erin, who would leave a print of their arse on an old lady’s car?”  
“Mrs O’Reilly, that’s terrible!” Erin feigned thought. “Gerard, when was it when we got the boat to Liverpool and you made me that lovely bouquet?”  
“Shut up,” hissed Gerard. “Anyway, you don’t know it was me who fell off my house collecting ivy and left a butt print on her car.”  
Mrs O’Reilly didn’t seem to notice. “Oh, he did? Oh, how sweet. He really is such a lovely young man, it must be so hard with his father away so often but he never complains, and SO polite…”  
“He is lovely.” Erin smiled fondly at him.  
“And you’ve seen his beautiful old car I see?” Mrs O’Reilly shook her head. “I think it was in the back seat of something a little like this that I came about my first daughter, if you can believe it.”  
Ew. Erin managed to hide a face. “Oh… really?”  
“Oh yes, and they really knew how to build a car back then, dents, scuff marks, everything just buffed right on out. Now, when our Maggie goes out with her young man in the Vauxhall, you can be damned well sure it’s coming back with at least one new mark on it. I tell her it takes a hit on the resale and there’ll be no allowance that week, not to mention that she has made the good Lord Jesus cry and must go to confession, but does she stop? No she does not.”  
“Um.” Erin really wasn’t sure what to say. “OK.”  
“Oh, is he your young man come to meet you from school?” Mrs O’Reilly grinned and Gerard inwardly cringed. “Oh, I’ve heard all about his young lady from him of course, you’re all he talks about, he just ADORES you, and he seems very healthy, lots of long runs, so plenty of energy and stamina-“  
“NICE TO SEE YOU BUT WE REALLY MUST LET YOU GO COME ON ERIN-“ Gerard almost dragged Erin inside, slamming the door behind them. “Jesus, but I thought I was going to die of shame…”  
“‘Energy and stamina’, huh?” Erin raised an eyebrow. “Might have to test that out…” She laughed and pulled him back against the door, kissing him frantically. “Oh God, Gerard, Gerard… “ She suddenly hesitated. “We good?”  
Gerard nodded and pointed at the jammer plugged in on the counter, green light on. “Turned it on when I left to get you.” He grinned at her. “I had a feeling this might happen.”  
“Well, SOMEONE’S sure of himself.” Erin laughed. “And quite rightly, because I am SO hot for you right now…” She grabbed the lapels of his blazer, pulled him in close and kissed him passionately, yanking down his tie and throwing his blazer on the floor. He smiled and pinned her wrists to the door, burying his face in the side of her neck and flicking his tongue against her skin as he kissed her.  
“Oh Gerard, oh, that feels so good…” Erin arched her head back, savouring the feeling of his lips and tongue on her neck, her hands inside his shirt and clinging to his back. “Oh, that feels so good…” She angled her hips and started to rub herself slowly against him, a warm, beating pleasure beginning to spread through her body as she straddled his legs.  
“Christ, Erin…” Gerard tore open the front of her shirt and kept kissing her, tracing tantalising circles with his fingertips as Erin’s breathing became heavier and heavier, jolts of pleasure beating through her, “Erin, you taste amazing…”  
“So do you…” His mouth was back on hers, kissing her deeply as he thrust up against her, pushing her body further against the door as his hands traced slowly down her sides, and then gripped the sides of her waist so tightly that she could barely breathe. “Gerard…” The pleasure was beating through her harder and harder as his hips pushed more and more insistently against hers, his fingertips digging deep into her skin as she breathed his name into his ear. “Oh, Gerard…”  
Gerard grinned at her and started to kiss her neck. electric tingles shooting through her body and hot waves starting to spread outwards as he flicked his tongue against her skin, her hips involuntarily thrusting upwards and sending a heavy jolt of pleasure through her body as she rubbed hard against him, pushing harder and harder as he kissed her, both arms wrapped tightly around her back and pulling her as close as possible.  
“Oh God, oh God, oh Gerard…” Erin could feel herself start to tremble as a heavy pounding sensation of pleasure started to spread through her. “Oh God…”  
“Erin…” Gerard kissed her passionately, his hands in her hair as he felt her body shake. “Erin…”  
“Oh… oh…. Oh my GOD…” Erin’s legs clamped tightly around his as she came, every muscle in her body contracting and overwhelming waves of pleasure beating through her. “Oh… oh Gerard… oh, Gerard…” She collapsed against his chest, clinging to his shirt, and he smiled, stroking her back. “Was that OK?”  
Erin nodded breathlessly. “Yes… yes, more, more…” She pulled him across the room and they fell onto the couch, kissing frantically as Gerard pulled off her blouse and unsnapped her kilt.  
“Erin, I love you so much…“  
“I love you too.” Erin kissed him deeply, finally ripping off his shirt. “I love you too, it’s…” Her breath caught as she felt his fingers slip inside her underwear, stroking and rubbing and kneading, and every muscle in her body trembled. “Oh Gerard, oh, that feels so good…”  
Gerard smiled and kept kissing her, pushing off his pants and shoes with one hand and pressing his body as hard as he could against hers as she held his face in her hands. “Erin…” He ran his hand up her side as he touched her, flicking open the back of her bra and stroking the side of her neck with his thumb as his fingers brushed through her hair. “Oh, Erin…”  
“Yes, Gerard, yes, please…” Erin threw her bra on the floor and pushed off his underwear, and then wrapped her arms tightly around his back, kicking her own panties onto the floor as he began to kiss the side of her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair and her skin. “Oh Gerard…” She turned her head and kissed his hair, stroking his back with her fingers as she started to kiss the side of his neck, her arms tightening around his body. The pleasure was rushing through her faster and faster as he touched her and she began to thrust her hips upwards, pushing against his fingers.  
Gerard murmured to himself, breathing more and more heavily as she pushed up against him, moving his fingers faster and faster. Erin swore quietly and he felt her body begin to tremble beneath his as he moved his fingers skillfully, and he smiled, leaned down and kissed her gently, and then more and more passionately as she grabbed at his hair. “Erin, Erin, Erin, you’re perfect, you are…”  
“Oh Gerard… oh… oh Gerard…” Erin could barely get the words out between kisses. “Oh… oh, that… that feels so good, SO GOOD…”  
“Oh yes…” Gerard pushed a finger inside her and she moaned, pushing against his hand. “Oh, Erin, you’re killing me, I swear…”  
“Oh God, oh GOD, OH GOD, OH JESUS!” A red flush was spreading up Erin’s neck as pleasure pounded overwhelmingly through her body, and Gerard pulled her close and kissed her passionately as she clung to his back, her hands tightening. “Oh Gerard, oh God, oh… OH, GERARD-”  
Erin came violently as she pushed up against his body, screaming his name as tears ran down her face. “Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard…”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her. “I love you, Erin.”  
“I just love you so, so much….” She kissed him over and over and over, stroking his face. “And guess what, Romance Boy? FULL SHEET.”  
“FULL SHEET? STILL?!” Gerard had to fight the urge to fist-bump her again.  
“Yeah…” Erin smiled up at him, her face flushed. “You know what that means…”  
Gerard grinned. “Oh yeah…” He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, leaned in, and kissed her passionately, feeling her let out a long sigh as he pushed inside her. “Oh, Christ, Erin, that feels incredible, I’m actually touching you, touching YOU, nothing between us…” He kissed her gently. “It feels so, so wonderful.”  
“It does, Gerard, it does…” Erin started to lift her hips, pushing herself further and further onto him as he pushed deeper inside her. “Harder, Gerard, oh Christ, harder…”  
“Erin…” Gerard began to kiss her neck, pushing harder and harder and desperate for the sheer pleasure of being able to push as hard and deep as he craved, excruciating tendrils of pleasure spreading through him. “Erin, I have never felt so close to anyone in my life…”  
“Neither have I…” Erin kissed him hard, pulling him down so every inch of his body was pressed against hers as a steady warmth began to spread through her. “I love you…” She slid her hands slowly up his sides to tangle in his hair and hold his forehead against hers, their lips brushing together gently. “Gerard, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too, Erin…” Gerard’s hands were on the side of her face, clinging to her as he kissed her frantically and started to move faster and faster. “You’re perfect…” He bit his lip and stroked her face. “I will love you forever, Erin, I swear… and that’s not just a line, I love you, and I will love you forever… thank you for being with me, thank you for loving me, thank you for caring about me, thank you for… for…”  
“I love you too…” Erin kissed him gently, a hot pleasure spreading from where Gerard was touching her and tears in his eyes. She smiled at him and cradled the sides of his face in her hands, kissing him gently over and over again. “I love you, Gerard. I love you more than anyone or anything in this world.” Suddenly she felt herself tearing up, tears running down her face. “I love you so much, I can’t lose you…” She began to sob. “So, so much, I can’t even describe, I love you, I love you, oh, I love you so so much, if something happened to you, if something happened because of me, or because of my dad…”  
“Hey, Erin, hey…” Gerard kissed the tears off her cheeks and laid his forehead on hers, stroking her face. He wasn’t sure that women breaking into semi-hysterical tears during sex were a great endorsement of his sexual prowess. Or said women bringing up their dads. Or both. Either way, both seemed pretty bad. “Erin, I love you. I need you as much as you need me, and I promise you it’ll be OK. I’m yours. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He smiled and stroked her hair, leaning in and kissing her deeply. “I love you. It’s OK. Everything’s OK.”  
“I just love you so much…”Erin buried her head in the side of his neck, breathing in the scent of his hair and his skin, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him in as close to her as she possibly could, breathing heavily as pleasure pounded faster and faster through her body. “Oh Gerard, oh that feels so good…  
“Erin, oh Erin…” He kissed her passionately, his hands in her hair. “Tell me that feels good…”  
“Mmmmm, yes, yes, it does…“ Erin kept kissing him, smiling against his lips and lifting her hips as more and more jolts of pleasure spread through her body. “You taste so good, Gerard, I just want you to make love to me all night…”  
Christ. Gerard’s eyes widened. “That sounds like so much fun…” He was breathing hard now, his breath in her mouth as she kissed him frantically. “Oh Erin… Erin, you feel so good, and we are so skipping school tomorrow, oh my God, this feels amazing…”  
“It does, it does…” Erin began to kiss his chest, stroking his back. “I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Gerard hugged her tightly, his face in her hair. “You’re everything, Erin.”  
“I am?” Erin looked up at him, her face flushed and her breathing heavy, and he smiled and kissed her.  
“Yes.” Gerard smiled and stroked her face. “You are.”  
“Oh Gerard…” Erin could barely breathe, the pleasure beginning to overwhelm her. “Gerard, you’re my life too, you are, oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin held her forehead against his, looking closely into his eyes and stroking his cheek. “Oh, Gerard… I love you more than anything, that I mean so much to you, that you ADMIT I mean so much to you… I just… I love that…” Erin smiled softly, her hands sliding down his back. “I love that you know me better than I do…”  
“And I love that your hands are grabbing my ass.” Gerard grinned and kissed her again.  
Erin laughed. “Well, honesty is important in a relationship-“ She felt him start to push harder and harder inside her snd swore. “Oh God, Gerard…” Erin could feel pleasure pounding through her entire body now. “Gerard, Gerard, GERARD…”  
“Erin, Erin, oh Erin…” Gerard rested her forehead on hers, looking closely into her eyes. “I love you, Erin…”  
“Gerard…” Erin kissed him deeply, her arms wrapped around his waist and hugging him close. “Gerard, Gerard, oh God, oh that feels so good, harder, harder, oh, oh, oh God…”  
“Oh Erin…” Gerard pressed himself tightly against her entire body, pushing deeper and deeper inside her. “OH GOD, Erin, that feels so good…”  
“Gerard…” Erin’s body was starting to tense, the flutters inside her growing more and more intense. “Oh, that’s so good, right there, Gerard, right there…”  
“Oh Jesus, Erin…” Gerard could feel jolts of pleasure shooting through him and swore to himself. “Oh Erin, that feels fantastic, you always feel fantastic, but this is incredible…”  
“Oh Gerard, Gerard, I’m… I’m going to… oh God…” Erin bit her lip, tears in her eyes as she clung to him.  
“I know, I know, so am I…” Gerard could feel her nails scraping deep into his back as he cradled the sides of her face in his hands, looking into her eyes. “Erin…”  
“Gerard, I-“ Erin’s body pushed up against Gerard’s as she came with a loud cry, her body arching and hips pushing hard against his as she breathed his name over and over and over. A second later, Gerard felt an almost excruciating punch of pleasure in his stomach as he came and murmured her name over and over, kissing her passionately as he fell exhausted on top of her. “Erin…” He smiled, turned his head to kiss her cheek and held her close, stroking her hair and breathing her name into her ear. “I love you so much… you’re just my life, Erin.”  
“Gerard, I love you too…” She clung to him, burying her face in the side of his neck, and suddenly he felt tears pooling against his skin. “Oh God, I love you, I love you so much…You’re the most important thing in my life. That’s why I worry, not because I think you’re weak or you don’t love me, but… because I love you. I need you.” She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. “I can’t live without you, Gerard… I think I’d die…”  
He smiled and kissed her gently. “I know.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early post in case of seizure disrupting usual weekend posting... so enjoy!

April 5th, 1972

“So Gerard…” Erin ran her her fingertips across his skin, laughing to herself as she felt him shiver. “So… full sheet, all that STAMINA… I’d hate to waste all that.” She raised an eyebrow. “Again?”  
Christ. Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Jesus, Erin, why don’t we decide to cut class and spend the whole day in bed more often…”  
“We’ve covered this already, Gerard. It’s because you’re a stupid, stupid man.” Erin smiled softly and kissed him. “But you’re MY stupid, stupid man.”  
“I am.” Gerard kissed her gently. “You really don’t have to worry about me, Erin. I can look out for myself. I love you. You love me. That’s all that matters, I promise.” He kissed her again. “I’ll be fine. I promise.” He faked a cough. “So, I believe you said something about again?”  
“Maybe…” Erin smiled lazily. “Just as long as you show me it’s worth it, Romance Boy…”  
“Well…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her ear. “Normally, I’d start by slowly removing your clothes, but…” He kissed her ear. “But instead I’m just going to kiss you all over…”  
Erin felt a frisson of excitement, a thrill of pleasure radiating through her from anticipation alone. “Oh, that sounds wonderful…” She felt him start to kiss down the side of her neck and smiled, arching her head back as he kissed her, feeling him flick his tongue into the hollow at the base of her throat. “Oh, Gerard, that feels GOOD…”  
Erin felt him smile against her shoulder as he kissed the length of her collarbone, his mouth lingering on her skin as he moved down towards her chest. “You’re so beautiful, Erin…” He started to kiss her breasts, licking and kissing every inch of them as she squirmed beneath him. “Erin, oh God, your skin tastes so good…”  
“Oh, Gerard…Pleasure was beginning to spread through her body, and Erin started to lift her hips as he flicked his tongue into her navel. “Mmm, I love you…”  
“I love you too…” He gently spread her legs and started to kiss her inner thighs, swirling his tongue around her skin as Erin swore quietly, pleasure beating powerfully through her body.  
“Oh… oh Gerard… oh, that feels so good…” Erin could feel her breath hitching and catching. “Oh, oh, don’t stop, don’t stop…”  
Gerard smiled and started to kiss her between her legs, slipping his tongue inside her as she cried out. “Erin, you taste so, so good…”  
“Oh Gerard, I…” She felt him start to suck gently on her and almost choked, electric jolts of pleasure exploding through every nerve. “Oh GOD, Gerard!”  
Gerard grinned. “Worth it?”  
“WORTH IT?! HELL YES!” Erin was breathing hard, the warm pounding waves of pleasure spreading upwards and her body thrusting upwards. Gerard started to push his fingers in and out of her and she screamed, her entire body arching off the bed. “Oh Gerard, OH GERARD…”  
Gerard smiled and kept kissing and stroking and licking, starting to rub slowly back and forth with his thumb.  
“Gerard…” Erin bit down hard on her lip. “Oh my God, harder, harder…”  
He looked up at her. “Harder?”  
“Yes, yes, harder, oh…” Erin was flushed and sweating heavily, waves of pleasure pounding through her faster and faster. “Oh, Gerard, that feels so good…”  
“Oh it does, it does…” Gerard could feel her start to push up against his face and began to kiss her harder, pushing two fingers inside of her and listening to her scream as she started to thrust herself against them. He began to move his fingers faster, kissing and licking, and felt Erin’s body start to shake. “Erin, you taste fantastic…” He started to lick and stroke faster, slipping his tongue in and out of her, and she screamed, pleasure pounding overpoweringly through her. “Oh Jesus, oh Christ, oh, oh, oh…” Erin could feel her body start to arch. “Oh Gerard, oh, oh, oh oh oh OH OH GERARD OH-“  
Erin came hard against Gerard’s face, her body convulsing violently, and finally collapsed exhausted onto the couch, breathing his name over and over and barely able to move.  
“Erin…” Gerard crawled back up the bed and she weakly reached up and pulled his body down, pressing it against her own. “Oh, oh, Erin…”  
“Gerard… that was amazing.” Erin pulled him in and kissed him, her hands in his hair.  
“It was.” Gerard started to kiss the side of her neck. “Erin, you are so wonderful…” Suddenly his mouth was on hers, kissing her passionately. “So, so wonderful…”  
“Mmmm, I love you…” Erin smiled and kissed him, stroking his face.  
“Mmmmmmm, I love you more.” Gerard grinned and kissed the tip of her nose.  
“Seriously.” Erin looked carefully into his eyes. “I love you, Gerard. Forever.”  
“I love you too, Erin.” He kissed her gently, looking back into her eyes. “Forever.”  
“You know…” Erin looked up at him, tilting her head and breaking into a smile. “I believe you.” She reached out for him and wrapped her legs around his hips, pulling him deep inside her. “Gerard, make love to me… I want you to show me how much you love me… I want to feel it…”  
“Jesus, Erin, that feels incredible…” He held the sides of her face in his hands, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. “  
“Gerard…” She kissed him, pushing hard against his hips and savouring the wonderful jolts of pleasure, feeling the warmth start to spread again as he cradled her face in his hands, his forehead against hers and their lips brushing together. “Please, please, faster…”  
Gerard smiled. “Erin, I swear you are the most incredible girl in the world…”  
“But I’m still not worth all the sneaking around you have to do.” She smiled sadly, leaned in and kissed him hard, wrapping her arms tightly around his back. “Please, keep going, I love you, I love you so much…”  
“Oh, Erin, I love you too, and you’re worth it, I promise, you’ll always be worth it, you’re worth anything…” Gerard started to kiss her passionately, pushing more deeply inside her, and Erin’s body started to shake as she breathed his name over and over, clinging to his back as the jolts of pleasure became faster and more intense. “Oh Gerard… Gerard, oh, you feel so good, that feels amazing, harder, harder…”  
“It does, oh yes, oh God…” Gerard pulled her closer, kissing the side of her neck. “Oh, you feel amazing, oh, oh Erin, oh…”  
“Gerard…” Erin kissed him hard. “Gerard, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too.” He pressed his lips against her forehead and then held his forehead against hers, kissing the tears off her cheeks. “Erin…”  
She smiled up at him, a glow of happiness filling her body. “Oh, Gerard, that feels so good, keep going, please…” She could feel heavy jolts of pleasure shooting through her as he pushed deeper and deeper inside her and she swore quietly to herself. “Jesus, Gerard…”  
“Erin…” He started to kiss the side of her neck as her head arched backwards into the couch cushions, her fingernails clawing at his back and her toes wrinkling the sheets. “Oh Erin, you feel so good, you feel amazing…”  
“Gerard…” Erin’s whole body was shaking, her mind overcome by the waves of pleasure pounding through her. “Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard,” She clung to him, pushing her hips against his as hard as she could and feeling her body arch. “Gerard, Gerard, I love you so much, I do, oh God, oh Gerard, Gerard, GERARD!”  
Erin came violently beneath him, forcing his body upwards, her whole body exploding with happiness and intense physical pleasure as she screamed his name, clutchjng him as close to her as he could. A few seconds later he followed her, burying his face in the side of her neck and murmuring her name over and over as he wrapped his arms tightly around her and hugged her close, pressing every inch of his body against hers.  
“Oh Gerard… Gerard…You make me so happy, Gerard, you do…” Erin turned her face towards his and kissed him softly. “I love you more and more every day…”  
“I love you too.” Gerard stroked the side of her face. “So… want to move this to the bedroom?”  
“Hell YES I do!” Erin eased herself to her feet as Gerard got up and unplugged the jammer from the socket. “Mrs O’Reilly was right. DEFINITELY stamina.”  
“Mmmmm…” Gerard smiled fondly at her and pulled her close, his arm around her waist as he kissed her deeply. “Thank you… I’ll have to go on more long runs…”  
“Come on, Romance Boy.” Erin grinned and took him by the hand, leading him slowly towards the bedroom. “Let’s see how you do on Round Three…”

April 6th, 1972

Gerard finally crawled out of bed following Round Six, weakly gesturing a desperate need for sustenance and soda, leaving Erin to drowse contentedly… until the doorbell rang loudly and she swore, rolling her eyes as she reluctantly climbed out of bed and shrugged on Gerard’s discarded pyjama shirt as she walked towards the front door. “Gerard, I swear, if you left your keys next to the toilet again because you were scared they’d fall out of your pockets and down the - oh.” She smiled at the small blonde girl with huge dark eyes that was standing at the front door carrying armfuls of boxes, suddenly self-conscious and awkwardly tugging at the bottom of Gerard’s pyjama shirt to make it seem longer. “Hi… I, uh, wasn’t expecting anyone at…” She glanced at the clock. “Wow, 2am. I guess you’re probably looking for Gerard, but he ran out to buy more soda so he’s not here. He should be home soon though… do you want to come in and wait? It’s kind of a rough neighbourhood around here. I wouldn’t want to loiter outside too long.”  
“I gave Gerard that pyjama shirt.” The girl looked her up and down, speaking in a strong English accent. “He still leaves his keys next to the toilet, huh? Always has. It’s something his mother said about a paper bag of candy when he was six. Damn woman’s been dead nearly fifteen years and it still bothers him. She’s the reason he always puts the toilet lid straight down before he flushes too, you know.”  
“Yeah, I do know.” Erin’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “How did you know about that?”  
“I think the bigger question is ‘who the hell are you, and how do YOU know about that?’’,” replied the girl, her lip curling. “Or, ‘who the hell are you, and why are you wearing Gerard’s pyjama shirt’?’”  
“I’m Erin. I’m Gerard’s girlfriend.” Erin frowned. “Why? Who are you?”  
“I’m Shona.” Shona crossed her arms and fixed Erin in a glare. “And you damn well better know who ‘Shona’ is, or I’ll damn well kick that scrawny boy’s perfect butt from here all the way back to fucking London.”  
“Wait…” Erin stared at her. “Shona? As in THAT Shona? As in Gerard’s EX-GIRLFRIEND Shona?”  
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m Gerard’s ex. And not just his ex-GIRLFRIEND. I’m his ex-FIANCEE.” Shona’s lip curled. “Not some random skank bitch of a rebound girl.”  
“His… his what? How?” Erin stared at her. “OH! You must be a different Shona! Cool coincidence, I guess. If you’re looking for his dad, Gerard senior, he’s away on business. I’ve never met him, but maybe my Gerard borrowed the shirt, or-”  
“Come on, honey. I didn’t know they’d started making schoolgirls so damn stupid.” Shona snorted and rolled her eyes. “That’s not his dad. His real dad’s name is Robert. I want Gerard. MY Gerard, not yours, just to clarify for you. Young, black hair, pale skin, hazel eyes, draws a lot, kind of a dork?”  
“No, no…” Erin was shaking her head. “No, that’s not possible. Gerard was never engaged. He would have told me. How can he have had a-“  
“Gerard is not 18, he is 22, although he does have a big party I planned for him as a surprise for his 23rd birthday this month. He wasn’t born in autumn 1953. Yeah, Frank told me he’d have told you that. He was born in summer 1949. Now his birthday party will be a ‘why we all hate Gerard’ party, because it cost a fucking fortune in deposits, so we’re going to hit that reception hall with gallons of booze and wearing fancy dress.” She laughed bitterly. “Oh, and guess what was even more expensive that I can’t use because of you? This.” She stuffed an enormous lace wedding gown into Erin’s arms along with a white cathedral-length mantilla veil, tears starting to run down her face. “We had everything planned. The wedding was months away. I’d ordered dozens of calla lilies…

\- ‘“CALLA LILIES? In the bouquet AND on the tables? Aren’t those things for funerals?” Erin wrinkled her nose. “And they STINK.”  
Gerard grinned. “I know, right? My fian- friend INSISTS on having them fucking EVERYWHERE at ou- her wedding.”’ -

… and I never had any sign that anything was wrong …

‘“It’s meant to be joy, a celebration of love and family, but it’s all a… a… it’s just a festival of lies. The groom pretends it’s the happiest day of his life, the bride pretends she didn’t have to settle, the guests pretend they’re having fun, everyone pretends to believe the bride’s a virgin… it’s just… total bullshit.”’ -

… and then suddenly, I get this phone call at fuck knows what time from his posting here, telling me it’s over, telling me it’s just not working for him, but I KNOW that tone of voice, I KNOW he’d seen something else he liked the look of …

\- ‘Gerard put his hand on her arm, horribly aware that he was about to cross another truly awful line. “Well, Erin, if I had a bridesmaid as beautiful as you are, I… I’d put her in an ugly dress too. I wouldn’t want the competition.”’ -

… and you know what, I have a feeling that something was YOU.” Shona wiped her eyes furiously, brushing her long blonde waves off her face. “But don’t go telling yourself it’s true love, sweetie. He hadn’t seen me in months. You’re just a convenient little stand-in for a true, deep relationship that’s hit a tiny little bump, and as soon as he’s reminded of that, he’ll come running right back to me.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah, and he’s not a schoolkid either. He’s in the British Army, and he’s here to spy on you. ALL of you. His ex-boyfriend Frank told me everything. He also told him that Gerard broke up with him using a message on a piece of bog roll.” Shona crossed her arms. “And there is probably a WHOLE lot else he left out, but… those are the main bits. I brought you a ton of picture albums too. Make sure to show them to him, it’ll bring him running back to me all the faster.” She picked up the boxes and shoved them at Erin, smiling bitterly. “Oh yes, and there was this too.” She pulled back her arm and punched Erin hard in the face.

Gerard noticed the front door of his house standing ajar as soon as he turned back onto Balkan Street, soda in a plastic bag dangling from his left hand “…Erin?” A cold feeling of unease settled into the pit of his stomach and he dropped the soda with a crash and started to run, all the worst possible scenarios running through his head. Is she dead? Is she gone? Has she been abducted? “Oh my GOD! ERIN? ERIN? ERIN!” He shoved open the front door and his mouth fell open as he saw the mess of scrapbooks and white lace covering the room. “Oh my God, Erin, Erin, sweetheart, what the hell happened?”  
“Don’t you DARE ‘sweetheart’ me, Gerard WAY.” Erin stood up, a bag of frozen peas clamped over her bleeding nose and two black eyes rapidly blooming on her face. “You lying piece of absolute shit. I know. I know EVERYTHING.” She slapped him hard across the face. “I NEVER want to see you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The return of Shona...


	25. 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crap news today. Hope this makes you happy.

Dear Mikey,

Something terrible has happened. I don’t know what. Erin threw me out of my own house and I spent the night in the car. I just don’t understand. I love her so much. You’re good with girls. What do I do? For the love of God, TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Love, Gerard XOXO

\- - - - - -

April 6th, 1972

When Erin climbed onto the school bus the next morning she had tear stained cheeks and swollen, dark purple eyes blooming out of her eye sockets, all the more painfully obvious for the layers upon layers of pancake makeup she had plastered over them. The whites of her eyes had bright crimson patches and she still couldn’t quite see properly, so her hair was a bird’s nest of chaos and her lipstick was drawn on in an unsteady line, weaving its way across her face.  
“Jesus…” Lisa Anne pushed her way forward on the bus and climbed onto the seat next to her. “Erin, honey, what’s wrong? Is it Gerard? Did he hit you? Because if he did, I can think of at least six dudes who’ll kill him for me right now without asking a single question. Seriously. One phone call. And I will MAKE that call.”  
Erin shook her head tearfully “No, it’s not Gerard, don’t hurt him… Gerard… Gerard… Gerard would never hit me. He’d die first. He’d never let ANYONE hurt me if he could stop it, but… but he was out, and I opened the door, and…” Erin blew her nose and took a deep breath. “I… I met Gerard’s ex, and…” She burst into fresh tears. “Oh GOD!”  
Lisa Anne frowned. “But Erin, I thought you guys already talked about his ex-girlfriend, and we all decided you didn’t have anything to worry about-“  
“They were engaged.” Erin’s voice was very small. “She showed me dozens of pictures of them together from when they were both about 15. He loved her. He told her so. She told me all about all the things they did together, all the things he LEARNED from being with her, and… it was awful!” Erin started to cry harder. “I’m always going to be second best to her, I’m just a fill-in for her!”  
“Well, how bad can it have been?” Briege raised her eyebrows. “I’m sure it seems worse right now because-“  
Erin gave her a look. “She threw her WEDDING DRESS at me.”  
“Jesus Christ.” Catherine pulled out a hip flask and shoved it at her. “Here you go, Erin. Needs are greater and all.”  
“It was her wedding dress, Catherine.” Erin looked away. “Her wedding dress.”  
“Yeah. It’s bad. I get that.” Catherine pointed at the flask. “You think I share my Jameson’s Black with just everyone? Come on. This whisky is old enough to buy its own whisky.”  
“Was it…” Caitlin hesitated. “Was the dress at least ugly?”  
“No.” Erin picked at her fingernails, pouting obediently as Lisa quickly scrubbed off her lipstick and carefully reapplied it, then set about brushing out the chaos of her hair. “It was beautiful, it had this gorgeous white silk, lace, and sequinned, properly corseted top, with a HUGE white lace skirt, and the veil had all these sequinned lace appliques to match, and it was just so beautiful and original that it HAS to have been custom made for her. It had proper, couture-quality corset work. There’s just no way it came that way right out of a store. I can’t…” She bit her lip. “She must have been so excited when she finally picked it up, and then…” She stared at her feet.. “And then I turned up, and I ruined everything.”  
“Maybe they got engaged when they were drunk?” offered Dymphna. “It happens. I have a cousin who got married in Vegas drunk. First meeting drunk, first date drunk, first time in bed together drunk, engaged drunk, married drunk, wedding-night drunk, awkward morning-after chitchat drunk, and then a quickie divorce before they’d properly sobered up. She STILL says it was the best hen party she could ever have had.”  
“No, no, you don’t get it!” Erin took a huge swig from the flask, trying not to panic. “It’s not just the dress, or the engagement, it’s… it’s that she came to his HOUSE. His NEW house, so he must have given her his new address, and she’s hot, she’s so hot…”  
“He’s a son of a bitch,” muttered Aoife, and there were sounds of approval from all the other girls. “You’re better off without him, Erin.”  
“No, Aoife, I’m not, because I love him, I love him so much, I NEED him…” Erin started to sob loudly, and all the girls around her nodded sympathetically. “And she… told me things about him. BAD things, and they’re… I can’t even talk about them.” Erin shook her head. “It was just… it was just…” Erin wiped her eyes. “It was so HUMILIATING…”  
“I get that.” Lisa’s mouth was full of bobby pins as she pinned Erin’s hair back up. “Running into you boyfriend’s ex and then finding out he’s a kinky son of a bitch? The WORST.”  
“HOW kinky?” Jennifer leaned forward, her eyes wide. “Was it dirty sex stuff? REALLY dirty sex stuff? Like, tying up, and whipping, and spanking, and dressing up, and role-playing, and dirty talk-” She suddenly realised everyone had stopped talking and was staring at her. “WHAT?” She blushed bright red. “I… read it. In… a book. From the school library!”  
“Well, that’s believable.” Kristin raised an eyebrow at the others. “Especially since our entire school library is filed under the categories ‘Christ’ and ‘Christ’.”  
Erin shook her head. “No, no, it wasn’t that…”  
“So… no kinky sex?” Jennifer looked disappointed.  
“WORSE!” Erin pulled a face, and there was stunned muttering.  
“Oh God…” Lori leaned in. “Was it… you know… BUTT stuff?”  
“What?! NO!” Erin rolled her eyes. “She just came to his house, and she’s… she’s English, ENGLISH, and they literally just broke up too, RIGHT when we started going out, so he’s probably on the rebound right now with me, I’m… I’m just his rebound fling, I love him so much and deep down I’m nothing to him…” Erin started to cry again. “She said I was just a convenient little stand-in for a true, deep relationship that’d hit a tiny little bump, and that as soon as he was reminded of that, he’d go running right back to her!”  
Jennifer rubbed her back. “Come on Erin, he’d never do that-“  
“WHY NOT?!” Erin whipped out another cigarette. “With all her stupid long beautiful thick blonde hair, and proper curves, and big dark eyes, and clear skin, and she’s just so fucking pretty, she’s so much prettier than me, and now I’m COMPLIMENTING her, and… and, well, kind of turned on, and… FUCK!” Erin was fumbling with her lighter. “DAMN IT!”  
Margaret crossed her arms. “He’s a son of a bitch.” There was another general nod of agreement as Lisa Anne reached out to light Erin’s cigarette and put her hand reassuringly on her shoulder.  
“Damn straight he’s a son of a bitch.” Caitlin leaned in conspiratorially. “Want me to slash his tyres?”  
“No, he loves that car.” Erin sniffed tearfully. “It’s like his baby… he even gave it a damn name.”  
“Even more reason.” Caitlin crossed her arms. “I am SO going to go over there tonight to slash his tyres.”  
“No, I-“ Erin started to shake her head, and then her eyes narrowed. “You’re right, Caitlin. SLASH his damn tyres!” She took a took a deep drag on her cigarette. “And he IS a son of a bitch!”  
“Erin, I need to talk to you.” Gerard was suddenly in the middle of the swarm of girls as the bus unloaded outside the convent school, wincing at the air of seething hatred. Well, at least they’re not calling me ‘Romance Boy’ any more. “Please. PLEASE listen.”  
“Why?” Erin raised her eyebrows. “You been keeping anything from me, Gerard? Anything important? Fiancees, boyfriends, kinks?”  
Sara Ann slapped him hard. “BASTARD!”  
“Whoa…” Gerard held up his hands. “Yes, Sara, that’s fair, I… well, I am a bastard, but…why am I a bastard this time? Anyone?” Gerard glanced around a dozen faces of seething hatred. “ANYONE?!” He bit his lip, looking into Erin’s eyes. “Erin. Please. Tell me what I did, and I’ll try to fix it.” Erin pointedly looked away, crossing her arms. “Erin, please-“  
Lisa slapped him. “ASSHOLE!”  
“Oh… oh sweet GOD, that hurts…” Gerard gingerly cradled the side of his face in his hand, silently praying he still had all his teeth. “Erin… Erin, I love you. I want to marry you-“  
Erin slapped him again. “BASTARD!”  
Gerard cursed under his breath. “Well, I think we already decided I’m a bastard, but… Erin. We were-” In the middle of an epic sexual heptathlon. “We were-” Discovering exactly how talented you are with your tongue, “We… we were-“ Going to go for a full decathlon if one of us didn’t pass out from extreme exhaustion first, hence the sports drink trip. “We were… fine, and then suddenly we weren’t, and… Erin, I love you. Please. Tell me. What happened?”  
“At least change your lines once in a while, Gerard.” Erin gave him a dirty look. ‘Erin, you’re special’, ‘Erin, I love you’, ‘Erin, I want to marry you’…” She snorted. “I bet you used those on her too, right? Probably right before she went out to buy that beautiful dress, too. I’m just waiting on the ‘Erin, will you marry me?’ and I’ll have the complete set.”  
“Erin, I…” Gerard was almost crying from desperation. “Erin, I DO love you, and I DO want to marry you, and you know that, and I know you know that, I NEED to know you know that, so please, PLEASE just tell me what happened yesterday!”  
“Gerard…” Erin sighed. “You told me about a girl you nearly married. I was desperate to know you loved me, and you… you convinced me you did. Now?” She bit down on her lip so hard she drew blood. “Now… I don’t know.”  
Caitlin smacked him so hard he almost fell over. “DICKHEAD!”  
“Jesus, guys, can we just… with the slapping… for five minutes…” Gerard clutched at the sides of his face. “Erin…” Gerard frowned. “Erin, what do you-“  
“She showed me her dress. Gorgeous. Saw a bunch of photos of you two as young teenagers as well. You had your arm around her and she looked so, so happy.” Erin crossed her arms angrily. “She picked up that dress less than a week before you left her. When you called to break up with her, it was five feet away on her wardrobe door, and she was staring straight at it.”  
“JERK!” Margaret slapped him so hard she loosened two of his teeth.  
“Shona.” Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Oh shit, you’re talking about Shona. Shona was here. Fuck. Oh, FUCK. DAMN it, Frank.” He buried his face in his hands, and then winced. “And CHRIST, but you guys can slap-“  
“Cute young couple too. You can REALLY see how much she loves you! Hell, she WORSHIPPED you!” Erin slapped him again. “You complete and utter ASSHOLE!”  
“No, no, Erin…” Gerard shook his head frantically, trying to ignore the excruciating pain in his cheek. “Erin, Shona’s nuts, and they’re not lines I’m feeding you. She isn’t who you-“  
“Yeah, you really fucked yourself on that one.” Erin rolled her eyes. “She knew your new address, Gerard. You’re still seeing her. Next time you might want to try and keep your women apart, Gerard. Just a thought.”  
Gerard glanced around. “OK, Erin, I am not still seeing her, it is not that simple, and we need to talk about this. ALONE.” He grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the swarm of hatred and around the corner, lowering his voice to a whisper as he dragged her further and further into the trees around the school. “Erin, please, keep your voice down, OK, it’s important no one hears-“  
Erin lowered her voice to an angry hiss. “Gerard, you have one chance and one chance only to answer this right, and if you don’t, we are DONE.” Erin stared at him. “Why the FUCK did Shona say you were engaged, and who the FUCK is Frank? I told you everything about me. I told you about the FIRE. I told you about losing my ENTIRE FAMILY, and you conveniently decide to leave out your engagement to that sexy little slutty blonde bitch of yours?!”  
“OK.” Gerard took a deep breath. “OK. OK. Erin, yes. Frank is… well, my ex, and that’s bad, I know thats bad, but… I know we covered a lot of this, Erin, but I want you to fully, FULLY get it and Shona is… was… my fiancee. A few months away from the wedding… I broke it off. It was a terrible, terrible thing to do, but to cheat on her would have been worse. I… I had already been cheating on Shona for months, with Frank, and I felt awful. I couldn’t do it to her any more, and even before you, I was considering breaking up with her solely out of guilt. Yes, I loved Shona, I loved her so much, but we were just so young when we met, we were just kids, and neither of us really knew what an adult relationship would be… but even as we were drifting apart, neither of us wanted to let go of what we had had, so we were both clinging to it, however doomed it already was. We finally broke up when I first met you, both Frank and Shona. I broke up with THEM. Seeing you… seeing you made me realise what love SHOULD be. All I wanted was, and is, you. I never told you I’d been engaged before because… because at first it would have given me away, and then by the time I told you about everything else… well, it would have made me look like a bastard.” He laughed bitterly. “You know that by now.”  
“And… ’Frank’?” Erin looked vaguely nauseated. “PLEASE tell me that’s short for Frances.”  
“No, Erin, it isn’t.” Gerard took a deep breath. “I had a casual relationship with another man in the Army, Erin. It was never serious to me, more of a means to an end, but I think it was for him. I think… I think he maybe got a little obsessed towards the end. We used to… we used to do things together. Weird things. Twisted things. And Erin… I couldn’t tell you. I could never tell you. Breaking up with them like that? I’d seem like such a bastard. And not just a bastard, a GAY bastard. I could never come out as bisexual here. This is Ireland, Erin.” He forced a smile. “Erin, I want you to know everything about me, to love everything about me the way I love everything about you, but how could I possibly tell you all that if it meant you might leave me? I’d give it all up for you. Everything. Obviously I’d have no more boyfriends, since I’m all yours, but I’d give it all up, no more kinks, no more cross-dressing, no more make-up, NOTHING! Whatever you want, Erin, I’ll do it! Please, Erin! PLEASE!”  
“Uh huh.” Erin nodded, tears streaming down her face. “You know what else makes you look like a bastard, and means I might leave you? That she knew your address. Your NEW address.”  
“God, Erin, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but this isn’t what it looks like, I SWEAR…” Gerard rubbed the back of his neck, chewing his lip. “Look, Erin, I promise I’ll explain everything, but for now… have you mentioned anything to anyone? ANYONE? Anything beyond the mere fact that you met Shona, and that Shona was here? Have you told anyone ANYTHING she said to you, however small? ANYTHING? To ANYONE?”  
“No.” Erin sighed. “No, Gerard, I haven’t. Not even Caitlin. I haven’t repeated a single thing she said or that I found out myself. I mean, yes, I hated you, but… I was afraid of what might happen to you, because I… well, I love you. I do.” She gave him a dirty look. “You absolute bastard.”  
“Thank God. Oh, thank God.” Gerard sent up a silent prayer of thanks. “Erin, I will explain everything, I promise, and I mean EVERYTHING. I DO love you. I DO want you to be my wife. I’ve been planning a proposal for… well, for WEEKS, and no, this isn’t it. For one thing, I have it all planned out already, and for another, there’s no way I’m wasting all those nonrefundable deposits.”  
Erin laughed quietly. “That’s… that’s actually really sweet.”  
Gerard smiled softly. “Can you come by my house after school? Please. PLEASE, Erin.” He put his hand on her arm, and she finally didn’t pull away. “I don’t care if it puts me in danger, Erin. You have to understand. You DESERVE to understand.” He took her hand and held it tight. “Please, Erin. Please. One chance to explain, and even if you don’t want me any more afterwards, it’s better than keeping it all from you a second longer. I want to get all it out there, because it’s you.” He smiled a little. “I love you so much.”  
Erin bit her lip. “I love you too.” She swallowed. “Oh, and by the way, Caitlin’s going to slash your tyres.”  
Gerard stared. ”My car’s in the garage. I let my neighbour’s son use my spot when he’s in town.”  
“Then she’s probably going to slash your neighbour’s son’s tyres.” She shrugged. “Bummer for him, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erin is not homophobic. It's a kneejerk reaction. Wait for the next chapter.


	26. 26

Dear Mikey,

Erin is coming over after school today to try and work things out but I’m not sure I’m ever going to get her to come back. I love her so much, but I’m not sure she loves me any more… or whether I even deserve her.

Love, Gerard XOXO

\- - - - - -

April 6th, 1972

“I’m sorry, Erin, I’m so sorry, I should have told you already about how serious things were with Shona, and I didn’t, and…” Gerard looked away, blinking back tears. “I’m so sorry…”  
“Gerard, I just love you so much…” Erin bit her lip, tears running down her face, “Why do I have to love you, Gerard? Why couldn’t you just have left me alone, and not dragged me into this… this… NIGHTMARE?”  
“Because I love you too, Erin, and I always will, and… I couldn’t leave you alone. You were the most perfect, beautiful-” Gerard stopped suddenly. “Wait. When Shona was in here, did she mention the Army?”  
Erin gritted her teeth. “Yes.”  
“Shit.” Gerard’s eyes widened. “OK, Erin, I know you’re angry, but we need to stage an argument where you accuse me of being in the Army, we argue about it, we establish you told no one, you decide you believe me, that you’ll never mention it again to anyone, and we make up. It’s the only way this can work. Then I’ll turn it off again and we can talk properly.” Gerard looked closely at her. “Will you do that?”  
“Yes.” Erin nodded. “For you.”  
“I love you so much, Erin… even if you hate me.” Gerard smiled fondly at her, and then took a deep breath and flicked the switch. “For FUCK’S SAKE, ERIN, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD LISTEN TO MY CRAZY EX!”  
“SHE SAID YOU WERE A SPY, GERARD! A SPY! SHE SAID FRANK TOLD HER EVERYTHING!” Erin slapped him hard and Gerard swore loudly. “Are you? ARE YOU WITH ME JUST TO WATCH ME?”  
“No, Erin, no, she’s just jealous, she’s crazy, I’m just a kid like you! I’m eighteen! You KNOW that! I LOVE YOU! I’m with you because I LOVE YOU!” Gerard suddenly unexpectedly broke down into racking sobs. “PLEASE, ERIN, PLEASE, TELL ME YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE HER! I LOVE YOU! I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU! YOU KNOW THAT!”  
“HOW?“ Erin grabbed a vase and threw it against the wall with a shattering crash. “AND WHO IS THIS ‘FRANK’? IS HE ONE OF YOU TOO? IS HE LIKE YOUR SICK LITTLE ‘BUDDY’?”  
“Erin, Frank is… I’m sorry you have to hear this this way, but… Frank is an ex-boyfriend. It’s over with him. It’s been over for MONTHS. He was angry when I dumped him, and he must have found out where I lived, so he spilled a bunch of conspiracy theories to Shona and drove her nuts over it. He just gave her the little push she needed, and then he paid for her to get here. I didn’t do anything. It was all him. It was all Frank.”  
“So you’re gay too. Is that it? Is that why you won’t marry me?” Erin shoved him hard. “Frank told me about the secret cache of lingerie and dresses and make-up you have, Gerard. He told me EVERY TWISTED LITTLE GAME you two used to play. You enjoyed being hit on by men in bars, huh? What was it, some power trip from deceiving them, because I know you just LOVE deception-“  
“That was completely different, and being a bit kinky does NOT make me a spy or a liar.” For a moment, Gerard was genuinely angry at her. “No, I have NEVER come out in public here, because I just CAN’T. And yes, I’m not just into men. Sometimes. I like to cross-dress. I like to put on make-up and heels and lingerie and dresses, and you’re right. I probably do own more lingerie and make-up than you. It’s all hidden in my ‘father’s’ wardrobe. It was never anything to do with deception, Erin, at least not for me. I just… I just…” He shifted awkwardly. “Sometimes… I just like to feel pretty.”  
Erin stared at him. “Jesus, Gerard, what in the actual FUCK-“  
“ERIN!” Gerard went bright red. “This isn’t about my dresses, this is about you accusing me of something that could get me killed!” He was beside himself. “I’m not a spy, Erin! You have to believe me!” Gerard frantically gestured at his face. “LOOK at me! Do I look like a spy? Do I look old enough for that? Do I look even REMOTELY professional?” He rolled his eyes. “Or do I look like an awkward eighteen year old with epic hair and too much eyeliner?”  
““Well…” Erin hesitated. “Yes, it did sound a bit crazy, I guess, and… well, it sounded so stupid that I didn’t even mention it, not even to Caitlin, but… Gerard, I love you so much, and I need to know you’re with me for me…” She stared at him, tears running down her face. “I NEED to know that you LOVE ME! Erin threw her hands in the air. “AND WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE IT, GERARD? She brought me her wedding dress, Gerard. Her WEDDING DRESS.”  
Gerard rolled his eyes again. “Erin, that’s because she’s nuts-“  
“No, Gerard, it wasn’t. IT WAS HER WEDDING DRESS. She LOVED you, and she believed you loved her so much that she agreed to marry you. She told me all about the wedding you were meant to have, and the lilies, and the band, and the church, but you…” Erin shook her head. “But you just up and left her. You’re going to up and leave me too, because I’m just a cheap little stand-in for her. You’ll see her again, and you’ll remember how much you loved her, and you’ll take one look at me and realise what a terrible, TERRIBLE mistake you’ve made… and you’ll be gone. Bye bye, Erin, so sorry, but Shona IS the girl for me after all!” She burst into tears. “Because you don’t really love me, you never have…” Shit. This is real. This argument is for real…  
Gerard took a step forward. “Erin, that’s not true, you don’t understand, Shona-“  
“She can’t be that bad if you loved her for SEVEN YEARS!” Erin started to cry harder and harder. “Are you telling me the truth, Gerard? Or do you love her more than me?” Erin shoved him away. “Do you even love me AT ALL? Or has our whole relationship just been cheap rebound sex? Because I think we both know the answer to that.”  
Gerard felt a sudden rush of panic. “No, Erin, I am telling you the truth, Erin, I AM, and I do love you, I adore you, and our relationship… our relationship is not a rebound thing, and there has never been ANYTHING cheap about what we have.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her hard. “Erin, I love you, I will ALWAYS love you, I just want to marry you, please don’t leave me… please, please, Erin, don’t leave me, please…” He began to sob harder and harder and Erin wrapped her arms around him, clinging to him. Gerard buried his face in her hair and hugged her as tightly as he could, breathing in the scent of her hair and praying it wouldn’t be the last time he would ever touch her. “Please, Erin, Erin, Erin, I’m begging you, BEGGING YOU…” She felt his tears soaking into her blouse. “Erin, oh God, I love you so much…”  
“I know, I know you, do, it was just seeing your ex, I… you’d told me about her but seeing her, seeing how much prettier she was, how much more grown-up she was, finding out she was 21 and had a real grown-up job and a university degree and her own house already, I just felt like a stupid little girl… and it…” Erin pulled away, looking into his eyes and becoming horribly aware how real this ‘fake’ argument had become. “All those lies she came out with, the Army shit, deep down I knew they were obvious lies, I mean, you’re IRISH, and you’re just a kid, but they weren’t what upset me, Gerard. It upset me to think you once loved someone else before you loved me, and that she was so much… BETTER than me.” Erin looked away. “You were my first, but… she was yours. I guess I was afraid you loved her more. I mean… you proposed to her. You STILL haven’t proposed to me. Are you…” Her voice caught. “Are you EVER planning to propose to me, or am I a second-rate replacement for something real you once had?”  
“Erin…” Gerard took Erin’s hands in his. “Erin, I have never felt anything close to what I feel for you before. With ANYONE. I love you. I want to marry you. I want to grow old with you, watching our kids and our grandkids.” He leaned in and kissed her again. “Please, Erin, it’s all lies. Shona is crazy and she’s angry because I dumped her. I dumped her for YOU, snd if you think she’s prettier than you, you’re crazy too.” He stroked the side of her face. “Do you believe me?” This is real. So much of this argument has been real, oh my God…  
Erin bit her lip. “I do. I really do.” She smiled. “I love you.”  
Gerard felt a wrench of pain hearing her say that, not knowing if it would ever be true again. “I… I love you too.”

Erin took a deep breath and reached out towards the switch on the blocking box. “You know, Gerard, I was” - she flicked the switch, watching for the flashing light - “thinking about our relationship, you know, where we go from here, and”- The light started to flash and she took a deep breath, wiping her eyes. “OK. Gerard… I think it’s sorted, but so much of that was so painfully true, hardly any of it was acting, and by the end it was all real…”  
“I know, it… those were real tears, I didn’t expect them, and I tried to hide them, and every word I said about you was true, but… Erin, the games, the make-up, the dresses, the lingerie, I can explain-“  
“I don’t care where or how you get your motor running, Gerard, just as long as you come home once you’re good to go, because I’m going to be wanting myself a piece of that.” Erin grinned. “Maybe I can play along some time…” She raised an eyebrow at him. “You know… if you’d like that…”  
“Oh, Erin, oh God, you’re perfect…” Gerard bit his lip. “I love you so much…  
“OK.” Erin nodded slowly. “I believe you.”  
“I’m glad.” Gerard put his hand on her arm. “But I understand if you never want to see me ag-“  
“No, Gerard, I think I’d like to see you again… and quite soon, actually.” Erin immediately wrapped her arms around him and kissed him hard, pulling him down on top of her.  
“Oh. OK. Cool.” Gerard pulled off his pyjama shirt and hugged Erin close, unbuttoning her nightgown and kissing her more passionately, a gasp catching in her throat. “Is that OK?”  
“Yes, yes, oh yes…” Erin kissed him deeply. “Please, I love you so much, I do, and I have to feel close to you, right now, Gerard, please…”  
“Erin…” Gerard wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulders, pulling her in close as she kissed him over and over, her hands in his hair as he began to touch her. He could feel spreading tingles of pleasure creeping through him as she rubbed herself hard against him, moaning loudly and grabbing his hair, and he kissed her hard, looking into her eyes. “Erin…”  
“Faster, Gerard, faster, please…” Erin pressed herself against his fingers, crying out as he started to move his fingers faster, carefully easing one finger inside her. She let out a long, strangled moan, clinging to him and pressing her body tightly against his, and then screamed loudly as he slowly teased her between his fingers. “Oh Gerard… oh my GOD-“ She felt him pushing a second and then a third finger inside her and swore loudly, leaned in and kissed him hard, rubbing as hard as she could against his hand as he began to thrust his fingers back and forth, hearing her breath hitch and catch in her throat. “Erin, I love to touch you, I just love to feel how much you want me…”  
“Oh, I love it when you touch me too, it’s just heaven…” Erin was gasping and shaking, rocking hard against his fingers. “Oh, oh Gerard, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too…” Gerard kissed her hard, her breath hot in his mouth as she pushed harder against him. “CHRIST, Erin…”  
“Gerard, don’t stop, please don’t stop, that’s…. oh, OH, JESUS, DON’T STOP!” Erin was kissing him deeply and rocking back and forth on his hand, thrusting her hips hard against his fingers and screaming his name at the top of her voice. “Oh yes, oh yes…” Erin began to lift her hips and she cried out as a fresh bolt of pleasure raced through her, tightening her arms around him and pulling him in closer as he kissed her passionately. “Oh yes, Gerard… oh, Gerard… Gerard…”  
Gerard smiled. “Does that feel good?  
“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, it feels fantastic…” Erin kissed him deeply as heavy waves of pleasure filled every part of her, breathing hard into his mouth. “Oh Gerard, I’m… oh, oh Christ, Gerard…”  
“I know, Erin, I know…” Gerard pulled her in as tightly as he could, her whole body tensing against his, and then she clutched at his back and screamed as she came, her body shuddering and pushing up against him as she carved deep scratches in the already-scarred skin of his back.  
“Gerard, I love you, I love you so much…” Erin was lying on her back, trying to catch her breath. “Gerard… oh, Gerard, I love you so, so much…”  
Gerard kissed her. “Feel better?”   
“Oh… oh, yes…” Erin nodded tiredly. “Gerard, make love to me, please, show me how much you love me… just make love to me, Gerard…”  
Gerard nodded frantically and Erin smiled, wrapped her legs around his hips, and pulled him deep inside her, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs and kissing him deeply. “Erin…”  
Erin smiled and kissed him deeply. “I love it when we’re together, Gerard…” She smiled to herself as he kissed the side of her neck, flicking his tongue against her ear. “You’re everything…”  
“You’re everything to me too.” Gerard smiled and started to kiss her gently, over and over and over. “Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you…” He rested his forehead against hers and kissed her again, her breath warm on his face as he stroked her cheek.  
Erin could feel the first sense of warmth building, pleasure spreading upwards. “Christ, Gerard… this feels amazing…”  
“It does…” He kissed her again, hugging her tight. “Oh God, Erin, you feel incredible, you have no idea…”  
“Gerard…” Erin kissed him, feeling the waves of pleasure growing stronger and more intense. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…”  
He smiled and kissed her ear. “I love hearing you say my name…”  
Erin laughed quietly and pulled his face into her shoulder, her teeth snagging on his earlobe. “Gerard…”  
“Oh Jesus, Erin, that was one of the sexiest things a woman has ever done…” Gerard was breathing heavily, kissing her neck and shoulders. “Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin…”  
“Gerard… Gerard, oh God, harder…” Erin was breathing heavily, trying to catch her breath. “Harder, Gerard, please harder…” Erin felt Gerard start to push harder and harder into her and began to lift her hips, crying out as intense jolts of pleasure shot through her. “JESUS, Gerard…”   
Gerard smiled as he kissed her chest. “Does that feel good?”  
Erin nodded frantically. “Yes, yes, kiss me…”  
“Erin…” Gerard’s hands were in her hair, stroking the sides of her face. “Erin, you’re all I’ll ever want, I swear…””  
“Gerard…” Erin kissed him hard, her tongue deep in his mouth. “I love you so much, you have no idea…”  
“Oh Erin, oh, you taste amazing…” Gerard kept kissing her, his hands clutching at her hair. “Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin…” Gerard was kissing her frantically as he clung to her. “Erin…”  
“Oh…” Erin’s eyes were wide open and unfocused, pounding waves of pleasure overwhelming her. “Oh… oh Gerard, Gerard, this is…” Gerard felt her arms tightening around his body, Erin’s hands clenching into fists and scratching deep grooves into his back as she hugged him close, pushing up against him. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, GERARD-“  
Erin came violently, her body pushing up against Gerard’s hips as he came with a sudden jerk, hit by a punch of indescribable pleasure as Erin clung to him. Gerard gasped her name, kissing her passionately, and fell on his back beside her, desperately trying to catch his breath. “Oh Erin, oh Erin… that was amazing…”  
Erin turned her head and looked at him, smiling breathlessly. “Oh, it was, it was fantastic, it’s always fantastic with you…”  
Gerard smiled, pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her. “Erin… oh Erin… you are so special…”  
“Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin kissed him passionately. “Oh, Gerard, I love you…”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her. “I love you too.”  
“I love you too, Erin.” He leaned in and kissed her. “No school next Friday, and you do need something nice to wear for dinner in Rathmullan during our weekend away to celebrate the end of exams… What about we go to Dublin next weekend so I can buy you a couple of nice designer cocktail dresses, some nice shoes and so on? Whatever you want. We can take the first morning Enterprise train to Dublin from Belfast…”  
“Mmmmm, sounds fun…” Erin started kissing him, rolling over onto her back and pulling him down on top of her. “Mmmmmm…” She started to kiss up the side of his neck and then pulled back, looking into his eyes. “Reckon it might take a couple days?”  
“Two nights at a fancy hotel in Dublin too. Noted.” I am so getting laid. Gerard grinned, kissing her gently over and over and stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. “I know a nice one overlooking St Stephens Green…” He kept kissing her, his hands in her hair. “I love you so much, Erin…”  
“I love you too.” Erin wrapped her arms around him. “And a weekend away sounds amazing, Gerard.” She smiled up at him. “And I can’t wait…”   
Gerard raised his eyebrows. “For shopping? Or for our weekends away?”  
Erin laughed and kissed his forehead. “Both.”


	27. 27

Dear Mikey,

Frank tried to break me and Erin up, and he very nearly succeeded. Luckily, I made Erin see sense… and then I got laid. Big time. And she’s really into my kinks… and wants to play along.

I’ve found the perfect girl, Mikes. The perfect girl. I love her so much.

Love, Gerard XOXO

\- - - - - -

April 14, 1972

“I’ve never been on the Enterprise train before…” Gerard was looking around the boarding jetway, carrying their suitcases. “What’s it like? Is it fancy and smart and-“  
“It’s a pit.” Erin examined her fingernails. “Old British rolling stock, the seats have padding poking out, it’s cold, there’s no armrests… but they do carry a ton of booze and now we’re both old enough to drink…”  
“Oooh…” Gerard put the suitcases up into the train, took Erin’s hand, and guided her onboard. “And if it’s cold, we might have to cuddle up for warmth…”  
“Mmmm, we might…” Erin pulled him down into their assigned seats as the train started moving and kissed him, snuggling down next to him and watching the city and then the countryside going past the window. “I love this train… I used to take it to see my dad in County Louth all the time…”  
Gerard smiled sympathetically. “You miss him already, huh?”  
“I just wish he would have been there on my actual birthday.” Erin bit her lip and Gerard kissed her forehead, stroking her hair soothingly. “It’s hard being without him so often. I’d have liked to see him this weekend, but… he’s organising something on the Dingle coast. Collecting something or other.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve been speaking Arabic to a bunch of misogynistic Libyans on the phone for WEEKS.”  
The idea of alerting the Army didn’t even cross Gerard’s mind. “I’m sorry, Erin…” He kissed her gently. “But I love you, OK, and I’ll be here if you ever need to talk.”  
Erin smiled tearfully. “I know.” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Gerard… do you ever wonder what might happen if you get into Trinity next year?”  
Gerard shrugged. “Well, it just seemed so unlikely that-“  
“Gerard, you’re a genius. You can go anywhere, and if I’m in Belfast at Queens, and you’re in Dublin at Trinity… what are we going to do?”  
“I…” Gerard frowned. “I hadn’t really thought about it.”  
“I mean, are we going to commute back and forth every weekend and do long distance?” Erin raised her eyebrows. “Because-“  
“-long distance is always a terrible idea. I know.” Gerard put his arm around her. “Erin, if you spent so much time on this train as a kid, I don’t want you to have to do it now. I don’t want to miss your birthdays, or you to miss mine, and I don’t want to have to hear about big exciting things on the phone. Even a two-hour train ride is too far.”  
“Gerard…” Erin looked like she was about to burst into tears. “Are you saying you want to break up in August?”  
“WHAT? NO!” Gerard silently kicked himself. “What I’m saying is… if you’re set on Queens next year, I’ll hold off applying to Trinity until you graduate. We can just take turns.”  
Erin bit her lip. “But Gerard-“  
“But nothing.” Gerard kissed a tear off her cheek. “I’m not staying that far away from you, and we are DEFINITELY not breaking up. I’ll just spend the time working on my inventions. You KNOW how much I love that.”  
Erin laughed. “I do.”  
Gerard grinned excitedly. "And I swear, I'm THIS close to using lasers to read video information off-"  
"Gerard, shut up." Erin put her finger over his mouth. "You know that I do not find your inventions a turn on."  
“You will when I'm a multi-billionaire... and besides…” Gerard leaned in to whisper in her ear. “I’m still paying for the ring, so this still isn’t a proposal because I don’t have it yet, but… It’d be pretty weird to be commuting since we’ll be getting married this winter, right?”  
“Oh, GERARD!” Erin leaned in and kissed him hard, wrapping her arms around his back. “I love you so mu- are you wearing mascara?”  
Gerard blushed. “Um… yes.”  
Erin broke into a slow, filthy grin. “You know, I think I like it on you…”  
Gerard looked at her. “Really?”  
“Yeah…” Erin leaned in and kissed his ear. “So… which one of your games do you want to play later?”  
Gerard almost choked. “SERIOUSLY?!”  
“Yes…” Erin smiled. “That is, if you want to…”  
“I do.” Gerard nodded frantically. “I really, REALLY do…” He paused. “Erin, um…” He looked at her shyly. “Even when we do this, can we still make love sometimes too?” Christ, Gerard. He silently kicked himself again. Could you BE more of a girl?  
“Oh, Gerard…” Erin bit her lip and stroked his face. “Of course we can… I just want to play along sometimes…” She paused. “Is that OK?”  
“Is that OK?! SERIOUSLY?!” Gerard grinned. “DEFINITELY.”  
“Well then.” Erin started to kiss the side of his neck, her hand in his lap. “But first… I have five rules.”  
“Oh.” Gerard’s heart sank. “Yes?” Please don’t be dull. Please don’t be dull. Please don’t be dull.  
“One: Nothing to do with Frank.” Erin’s voice was firm. “I don’t care that you have a history together, I care that you have A HISTORY TOGETHER. So… no initiating contact.”  
Gerard nodded. “Done.”  
“Two: No more contact with Shona, and if she contacts you, you tell me immediately.” Erin’s eyes narrowed. “Got it?”  
Gerard swallowed nervously. “Got it.”  
“Three: Safe words. I use one, it stops immediately.”  
“I would have said the same thing.” Gerard blushed. “I’m… uh… not exactly new at this-“  
“Four: Honesty at all times. You tell me everything.” Erin looked at him. “Fair?”  
“Fair.” Gerard stroked her face.  
“And five…” Erin looked at him. “Like you already stipulated… we still get to make love at least five times a week. Done?”  
“Done.” Gerard smiled and put his hands on hers. “So… the games?”  
“Well…” Erin kissed him passionately, kissing the side of his face and and flicking her tongue in his ear. “I was thinking I could put your makeup on you myself… lipstick… eyeshadow… mascara… and then maybe you could make me up and dress me up exactly as you like me…”  
Gerard stared at her. “Jesus CHRIST, Erin…”  
“And then maybe I could dress you up, and we could go out on the town together, with me wearing a short dress…” Erin kissed him deeply. “And then I’d tease you with it, make you want me, and drive you so mad with desire for me that you have to fuck me in the bathroom, and then in the street, and then on the floor of the hotel room before we even get to the bed, and then you’ll undress me slowly, kissing every inch of me…” Erin raised an eyebrow. “And I mean EVERY inch…”  
Gerard made what sounded like a quiet whimpering sound, his hands tightening into fists.  
“And then I’ll undress you, and stroke your skin as I undo the lingerie, and I’ll kiss you over and over and tell you how much I love you.” Erin kissed him gently; “Does that sound like fun?”  
“It sounds…” Gerard swallowed. “It sounds INCREDIBLE…”  
“Tell me what else you like, Gerard…” Erin kissed his neck, breathing into his ear. “Tell me what you want…”  
“I… I like power.” Gerard swallowed. “I like to be in control.”  
“Well then, you’re DEFINITELY choosing my makeup and outfit… and you’ll enjoy the back-lacing corsets I have, the ones only you can tighten and loosen as much as you want, the ones only you can release me from…” Erin kissed his ear, lowering her voice. “Does that sound fun?”  
“Oh yes…” Gerard smiled. “Can I… can I hold you down?”  
“Pin my wrists above my head and go for it as hard and as fast as you want…” Erin kissed him. “I brought scarves for you to tie me up if you wanted…”  
“I do.” Gerard nodded frantically. “I do want.”  
“Do you want to leave me there, Gerard?” Erin was whispering, her breath on his neck. “Do you want to go to the Meridien bar for a drink, knowing the whole time that I’m just lying there, tied to the bed, waiting for you?”  
Gerard let out a long, slow breath. “…Yes.”  
Erin smiled. “And?”  
“In public… I love to do it in public, to find a quiet spot and just stretch you out on your back and have you, knowing people are walking by just feet away…” Gerard hesitated. “And… oh, Erin, this will sound terrible, but I love to fuck outside Catholic churches. I’d do it inside if I could get away with it. One time, I locked a priest in the toilet and fucked a guy in the confessional, it was…” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “It was so wrong, so wrong, but so hot… so, so hot…”  
“Wow.” Erin raised an eyebrow. “You’re one kinky son of a bitch, aren’t you, Gerard?”  
“No!” Gerard shook his head. “No, Erin, I’m sorry-“  
“No… I like it. We should try that. And… they’re open 24 hours a day. I bet we can get away with it in a church.” Erin gave him a slow, lascivious grin. “What else?”  
Gerard blinked. Holy shit. “I like… I like…” He looked away. “Sometimes, and I don’t mean as boyfriends, you’re the only one for me, but… I’d like men. No feelings involved, honestly, just-”  
“Gerard, honey, I’ve said before that I don’t care where you get your motor running, so long as you come home to me so you can make sure I get my rocks off too. Just ask me first, OK? But no other women, and no guy more than one time. Those are the rules.” Erin kissed him. “I trust you.”  
Gerard stared. “God, Erin, I love you-“  
“I think that’s enough to cover for one day…” Erin looked a little stunned. “But as for the lingerie…” Erin ran her finger along his lower lip. “I cut class one day and snuck off to Belfast to meet a friend of mine, who brought me three back-lacing corsets and five beautiful pieces in my size from London, all for you to pick from for me to wear… right after I choose yours, of course, because she brought some for you too, and all of them unhook for you at the front so you can fuck me while you wear them…”  
Gerard’s eyes widened. “Christ, Erin, I’m so hard I think I’m going to tear a hole in my jeans…”  
“Hmmmm…” Erin piled her coats on top of his lap and slipped her hand underneath. “I wonder what I can do about that…”  
Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Erin-“  
“What?” Erin gave him a very innocent look as he felt the zip of his jeans being undone and her hand slipping inside. “You’re cold, sweetheart, I just want to warm you up…” She gave him a meaningful look. “Publicly…”  
“I’m not that-ohhhhh…” Gerard let out a quiet whimper as she started to stroke around his underwear, laying one hand on his boxer shorts. “Erin…” Gerard’s mouth fell open. “Where did you learn to do that, because before you only- and because there’s no way the nuns-“ She started stroking and fondling through the fabric and Gerard stifled a curse, pushing his head back against the headrest as she stroked the soft skin inside his shorts. “Erin, PLEASE!”  
She smiled, licked the palms of both hands, and pulled down his jeans and underwear a little, gently trailing her fingertips and up and down and stroking and rubbing the most sensitive parts carefully, glancing both ways and quickly sliding under the coats, licking his inner thighs,  
She pulled her head out and smiled at him, licked her hands again, and then ducked back under the coats and started stroking and rubbing and licking, leaning down to kiss the tip. Gerard made an odd high-pitched noise and jerked upwards as she began to rub the area behind the base with her thumb, and then she slowly licked her palms again, wrapping them around the shaft and moving them slowly up and down as she rotated them rapidly, timing her speed with the speed of his breathing, occasionally stroking the fingertips of one hand across the head or rubbing the area behind the base hard, listening to him murmuring her name. She felt his body start to tremble and Gerard almost choked as she immediately started to suck gently on the tip, swirling her tongue and moving her hands in slow, upward strokes until he came with a violent jerk, Erin loosening her grip but still moving as he panted for breath, before slowly coming to a stop and sliding out from beneath the coats, giving him a dirty smile and biting her lip. “Did you enjoy that?”  
Gerard nodded frantically, gasping for breath. “Yes… yes I did…”  
Erin smiled again. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her. “Christ, Erin, I am still so turned on thinking about tonight…”  
“Me too.” Erin grinned. “My pieces are fine silk… lots of lace cutouts, and ribbons you untie, and clasps to be unhooked, camisoles and bustiers and silk bra and panty sets… and they all have garters for stockings…”  
Gerard stared at her, practically drooling. “Tell me more, Erin. Now.”  
Erin gave him a dirty smile. “Well, one is red, one is black, one is purple, one is blue, and one is green. Some of the bustiers untie at the front, and some are actually designed to go with the corsets, so you have all the power, I’ll have to bend over while you pull on the laces to tighten it, just making it tighter and tighter and pushing my breasts up and out more and more until it’s closed. I think the black is my favourite… I want to wear it tonight with the lace stockings. It’s corseted, it has so many lace cutouts, and the corset and built-in bra pushes everything up so everyone can see me, and EVERYONE will want me, everyone in every place we go to, ESPECIALLY you, we’ll be in a bar in my little dress and I’ll hitch it up the tiniest bit for a second and you’ll see the silk hem and you’ll suddenly want me so much it will drive you crazy, and you’ll need to have me right there, over and over, just like I told you…” She bit her lip. “And the bottom of it unfastens completely, so you can do it while I’m still dressed in my beautiful silk underwear… and in my little dress, we could fuck in the street with people walking right past inches away in full sight, thinking we were just making out…”  
“Oh my God, Erin…” Gerard was breathing hard, gripping her hand tightly. “God, I love you so much…”  
“Good, because that third suitcase is full of all the stuff from your fake dad’s wardrobe…” Erin grinned. “Fun surprise?”  
Gerard grabbed her, leaned in and kissed her passionately, his hands sliding up to cradle the sides of her face as the train suddenly jolted to a stop. ”Erin, I am so hard right now, you have no idea…”  
“I think I might.” Erin laughed. “Want to take a quick break in the bathroom to fix that?”  
Gerard went bright red. “Yeah, I might have to. I can’t see anything else scaring it away-“  
“THIS TRAIN IS BEING HIJACKED!” Men in balaclavas carrying automatic weapons strode down the carriage. “STAY IN YOUR SEATS! DO NOT MOVE, AND DO NOT MAKE A SOUND! IF YOU DO AS YOU ARE TOLD, WE WILL NOT HURT YOU!”  
Gerard glanced down. “…Well, that ought to do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was common on the Enterprise trains. Every historical detail in this story, however horrific, is true. Remember that when you scroll through.


	28. 28

“Oh my God. Why do we get hijacked the one time I’m not armed?” Gerard shook his head in despair. “Erin, I promised I’d protect you, I PROMISED-“  
“Gerard, don’t worry.” Erin hugged him. “This happens all the time. It just means the train will stop for a while, and then there’s an open bar for the rest of the trip. Aged whisky for you, Gerard?”  
“I…” Gerard was still pasty white. “So… this is normal?” What the fuck is wrong with this country that hijacking trains is routine?  
“Yeah, they just want to rob the mail car. No one ever gets hurt. Don’t worry.” Erin snuggled up to him. “Don’t worry. It’s more an inconvenience than a danger. It’s happened to me three times. I’m used to it.” She smiled and stroked his face. “Everything’s going to be OK.”  
“OK.” Gerard smiled weakly. “I love you.”  
Erin stroked his face. “I love you too.” She glanced around. “Anyone notice the quick handjob?”  
Gerard sighed. “No, I think they were distracted by, you know, THE HIJACKING.”  
“Pussies.” Erin rolled her eyes.  
Gerard just shook his head in despair, and then the train started to move with a jolt. “Wow. Was… was that really it?” Seriously? Way to be a pussy, Special Forces.  
“Yeah. See? Pussies.” Erin got up. “Whisky? I’m going to the bar.”  
“Sure, uh, double please.” Gerard was still slightly stunned.  
“Eh, I’ll bring a bottle.” Erin shrugged and headed off down the carriage, veering from side to side as the train jolted roughly on the poorly-built tracks.

Within about half an hour, no one on the train cared about being hijacked. Erin and Gerard were happily passing the whisky back and forth, when Erin wobbled to her feet and announced that she was going to the bathroom.  
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “OK?”  
She grinned and leaned in, pulling down one side of her jeans a little to show him a flash of purple silk. “Want to follow me in about ten minutes…publicly?”  
Gerard stared at her. “Oh, hell, yes…”  
Erin smiled and kissed him. “I thought you might like that…”  
She sashayed off towards the bathroom, locking the door and quickly stripping down to the purple silk camisole and thong set that her friend had brought her from London, and then looked around for where to pose. The toilet in a train carriage was not a romantic place, especially since there was no lid on the toilet, and the last place she wanted to be when he came in was sitting on the toilet. She settled for leaning against a wall and smiling seductively, trying to ignore the odd smell and making sure that none of her clothes were touching the floor.  
Outside, Gerard was desperately trying to figure out which of the four toilet cubicles Erin was in. He tried knocking politely on the door of one, and got a frantic scream of “OH GOD, OH GOD, DON’T COME IN, I’VE GOT THE SHITS!”  
Well, that’ll kill the romance. Gerard looked around hopelessly and tentatively called “Erin?”  
A hand shot out of one of the cubicles and pulled him inside, locking the door behind them. “Idiot.” Erin was grinning as she looked up at him, stroking his face.  
“Oh…ohhh…” Gerard stared at her outfit. “You look… wow…” He reached out and slipped his finger under the purple lace shoulder strap, sliding it slowly off her shoulder with his fingertip. “God, Erin, imagine how hot this would be if we weren’t in the bogs…”  
“It can still be hot.” Erin smiled and kissed him deeply. “Do you like it?”  
Gerard looked her up and down,“…Yes.” He swallowed, fighting the urge to pin her to the wall right there. “Yes… yes, I do.”  
Erin smiled. “Do you want to fuck me in it, Gerard? Do you?”  
Gerard let out a slow, shuddering breath. “Yes.”  
“Well… why don’t we?” Erin raised an eyebrow.  
Gerard nodded slowly, reaching out and untying the ribbon of one lace strap of the camisole, letting one side fall loose to Erin’s waist. “Oh… oh my God…”  
“You want me, don’t you?” Erin put her hand on his, pressing Gerard’s palm against her bare chest.  
Gerard could feel her heart beating, her chest rising and falling as she breathed, and he sighed and took a step forward, breathing in the scent of Erin’s skin. “God, Erin, you smell incredible…”  
Erin smiled and ran her finger down the side of Gerard’s face. “And you want me.”  
“Yes…” Gerard took a deep breath, sliding his hand up the side of Erin’s neck. “Yes, I do.”  
“Well then…” Erin grabbed him and kissed him hard, helping him pull off his shirt and undo his pants, letting them drop to the floor. “I’d ask if you wanted to pin me down, but… there’s not much space…”  
“Cramped transport toilets are awkward as hell.” Gerard grinned. “I think you might be about to find out why even I never joined the mile-high club…”  
Erin laughed as he pushed her against the wall, his hand under the silk camisole as he kissed her frantically, trying to ignore the discomfort of the sink digging into his back. “OK, Gerard, we have to be quiet…”  
“Mmm, quiet, I’m sure can do that…” Gerard pulled off the camisole and started to kiss her neck and breasts, his hands in her hair. “God, Erin, I love you…”  
“I love you too…” Erin pressed herself against his bare skin, pushing up against him and guiding his hand to the ribbon tie at the side of her silk panties and pulling it loose, allowing them to fall to the ground. “Gerard, I’m so turned on right now, please…”  
“Erin…” Gerard moved his hand to pull down his boxers and his elbow hit the tap, accidentally turning it on and drenching all their clothes. “Oh shit, SHIT-“ Erin shoved him out of the way and pulled her jeans and sweater out of the water. “Gerard, your shirt-“  
“I don’t care…” Gerard kissed her deeply and pushed her back against the wall. “The hell with my shirt…”  
“God, this is so hot…” Erin grinned as he kissed her again, lifting her up in his arms, and she quickly shook her head. “Just not the toilet, Gerard, please don’t fuck me on the toilet…” He wouldn’t do that, right? Right?  
Gerard swore to himself. Well, there goes Plan A. He braced her against the wall and stroked her face, quickly judging the height of the countertop. “Never…” Not now, anyway.  
Erin smiled. “I love you.”  
Gerard kissed her. “I love you too.” He took a deep breath, lifted her up onto the countertop, and kissed her hard, finally kicking off his boxers. He smiled and kissed her deeply, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, hearing her sigh quietly into his ear as he pushed slowly inside her. “Does that feel OK?”  
“Oh yes, oh yes…” Erin was balanced perilously close to the sink. “I’m so turned on from before, Gerard, the look on your face, it was… Christ, this is so hot, harder, Gerard, please…”  
Gerard wrapped his arms more tightly around her and started to push harder and faster, Erin’s sighs turning into quiet moans and whimpers as she struggled to hold back cries of pleasure. “Gerard, tell me this is good for you…”  
“Are you kidding? This is so many of my fantasies in one…” Gerard kissed her hard, running his fingertips across her skin and hearing a quiet sound of longing escape from deep in her throat. “Beautiful redhead… beautiful silk… public place where we could get caught at any moment…” Not to mention a man on the other side of the wall with the godawful shits. Just don’t think about that, Gerard. Don’t think about that. “I… I love you so much…”  
“Not as much as I love you.” Erin wrapped her legs around his hips and started to pull him deeper inside her, stifling a scream. “This feels wonderful, oh God, oh God…”  
“I bet it doesn’t feel as good as what you did out there…” Gerard smiled and kissed her passionately, remembering his shock when his devout Catholic school girlfriend had suddenly decided to give him the handjob to end all handjobs in the middle of a crowded train carriage, just because she knew he liked to do it in public. “God, Erin, I love you so much…”  
“ I love you too…”Erin hugged him tighter, letting her head fall back and her long red hair cascade down her back as he kissed her neck.  
“God, Erin, you have no idea how good this feels…” Gerard buried his face in the side of her neck. “Oh, I can’t believe you’d do this for me, and… and outside, oh my GOD…”  
Erin raised an eyebrow. “‘Oh my God’ indeed.” She leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Maybe we could try something else on the way back…”  
Gerard stared at her. “Oh, Erin, you’re perfect…” He leaned forwards and kissed her deeply, pressing his body against hers. “God, Erin, nothing has ever felt this good…”  
“I know, I know…” Erin kissed him back, pushing her hips forwards. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…”  
“This feels amazing, Erin…” Gerard started to kiss her neck and chest, his arms tight around her waist. “Oh Erin…”  
Erin smiled. “Oh, I bet it does, oh Gerard, oh, that feels so- SHIT!”  
The train jerked and Erin swore and fell off the counter and onto the floor, all flailing arms and legs as she cursed loudly, and Gerard had to fight to hold back laughter. “You want to stop, Erin?”  
“Because of impracticality? Hell no…” Erin pulled him down onto the floor, forcing him back against the toilet, angling her hips and pulling him on top of her, biting her lip to keep from screaming as he started to thrust harder and harder. “Worth it?”  
“Oh… oh yes…” Gerard grabbed her face and pulled her in close to kiss her, wrapping his arms tightly around her back. “Oh God, Erin, I can’t believe we’re having sex on the floor of a train toilet…”  
“Well, I can’t believe I’m lying naked on the floor of a train with my legs braced against the toilet…” Erin pulled a face, then swore quietly and grabbed at his back as he began to push deeper and deeper. “Oh, oh Gerard, I don’t care about the toilet or the weird sticky patch on the floor, just kiss me…”  
“At least your feet aren’t practically IN the toilet…” Gerard was struggling to hold back laughter, even as jolts of pleasure shot through him. “Jesus, Erin, I don’t even care if my shoe falls in the toilet, you’re that good, this feels that amazing…” And if I’d known this was going to happen, I’d have tied the laces on my boots.  
“Oh, I know, I know…” Erin kissed him passionately, pushing her hips up against him as hard as she could. “Oh God, Gerard, harder, harder, please, oh…”  
“Erin…” Gerard heard a splash as his boot fell off and swore to himself. That shoe was definitely having a long soak in the sink before he was putting it anywhere near his foot again. “Oh Erin, Erin, Erin…” He cradled the sides of her face in his hands, kissing her gently. “I love you so, so much…”  
“Oh… oh God…” Erin felt her head start to rhythmically bump against the door of the toilet as Gerard moved faster and harder, and she burst out laughing. “God, this is so funny, this is the most undignified sex in the world and I LOVE it…”  
“Well, I love you…” Gerard kept kissing her, pulling himself backwards and Erin further from the door until his knees were awkwardly contorted against the wall and his butt was almost up against the toilet as Erin whispered his name, her hips pushing upwards. “Erin, Jesus, that feels fantastic…”  
“It does, it does…” Erin could feel her hair tangling against the floor beneath her as she smiled and pulled him closer, burying her face in the side of his neck. “Harder, Gerard, harder…”  
Gerard hesitated. He wasn’t sure he could actually GO any harder. He made a mental note to work out more and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling himself as hard and fast as he could inside her and feeling her body start to tremor, strangled whimpers in her throat. “Does that feel good?”  
“Yes, oh yes, more, more…” Erin was holding him so tight he could barely breathe, her eyes fluttering closed and a smile spreading across her face. “More, Gerard, more…”  
“…More?” Gerard already felt like he’d run a marathon. “I… I…” A sudden jolt of unbelievable pleasure shot through him and he swore, pulling her close as he pushed harder and harder, fighting not to cry out her name. “Oh…oh, Jesus, Erin…”  
“Gerard, oh, I’m so close, Gerard…” Erin was starting to shake, fighting to hold back moans as he started to kiss her neck and chest, her body pushing upwards into his. “Gerard, please, tell me you’re close…”  
Thank God. Oh, thank God. “Yes, Erin, yes, I am…” Gerard’s arms were tightening around her as she breathed faster and harder, her hands scrabbling at his back and a long cry starting deep in her throat, and he leaned in and kissed her hard, stifling her scream as she came violently, her whole body shaking and her head arching backward as he came himself with a sharp jerk and punch of intense pleasure, followed by a loud thump and splash as his other boot bounced off the wall and fell into the toilet. “Erin… oh, Erin, oh God, I love you…”  
“I love you too.” Erin smiled and stroked the side of his face. “Well, that was… adventurous.”  
“That was insane.” Gerard grinned and kissed her. “We SO need to take a flight sometime…”  
“Mmmmmm, we do…” Erin smiled lazily and traced her finger up his side. “Reckon that’d be even better?”  
“I think if you wore the black one and I held your wrists above your head and pinned you to the wall the whole time, I’d come about ten times in a row.” Gerard laughed.  
Erin grinned. “You’re fantasising about that right now, aren’t you?”  
Gerard blushed. “Yes.”  
“One step at a time, Romance Boy. One step at a time.” Erin kissed him gently. “OK, G. We need to get up. The floor is sticky and gross and I’m lying on a wet patch of… something.”  
Gerard sighed. “Ok, but you know I love lying with you like this…" He smiled. "It’s wonderful.. I love you so much." He kissed her, smiled again, and sat up, pulling up his jeans and fishing his shoes gingerly out of the toilet as Erin wrung out her soaked clothes.  
“I love you too.” Erin kissed him. “But this was still fun, despite having to get up?”  
“SO MUCH FUN.” Gerard could barely wait for the evening, practically drooling as Erin looked him in the eye with a small smile playing on her face as she ever-so-slowly tied all the ribbons and fastenings on her underwear. “Jesus… Jesus, Erin, you’re killing me…”  
Erin just smiled back, and Gerard felt a twinge of disappointment as she finally pulled on her clothes. “You’re wearing the black corset one tonight, though, right? Right?” Jeez, Gerard, way to sound cool.  
“Right…” Erin smiled. “And you can fasten me into that thing as tight as YOU want, and only let me out when YOU want to…”  
Gerard made a quiet sound of longing, and Erin laughed quietly. “And hey, until then…” She lifted a corner of her shirt, giving him a flash of purple silk and lace. “Just remember… you can always imagine what I’m wearing under here…”  
“Jesus, Erin…” Gerard wrung out his shirt and thoroughly washed his shoes using hand soap, finally pulling them on and letting her take his hand, leading him confidently out of the bathroom in her wet sweater and jeans. “You are… wow…”  
Erin looked him up and down and gave him a devilish look. “Damn straight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've joined the mile-high club. It's cramped, undignified, and great fun, so I wrote from experience.
> 
> I am, however, banned from Avianca for life.


	29. 29

Dear Mikey, 

We just arrived. You would not believe what happened on the trip down. We got hijacked. HIJACKED.

Erin said it was normal though… and then there was an open bar and we got a whole bottle of whisky for free.

Also… other things.

Love, Gerard XOXO

\- - - - - -

April 14, 1972

“So… Erin was laced tightly into her corset, trailing her fingers tantalisingly across the silk fabric as they walked. “Where are we going tonight? Anywhere you like… specially? We’ve already passed Temple Bar, so we’re-”  
“There… there is one place.” Gerard blushed, fidgeting a litlle with the edges of the black silk one-piece under his clothes. “It’s just up here… dark, candles in bottles on the tables, low lighting… you can be anyone there, and no one gives a damn…”  
“Hmmm…” Erin took a step forward and kissed him gently, twirling a strand of his hair around her finger. “And who do YOU want to be tonight, G?”  
“A guy with the best girlfriend in the world.” Gerard smiled and kissed her, hugging her close. “Hey, what’s with this ‘G’ thing?”  
Erin shrugged. “Said it on the train. Liked it.”  
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “So ‘G’ is my new nickname?”  
Erin smiled and kissed him. “Yup.”  
He grinned. “Do I get a say?”  
Erin smiled innocently. “Nope.”  
“Well, it’s a damn good thing I like it then, isn’t it?” Gerard smiled and kissed her hard, pinning her wrists to a wall. “DAMN good…”  
Erin stifled a giggle and wriggled free. “Gerard, we haven’t even got to the bar yet…” She bit her lip, giving her skirt a quick flip up so he could see the silk ties on her black underwear and the tiny red bows on the black suspenders attached to her stockings. “And isn’t the whole thing about anticipation?”  
“Sometimes…” Gerard looked her up and down and took her hand in his, stroking it with her thumb. “I think a neat whisky when we get there…”  
“Just a neat whisky?” Erin raised her eyebrows, a sparkle in her carefully lined and shadowed eyes.  
“And then maybe a little something else…” Gerard grinned and kissed her ear as they walked into the dingy bar, taking a quiet booth near the back. “Jesus, Erin, you smell fantastic…”  
“Patience, G…” Erin took his hand and slid it up her leg and under her skirt, his fingers fidgeting with the bows on her suspenders. “So… whisky?”  
Gerard was staring under the table. “Huh?”  
Erin sighed. “I’ll go and get it, shall I?” She got up, bending to whisper into his ear. “The entire bar wants me…”  
Gerard stared after her as she walked to the bar, wearing the tight black corseted top, flared skirt, and lace stockings Gerard had chosen for her. His eyes were heavily lined in black with shades of red eyeshadow applied in deep smears and his hair mussed up, and although he wasn’t sure at first, he thought he liked it. He had pinned her red hair high on her head and curled it loosely where it hung around her face, and than carefully lined her green eyes in black and made them up in smokey shades of green, with several layers of the same black mascara he was wearing himself.   
She was right. Every eye in the room was on her as she walked and leaned over the bar, shouting their order to the bartender over the noise in the room and pointing at Gerard in the booth. Hell, GERARD couldn’t take his eyes off her as she made her way back to the table with their drinks in her stack heel boots, her St Gerard medal barely visible above the her lace-trimmed corseted pushed-up chest.  
“Two whiskies and one maraschino cherry… and they must have remembered you, G.” Erin smiled, sliding his whisky across the table. “They didn’t charge me a thing!”  
“I… I’m not sure that’s why, Erin,” managed Gerard, trying not to stare too obviously at her chest. “You look… you look stunning…”  
“Oh, I do, do I?” Erin smiled mischievously and slipped the maraschino cherry into her mouth.  
Gerard frowned. “What are you-“ She promptly pulled out the cherry, its stem tied in a perfect knot, and he almost came in his pants. “Jesus, Erin…”  
“Do you like the lace on my corset, G?” Erin smiled, running her hand along the lace-trimmed top of her corset.  
“…Yes.” Gerard’s hand was back on her leg, sliding up past the suspenders and fingering the edge of her lace panties. “Do you like this?”  
“Yes.” Erin’s breathing was getting heavier, and then his hand was sliding inside her underwear and she jerked. “G-“  
“Ssssshhhhh…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her, putting his other arm around her shoulder and starting to touch and stroke her as he kissed her cheek gently, watching her fingernails digging into the wood of the table. “They won’t hear a thing…”  
Erin was trying to control her breathing, talking almost silently under her breath with one hand on his knee. “Oh, that feels wonderful, Gerard…” Erin arched her neck in a fake stretch, smiling as he began to kiss the base of her throat and lifting her hips as he slipped her silk panties down a few inches, beginning to stroke her faster and more intensely, moving his fingers skillfully. “Oh Gerard, oh, that feels so good…”   
“Erin, you know I love it when I get to touch you…” Gerard kissed her cheek.  
Erin stroked his leg. “Oh I love it too, I love it too, you always feel so good…” Beats of pleasure were slowly beginning to spread through her as he touched her, expertly stroking and rubbing as her breath caught in her throat. “Oh Gerard, oh yes, oh please… She dug her fingernails into his knee, pressing the side of her body as hard as she could against his. “Oh, that feels so, so, so good…”  
“Erin, I love you so much…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her passionately, moving his fingers faster and hearing her breath catch. “Tell me that feels good…”  
“Oh Gerard, oh yes…” Jolts of pleasure were shooting through her body, becoming more and more powerful with every touch. “Oh, Gerard… oh, this feels so good…”  
“Mmmm, it does?” Gerard was stroking her bare shoulder with his thumb and she shivered, a thrill running through her body.  
“Oh, OH yes…” The jolts of pleasure were intensifying and shooting faster and faster through her body, her fingernails gouging deep scratches in the tabletop. “Yes, it feels wonderful… Oh, kiss me, Gerard, kiss me…” Erin squeezed his knee tightly and Gerard smiled, leaned in, and kissed her deeply, her breath fast and heavy in his mouth. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…”  
“Erin, you have no idea how much I love you.” Gerard kissed her gently, somehow keeping a straight face as he moved his fingers faster and faster, the sensations of pleasure beating through her body becoming stronger and stronger as she thrust her hips up against his fingers.   
“Gerard, Gerard, I love you, I love you so much…” Jolts of unbelievable pleasure were racing through her body, coming faster and faster, and Erin could hardly breathe. “Gerard… oh Gerard…” She pulled him in and kissed him hard, heavy waves of pleasure began to overcome her. “Gerard…” She could barely breathe, trying to force herself not to move and fighting the need to push herself harder and harder against him.. “Oh G, I… I love you… I… oh God, I-”  
Gerard kissed her hard, stifling her scream as she came, pulling his hand out from under her skirt and running his fingertips gently across her the bare skin of back. “Erin, I love you so much, I would do anything for you, tell me you know that, promise me you know that…” He looked deeply into her eyes. “Promise me…”  
“I… I promise.” Erin swallowed, her face flushed, and laid her head on his chest. “I’ve always known that, Gerard. Always.”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her forehead, hugging her tight. “I’m glad.”  
Erin stroked his face. “And never forget that I love you.”  
Gerard kissed her. “And I will never forget that you love me.”  
“So…” Erin looked up at him casually. “You know, G, I think I might need the bathroom. Can you show me where it is?”  
Gerard’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, good God, Erin, I love you-“  
“I know.” Erin smiled innocently, glanced both ways, and led him into the ladies’ bathroom, checking each cubicle. “It’s empty. Barricade the door.” Erin looked around and saw a small cosmetics counter and chair on the other side of the room. “Gerard, grab that chair and jam it under the door handle.”  
Gerard shook his head. “Erin, you’re a natural-“  
“BARRICADE THAT DOOR!”  
“Yes ma’am.” Gerard meekly scrambled across the room and wedged the door shut. “What now?”  
“Now, Gerard, you are going to tell me exactly what you want me to do, and when you want me to do it.” Erin advanced on him slowly, her voice sultry. “So… do you want me on the counter, Gerard? Do you? Do you want me up against the wall?”  
“I… I…” Gerard leaned in close, his breath hot on her face. “No, what I want is you on your back on the floor RIGHT NOW, and I want you to CALL ME SIR!”  
“Yes, Gerard, oh yes…” Erin nodded frantically, climbing down onto the floor and lying on her back. “Tell me what you want, EXACTLY what you want…”  
“ARMS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!” Gerard leaned forward, his face an inch from hers.   
“Yes, sir!” Erin obediently held her hands above her head.  
“I’m not sure I heard that…” Gerard grinned. “Any chance you could repeat that for me?”  
“I SAID YES, SIR!” A smile was spreading across Erin’s face as he pinned her wrists to the floor.  
“That’s BETTER!” Gerard tightened his grip on her wrists, and Erin tentatively curled her fingers, entwining them with his. For a second, Gerard smiled a little, and then he was pinning her harder to the floor, a fire in his eyes..” I WILL be telling you what to do, AND YOU WILL DO IT. ARE WE CLEAR?”  
Erin looked into his eyes. “YES, SIR!“  
“Good.” Gerard kissed her roughly, his breath on her face. “God, I love you… NOW SPREAD YOUR LEGS!”  
“YES, SIR!” Erin quickly spread her legs for him. “And I love you too.” Erin affectionately stroked his hands with her thumbs. “God, Gerard, this is so much fun-“  
“Shut your dirty mouth.” Gerard grinned, releasing one of Erin’s hands and pulling his trousers down to his thighs, tearing open the flap at the front of his lingerie set and shoving Erin’s hand inside. “You know exactly what I want, and if you’re not fucking ready, this is going to fucking hurt.”   
“Oh, yes, I’m ready, oh God, Gerard, I’m so ready, I’m so turned on, I want you so much. you have no idea, and now I’m going to turn you on too, I’m going to make you NEED me…” Erin slowly started to fondle and stroke him, tracing her fingers up and down, and Gerard swore under his breath. “Does that feel good?”  
“Oh God, yes, it does, it does…” Gerard whimpered quietly, grabbing Erin’s hand and yanking it out, pinning it back above her head and kissing her hard, his teeth snagging on her lip as he raised an eyebrow and hissed “I hope you’re ready, or this is REALLY going to fucking hurt…” Erin made a fake small whimpering noise in her throat, thrusting her hips upwards. “I’M READY, SIR!”  
“BEG ME FOR IT!”  
“PLEASE, SIR, PLEASE, I’M READY!”  
“TELL ME YOU WANT IT!”  
“I WANT IT, OH GOD, SIR, I WANT IT!”  
“YOU WANT IT?”  
“OH GOD, YES, SIR, I WANT IT!”  
Gerard’s eyed her carefully, a look of concern for her in his eyes, before finally slowly, carefully moving forward to push inside her. Erin let out a long sigh, her fingers curling around Gerard’s hands as he pinned him hard against the floor.  
“God, Erin, tell me that doesn’t hurt…” Gerard was biting his lip as he pushed gently into her, looking into her eyes.  
Erin shook her head. “No, Gerard, it doesn’t hurt, I swear…”  
Gerard leaned down and pressed his mouth against Erin’s ear. “And is that good?”  
“Oh GOD, yes!” Erin let out a shallow gasp as Gerard started to push deeper and harder, his hands tightening around Erin’s wrists as he snarled “I SAID, IS THAT GOOD,?”  
“SIR, YES, SIR!” Erin’s smiled. “Sir, am I permitted to tell you that I love you more than anything in the entire world?”  
“You may.” Gerard smiled a little. “And I feel the same about you.”  
“Oh God, oh God, oh God…” Erin was breathing heavily, intense jolts of pleasure shooting through her body, and Gerard smiled again, leaned down, and kissed her passionately, pressing her body against the cold tile floor. “Oh God, oh Gerard, oh GERARD…”  
“I’m going to go harder now. Is that acceptable?” Gerard flicked his tongue against Erin’s ear and Erin made a strangled whimper. “I SAID, IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?”  
“YES, SIR!” Erin had a huge grin on her face.  
“I SAID, IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?”  
“YES, SIR!”  
“Well, then…” Erin swore as the pleasure thrusting through her body intensified as Gerard pushed harder and harder inside her, her entire body jerking. “Christ, Gerard, this is so fucking hot…”  
Gerard barely suppressed a smile. “I know…” He kissed her harder, listening to Erin’s whimpers of pleasure and kissing her more and more passionately. “Erin, you feel fantastic, you’re amazing, you’re the most perfect girl in the world…”  
“Gerard, I feel the same, I love you so much, and you feel incredible, you do…” Powerful jolts of pleasure were racing through Erin’s body and it was all she could do not to scream his name at the top of her voice. “I will always love you.”  
“And I will always love you.” Gerard smiled, now holding her hands tightly in his and stroking them with his thumbs as he pinned them above her head, and then snarled “I’m going to go deeper now. IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?”  
“YES, SIR!” Erin already felt like she was going to die from pleasure.  
“I’M NOT SURE I HEARD THAT. I SAID, IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?”  
“YES, SIR!”  
“God, I love you…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her deeply, pushing deeper and deeper and hearing her let out a cry as an almost unbearable jolt of pleasure shot through her. “Erin… oh, God, tell me I haven’t hurt you?”  
Erin shook her head frantically. “No, no, it was… it just felt so good, I…” Erin smiled up at him. “Kiss me, Gerard.” She tickled his ankled with her toes. “Just kiss me…”  
“Christ, Erin…” Gerard leaned in and kissed her deeply, barely able to catch his breath between kisses. “I love you so much, I don’t want to hurt you, I really don’t want to hurt you…”  
“Gerard, you won’t.” Erin swallowed nervously. “Might I ask that you go faster, Sir?  
Gerard’s heart sank. Shit. He was still sore from the last time. “YOU WANT ME TO GO FASTER?”  
Erin grinned. “YES, SIR!”  
“BEG FOR IT!”  
“FASTER, PLEASE, FASTER!”  
“WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”  
Erin kicked herself. “I MEAN, PLEASE, SIR, PLEASE GO FASTER!”  
“That’s better…” Gerard cursed to himself and started to push faster and deeper, Erin trying desperately not to scream as almost unbearable pleasure began to overcome her.  
“Gerard, I… I’m so close, oh God…” Erin could feel her body start to tremor. “May I… May I ask if I may come, sir?”  
Gerard sent up a silent prayer of thanks. “You want to COME?”  
Erin was right on the edge, the sensation of pleasure becoming excruciating. “YES, SIR, PLEASE, I NEED IT, SIR!”  
Gerard leaned in and kissed her. “You may.”  
A second later Erin came more powerfully than she ever had before, her whole body singing and powerful sensations of pleasure exploding inside her as she blacked out for a second, vaguely hearing Gerard cry out as he came himself and collapsed beside her.  
“Oh… oh, Gerard…” Erin’s mind was still slightly hazy. “I… oh…”  
“Erin…” Gerard was caressing her face, kissing her over and over. “Oh, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too.” Erin stroked his cheek. “Did you enjoy that?”  
“ENJOY IT?!” Gerard couldn’t believe she even had to ask. “Erin, it was incredible. YOU were incredible.”  
“Did it… well it was a bit more affectionate than I’d expected.” Erin blushed. “I mean, after the start-“  
“I know. It’s never been like that before,” admitted Gerard, looking embarrassed. “I mean, I LOVED the lingerie, I want to use that again, all the time, but the other stuff… I do the whole tough thing, but I had to tell you I loved you, and I needed you, and… and I didn’t say anything, but I was actually concerned for you sometimes.”  
Erin frowned. “Why concerned?”  
He smiled and kissed her. “Because I didn’t want to risk hurting you, safe words or not, however stupid it sounds…”  
“Oh, G, I love you so much.” Erin smiled. “Maybe next time… when we’re more used to it.”  
“Maybe.” Gerard kissed her gently. “And I love you too… I mean, this… the lingerie… the public places… everything else…” He bit his lip. “You’re perfect.”  
Erin raised her eyebrows. “Perfect?”  
“Perfect.” Gerard smiled. “You’re you.”  
“And you’re you.” Erin kissed him. “And I’ll love you for it forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy it, because shit's about to get REAL.


	30. 30

Dear Mikey, 

I tell you a lot of things, but no way in hell am I telling you about last night.

Holy shit, that girl.

God, I love her.

But today… we have to go shopping. All day. For at least two dresses, sets of accessories, and pairs of shoes.

At what price, Mikes. At what price.

Love, Gerard XOXO

\- - - - - -

April 15, 1972

“OK, Gerard.” Erin snuggled up to him in their hotel bed. “I know you can always claim paranoia in the North to stop talking, but… out with it. What’s wrong?”  
“What?” Gerard did his best to feign innocence. “Nothing’s wrong…” Aside from the size of next month’s credit card bill.  
“Gerard. Something’s wrong.” Erin looked up at him. “You’re clingy. You barely sleep. You pace endlessly, and recently you’ve been obsessed with that damn Difference Engine. You tell me how much you love me constantly, even if the only place I’m going is to the bathroom.”  
“I’ve always been restless, and you know what I’m like with my inventions.” Gerard looked away. “And since when is my telling you I love you a bad thing?”  
“Gerard, it’s not, and please don’t get defensive. I’m not angry. I love you. I’m worried about you.” Erin kissed him gently. “But I’m worried. You’ve never been this thin, and you’re getting more and more paranoid. Gerard, you weigh about as much as one of my thighs. I can feel your ribs when I hug you, and you fit into my skinny jeans and T-shirts. Hell, you STEAL my skinny jeans and T-shirts, but that’s another conversation entirely. Something is wrong, so if you love me, TELL ME.”  
“I… I…” Gerard sighed. “OK, Erin, I am worried. Someone is… sniffing around. I’m trained. I know when someone’s gone through my mail, been sneaking around the outside of my house, been peering in my windows. I noticed the same signs at your house. At first I thought it was IRA, but now it’s happening at your house too? I have no idea. And then… OK, don’t get mad, but last week, I followed you home a few times.” He paused, feeling a curl of fear as Erin’s eyes narrowed. “But only from like a half a mile back, if that helps?”  
“You FOLLOWED me HOME?” Erin sat bolt upright, clutching the sheets around herself. “Gerard, do you have any idea what a violation that is?!”  
Gerard sat up beside her and took her hand. “Yes, and I’m sorry, but I need to tell you something.” He took a deep breath. “Erin, someone else was following you too.”  
“Someone ELSE?!” Erin threw her hands up. “How many stalkers do I have?!”  
“So far, just the one.” Gerard blushed.” Well, two, I guess, counting me, but that’s-“  
“GERARD, GET ON WITH IT!”  
“Erin, he was about 400m behind you, the whole way home. Don’t worry, he never made me. Clearly, he’s just not as good.” Gerard managed to fight the urge to preen. “I never followed him any further, because I guarded your house all night, but it means I have no idea who he was. Dark clothing, slight stature, DEFINITELY military trained…. but last I saw, he was headed for the city centre. It’s been… it’s been five nights now in a row. Now… I don’t know.” Gerard shook his head. “British Army, maybe?”  
Erin frowned. “Why would the British Army be following YOU?”  
“That’s it. They’re not. I’m not the one they’re interested in. Someone is snooping around my house and my life, but they’re not following me, they’re following you. Anyone trying to follow me? I would have made them, no issue. That’s not a brag, that’s a fact.” Gerard looked at her. “Erin… the only thing I can think of is that I haven’t been returning valid or valuable information to my handler. The Army is getting suspicious, and they want to know why one of their best operatives is suddenly a dud… so they’ve focused on you.” He bit his lip and hugged her tight. “I didn’t want to scare you, but… I’m scared for you, Erin. I’m scared they might take you, or hurt you, or disappear you, or…” He trailed off blankly, shaking his head. “Erin, the things they might do to you… you don’t even want to know. They have… places… where they take people. Places that have never existed, don’t exist, and will never exist. If they take you there… no one would ever find you. I would search for the rest of my life, and I would never find you.” He smiled a little and kissed her. “Not that that would stop me trying.”  
Erin stared at him. “You really think they might hurt me?”  
“The British Army? Yes. And have no doubt: they won’t even think about it. They WILL hurt you.” Gerard gritted his teeth. “That’s if it IS the Army. It could be… it could be a half-dozen others. People angry at your father, people angry at me, people who found out I’m a soldier and think you’re a tout, IRA, RUC, Loyalist groups… I just don’t know. Or… or it could be- no. no, I don’t even want to think about that It’s not that, it can’t be that…” He put his arms around her and hugged her as close as he could as she kissed his cheek and laid her head on his shoulder. “This is why I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t sit still. This is why I tell you I love you every time one of us leaves the room. It’s… it’s…” He started to cry. “Erin, I don’t know what to do, I just don’t know what to do. The only thing we have on our side is that they’re not as good as I am, but I can’t be with you every minute of every day. Just… watch your back. Call your dad and tell him someone’s following you, and he’ll deal with any IRA trying to mess with his daughter. I’ll call my handlers and give them some moderately useful, non-compromising information I learned from you, and that’ll deal with the Army and RUC. I’ll give you a gun and show you how to use it, and teach you some basic self-defence and counter-surveillance in the garage while I run the Difference Engine in the background to cover it up to anyone listening.” Erin opened her mouth and Gerard waved her away. “No. I know you disagree with any kind of violence, but this is life and death. YOUR life. Whoever is following you will probably have a gun and you need to not only have your own, but to know how to use it. In the meantime… learn how to do basic surveillance of your environment, take different routes to and from locations every time, and always, ALWAYS keep an eye on what’s going around you as you walk.”  
“I-“ Erin stopped. “Gerard, I think I’ve seen him.”  
Gerard froze. “What?”  
“It was only from a few streets away… me and Caitlin met up at your house, and she pointed him out because she thought he was cute, and the second he realised I’d seen him he just hauled ass out of there. It seemed… WRONG. He didn’t full-out run, but he dodged into the alleyways and got the hell out of there. Do you think… maybe… that could be him?”  
Gerard tried to keep his voice calm. “Erin, I need a description, NOW.”  
“Umm…” Erin thought about it. “Small and slight. Jeans, black Genesis logo T-shirt, with thick black hair and a side part, thick side fringe, with pale-ish skin, but not as pale as yours. I swear he looked right at me.” She looked at Gerard as he sat in silence, staring at his knees and snow white with fear. “…you know who he is, don’t you, G?”  
Gerard nodded silently.  
“Should I…” Erin swallowed. “Should I be afraid, G?”  
“I…” Honesty, Gerard. Honesty. “Yes. Yes, Erin, you should be afraid.” Gerard hugged her tighter, kissing her cheeks as she started to cry. “I’m so, so sorry, Erin. I know you’d want me to be honest, and that’s the truth. This is all my fault, and I will spend as much time as I can with you every single day, I will LIVE with you if I have to, I’d do anything for you, I’d DIE for you, I would, and I’m so sorry I might not be able to protect you, but… but… my house is set up as a fortress. I’ve told you. I have nine guns hidden around my house, including a MAC-10 automatic under the couch and another stashed under the bed, and I’m trained in three kinds of serious hand to hand combat. There is absolutely no way anyone is going to get the jump on me. I’ve designed it to protect you, Erin, but when you’re out in the world… you’re just Erin. Actually, no. You’re not JUST Erin. Being Erin Kelly is a very, VERY dangerous thing right now, because if the British Army have picked up on your compromising me as an agent, or the IRA have found out that you know I’m SAS, then… anything can happen. And this guy… I think I do know him. If it is him, he is very, VERY dangerous to you. I’m not going to lie to you, Erin. It’s your right that you know that.”  
Erin nodded slowly. “Am I… am I going to die?”  
“I… if he…” Gerard took a deep breath, wiping his eyes. “You… He's a bad guy, Erin. I knew him before, when he was kind and funny and sweet, but he's turning hard and cruel and sadistic, so... I just don’t know. It depends on how far he's lost it by now.”  
Erin nodded again. “I understand.” She bit her lip and laid her head on his chest, almost clinging to him. “I can feel your heart again, Gerard.” She sniffed and kissed his chest. “You once promised me it was yours…”  
“That’s because it is.” Gerard kissed her. “I love you more than anything in the world, and… it wasn’t just a line. I would die for you. I wouldn’t even have to think about it.”  
“I love you more than anything in the world too.” Erin managed a wobbly smile. “And I would, and will, die for you.”  
“But you don’t have to.” Gerard kissed her. “Erin, I will teach you to survive, OK? It’ll all be fine. Hell, it might just be your garden-variety creep. It’s going to be fine. It’s all going to be fine.” He forced a smile. “I promise, Erin, I will never forget that you love me.” He looked into her eyes. “If you promise to never forget that I love you.”  
“And I swear I will never forget that you love me, if you never forget that I love you.” Erin smiled a little. “Gerard…” She swallowed. “Have you heard of a poet called Pablo Neruda?”  
Gerard frowned. “Yes?”  
“He wrote a poem… a sonnet, really. Sonnet XCIV.” Erin looked away. “If… if this is as bad as it sounds, I want you to hear it.”  
Gerard sighed. “Erin, you-“  
“GERARD.” Erin looked him in the eye, and finally he nodded. “I need you to listen, OK? Really listen. Really understand and believe what I’m saying.”  
Gerard nodded silently, taking Erin’s hand in his.  
Erin cleared her throat, speaking in a clear, soft voice without even a hint of a tremble. “If I die, survive me with such sheer force that you waken the furies of the pallid and the cold, from south to south lift your indelible eyes, from sun to sun dream through your singing mouth. I don’t want your laughter or your steps to waver, I don’t want my heritage of joy to die. Don’t call up my person. I am absent. Live in my absence as if in a house. Absence is a house so vast that inside you will pass through its walls and hang pictures on the air. Absence is a house so transparent that I, lifeless, will see you, living, and if you suffer, my love, I will die again.”  
“Erin…” Gerard burst into tears. “Erin, you’re not going to die, you’re not-“  
“Gerard, if he’s this bad, I might.” Erin squeezed his hand. “You said so yourself.”  
Gerard shook his head frantically. “Erin, I-“  
“Gerard… if something does happen, I want you to remember it in my voice, not just as dead words on a page. Things could be about to get very, very difficult, and very, very complicated.” Erin pulled away for a minute. “Please. You keep saying you’ll always be with me, always protect me and be there for me, but… promise me it’ll always be like that. Promise me you’ll always be there for me.” She looked at him seriously. “Promise me you’ll never just give in, call it quits, and ditch me, however tough things get.”  
Gerard looked at her in shock. “Erin, I… I promise you, Erin. I promise with my life. You have to believe me. I would die for you, I would, I swear-”  
“Gerard. Gerard, I believe you.“ Erin smiled and kissed him, pulling him down into the bed. “I love you so, so much.”  
“Oh God, Erin…” Gerard hugged her tight, and suddenly Erin was pulling off her nightdress and kissing him passionately, wrapping her arms around him. “Oh God, Gerard, make love to me…” She clung to him as he undid his nightshirt, kissing his neck and chest. “Make me feel alive, make me feel close to you, oh God, Gerard, I need the closeness right now… I want to show you how much I love you, I need to, this could be the last chance we have-“  
“Erin-“  
“GERARD, YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF!” Erin was still kissing him desperately. “Gerard, please, please, I need you so much, I love you so much…”  
“Oh God, I love you too…” Gerard was frantically removing what was left of his clothes, cursing as his left leg got caught in his trouser leg. “Christ, Erin-“  
“Couples never really appreciate their last kiss, Gerard.” Erin looked at him “They never think it’s going to be their last kiss, so they always… a part of them always assumes there will be another one, so… so they never really savour it enough while it lasts, and then it’s too late…” She swallowed. “I just want to know that at least one of ours will be special, because I love you more than anything in the world… even though your pant leg is tangled on your foot right now and you’re flapping it around like a flag trying to kick it off.”  
“Well, I love you, and I always have, and I always will.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her passionately, his hands on the sides of her face and his thumbs stroking her cheeks as he finally kicked off the hateful pyjama pant leg. “More than I have ever loved anyone or anything.”  
Erin raised her eyebrows. ““Even more than a Mr Whippy ice cream with an extra flake?”  
Gerard smiled softly. “Even more than a Mr Whippy ice cream with an extra flake.”  
“Wow.” Erin nodded appreciatively. “That’s a LOT…” She smiled and kissed him. “It’s a good thing you’re the love of my life…”  
“It is…” Gerard kissed her gently as he slowly pushed inside her, a smile spreading across her face as he touched her. “Especially since you’re the love of my life too.”  
Erin stroked his face, holding him tight. “I feel so close to you right now…”  
“I know, I love feeling this close to you…” Gerard kissed her softly, starting to kiss the side of her neck. “Erin, you are so wonderful…” Suddenly his mouth was on hers, kissing her passionately as the first beats of pleasure began to spread through her body. “So, so wonderful…”  
“Oh God, Gerard…” Erin was clinging to him, lifting her hips and moaning quietly as jolts of pleasure began to shoot through her. “Gerard…”  
“Oh, Erin…” Gerard kissed her deeply, pushing harder and harder inside her as she swore under her breath, her fingers and toes curling and wrinkling the sheets. “Oh, you’re my life, Erin…”  
“I am?” Erin smiled at him, her face flushed as she wrapped her arms around him, and he smiled.  
“Yes.” He kissed her.. “You are.”  
She looked up at him, cradling the sides of his face in her hands as she kissed him gently. “I love you too, Gerard. I love you more than anyone or anything.” Suddenly she felt tears running down her face. “I love you so much…” She began to sob, oblivious to the pleasure spreading through her body. “So, so much, I love you so so much…”  
“Erin, sweetheart…” Gerard kissed the tears off her cheeks and laid his forehead on hers, unsure if a woman crying during sex was a great endorsement of his sexual prowess. “Erin, I’m yours. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He smiled at her and stroked her hair, kissing her deeply. “I love you. It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK.”  
“No, it’s not…” Erin buried her head in the side of his neck, breathing in the scent of his hair and his skin, running her hands over his body and then wrapping her arms around him and pulling him in as close to her as she possibly could, pleasure shooting through her more and more intensely. “You better propose pretty damn soon, because you might be running out of time…”  
Gerard started laughing, and then suddenly realised he was crying. “Oh, shit, AGAIN…” He wiped his eyes, muttering curses, and Erin laughed softly and kissed him, wrapping her arms tightly around his back. “Don’t worry, crybaby. I still love you.”  
“I love you too.” Please don’t die, Erin. Please don’t die. You can’t. You just can’t. Gerard leaned down and kissed her deeply, hugging her as tightly as he could against his body, cradling the sides of her face in his hands as he pushed deeper and deeper inside her, listening to Erin crying out his name quietly as the pleasure intensified almost unbearably. “Jesus, Gerard, I’m so close, harder, harder…”  
“Erin…” Gerard could feel her start to shake, moaning his name and clawing at his back. Erin, please…”  
“Oh God, Gerard, I’m…” Erin’s eyes fluttered closed, her body pushing up against his. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, GERARD-“  
Erin came with a loud scream, drowning out Gerard’s own as he collapsed on top of her, his hands in her hair and his face buried in her neck. “Erin… Erin…”  
Erin smiled and turned her head to look at him. “I love you, Gerard.”  
“I love you too.” Gerard stroked her hair.  
“Oh, baby.” Erin wiped his tears off his cheeks, their blended tears pooling in her loose red hair. “I knew there was a reason I loved you.” She swallowed. “Gerard… if something does happen… don’t dwell. Remember Neruda. Please, please, don’t spend your life mourning. I don’t want to be the reason you don’t meet another girl, THE girl… the girl you will love so devotedly that I’ll just feel like a footnote in your life.”  
Gerard stared at her. ““Erin, you will never be a footnote. Ever. You’re THE girl. I will love you forever.”  
Erin raised her eyebrows. “Forever?”  
Gerard kissed her gently, looking back into her eyes. “Forever.” He took a deep breath. “Erin…” He stroked the side of her face, looking into her eyes. “You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever known.” He leaned in and kissed her deeply. “I love you so, so much. You’re the only person who truly saw the good in me. Fuck Neruda. Don’t let anyone take you away from me, Erin. Please.”


	31. 31

Dear Mikey,

Mikes. I love you. You know I tell you everything. I tell you a LOT.

But there’s still no way in hell I’m telling you what Erin came up with that weekend. So STOP ASKING.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

April 21, 1972

“Do you need some more wax, Audrey?” Gerard ran his hand over his beloved car. “I think you do, all those marks from when Erin and I impulsively… yeah.” He blushed as he looked at the smears on the bonnet, even though he was alone outside. “Don’t worry though, I’ll buff that right out for you with some nice wax-“  
“Hey there, Gerard.”  
Gerard whirled around and saw Frank standing behind him in his civvies, his trained eye immediately identifying at least three concealed handguns. “…Frank.”  
“Gerard! I’ve missed you so much!” Frank threw his arms around him before Gerard could react. “How have you been?”  
“You know exactly how I’ve been.” Gerard gritted his teeth. “You set my crazy ex-fiancee on me!”  
Frank looked affronted. “I did not. Yes, I told her you made out with a new girl while you were still together, and yes, I paid for her flight, and yes, I may have told her where you lived-“  
“She attacked my girlfriend!” Gerard was beside himself with with rage. “She told a civilian all about my army role here!”  
“Well, then, the accepted rule for a single compromised civilian is to neutralise the threat.” Frank raised an eyebrow at him. “But I’m betting you didn’t do that, did you, Gerard? You didn’t kill her like you were taught to, you let her live…” He tapped the handgun strapped to his waist. “Shall I kill her for you? Is that what you wanted?”  
“NO!” Gerard had to forcibly restrain himself from leaping on Frank and choking him. “You don’t need to kill her, OK, she’s not going to talk-“  
“-because she already knew. Interesting. Another violation of the rules.” Frank leaned against the car. “I’ve been watching you, Gerard. You spend every waking moment with this girl. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were in love with her…” Frank looked at him. “Are you?”  
“Yes.” Gerard knew that that was exactly the wrong answer. “Yes, I am.”  
Frank’s eyes narrowed. “Is that why you broke up with me? For her? For that dull little ginger know-it-all? Weird accent she has, you know. Derry but with an early hint of Belfast. Beautiful eyes. I especially love that little fleck of black in her right iris. It’s called a coloboma, if you’re interested. Just GORGEOUS.”  
“You…” Gerard stared at her. “You spoke to her.”  
“I did. Weeks ago. I followed her too. Lots of times.” Frank yawned. “Don’t worry. I didn’t hurt her. I knocked on the door when I knew you were out, crying and pretending to be a lost tourist from the city centre. She invited me in for some comforting tea and drew me a map to show me how to find my way back.” He smiled. “The amount of times she innocently turned her back on me, and in a room FILLED with knives and skewers, not to mention all those tea towels I could have used as garrotes…” He smiled. “She really has no instinct for danger at all for someone who supposedly doesn’t trust people, does she?”  
“She may not trust people, Frank.” Gerard didn’t break eye contact. “But, unlike you, she also doesn’t believe in unadulterated evil. It would never occur to her that a crying, seemingly terrified Englishman she was making tea for would suddenly kill her. She’s a good person, Frank. Leave her alone.You hear me? Leave, Her. Alone.”  
Frank shrugged. “Personally, I think I’d have gone for the garrote. Take a tea towel, use a wooden spoon to twist it tighter and tighter… it’s just so much more satisfying. I mean, knives are so quick, skewers so piqueristic, and… and just the idea of choking her to death, drawing it out as long as possible by slowly, slowly tightening the cloth around her neck so that she suffered for what she’d done to me… feeling her trying to scream, whimpering and crying for you as I tightened the cloth around her throat, her struggling and fighting slowly weakening as the life left her body… tightening it more until she finally couldn’t breathe and waiting for her hands to stop pulling and plucking weakly at the cloth and watching her mouthing your name, the life begin to dim in her eyes, listening as she choked quietly until she moaned and fell still, watching for that look of shock flicker in her eyes as she djed, that shock at knowing you hadn’t been there for her when she needed you the most… the satisfaction of her body finally lying limp and still on the floor, knowing she was dead and she’d never bother me again…” Frank looked lost in a fantasy he’d had many times before. “I mean, her death, it would solve so many problems, don’t you think? I’d feel a bit bad for you, coming home to find her dead on the floor, but you’d get over it-”  
“LEAVE HER ALONE, FRANK.” A dark look came into Gerard’s eyes. “Leave her alone, or I swear to God I will kill you. I will KILL YOU.”  
Frank rolled his eyes, “Fine… it’s not like she’s a threat to me any more. Your little fiancee scared her away. I watched you fight at school. I watched her reject you, It’s over. We can be together again, Gerard! Back together forever!” He moved in for a kiss and Gerard shoved him away.  
“No. NO, Frank. Even if we had broken up, we would never be together again, EVER, because you did this. You broke me and Erin up. You broke me and Erin up out of pure selfishness, not love. You don’t really want me, you just don’t want anyone else to have me.”  
“No, Gerard…” Tears started to stream down Frank’s face. “Gerard, I do want you. I love you. I miss you. I miss our weird games. I… I…” He started to sob. “All I’ve ever wanted is you, Gerard, I love you, I love you so much, I love your laugh and your kinks and your accent and your smile, and I love it when you kiss me and tell me everything will be OK, because in that moment, I believe everything WILL be OK.” He smiled through the tears. “I can’t lose you, Gerard. I just… I just CAN’T!”  
Gerard crossed his arms. “Well, guess what, Frank, you just did.” He took a step forward. “And you were wrong. Me and Erin are back together. We actually just got back from Dublin. You’ll probably hate the mental image, but we sealed it with passionate sex, and you know what? It was LOVING, the way it NEVER WAS WITH YOU.”  
“No…” Frank shook his head. “No, you’re lying. You’re just trying to hurt me.”  
Gerard leaned in closer. “She was gasping my name, begging me to go harder and harder, and I was kissing her and telling her how much I loved her, and she was running her hands over my back and telling me she loved me too, telling me to show her how much I loved her, and I did, Frank, I did-“  
“NO!” Frank slapped him hard. “You’re LYING! You DID love me! You DID! You still DO!”  
“I didn’t.” Gerard shrugged. “You were there. You were kind. You were obviously gay. You were reasonably attractive. So… yeah. I needed it, and you offered it. It’s the same way men behave in prison. That’s it. That’s all.” He patted Frank on the shoulder. “Sorry, Frank. Tough break.”  
Frank’s mouth fell open. “Gerard, I finally came out, right after you left. I had your silver shilling, and I took it as a sign, and it gave me courage, and I told EVERYONE,” He began to cry bitterly and sat down hard on the driveway, and Gerard hesitatingly sat down next to him and put his arm around his shoulders. “They all hate me, my family don’t want me, and all the friends I still had are dead. You were all I had, and the silver shilling you left me was the only connection to what I used to be, and then YOU suddenly cut all ties too? ON A TOILET PAPER ROLL? I RUINED MY LIFE FOR YOU, AND YOU THINK ‘I’M SO SORRY FRANK, BUT IT’S NOT THE RIGHT TIME’ SCRIBBLED IN CHEAP INK ON A SCRAP OF TOILET PAPER IS THE ANSWER?” He shook his head and shoved Gerard away. “Not acceptable, Gerard. Not acceptable.”  
“I’m sorry, Frank. I should never have done that to you, and I’ve been a dick about it… but I was eighteen, and scared, and stupid, and horny, and you had those beautiful eyes and those long eyelashes and pretty pink lips, and… I’m sorry. I led you on. I should never have done that to you. That’s all I can say. I’m sorry.” Gerard smiled apologetically, helped Frank to his feet, and and hugged him. “I’m sorry, Frank. I’m so, so sorry, but you need to leave Erin alone. It won’t change anything.”  
Frank cleared his throat casually. “By the way, I can send you to the Cross tomorrow if I feel like it.”  
A cold feeling settled in Gerard’s stomach. “What?”  
“The Cross. Forkhill. The two places British soldiers go to die. HUGE casualty rate there. Hate for that to happen to you, Gerard.” Frank had a huge smile on his face, and Gerard grabbed him and threw him against the side of his car, raising his fist high behind him. “YES! Yes, this is what I wanted! Our GAMES!” Frank started clapping. “Gerard, I want to go fuck in bars, in graveyards, maybe that thing with the priest against because you were so pretty in all that lingerie and it felt so wrong, so wonderfully wrong…” He smiled wistfully. “Does Erin let you do that, Gerard? Does the good, sweet little Catholic girl let you do that?”  
Gerard gritted his teeth. “I would rather have her than any anonymous priest in the confessional, but the point you’re missing is: I still miss you, yes. I miss you every day, and I think about you every day, but… not in that way. Not in the way you want. You were my best friend. That’s all. We may have flirted, and occasionally we may have fucked and played weird sex games, but that was it. Nothing more, Just games. Frank, I was never in love with you. I’m in love with Erin. She wins.”  
Frank pulled a face. “I just… I just really don’t like the idea of you two together, I’m alone, and I mean really alone. I have no one. I spend my life being psychologically tortured by the other soldiers for daring not to be straight. I don’t want her to be with you and playing to every one of your weird kinks, because she knows she’s not seeing all of you and I HAVE, and I WANT IT AGAIN.”  
“You can’t have it.” Gerard was feeling more and more uneasy and wondering if he could get to his gun in the centre console in time. “Erin has me, whether you like it or not.”  
“I don’t, which is why I tried to kill her.” Frank examined his fingernails. “The guy who shot you at the protest a few months ago was aiming for her, Gerard. I paid him to kill her, but not you. I never wanted you to die, and I thought he’d killed you, and so I killed him.” He shrugged. “Only fair.”  
“WHAT?” Gerard shoved him so hard he almost knocked the convertible’s roof off its frame. “ONLY FAIR?!  
“Yeah.” Frank looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. “Gerard, I thought you were dead. The man I paid to bring you back to me had just taken you from me. He had to die. And even though you’re alive… you still haven’t come back to me.” Frank grinned. “But we’ll fix it.”  
“…How?” Gerard slowly stood up and started edging towards the open car door, and Frank immediately moved in front of him.  
“No. No gun for you. And don’t worry, I’m not going back to ‘kill Erin’ just yet, I’m thinking more ‘which is her favourite grandparent?’ now.” Frank feigned thought. “Because if, say, her beloved grandfather were to die, she’d obviously NEED to have you there with her for all the love and support and sickening crap like that, right?”  
Gerard suddenly wanted to throw up. “Right.”  
“So, I’d wait for the appropriate amount of time, watch her pain and grief, you know, the same pain and grief you’re causing me RIGHT NOW WITH THAT RED HAIRED BITCH WHORE… and then let slip you could have prevented the whole thing just by saying ‘no’. How do you think she’d take that?”  
Gerard frowned. “‘No’? What do you mean, ‘no’?”  
“I mean, ‘no’. I mean, ‘Gerard, do you reeeeally need to be with Erin?’”  
Gerard stared at him. “You can’t do that.”  
“I can and I will. I figure I’ll start with grandpa because those two seem to be really close, always joking and sharing his whisky out in the street. He’s asleep in that deckchair a lot too, so an easy target even from very long range.”  
Gerard shook his head in disbelief. “He’s a semi-demented, harmless old man, Frank, come on-“  
“That one could be blamed on anyone, really. No way to prove it was me. Then, once she’s had a month or two to sob over dear grandpa, I’ll kill her grandmother.” Frank grinned. “She could be sent anywhere, Gerard. ANYWHERE. What if her closest relatives are in Carrickfergus? You going to make up some threat there too so you can follow her?”  
Gerard gritted his teeth again. “She’s eighteen, Frank. She’d inherit the house and she’d stay here and YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THIS. I WILL NEVER BE WITH YOU. IT IS OVER, FRANK. OVER!”  
“What’s the name of her best friend, Gerard? Caitlin? Is that it? I’d just HATE for anything to happen to Caitlin… I mean, imagine if some group exploded a bomb in the store she works in. I mean, they’d be scraping tiny pieces of her up off the street for DAYS…”  
“Jesus CHRIST, Frank!” Gerard had to fight the urge to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. “You’re SICK! Get out of here and just LEAVE ERIN ALONE!”  
“OK.” Frank smiled innocently. “But that just means you have to leave Erin alone too.”

April 22, 1972

Shit. Gerard grimaced and stared at the phone, He hated talking to his handler. Actually, he made up excuses not to go to scheduled meetings, mostly because he had no information he was willing to give up, but also because his handler hated being in MI6 too and was only there as part of some deal, so it suited both of them.  
He picked up the phone, swallowed nervously, and dialled.  
“Holmes.” The other man sounded bored and a little irritated at being disturbed.  
Gerard took a deep breath. “Yossarian. Sergeant Francis Iero is stalking me and threatening my cover. Please intercept.”  
His handler was abrupt. “Iero has been seconded to a new top secret group. He cannot threaten your cover.”  
Gerard blinked in surprise. “Iero is stalking me, Sir. Today he loitered outside my house for hours. He has also been inside my home under false pretences, with the possible intention of killing my girlfriend.”  
For the first time, his handler seemed unsure. “That is… unorthodox, but you have yet to bring me anything of real value, Yossarian.” There was a pause. “Anything else?”  
“Anything ELSE?” Gerard stared at the phone in disbelief. “Well, he deliberately called my ex-fiancee in England and brought her to my home, where she told a local girl everything. It was all I could do to prevent being exposed, Sir. She is still here, and he could turn her on me again at a critical moment.”  
His handler ignored him. “We will deal with your fiancee, Yossarian. Iero was out of line and against orders in his actions. He will be notified.”  
Gerard gritted his teeth. “Iero is out of control, Sir. He has threatened my life and the lives of innocent civilians. He has explicitly described homicidal fantasies against a civilian. Quote ‘the satisfaction of feeling her body finally lying limp and still on the floor, knowing she’d never bother me again…’ end quote. I mean, for fuck’s sake, he wanted to garrotte her with a teatowel and a wooden spoon!” He caught himself, taking a slow, deep breath. “Request his immediate removal from duty and return to England within 48 hours.”  
“Negative. Iero is in place and cannot be removed, but will be notified not to repeat these transgressions.”  
Gerard felt a sudden rush of panic. “NO! Can’t you see how that would make him more dangerous? He has no place in an elite group. Repeat, request immediate removal from duty and return to England. I CAN GIVE YOU TIME CRITICAL INFORMATION, RIGHT NOW, JUST REMOVE HIM-“  
“What do you have, Yossarian?” Finally, his handler sounded interested.  
“This weekend I heard something…” Gerard pushed down an unwanted twinge of guilt. “I heard something via… via Daithi Kelly.” He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “His ‘friend’ is being buried soon in a private family ceremony… except they’re burying a coffin filled with 150kg of OIRA plastic explosive and automatic weapons to conceal them from the PIRA. Milltown Cemetery, Belfast. Name of ‘friend’ is James Connolly.”  
There was a pause. “Valuable information, Yossarian. Shame it took so LONG to get it.” There was a definite edge in his handler’s voice. “If it pans out, we remove Iero. If not, Iero stays in. Daithi Kelly has alcoholism and moderate dementia. We need time for verification.”  
“There IS no time!” Gerard didn’t think he could make himself any clearer. “You have to remove Iero NOW!”  
“Negative. I don’t have to do anything.” His handler sounded smug. “No other asset has the same issues with Iero as you, Yossarian. What is it? He have something on you?”  
“NO!” Gerard wanted to scream with frustration. “He is a danger to himself and others! He is a danger to ME! REMOVE HIM!”  
“Negative, Yossarian.” Now his handler sounded frustrated too. “Iero passed a full psychological screening a week ago. He is perfectly fit to be in the field. A note will be placed in his file, and he will be warned, but that is all, Yossarian.”  
“SLAB MURPHY IS MOVING SAND OVER THE LOUTH/ARMAGH BORDER DISGUISED AS GRAIN TO FUND BOMB MIXING!” screamed Gerard. “THEY’RE DISCUSSING A PLOT TO ASSASSINATE A TORY MP!”  
“Iero remains in place, Yossarian.” There was a click, and Gerard swore loudly and slammed the phone down as he heard the drone of the useless dial tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note for Americans: The Tory party is like the GOP in America... and the Irish Republicans hated them.


	32. 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a look at the story 'Desert Song'... it's kind of a crossover between Umbrella Academy and Fabulous Killjoys.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/28655565/chapters/70515825
> 
> And yeah, you get your filth in this chapter to make up for the seriousness.

Dear Mikey,

I think Frank’s going off in the deep end. You remember Frank, Mikes? That kid I hooked up with at Deepcut. He was all sweet and kind and generous… but Mikes, he’s not that person any more. He’s cold and hard and cruel. 

Mikes, he’s out for Erin and her family, and he says he won’t leave her alone unless I break up with her and go back to him, and now I have no idea what to do. I can’t leave Erin, I CAN’T, but… I also can’t sit back and watch terrible things happen to her family.

I called my handler and tried to get him pulled off tour and sent back to England, but apparently he’s been ‘seconded to a new top secret group’. What that means I have no idea because Frank never seemed the smartest kid in class, but maybe… maybe he was hiding something. I threw intelligence at my handler and got nothing back. In short, I have to come up with something really good to get rid of Frank.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

April 25, 1972

Gerard woke up early in the morning, before it had even really started getting light outside. Erin was sleeping contentedly beside him, curled up in a ball with her feet tangled in his legs and his hand clutched tightly in hers. He smiled to himself, watching her breathing softly, her long red hair spread across the pillow. Her eyelashes were fluttering as she breathed, her lips slightly pursed. He leaned in and kissed her gently on the forehead.  
“Mmmmm, I love you…” Erin lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed it. “What time is it?”  
“About 6am.” Gerard stroked the side of her face. “The sun’s just coming up outside.”  
Erin groaned. “Why are you always awake so EARLY…”  
“Light sleeper. Second it’s not pitch black and super quiet, I’m awake.” Gerard smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry I woke you, you’re just-“  
“So beautiful when I sleep. I know.” Erin smiled. “You’re so predictable.”  
Gerard laughed. “No, you just know me too well.”  
Erin kissed him. “Because I love you.”  
“I love you too.” Gerard kissed her. “I love you so much, Erin.”  
“You’re so sweet.” Erin snuggled up against his side, and then looked at him seriously. “You’re the most important thing in my life, Gerard.”  
Gerard smiled. “And you’re the most important thing in mine.”  
“So Gerard…” Erin had a mischievous smile as she trailed her fingers across his bare chest. “You know how you like to do it in places that aren’t the bed?”  
Oh, I am so about to get laid. “Yes…” said Gerard slowly.  
“Hallway. Now.” Erin grinned.  
“Christ…” Gerard ripped her nightgown open, frantically kissing her breasts and helping her fumble with the tie on his pyjama pants as they stumbled unsteadily into the hallway, falling onto the carpet and kissing passionately. “God, Erin, I love you…”  
“I love you too.” Erin smiled softly at him as he stroked the side of her face, leaning in for a long, passionate kiss.  
“Oh Erin…” Gerard kept kissing her as she rolled on top of him, rubbing herself frantically against him and breathing his name over and over. “Erin, uh… did you remember to finish another sheet of those pills yet?”  
“DAMN IT!” Erin punched the couch. “Gerard, uh, where do you keep-“  
“Wardrobe in the single bedroom is stuffed with them.” Gerard blushed. “I figured, better have and not need, than need and not have-“  
“Shut up, Gerard.” Erin jumped off him, and then paused and eyed the blocking box. “Out of interest… how sensitive are these bugs?”  
“They can hear the sound of someone writing on paper in another room, and sometimes even tell who’s writing depending on how much pressure is being used on the pad.” Gerard frowned. “Why?”  
“Because.” Erin tiptoed over, flicked it off with a flourish, and gave Gerard the dirtiest grin he had ever seen.   
Gerard stared, then reached up, grabbed her by the wrist, and pulled her roughly down to kiss him. “Jesus, Erin, why is that so hot…”  
Erin grinned. “Because it’s dirty as hell, Romance Boy, and I’m a dirty, dirty girl.”   
“Jesus, you are SO fucked up…” Gerard pulled her down on top of him and kissed her passionately. and then pulled off his pyjama top as he kicked off his slippers and pulled off his pants.  
“Right!” Erin jumped up and sprinted for the bedroom, flinging her bra onto the floor as she ran. “Your underwear better be off when I get back, because my panties are on the floor in here!”  
Jesus. Gerard’s eyes widened and he frantically scrambled out of his underwear and ripped off his socks. “Done!”  
“Thank GOD.” Erin grinned, triumphantly waving a strip of condoms between her fingers. “Gerard, I know you like it slow and drawn out and romantic, but this is going to be quick and dirty, Romance Boy, because I have to pretend to get up and go to church with my grandma for Morning Mass in an hour.” She leaned in and kissed his ear as she tore open the first condom and started to slide it on slowly and firmly. “But don’t worry… I’ll come right back after, and by the time I’m done, you’ll barely be able to walk…”  
“Oh God, yes…” A smile was spreading across Gerard’s face, his fingers tightening around the couch cushions as heavy jolts of pleasure shot through him. “Oh yes… oh yes… oh yes…” His head fell back, his mouth hanging open with ecstasy. “Oh yes… oh yes… oh God, yes, oh Erin, this is fantastic…”  
“Good, because you’re going to do me on that goddamn table.” Erin nodded towards the dining table and kissed him deeply, her hand creeping down to tickle him with her fingertips and sending a hot jolt of pleasure through Gerard’s body.  
“Christ…” Gerard stared for a moment, then leapt to his feet and seized Erin, both of them howling with laughter as he lifted her up onto the table and then climbed on top of her. “Oh Erin, I can’t believe you would ever think I didn’t love you…” He wrapped his arm around her back and hugged her closer, slipping his hand between her legs and beginning to stroke her with his fingers, feeling the usual irresistible creeping tingles of pleasure as she rubbed herself hard against him, moaning loudly and grabbing at his hair as she kissed him. “Faster, Gerard, faster, please…” She pushed herself hard against his fingers, crying out as he slowly started to knead her and move his fingers faster, slowly pushing one finger inside her. She let out a long, strangled moan, clinging to him and pressing her body tightly against his, and then screamed loudly as he slowly teased her between his fingers.   
“Is that good?” Gerard grinned, pushing a second finger inside her and beginning to thrust his fingers back and forth, rocking them up against her.  
“JESUS, Gerard, keep going, that feels so good, oh, OH, KEEP GOING!” Erin was kissing him frantically, moaning loudly into his mouth as he pushed a third finger inside her, thrusting her hips hard against his fingers and screaming his name at the top of her voice. “Oh God, Gerard, that feels so good, that feels… oh God, Gerard…” Erin kissed him hard, breathing hard into his mouth as Gerard felt her starting to flutter deep inside, the flutters growing stronger as he stroked her faster and faster. “Oh Gerard, I’m… oh God…”  
“I know, Erin, oh Jesus, I know…oh God, I love you…” Gerard wrapped his arm around her back, feeling her whole body tense against his, and then she threw her head back and screamed as she came, her body shuddering and contracting against his and the table making ominous creaking sounds. “Just wait for what I have next.” He began to kiss his way down her neck, kissing her breasts and stomach, flicking his tongue into her navel and feeling her squirm beneath him. “Does that feel good?”  
“Yes, yes, oh God, Gerard, keep going, keep going…” Erin was writhing beneath him as the table creaked and rocked, and she screamed his name as he finally began to kiss her between her legs. “Oh, GERARD…”  
She could almost hear him grinning as he touched and stroked and rubbed her, teasing her between his fingers as he kissed and licked her. “Got time for this, do you think?”  
“Oh yes, oh yes, please don’t stop…” Erin was breathing harder and harder. “Oh, please don’t stop…”  
“Oh Jesus, Gerard, that’s fantastic, you feel so good…” The warm feelings of pleasure were starting to build again. “Oh, you’re so good at this…”  
“Good?” She heard Gerard laugh as she kissed her, rubbing her with his thumb as she thrust her hips upwards.  
“Yes, yes you are, you’re amazing at this, oh my God…” The pleasure was starting to spread through her body. “Oh, you are…”  
“Oh, Erin, you taste fantastic…” Gerard sucked hard on her and she screamed, her hands clawing at the table. “Oh, Erin…”  
“Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin kissed him hard, her body trembling. She suddenly felt Gerard rub her between his finger and thumb and suppressed a scream, a jolt of pleasure racing along every nerve in her body. “JESUS, Gerard!”  
“Oh Erin, I love you…” Gerard kissed her harder and harder between her legs, starting to slip his fingers in and out of her. “I swear, I adore you…”  
“Oh Gerard…” Erin was breathing harder and harder, her hands scrabbling at the creaking table as the feelings of pleasure grew stronger and stronger. “Oh, I love you, I love you…touch me, just touch me, right there, oh…” Gerard pushed his finger inside her again, and she swore, a red hot rush of pleasure racing upwards. “Oh Gerard, oh God, you feel so good, you always feel good, I love you, I do…”  
“I love you too, Erin.” She heard a smile in his voice.”More than anyone or anything in the world.”  
“I know, I know, I know…” Erin bit down hard. “I love you too… more than anything in the world…” The feelings of warmth were filling her body, waves of pleasure growing stronger and stronger.  
“Oh, that feels SO good…” Erin let her head fall back and closed her eyes, luxuriating in it. “Oh, keep going, keep going, oh GOD…” The sensation was so intense now she could hardly bear it, filling her entire body with hot jolts of pleasure shooting upwards. “Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Jesus, oh Christ, oh that feels so good…”  
“I know, I know, I know…” Gerard was pushing his fingers deep inside her, making a beckoning motion “Erin, tell me you love me…”  
“I love you, of course I love you…” Erin sucked in a huge breath, feeling contractions of pleasure spreading out from his finger. “Oh, oh, oh, that feels so good, that feels so good, oh oh oh…” Her back started to arch, her body shaking. “Oh GERARD GERARD GERARD GERARD OH-“  
She came violently, the table rocking violently and making ominous cracking sounds. “Oh Gerard…” She was trying to catch her breath, panting and gasping. “Gerard… Gerard, Gerard, I love you, hold me close, please…” Erin wrapped her hands around his back and pulled him in close, smiling and looking into his eyes.  
“I love you too, Erin.” Gerard wrapped his arms around her shoulders, her face looking up at him, and she smiled and stroked his face, letting out a gasp of pleasure as he finally pushed inside her, holding her as close to his body as he could and moving slowly and gently, fighting the urge to push deeper and faster, holding her tight. “I love you so much…”  
“Gerard, I love you too, this feels incredible, I… I feel so close to you…” Erin pulled him in to kiss him passionately, her tongue deep in this mouth. “Oh Gerard, oh God, oh Gerard, oh, oh, I love you, tell me you know how much I love you…”  
“I do, Erin, I do…” Gerard stroked her face, kissing her gently and hearing Erin swear as she rubbed herself as hard as she could against him.  
“Gerard, oh, Gerard…” Erin grabbed his hair and kissed him hard. “I love you so. so much… I love you, I swear, I will always love you…” She sucked in a gasp of breath, his forehead rested on hers as he moved gently, stroking her face. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard… please, Gerard…” She started to lift her hips, breathing heavily into his mouth as the table creaked and rocked. “Harder, Gerard, oh God, please…”  
“Oh, Erin, you are the most wonderful girl in the world…” Gerard finally began to push harder and harder, crying out with a mixture of relief and pleasure as the excruciating tingles of pleasure became heavy jolts. “Erin, this feels incredible, you have no idea…” The table was now rocking dangerously, ominous splintering sounds coming from within it.  
“Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin’s head arched backwards, her arms tightening around his back as she kissed him deeply, thrusting her body up against his to rub against him and screaming with pleasure. “Gerard, faster, harder…”  
Gerard wrapped his arms more tightly around her shoulders, moving faster and faster and thrusting into her so hard Erin’s body jerked, fighting off shooting jolts of pleasure, a little afraid that he might not be able to go any harder. “Erin, I love you, I love you so much…”  
“I love you too.” Erin smiled back and pulled him down to kiss her, wrapping her arms closely around him. “Oh Gerard, oh Gerard, OH GERARD, that feels AMAZING, PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T-“  
There was a loud crack as the table collapsed beneath their weight, dumping them untidily on the floor in fits of giggles. “Maybe I should have gone easier on the table…” Gerard looked at Erin, smiling to himself and watching her curled up on her side, her stomach muscles jerking and twitching as she laughed.   
“Oh no, Gerard, that was hilarious…” Erin could barely sit up, she was laughing so hard. “I wish we had another table to try out…”  
“You’re not the one who’s going to have to ask for a new one.” Gerard was forcing himself not to laugh. “What am I meant to say? ‘Table of insufficient construction for enthusiastic sex, request sturdier model’?”  
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something…” Erin pulled him back on top of her, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him back inside her. “Gerard, Gerard, I was so close before, so close, please…” She began to kiss him frantically, rubbing herself up against him as he pushed harder and faster into her. “Oh CHRIST, Gerard…”  
“Erin, you feel amazing…” Gerard was fighting hot jolts of pleasure racing through him, desperate to hold on just a little longer. “Oh Erin, oh my God, oh ERIN!”  
“Gerard, Gerard, oh God…” Erin was gasping for breath, kissing him frantically. “Gerard, Gerard, PLEASE DON’T STOP!” She began to lift her hips, rubbing frantically against him and letting out a long, shuddering moan. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, that feels amazing…” She kissed his cheek. “Oh, Gerard, more, please, more…”   
“Oh yes, Erin…” Gerard held her face in his hands, kissing her over and over. “Does that feel good?”  
“Oh yes, Gerard, oh YES! YES!” Erin felt her body starting to shake, heaving pulses of pleasure pounding through her. “Gerard, Gerard, oh GERARD, GERARD, GERARD, OH GERARD-“  
Gerard felt her come hard beneath him, her body thrusting upwards and shuddering and she yelled his name, clinging to him as he came himself with a violent jerk. “Christ, Erin…” Gerard was panting hard, his hands cradling the sides of her face, “Oh, I love you so much, I will always love you, I swear…”  
Erin could barely catch her breath. “Oh, Gerard, that was… that was INTENSE… it was just… you were INCREDIBLE…”  
Gerard smiled lazily at her. “Aren’t I always?”  
“Arrogant jerk.” Erin smacked him. “But… yes.” She snuggled into his chest. “I love you so much.”  
Gerard kissed the top of her head. “I love you too.”

There was a tremendous, panicked hammering at the door seconds after Erin had left. “GERARD! GERARD!”  
“Erin?!” Gerard ran to the door and opened it. “Is he-“  
“Gerard…” Erin was as white as a sheet, her voice shaking as he guided her inside and slammed the door behind her. “Gerard, someone… someone’s written something awful on your house, and the paint, it’s still wet, they could still be here…” She held up her fingers, covered in a dark red.  
Gerard’s eyes widened and he sprinted outside, a thousand awful possibilities running through his head. Fag. Tout. Whore. Informer. Provo. He turned, took a deep breath, and looked at the wall, and his breath caught.

“NUMBERS 32:23”

“‘But if you do not do this, be sure that your sin will find you out.’ Numbers 32:23.” Erin was trembling in the doorway. “What do you have to do, Gerard? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO?!”


	33. 33

Dear Mikey,

I am so afraid. I think Frank has lost his mind, and suddenly he has the power to hurt or kill me and Erin and anyone else he chooses with no repercussions at all. Why is he acting like this? I’ve never seen him behave this way. My handler refuses to remove him because he passed a psychological examination, and he seems so controlled, but then the second I reject him he just breaks down… is he having some kind of altered-reality psychotic break that would mean he’d pass the test? Has his service here broken him that much? He said he’s being psychologically tortured every day in barracks, so I could see why he’d be so desperate to pass the test that he’d deliberately lie his way through it to pass. Is it even POSSIBLE to fake a pass on those tests when you’re in that kind of state? I mean, the only alternative is that he’s… Mikes, is it possible I could have had a relationship as deep as ours with a sociopath and never known it?

And now he’s not just a sociopath, he’s a scorned, angry sociopath who wants something he believes has been unfairly taken from him.

Keep your head down, Mikes. Trust no one. He’s out for everyone Erin and I love.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

April 26, 1972

“GERARD DEVLIN! THIS IS THE BRITISH ARMY! OPEN THE DOOR! NOW!” 

Both Erin and Gerard were woken with a jolt by the sound of rifle butts hammering on the door.  
“Jesus…” Gerard rubbed his eyes and climbed out of bed, glancing at the clock. “3.52am? Really?” 

“BRITISH ARMY! OPEN THIS DOOR OR WE WILL BREAK IT DOWN!”

“I’m coming!” Gerard stumbled to the door, trying to smooth down his hair. “Calm down, calm down, I’m coming…” He yanked the the door open and was immediately smashed in the face with a rifle butt, knocking him flat on his back with a loud, sickening crunch. “Oh…”  
“GERARD!” Erin leapt out of bed and ran to him, only for Frank to step forward from the mass of soldiers and kick her hard in the gut. She collapsed on her side and and curled up in a ball, gasping for breath and desperately trying not to vomit. “Oh God… oh God… Gerard…”  
“It’s OK, Erin, just breathe for me, OK?” Gerard spat out a mouthful of blood, wiping his gushing nose with his sleeve. “Stay calm.” He looked up at Frank, placing his hand reassuringly on Erin’s shoulder. “What do you want, Frank?”  
“Newest government initiative, Gerard. Semi-paramilitary groups that go house to house… just saying hi.” He smiled and raised his wespon. “Erin Kelly, get on the floor, now, hands where I can see them. Do not say a word or we will not hesitate to kill you both.” He looked at the others. “This is Erin Kelly. 16 Marlborough Street. Schooled at Our Lady of Sorrows 8am to 2.30pm, gets bus no. 191 home, and is dropped off outside the Bogside Inn at 2.50pm. She then walks directly home, arriving between 3.05pm and 3.15pm. She often then leaves the house through her window around 15 minutes later and walks here for some quick ‘afternoon delight’, then returns to Marlborough Street for Evensong with her grandmother at 5.15pm. They leave to walk to Evensong at 5.30pm, arrive by 6pm, and leave between 6.45pm and 7pm. They then return to Marlborough Street via her cousins’ shop Kelly’s, where they buy three portions of chips, two cod, and one battered sausage, because Erin has a moral objection to overfishing but apparently not to assisting in arms trafficking or teaching bomb-making skills. They arrive home around 6.45pm, and her grandfather goes inside roughly five minutes later after her grandmother calls him in for supper. Often, she sneaks out again and comes here to Balkan Street, only to arrive home at 5am to pretend to have slept there all night.”  
“Oh my God, Gerard…” Erin began to cry. “What do I do?”  
Gerard forced himself to stay calm. “Do what they tell you. Don’t panic. Deep breaths. I’ve got this.” He looked Frank in the eye. “What the hell happened to you, Frank? You used to be so fun and cheerful and bouncy and happy, and now you’re… this.”  
“That Frank is dead, Gerard. He has been a long time. We’ve covered this. Here happened. You weren’t here as long as I was. You don’t get it. Frank shook his head. “They all hate me, my family don’t want me, and all the friends I still had are dead, and I mean REALLY dead, shot or blown up or ambushed or whatever else this shit country could come up with. You were all I had, your silver shilling you left the only connection to what I used to be, and then YOU suddenly cut all ties too?” He shook his head. “Not acceptable, Gerard.” He grinned. “But we’ll fix it.”  
The others came back and briefly conferred with Frank in lowered voices.  
“Wow.” Frank shook his head. “It’d be really unfortunate if someone were to get drunk and blab all these details about the spy banging Eamon Kelly’s daughter down on Balkan Street who also had a garage full of bomb-making equipment, wouldn’t it, Gerard?”   
“Jesus, Frank…” Gerard looked up at him. “You… no, you wouldn’t do that.”  
Frank shrugged. “Yeah, I would.” He reached and took Gerard’s hand, leading him in the bedroom and closing the door, and Gerard somehow managed to fight the need to flinch. “I just… I just want you. Right now, with them outside…” He leaned in, lowering his voice. “Doesn’t this danger turn you on, Gerard? Can you imagine how hot it would be, if you just tackled me and pinned me down and fucked me dry until I screamed, only you’d cover my mouth so no one would ever, ever hear, and every time I tried to fight you you’d just fuck harder and harder until we both came harder than we’ve ever come before…” Frank leaned in and kissed Gerard hard, his tongue in Gerard’s mouth as he undid the front of his uniform. “Look, Gerard. I got something pretty of my own.” Frank broke the kiss and gestured at the purple lace camisole and garters he was wearing under his uniform. “Do you like it?”  
Gerard looked him up and down, forcing himself not to linger and horribly aware he was barely avoiding getting hard. “…Yes.” It was only half a lie. He swallowed, fighting the urge to pin him to the wall right there. “Yes… yes, I do.”  
Frank grinned and kissed his neck. “Do you want to fuck me in it, Gerard? Do you?”  
Gerard let out a slow, shuddering breath. “Yes.”  
“Well… why don’t we?” Frank raised an eyebrow.   
Gerard nodded slowly, reaching out and sliding one sleeve of Frank’s uniform shirt off his shoulder, slipping his finger under the lace strap of the camisole. “Oh… oh my God…”  
“You want me, don’t you?” Frank smiled, the crooked, bright smile that had drawn Gerard to him all those years before, and put his hand on his, pressing Gerard’s palm against his bare chest.   
Gerard could feel Frank’s heart beating, his chest rising and falling as he breathed, and he sighed and took a step forward, breathing in the scent of Frank’s skin. “God, Frank, you smell incredible…”  
Frank smiled and ran his finger down the side of Gerard’s face. “And you want me.”  
“Yes…” Gerard took a deep breath, sliding his hand up the side if Frank’s neck. “Yes, I do.”   
“Well then…” Frank gave him a lazy grin. “I’m in charge here. They’re under orders not to come in. I’m right here, Gerard. You want me. I know you want me. You told me all about how you showed HER how much you loved her, and now it’s your turn to show ME how much you love ME-“  
“NO! STOP!” Gerard couldn’t believe what he’d almost done. “No, Frank. NO! I don’t love you! What we did had nothing to do with love, and I’m not going to fuck you, now or ever, just…” His eyes filled with tears. “Just please don’t hurt her… please… if you’re going to kill someone, kill me, OK, it’s my fault…” He dropped to his knees, put his hands behind his back, and looked up at Frank. “I won’t fight you, Frank. She has nothing to do with this. Just shoot me, and it’ll all be over. Everything.” He bowed his head. “Do it. Now.”  
Frank growled bitterly and yanked his uniform closed again. “Fine.” He glanced around, a new look in his eyes. “I’ll watch you all carefully, watch her, watch you, learn your… habits.” He leaned in close. “Don’t worry, we found that door you cut in the bedroom. When they do come for you, and they will, they’ll know to have someone stationed out back waiting for her, and they’ll kill her first. I’ll have them hold you still until after that part, drag her back inside and force her down on her knees in front of you.” He smiled. “I mean, I wouldn’t want you to miss it. They tie her hands tightly behind her back first, you know, force her down onto her knees, put a rifle against the back of her head, and then I think we’ll wait a few seconds, long enough for her to try and look at you, and her eyes will be full of terror and the sudden shock that you’re not going to help her when she needs you the most, and then… BANG!” Gerard jumped and Frank burst out laughing. “God, I bet you do that when they actually kill her in front of you too.” He raised his eyebrows. “And remember, Gerard: the exit wound is always much bigger than the entry wound. It’ll probably blow her face right off…”  
“Frank!” Gerard gave him.a look of disgust. “You don’t need to do this. You don’t WANT to do this. The Frank I knew, and any part of him that’s left, would NOT want to do this to an innocent civilian!”  
“She’s no innocent.” Frank leaned in. “And I have EVERY RIGHT to do this.”  
”’Every right’?” Gerard took a step forward until they were eye to eye. “You’re talking complete shit, Frank.”  
“Like I said… I’m a leader of an MRF squad now. It’s like a secret paramilitary death squad. Officially, it doesn’t exist, it never has, and it never will, except in some top secret file in London that will get shredded the second we disband, and that means we get to do what we want, and that includes killing whoever we want, whenever we want, so yes, I do have every right to do this…” Frank laughed. “Do you want to know what we do every day? We come and pick up suspected IRA men… and then we kill them. All of them. Bang bang bang.” He examined his fingernails. “It would really be a shame if someone let your name slip to the IRA, Gerard. I mean, you told me yourself that night in the churchyard what they’d do to you when they found you out. Poor Mikey, having to come and identify his beloved older brother with injuries like that…”  
“Frank…” Gerard stared at him. “You wouldn’t…”  
“I would.” Frank gritted his teeth. “All these months I’ve watched you and that fucking redheaded bitch, waiting for you to get bored, waiting for you to come back to me, but you NEVER HAVE. It’s too much, Gerard. We’ve been together five years, and you WANTED me. Don’t even try to lie. You wanted me SO. MUCH.”  
“But we’re not together any more, Frank.” Gerard forced himself to keep his voice steady as he put his hand on Frank’s shoulder. “Frank, I need you to grow up and accept that.”  
“Hmmm…” Frank pretended to think. “I just… I just really don’t like the idea of you two together, “I’m alone, I don’t want her to be with you and playing along with every one of your weird kinks, because she knows she’s not seeing all of you and I HAVE, and I WANT IT AGAIN. I want to go fuck in bars, in graveyards, maybe that thing with the priest against because you were so pretty in all that lingerie and it felt so wrong, so wonderfully wrong…” Frank smiled wistfully. “Does Erin let you do that, Gerard? Does the good, sweet Catholic girl let you do that?”  
“Actually, she loves some of my weird kinks. I’ve never seen someone come as hard in my life as I did one time when she was ‘playing along’ with my… desires.” Gerard stared back at him. “Frank, you’re deliberately missing the point. I would rather have her as she is than an anonymous priest in the confessional. I still miss you, yes, but in a different way. You have some kind of… hold… over me, but what we had… we fucked occasionally. There was maybe some… ‘fondness’ there at times, but that’s all it was. We were best friends, and sometimes we got up to some seriously twisted shit, and yes, it was hot, it was SO hot, but… that’s all it was. It never went beyond that. I never loved you, Frank. It was all just sex to me, a way to get my rocks off, not making love like it is with Erin. I miss you, yes, and we fucked and played sex games, but I.don’t miss you that way, not the way you want. I miss you as a friend. You were my best friend, and I miss you every day. I wish we could still be together as friends, but… we can’t. Especially not now, not with you like… this. I’m in love with Erin. Erin…” He looked wistful. “I tell her I love her, and she says the same, and I hold her close as she whispers my name into my ear…” He caught himself. “Frank, I’m sorry. We won’t be together, ever. None of your threats are going to make any difference. If you kill her, all it means is that I will hunt you down myself and kill you so slowly and painfully that you will beg me to shoot you long before the end.” Gerard’s eyes narrowed. “Sorry, Frank. Erin wins. Erin will always win.”  
Frank smiled bitterly. “OK…” He glanced around, a new look in his eyes. “Well, I’ll watch you guys carefully, watch her, watch you, learn your… habits.” He leaned in close. “I bet you’re thinking about it right now, Gerard, that you can’t wait for your freedom, you can’t wait to see that irritating little redhead’s body jerk as that rifle fires and then fall dead on the floor with her hands tied roughly behind her back and a bullet in her brain, you did always love tying me up, didn’t you-”  
“FRANK, STOP!” Gerard slapped Frank hard across the face. “Aren’t you listening to me? I love her! I LOVE HER! THAT’S THE LAST THING I WANT!” He took a step forward, “You’re acting like a madman! You’re better than this, and we both know you’re above pulling something like this. You wouldn’t. You couldn’t.” He swallowed. “You’re my best friend…”  
“No. No, I’m not.” Frank smiled. “Dump her or I’ll kill you both.” He turned and yelled to the soldiers in the living room with Erin. “MOVE OUT!” He looked back at Gerard. For now.”  
Gerard stared at him. “Why are you doing this?”  
“Because I can do anything I want. I don’t exist. None of us do.” Frank smiled simply and left the room, exiting the house with a meaningful look at Erin.

“GERARD, what was that about?” Erin ran in to the bedroom and threw her arms around him. “What did they want?”  
“They…” Gerard swallowed. “Erin, that was Frank. MY Frank, and… Erin, I have something to tell you. Something big,” Gerard took a deep breath. “Frank. Frank is our biggest threat. That’s what I’ve been so worried about.”  
Erin went pale. “But he knows-“  
“Everything. I know.” Gerard rubbed the back of his neck and flicked on the bug jammer. “Erin, I need you to come look at the Difference Engine again.”  
“Christ…” Erin rolled her eyes. “Gerard, do you really think this is the time to look at your nerd machines-“  
“No. No, it’s not, but I need you to see this. Come on.” Gerard pulled out the nails sealing the cupboard door shut and led her by the hand through the small door.  
“G, what the fuck are you-“ Erin stopped suddenly as he pushed in a series of numbers and a hatch in the side popped open. “JESUS, Gerard…”  
“The compartment isn’t big, but it’ll hold you safely for at least six hours. It’s bulletproof, gas proof, fireproof, and to a certain point bomb proof. Memorise the code, get in there, and don’t come out. For ANYTHING. I don’t care what you hear. I don’t care what sounds like they’re doing to me. It will pop open automatically after six hours, or when someone outside punches in the code. Only I know those codes, Erin.” He looked at her. “Do it, Erin. I built this for you.”  
Erin bit her lip. “G, I can’t crawl into some bunker knowing I’ll never see you again.”  
“You can, and you will,” said Gerard firmly. “He directly threatened you, Erin. He’s going to kill you, I mean, actually going to kill you, and soon. Of course I built you a bunker. You NEED it.” He swallowed. “He… he said he’d kill you in front of me, and that is the worst possible torture I can imagine. Watching him drag you out and shoot you, watching you fall dead onto the floor… please don’t come out, Erin, I’m begging you. Even if you hear me screaming or sobbing. Please.” He barely managed to hide a burst of tears. “Please…”  
Tears started to run down Erin’s face. “Gerard-“  
Gerard held up his hand to stop her. “Erin, I know how frightening and difficult this is, and I understand if you don’t want this, if you’d rather just leave-“  
“Gerard…” Erin stroked his face. “I will never leave you.” She kissed him gently. “Ever.. You’re all I’ll ever want.”  
“I love you so much, Erin.” Gerard smiled, pushing down a twinge of guilt, remembering his near moment of weakness with Frank. “And you’re all I’ll ever want too.”  
Erin held his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs. “I love you more than anything, and when you DO actually, properly ask me to marry you, I won’t hesitate, because however complicated things might get… I love you. I love you so much.”  
Gerard smiled again and kissed her. “I love you too.”


	34. 34

Dear Mikey,

Frank is the leader of a group with automatic weapons that is basically a death squad. 

Keep running. Keep moving. Just go. Promise me.

I built a safety bunker for Erin. She’ll be safe. Take care of her for me. Please.

Love, Gerard XOXO

——————

April 27, 1972

Erin woke up before Gerard and bit her lip as she looked down at his head resting on her shoulder and his arm draped across her. She watched him sleep for a while, his eyelashes fluttering and a quiet whistle in his throat as he breathed, and then she started to run her fingers through his hair, savouring its silky feeling. His face was peaceful, a small smile on his face and his eyes closed as he snuggled up to her underneath the blankets. She glanced over to check the jammer, sniffed, and wiped her eyes, stroking the smooth skin of his cheek as he slept.  
“Mmmm…” Gerard smiled and looked up at her. “Good morning…”  
“Good morning.” Erin leaned in and kissed him, holding her lips against his for a second. “God, you taste amazing.”  
"Mmmm, so do you…” Gerard wrapped his arms around her and kissed her passionately. “Oh, Erin, I love you-“  
“No, no, Gerard, stop it!” Erin somehow pried him off, giggling uncontrollably. “Gerard, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex, I mean, I SO do, but… I have to talk to you first.” She chewed on her lip. “It’s kind of important, I guess…”  
Shit. Gerard’s eyes widened. Of course. She knows. She knows about the Army, she knows I’m a spy, she knows everything, oh God, this has all been a long play… “Erin, are…” He swallowed nervously. “Are you going to kill me?”  
“WHAT?!” Erin burst out laughing, falling over onto her back and laughing so hard the whole mattress shook. “Gerard, honey, if I was going to kill you, you’d be dead.” She rolled back onto her side, looked at him, and stroked his cheek. “Oh, I love you so much, Gerard…”  
“So… just to be 100% on this, you’re NOT trying to kill me?” Gerard raised his eyebrows. “And sex isn’t COMPLETELY off the table?”  
“Oh, for Christ…” Erin rolled her eyes. “It’s-“ Erin swallowed. “No, Gerard, this is… well, we already spoke about Shona-“  
Gerard sighed. “Erin, Shona and I-“  
“Are done. Críochnaithe. Acabat. Amaitu. Terminado. Chrìochnaich. Acabado. Qedandin. Fini. Praeter. Finito. Fertig. Terminare. Päättyi. Sluttede. Eindigde. Bye bye Shona. I know.” Erin rolled her eyes. “This isn’t about Shona.”  
“Wow. I think you speak more languages than I do…” Gerard shook his head in amazement. “I learn more and more about you every day…” He leaned in and kissed her, his hands in her hair.   
“Gerard, focus.” Erin pushed him back. “I know you always wake up horny, but can we keep a lid on that for FIVE MINUTES?”  
“Fine.” Gerard sighed. “Well, if it’s not about Shona, Erin, then…” He smiled reassuringly at her. “What is it? What’s wrong?”  
“It’s… I love you, Gerard. I love you so much, all I think of is you.” Erin wiped her eyes. “I can’t… I can’t imagine life without you.”  
“I love you too.” Gerard smiled and kissed her. “Erin, really, I’m not going to ditch you. We’ve been together for months. Hell, you KNOW how much I trust you by now. I swear-“  
“Gerard, I’m not done.” Erin took a deep breath. “You told me… something. Something that made life a lot, LOT more dangerous for you, and then… and then Frank came over and he made it so much worse, and if I ever lost you, I’d… I think I’d die.” She sniffed. “I can’t imagine it, Gerard, it would kill me, or at the very least it’d make me wish it had.” She looked carefully at him. “It’s not about Shona, it’s… it’s about everything.”  
Gerard frowned, an unpleasant feeling in his stomach. “Everything?”  
“Everything.” Erin swallowed. “The bombs. The guns. Frank. Whether… whether it’s worth being with me at all. The… everything.”  
“Ah…” Gerard put his arm around her and pressed his lips against the top of her head. “The everything. Well, Erin, I’m not breaking up with you. You’re worth it. I’d take the risk.” He held his breath. “Would you?”  
Erin managed a smile. “Yes. You’re worth it. You’re worth anything, and I love you for it, I love you so, so much, and when Frank threatened us… I didn’t even consider leaving you.” She looked at him. “Gerard, even assuming no… revelations, assuming Frank is all talk, assuming things carry on as normal… the IRA tries to warn everyone, they always warn everyone, and hardly anyone EVER gets killed, but… accidents happen, one happened already to me, it killed almost everyone in my family, and…” She started to cry. “Telephone warnings get misdirected or misunderstood or ignored. Even if you’re not marked for it, you could be walking past an IED or booby trap at the second it gets triggered, just through shitty, SHITTY luck. You can get blown up, you can get shot, you can get hit by a stolen car running a light, you can get beaten to death, you can…” She burst into tears. “You can die in an inferno of hell with your four children even though you’re a complete innocent, and if that happened to you, Gerard, I… how could I live with it? I mean, I believe in the Republican cause, and I believe you do too, and I decided a long time ago that I was willing to die if it was meant to be, but… to live with it, knowing you died because of them-“  
“Oh…” Gerard hugged her tight. “Erin, that won’t happen, OK, you don’t even have to think about it, because I’m not going to die, you won’t lose me, honest…”  
“You don’t know that.” Erin stared at her knees. “This isn’t Monaghan, Gerard. It’s not London, either. I know you lived in Belfast, so even if you were a civilian, you should already have known… it’s dangerous here. It seems normal a lot of the time, but it’s not, and it's dangerous for you to forget that. People die. It’s way too easy to do the wrong thing or to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. Terrible things can happen to you here, Gerard, TERRIBLE. The IRA is getting paranoid, and you’re a brand new kid who immediately took up with Erin Kelly. If the IRA came to suspect ANYTHING, you would be killed and dumped in the street. Frank could follow through on what he said, and they could shoot you. Worse, you could just disappear, get buried on some remote beach or weighted down and thrown into Strangford Lough, and no one would ever find you. You’d just be gone. I would spend my life wondering what had happened to you, and I’d never know, never, and I…” Erin swallowed. “I love you so much, Gerard, I don’t think I could ever bear a life without you…”  
“Ssshhh, Erin, it’s OK, you don’t have to. Gerard held her close, stroking her hair soothingly. “I’m right here, Erin, I’m right here…”  
“No, you’re not listening, because… because…” Erin shook her head. “Gerard, you’re a… you… well, with me, you’re safe. You’re just Gerard. You’re MY Gerard.” She smiled and stroked his face. “But out there… Gerard, you said that when I was alone with you, I was your Erin, but out there, I was just Erin Kelly. Well, you're my Gerard, but out there, you’re just Gerard Devlin, and you’re on your own. Please, PLEASE be careful. If the IRA get wind of you and think you’re mining me or my family for intelligence… I can’t protect you. Even my father might not be able to, and that’s if he can get here in time, or if he can get a warning to you… and assuming the Army or some other group doesn’t pick you off out of spite, or just to get at my dad. Just being with me is dangerous. There’s a war between the two IRA factions, and they’re both violent, both angry, and both paranoid, and they want to hurt my dad. Most of them won’t hurt me, Gerard, they’ll hurt you, because they know that will hurt me a thousand times worse, and that that would hurt him ten thousand times worse.” Erin swallowed and wiped her eyes. “We saw people get shot in the streets in January, Gerard, both of us. YOU were shot. When you couldn’t walk or crawl any more, you made me leave you to die in the street, and… it was the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I still have nightmares, only in those dreams, you never come home and, when I go back, you’re never there, and I can’t find you ever, ever again. The first thing I did when I got back to your place that night was to call my dad for help, because you had to live. You HAD to. I actually fought with him to persuade him not to come up to Derry and look for you, even though it was crawling with Army and RUC and he would have been arrested in seconds, because he could tell how upset I was and how much you meant to me. He still had swarms of men out hunting the streets for you in minutes, but there was just so much chaos that night no one even got close to where I left you.” Erin swallowed awkwardly. “If you died, Gerard, especially if it was in front of me…” Erin shook her head blankly. “Gerard, I love you. I already watched my mother and all my sisters die horribly. I lost my whole family, except for my dad, and I see him once a month if I’m lucky. I just… I can’t lose you too.” She looked at him. “Please, Gerard. Please. Don’t make me go through that again. Promise me, Gerard, Promise me you won’t.”  
“I do, Erin. I do promise.” Gerard hugged her tight, trying to ignore a swirling sense of guilt. “I’ll be OK, Erin. I will.” He kissed her forehead. “Erin, PLEASE don’t worry…”  
“Do you think any of those people who died left the house that morning, expecting never to get to go home?” There were tears running down Erin’s face. “I know it’s the RUC’s fault and the Army’s fault that places don’t get cleared in time, that I don’t have to feel responsible because of what my dad does, that the IRA never DELIBERATELY kills civilians, but there are other groups out there who do, including the Army, so even if my dad isn’t a part of it, even if… you know… what if it was you, standing there, at exactly the wrong time? You’d just be… red mist.” Erin’s eyes were huge and terrified. “It could so EASILY be you, Gerard, because all these people have been doing are normal, everyday things. They were walking along the street, waiting for a bus, doing their shopping, having a drink, going to the bank, or just sitting at home. Hell, my mother had just put her kids to bed one night. None of those people ever thought they were going to die that day, NONE, and yet they ALL DID!” She burst into loud sobs. “Gerard, it… it just… I love you so much, I don’t think I could ever bear a life without you…”  
“Come on, Erin, come on…” Gerard hugged her tight, stroking her hair soothingly. “It’s OK, Erin, OK, I’m right here, and I love you, I love you so much, so tell me what you need to feel safe and I’ll do it, OK?”   
“Gerard, it’s not me, I don’t give a damn about me… please, I just want to feel you’re here, I want to feel as close to you as possible…” Erin buried her face in his shoulder. “Gerard, I just want you wrapped around me, hugging me in close…” Erin kissed the side of his neck. “I just want you holding me, please…”  
“Sure, Erin, I love you, I’ll hold you as tight as you want…” Gerard put his arms around her and kissed her forehead. “Erin… I swear I will hug you as close as I can, and I will try my hardest to make you feel as loved and as safe as you are.” He smiled softly at her, kissing her gently and resting his forehead against hers. “Just tell me what you need, OK, whatever it is.” Erin bit her lip and looked up at him, and he smiled back, looking into her eyes and stroking her cheek. “Please, Erin. Just tell me what you need. Anything, and I’ll do it. Arming myself before I leave the house, going over Frank’s head to a higher-ranking officer, trying to reason with my handler. I promise.” He kissed her again. “Anything.”


	35. 35

“I had something else in mind.” Erin grabbed him and kissed him desperately, pulling him on top of her.  
“Oh. OK. Cool.” Gerard leaned in and kissed her deeply. “You’re the love of my life, Erin. I don’t care about the danger… just as long as I have you.”  
Erin stared at him. “Really?” Gerard blushed, raking his hand through his hair. “Yeah. You’re… you’re the love of my life.”Erin opened her mouth, paused, and then pulled him in and kissed him passionately, tightening her arms around him and pressing every inch of her body against his. “You’re the love of my life too…”  
Gerard pulled off his pyjama shirt and pushed Erin down into the mattress, helping her wriggle out of her nightdress and kissing her harder and more passionately as he began to touch and stroke her, a gasp catching in her throat. “Are you… um… sure? You still seem a little…”  
“Yes, yes, I am…” Erin nodded frantically. “It’s the closest I ever feel to you, and I need that, I need that so badly, so kiss me, Gerard, please…”  
“Oh Christ, Erin…” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her closer, slipping his hand between her legs and beginning to stroke her with his fingers, feeling the usual irresistible creeping tingles of pleasure as she rubbed herself hard against him, moaning loudly and grabbing his hair as she kissed him, pulling him close and looking into his eyes. “Faster, Gerard, faster, please…” She pushed herself hard against his fingers, crying out as he slowly started to knead her and move his fingers faster, slowly pushing one finger inside her. She let out a long, strangled moan, clinging to him and pressing her body tightly against his, and then screamed loudly as he slowly teased her between his fingers.  
“Is that good?” Gerard grinned, tweaking her gently with his thumb. Erin swore loudly, leaned in and kissed him roughly, pushing against his hand as he began to thrust his fingers back and forth, rocking them up against her, hearing her breath hitch and catch in her throat as he touched her. “Erin, I love to touch you, you’re always incredible, just knowing how much you want me, FEELING how much you want me…”  
“Oh, and I love it when you touch me too, Gerard, it feels incredible…” Erin kissed him deeply, wrapping her arms around his back, feeling him push a second finger inside her. “JESUS, Gerard, keep going, that feels so good, oh, OH, KEEP GOING!” Erin was kissing him frantically, moaning loudly into his mouth as he pushed a third finger inside her, thrusting her hips hard against his fingers and screaming his name at the top of her voice. “Oh yes, oh yes…” Erin began to lift her hips and a fresh rush of pleasure shot through her body as she clung to him, pulling him in closer as he kissed her, his hands in her hair. “Oh yes, Gerard… oh, Gerard… that feels so good, that feels… oh God, Gerard…”  
Gerard smiled, and then Erin felt him start to rub her with his thumb and screamed. “Does that feel good?  
“Oh yes, oh it does…” Erin kissed him hard as heavy waves of pleasure filled every part of her, burying her face in his shoulder. “Keep going, keep going, oh God…” Erin kissed him deeply, breathing hard into his mouth as Gerard felt her starting to flutter deep inside, the flutters growing stronger as he stroked her faster and faster. “Oh Gerard, I’m… oh, oh Christ, Gerard…”  
“I know, Erin, oh Jesus, I know…” Gerard wrapped his arm around her back, feeling her whole body tense against his, and then she threw her head back against the pillows and screamed as she came, her body shuddering and pushing up against him.  
“Gerard, I love you, I love you so much…” Erin was lying on her back, trying to catch her breath. “Gerard… oh, Gerard, I love you so, so much… Gerard, please, please make love to me, please…” She looked into his eyes and stroked his face, trying to catch her breath. “Please…”  
“Erin, your skin is so beautiful…” Gerard started to kiss the side of her neck as he pushed slowly inside her, hearing her let out a quiet sigh and feeling her turn her head to breathe in the scent of his hair. “I want to kiss every inch of you…”  
“Gerard…” Erin’s hand was in his hair, her fingers tangled in it as she kissed him, murmuring his name over and over as the first pulses of pleasure began to wash over her. “Oh, Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” She smiled. “Gerard…” She turned her head and kissed his hair, stroking his back with her fingers as she held him as close as she could. ”  
“Erin…” Gerard started to kiss the side of her neck. “I love you, Erin.” Gerard started to kiss the side of her neck. “Your face, your hair, your eyes, your gorgeous white skin…”  
Erin snorted. “Except for the damned freckles.”  
“Erin, I love your freckles.” He started to kiss the sprinkling of freckles on her cheek. “I love every part of you.” He traced his fingertips slowly up her body, leaned down and kissed her deeply, his thumb stroking the corner of her mouth and his hands cradling her face as he looked into her eyes. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”  
“Oh, I love you too, you’re perfect, you’re absolutely perfect…” Erin clung to him as he moved gently inside her, tears in her eyes as pleasure began to spread through her body. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted…”  
“So are you, Erin, so are you…” Gerard smiled and kissed her passionately, resting his forehead against hers and kissing her again, feeling her breathing softly into his mouth. “Erin, Erin, Erin…”  
Erin smiled and kissed him deeply. “I love it when we’re together, Gerard, you always feel so wonderful…” Erin turned her head and looked at him as he kissed the side of her neck, flicking his tongue against her ear. “You’re my life…”  
“You’re my life too.” Gerard smiled and started to kiss her gently, over and over and over. “Oh, I love you so much…” He rested his forehead against hers and kissed her again, feeling her breathing softly into his mouth. “I love you so much, Erin…”  
Erin could feel the sense of pleasure spreading upwards, pulsing more and more intensely through her body. “Gerard… this feels amazing…”  
“It does, it does…” He kissed her again, pressing his body against hers. “Oh God, Erin, no one has ever felt as good as you do, you’re incredible…”  
“Gerard…” The waves of pleasure were growing stronger and more intense. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, oh God, harder, harder…”  
“Christ, Erin…” Gerard was breathing heavily, kissing her neck and shoulders. “Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin…”  
Erin felt Gerard start to push harder and harder into her and began to lift her hips, crying out as intense jolts of pleasure shot through her. “Oh, GERARD…”   
Gerard smiled as he kissed her chest. “Does that feel good?”  
“Oh, oh yes it does, oh kiss me…” Gerard’s mouth was back on hers and Erin kissed him breathlessly, clinging to his back.  
“Erin, oh Erin, oh Erin, oh Erin…” Gerard pressed his body against hers, his hands in her hair, stroking her face. “Erin, oh… oh, I love you so much…”  
“Gerard…” Erin pulled him down and kissed him passionately, her tongue deep in his mouth.  
“Oh Erin, oh, you taste incredible…” Gerard kept kissing her, his hands clutching at her hair. “Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin…” He buried his face in the side of her neck, breathing in the scent of her skin.  
“Oh…” Erin’s eyes were wide open and unfocused, pounding waves of pleasure overwhelming her. “Oh… oh Gerard, Gerard, this is… oh, oh God oh Gerard!“ Gerard felt her arms tightening around his body, Erin’s fingernails scratching deep grooves into Gerard’s back as she hugged him close, pushing up against him. “Oh Gerard, Gerard, Gerard, GERARD-“  
Erin came violently, her body forcing upwards into Gerard’s hips as he came with a sudden jerk, a force of indescribable pleasure striking him as she collapsed exhausted onto the mattress. Gerard gasped her name, kissing her passionately, and fell on his back beside her, trying to catch his breath. “Oh Erin, oh Erin… that was amazing…”  
Erin turned her head and looked at him, smiling breathlessly. “Oh, it was, it was fantastic… it’s always fantastic with you, Gerard, always…”  
Gerard smiled, pulling her in close and wrapping his arms around her. “Erin… oh Erin… you are so special…  
“Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” Erin kissed him passionately. “Oh, Gerard, I love you…please, please, whatever happens, remember that I love you, remember how much I love you, please, I’m begging you…”  
“I promise, Erin.” He felt her start to stroke his hair and smiled tiredly, looking up at her face as he held her close. “I love you, Erin. I love you more than anything in the world. I don’t think I could ever live without you.”  
Erin shook her head. “No. No, don’t say that, please don’t say that.”  
“Why not, it’s true.” Gerard smiled and snuggled down beside her. “You’re perfect, you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and there’s absolutely nothing about you that I don’t-“  
“PLEASE!” Erin’s eyes filled with tears. “Please, Gerard, PLEASE don’t say things like that…”  
Gerard started to feel a sense of unease. “Erin-“  
“Gerard, I really do love you, I promise…” She started to cry. “I promise…”  
“Erin, oh my God.” Gerard hugged her tighter. “Are you OK?”  
“I… I…” Erin started sobbing harder and harder. “Gerard, oh my God, no, this isn’t happening…”  
“Erin, nothing needs to happen, OK?” Gerard was fighting off panic. “Erin, I love you, you love me, remember that, that’s all that matters, OK, I love you, I do, I love you more than anything-“  
“I love you too. but Gerard…” Erin took a deep breath, forcing back tears. “Gerard, I didn’t intend for that to happen, but I just love you so much, and the look in your eyes, I couldn’t bear to think that it might be the last time I might see your face, and… and…” She broke down in tears again. “Oh God, Gerard…”  
Gerard felt his stomach start to heave, “Erin, no-“  
“No, Gerard.” Erin swallowed and forced herself to look at his face, wincing as she saw the tears already streaming down his cheeks. ”I think we should break up.” She wiped her eyes, forcing herself not to look away. “Not for me, for you. I don’t think we should see each other any more.”


	36. 36

April 27, 1972

“You… you…” Gerard hurled himself off the bed and threw up violently in his bedside waste bin, then curled up on his side on the floor, sobbing hysterically. “Erin, no, no, no…”  
“Gerard we have to.” Erin buried her head in the back of his shirt, soaking it as she cried. “We have to, it’s the only way we’ll be safe…”  
Gerard turned around and looked at her. “I don’t care what he does to me because I’d rather live a single day with you than live an entire lifetime without you, I told you, why can’t you see that, why-”  
“So would I.” Erin smiled softly. “But I heard what he said in the bedroom. I love you for playing along to protect me, but… Gerard, I couldn’t bear it if he hurt you, and I’d know it was because of me.”  
Gerard faked a casual smile, trying to hide the rising sense of guilt he had that he hadn’t just been playing along, and how pathetically close he’d been to actually fucking Frank with Erin in the next room. “Come on, Erin, it’s just Frank being Frank…”  
“Gerard, you built me a bunker!” Erin stared at him. “He had me held face down on the floor with nine submachine guns cocked and pointed at my head!”  
“So… so that’s just it.” Gerard looked at her, tears streaming down his face. “It’s over, just like that.”  
“Yes.” Erin started to cry harder. “I’m so sorry, Gerard, but I can’t see you any more. He’s won. I can’t risk your life like this. It’s just’s just…” She started to cry harder and harder. “It’s just more than I can bear…”  
Gerard nodded silently, and then started heaving again and seized the waste bin, throwing up and retching loudly as Erin leaned down and rubbed his back. “Oh God, Erin…” He grabbed her hand. “Please, Erin, oh God, please…”  
“I love you, Gerard.” Erin smiled tearfully, pulling him back into the bed with her, still clutching the wastepaper bin. “But I can’t risk your life. I’m sorry.”  
Gerard bit his lip and looked at down at his feet, hugging his knees tightly against his chest. “I love you too.”  
Erin silently reached out and flipped on the bug jammer. “Gerard, oh my God, I am so sorry, I had it to be as real as possible, I do love you, and I would never leave you, I swear!” She threw her arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder as she pressed her face into the side of his neck. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”  
“You mean…” Gerard frowned in confusion. “You’re… not breaking up with me?”  
“No, Gerard, no, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I had to do it so we can be together…” Erin began to cry harder. “I called my father and I explained the Army was threatening us, and he came up with a plan, but… but first we had to break up, and we had to do it convincingly, and I wasn’t sure you’d go along with it… and if you didn’t, then we really would be over, so I flipped off the bug jammer before you woke up and let the Army listen in on your… um… sexual prowess.” She smiled tearfully. “Do you… do you forgive me?”  
“I… I…” Gerard shook his head, and Erin had to fight the urge to grab the bin from him to throw up herself. “I… yes. Yes, Erin, I understand, and I forgive you.” He wiped his eyes and smiled at her. “Just as long as it means we can be together. That’s all that matters.”  
“I love you so much.” Erin hugged him tight and kissed him passionately. “OK… firstly, we’re going to publicise our breakup as much as we can. I’m going to vanish, supposedly because I can’t bear to be around you any more. I will go to my father, who will give me new identity papers and send me to some location that’s safe in the Republic. You go to Frank and tell him you dumped me. Make him happy. Play along, at least for a few weeks. After that, my father and several of my largest cousins will yell your name repeatedly, publicly accuse you of killing me, and then abduct you in such a dramatic way that the Army will be immediately notified. At some point. He will… well, there’s no way to dress this up. The two guys my cousins will leave you with will not be in on it. There will be two enforcers, and they’re going to torture you in the presence of the head of the nutting squad until he finally leaves so he can avoid any complicity in your death. Then my father will fake your death, dye your hair, and drive you to a hospital in Monaghan. He will claim he found you at the side of the road, and leave you at the hospital.” She stroked his face. “I know it sounds horrific, Gerard, I know, but-“  
“If it means we can be together, I’ll do it.” Gerard smiled a little shakily, worried about what Eamon Kelly’s definition of ‘torture’ was. “I don’t care.”  
“Good, because they’re going to kneecap you in the street.” Erin bit her lip and squeezed his hand.  
Gerard’s eyes widened. “They’re going to what?!”  
“They’re going to shoot you in both knees in the street.” Erin put her arm around his shoulder comfortingly. “But don’t worry, Gerard. They’ll do it in the way that means it will fully heal and you can walk again without a limp.”  
“Well, thank God for that, I guess?” Gerard managed a wobbly smile.  
“It’s OK, Gerard. It means we can be together.” Erin kissed him deeply, cradling his face in her hands, and suddenly he didn’t care if they shot apart every bone in his body. “Isn’t it?”  
“Yes.” He smiled. “I love you, Erin.” Something suddenly occurred to him. “And the… um… torture?”  
“Ah. The torture.” Erin shifted uncomfortably, her hand tightening reassuringly on his. “I… don’t know exactly. There will be a crowbar, and pliers, and…” She looked at him pleadingly. “But Gerard, my father says he won’t make it go on any longer than he has to to make it real, because the men won’t be in on it, and unless-“  
“Erin, I’ll do it.” Gerard kissed her. “If it means we can be together, a whole new start, then I’ll do it.”  
Erin smiled. “I love you so much… but Gerard, does Frank know you have a brother?”  
“Yes.” Gerard’s stomach turned over. “Yes. He knows his name, he knows his address-“  
“Gerard, it’s OK.” Erin wrote down a phone number. “Go to a phone booth, call your brother, and get him to call this number and leave his name and number. After that, call a grief counselling charity so that anyone tailing you will think you called them. My dad will call your brother and set him up with his own deal, just like ours - a new name, a new flat, and a job, so you don’t have to worry about looking after him any more. Since, as far as the Army knows, you’re dead, your brother will receive all your military benefits and pension, so Michael Way will continue to exist in name so all of the money will immediately go into an untraceable numbered account in Switzerland. The new Michael will have no ties to Gerard Way at all, but he WILL have access to the account. He’ll be safe from Frank, and still get your benefits.” She caught him staring. “My dad’s been doing stuff like this for years. I know exactly how it works. Trust me.”  
Gerard laughed and hugged her close. “I love you so much, Erin.”  
“But…” She bit her lip. “Gerard, I spoke to my dad before you woke up, and… I need to leave tomorrow.”  
“Oh.” There was a sudden lump in Gerard’s throat. “Can I at least-“  
“Drive me? No.” Erin looked away, swallowing back tears. “One of my cousins is going to drive me out of the city to a convent in Roscommon. A hairdresser is going to cut my hair shorter, and my dad is going to give me false papers. National insurance card, birth certificate, passport, driving licence, employment history, education and certificates. He will also give me IR£50,000 to get a cheap car and get to an address he will give me, and then to live off until I can find a job and a house in the chosen town under my new name.”  
“Wow.” Gerard looked stunned. “He put that together quick…”  
“Daddy has always had an escape plan for me.” Erin smiled a little. “He’ll have the same for you, although he’ll dye your hair right after they’re done with the torture and then leave a car outside Monaghan coach station for you with the bank details and new papers in the boot. The keys will be in your pocket when he checks you into the hospital, and he’ll call you there to tell you where to go. OK?”  
“‘Right after they’re done with the torture.’ Great.” Gerard forced a smile. “I would do anything for you, Erin.”  
“I know.” Erin hugged him. “I love you so much, Gerard, and if there was any other way-”  
“I know.” Gerard buried his face in her neck. “I love you too.”  
Erin pulled back and looked up at him, her hand on the side of his face as she stroked his cheer with her thumb. “I’m so sorry.”  
“YOU’RE sorry?!” Gerard stared at her. “Erin, this is all my fault, I’m the one who brought Frank into your life, if it wasn’t for me-“  
“Then I never would have met you.” Erin leaned in and kissed him passionately, pushing him slowly back down onto the bed. “And I don’t care about anything else, Gerard. I just want you. If that means different hair, different name, different life… that’s how it is.”  
“Erin that’s just… so much to give up…” Gerard was struggling to get words out between passionate kisses. “Oh Jesus, Erin…”  
“Gerard…” Erin pulled his T shirt off over his head and started to kiss his chest as he unbuttoned her nightgown to her waist. “Oh, Gerard, Gerard, Gerard… please, make love to me, Gerard, please…”  
Gerard smiled and kissed her passionately. “Just let me-“  
“No.” Erin grabbed him desperately and pulled him back on top of her. “Please, Gerard, I want to feel as close as I can, please, let me feel you, just this once, I need it, I NEED you, I’m one pill off, one pill, just yesterday, I promise, please, Gerard, I need to feel you inside me, YOU…”   
“Erin…” He leaned in and kissed her, his hands tightening in her hair as she hugged him tightly. “Erin, I don’t think- SWEET JESUS!” Erin was rubbing up against him with her hips and kissing slowly down his neck and shoulders, licking off each lipstick mark with a slow flick of her tongue. “Jesus, Erin, that… that feels so GOOD!”  
“Gerard…” She leaned up and kissed his ear. “Gerard, please…”  
“Erin…” He began to trace his fingertips up and down her spine and she shivered, pulling him in closer and pressing herself against his body. Gerard was kissing her more and more frantically, rolling over and pushing her down into the mattress, finally slipping off her nightgown and sliding his hand down between her legs. Erin whimpered as she felt his fingers start to move, stroking and rubbing and kneading, and every muscle in her body trembled. “Oh Gerard, oh, that feels so good…”  
Gerard smiled and kept kissing her, pressing his body as hard as he could against hers as she held his face in her hands. “Erin…” He ran his other hand up her side as he touched her, stroking the side of her neck with his thumb as his fingers brushed through her hair. “Oh, Erin…”  
“Gerard….” Erin started to kiss the side of his neck, gasping his name into his ear and thrusting her hips up against his hand, her breaths coming in hitches and jolts as he moved his fingers faster and faster. She wrapped her arms tightly around his back as he began to kiss the side of her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair and her skin. “Oh Gerard…” She turned her head and kissed his hair, stroking his back with her fingers as she held him as close as she could. The pleasure was rushing through her faster and faster as he touched her and she began to thrust her hips upwards, pushing against his fingers. “Oh Gerard… oh… oh Gerard…” Erin could barely get the words out between kisses. “Oh… oh, that… that feels so good, SO GOOD…”   
“Erin, I love you, I love you so much…” Gerard kept moving his fingers, stroking and kneading her, and then he pushed a finger inside her and she moaned, pushing against his hand. The waves of pleasure were spreading through her whole body and she was thrusting up against Gerard’s hips, her breath catching in her throat as he held his body tightly against hers. “Erin, I would do anything for you, anything…”  
“I know.” Erin smiled softly. “I love you.”  
“I love you too…” Gerard began to push his hips against her, finally slipping off his boxers as she started to rub up against his skin, the sensation almost driving her insane with pleasure. “Oh God, oh Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard, that feels incredible…” She grabbed his hair and pulled him in to kiss her, holding her forehead against his and savouring the feeling of his hot breath on her face, “Gerard, I feel… I feel…” She could feel heavy pulses of pleasure beating outwards, overwhelming waves of pleasure washing over her. “Oh God, Gerard…”  
“I know, I know…” Gerard was kissing her passionately, finally moving forward and pushing inside of her, her body contorting violently beneath his as she came, screaming his name and clenching her hand into fists, leaving deep claw marks in his back.  
“Gerard, oh Gerard, oh Gerard…” Erin looked into his eyes, kissing him deeply and pulling him closer, her fingers tangled in his hair. “Promise you’ll come back to me. Promise you won’t fall back in love with Frank and stay here forever.”  
I won’t, but there’s a good chance I’ll fuck him at least once. Gerard smiled, trying to dodge the same sense of guilt. “Erin, I promise. I love you. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.” He stroked the side of her face, “I promise you everything that I have that I will come back to you just as soon as I ca- well, as soon as your cousins shoot me in the kneecaps.”  
Erin laughed, and then her breath caught as Gerard began to push faster and harder, “Oh JESUS, Gerard, oh, oh, harder, harder, please, that feels wonderful, keep going…”  
“Christ, Erin, I want to touch every single inch of you…” Gerard ran his hands over her body, trailing his fingertips across her skin. “You’re just so beautiful, Erin, I can’t live without you, not even…” He swallowed back tears. “Not even for just a few weeks, it’s going to kill me, I NEED you, Erin!”  
“I need you too, but it’s how it has to be.” Erin looked up at him tearfully, hugging him tight. “Please, Gerard, it’s just for a little while…” Erin kissed him deeply, letting out a gasp as she felt him push deeper inside her. “Oh Christ, oh Gerard, oh, that feels so good, keep going, harder, please, that feels amazing…”  
“Oh Erin…” Gerard started to kiss the side of her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair. “Erin, I love you, I love you, I need you…”  
“I love you too…” Erin buried her face in his hair, clinging to him as tightly as she could. “Oh God, Gerard, Gerard, Gerard…” She wrapped her legs tightly around his hips, tracing her hands across his scars. “Please look after yourself while I’m away… please… there’s no safe way for us to stay in contact…”  
“Erin, I’ll be fine. As long as you’re safe, I’ll be fine.” Gerard smiled and kissed her passionately, his hands in her hair. “Does that feel good?”  
“Yes, oh God, it feels amazing, Gerard…” Heavy pulses of pleasure were beating heavily through her body, pounding so hard she could barely breathe. “Oh, I’m so close, I’m so close…”  
“Erin…” Gerard buried his face in the side of her neck. “I love that it’s just you, Erin, no condom or anything, just YOU…”  
“I love it too…” Erin was fighting to catch her breath, pleasure pounding through her. “That’s all I wanted, it’s… it’s the greatest feeling in the world, I feel so close to you, and all I want is you, Gerard, you’re all I want…”  
“I know, you’re all I want too…” Gerard was kissing her frantically as he clung to her. “Erin…”  
“Oh… oh Gerard… oh… oh… oh oh OH GERARD!” Erin screamed his name as she came violently against him, pushing up into his body as he wrapped his arms tighter around her back and kissed her deeply, jerking abruptly and letting out a loud cry as he came himself.  
“Erin… Erin…oh Erin…” Gerard looked at her contentedly. “Oh, you make me so happy…”  
“You make me happy too.” Erin smiled and hugged him tight. “We’ll be together soon, Gerard. I promise.”  
“Not soon enough.” Gerard stroked the side of her face, “I wish you never had to go away… I’m going to miss you so much…” He started to cry. “Erin, why do you have to go?”  
“Because I do.” Erin smiled sadly. “Your ex is stalking me. He’s stalking both of us, and he’s going to hurt us unless we either break up or vanish. Do you want to break up?”  
“NO!” Gerard shook his head frantically. “Why would you ever say that?”  
“Because if you don’t want me to go away, that’s the only other option.” Erin looked at him, tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Gerard, but it will only be for a few weeks, two or three months at most. Then you’ll go through that… um… thing, and then once you get out of the hospital there’ll be a car and maps waiting to bring you to me.” She smiled. “And then we can be together forever. Isn’t that what you want?”  
Gerard started to cry harder. “All I want is you…”  
“All I want is you too.” Erin kissed him gently. “But this is all we CAN do and still stay together, Just remember I love you. Please. I’ll be waiting for you, I promise… just don’t leave me waiting for the rest of my life, because I will. Promise me.”  
“I promise.” Gerard kissed her. “Just remember the whole time that I’ll be coming to find you as fast as I possibly can, OK?”  
Erin nodded tearfully. “OK.”  
“Good.” Gerard smiled. “I love you.”  
“I love you too. And remember the rule, Gerard - ‘I will never forget that you love me, if you never forget that I love you.”   
Gerard smiled again and started to stroke her hair. “And I will never forget that you love me, if you never forget that I love you.”  
“You’re so cute.” Erin laid her head on his chest and ran her fingers over his bare skin. “I want to stay like this with you forever…”Gerard smiled again and kissed the top of her head, stroking her back. “Me too.”

April 28, 1972

The next morning, it was barely light outside when Erin carefully slid out from under Gerard’s arm, gently climbed out of bed and dressed quietly, trying not to wake Gerard as he slept with his arms thrown out across the bed. She picked up her suitcase of favourite clothes and mementos, leaned across the bed and kissed Gerard lightly on the cheek, and crept out of the house, tears streaming down her face as she loaded her suitcase into a waiting car and climbed into the front seat. “Hi, Dean.”  
“Hey there, Erin Cahill.” Her cousin grinned as they pulled away from the kerb. “Nice to meet you,”

When Gerard woke three hours later, he found his bed empty, and a single note on the bedside table.

“I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,   
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:   
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,   
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries   
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,   
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose   
from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,   
I love you directly without problems or pride:  
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,  
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,   
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,   
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.”

\- Neruda

Always remember that I love you, Gerard. My heart will always be yours.

Erin x


	37. 37

April 28, 1972 

Gerard woke early in the morning and reached for her, only to find the bed empty. “…Erin?” Gerard jumped out of bed and ran through the house, frantically searching for her. “ERIN?” He looked outside the front door and stared hopelessly at the deserted street outside, realising that she had gone and he had missed her by hours. “ERIN!” He looked both ways, ignoring the odd stares from passers-by. “ERIN! ERIN! OH GOD, ERIN!”

He sprinted back inside the house and dialled 16 Marlborough Street. “Hello, Mrs Kelly, it’s-“

“Well you’ve a FINE nerve calling here!” Her grandmother sounded incandescent with rage. “Upset the poor girl so much she actually leaves town to get away from you, and then try and chase her down by calling all her relatives? Oh, you’re a fine bastard, you are. To think we had you in OUR HOME when you were having it away with our Erin, lying and telling her you loved her, with absolutely no intention of marrying her-“

“No, Mrs Kelly!” Gerard felt a wave of desperation. “I do love her, I do want to marry her-“

“THE BOLLOCKS!” screamed Mrs Kelly. “Don’t you go bothering her poor friends either, because she left notes here for everyone. The whole town knows by now!”

The whole town? Gerard suddenly had a ray of hope. If the whole town knows… Frank knows. He knows we’re not together. He’ll think he’s won. “But-“

“YOU CANNOT SLEEP WITH A GIRL AND THEN END IT, BOY!” Her grandmother was screaming so loud now that she probably didn’t even need the telephone. “SHE LOVED YOU AND YOU THREW HER AWAY AND NOW SHE’S RUN OFF TO GOD KNOWS WHERE!”

Gerard felt a pang at the thought he could ever have done that to her, faked or not. “And… and everyone knows it’s over? That I left her?” He felt tears filling his eyes. “Everyone knows she’s…gone?” You’ll see her again, Gerard. Deep breaths. This isn’t real.

“EVERYONE. It’s a DISGRACE.” Her grandmother slammed down the phone and Gerard burst into loud sobs. He ran back into the bedroom, curling up on Erin’s side of the bed and breathing in the scent of her pillow.

“Erin…” He buried his face in the sheets. “Erin…”

He swallowed and picked up the note again, taking a deep breath.

“I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, 

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: 

I love you as one loves certain obscure things, 

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries 

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself, 

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose 

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, 

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you, 

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine, 

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.”

He started to cry again. “My heart will always be yours too, Erin… my heart will always be yours…”

“HEY! BASTARD!” A rock flew through the window and showered Gerard with shattered glass. “YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DO THAT TO MY FRIEND AND GET AWAY WITH IT?”

Oh God. Gerard cursed to himself. Caitlin. He took a deep breath and went to open the front door. “Caitlin-“

“WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” Caitlin’s face was red and contorted with rage. “WHY?!”

To protect her. To protect you. “Because… because it was just time, we were too young to get as serious as we did and we were just going through the motions and she deserved someone who really, truly adored her.” Like me.

“BULLSHIT!” Caitlin threw another stone at him and Gerard hurled himself onto the ground. “You got wha you wanted, right, so you were done with her. Is that it? Is it?”

No. Never. Not in a million years. Gerard hung his head. “Caitlin, it was more complicated than-“

“FUCKER!” Caitlin kicked him hard in the gut and Gerard doubled over, gasping for breath. “YOU BROKE HER, GERARD! SHE FLED THE CITY TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!”

“I know, I know, I spoke to her grandmother, she…” Gerard swallowed. “She didn’t say where she’d gone, just that she was gone-“

“I don’t know where she’s gone! No one knows!” Caitlin burst into tears. “She could be anywhere, all alone and devastated, and I can’t help her…” Gerard tried to put his arm around her and she shoved him away. “Do NOT touch me, ASSHOLE!”

Gerard backed off with his hands raised. “Whoa, whoa, I was just trying to comfort you-“

“Comfort me? COMFORT ME?!” Caitlin hurled another stone and hit Gerard in the shin. “YOU STOLE MY BEST FRIEND!”

“Well, technically, she ran away-“

“FUCK YOU!” Caitlin kicked him in the crotch and he fell over again, doubled up and cursing and praying not to vomit. “You took her from me because she couldn’t even bear to be in the same CITY as you. Do you know how that feels? 13 years’ friendship gone, just like that, because of YOU!”

“Caitlin, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I miss her too, I miss her desperately-“

“You don’t have the RIGHT to miss her!”

“But I do, Caitlin, I do miss her…” Gerard began to cry harder. “I miss her so much I can hardly breathe, every minute without her is unbearable-“

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have DUMPED HER!” Gerard ducked as Caitlin hurled another rock. “You BASTARD!”

“Caitlin, I-“ I did it to protect her. I did it to protect you. “I’m sorry-“

“BASTARD!” She kicked him again. “If I don’t hear from her within a week I swear to God I WILL SEND MY BROTHERS DOWN HERE!”

Gerard’s eyes widened. He’d seen the size of Caitlin’s twelve brothers. “Caitlin, PLEASE-“

“Dickhead.” Caitlin turned on her heel and stomped off, leaving Gerard clutching his crotch and leg and cursing quietly as he tried to stand.

He finally dragged himself back into the house and eyed the phone with hatred. He knew what his news would mean. He didn’t want that. In fact, that was the last thing he wanted… if only because he was afraid he would give in.

The voice at the end was as bored as ever. “Holmes.”

“Yossarian.” Gerard took a deep, shuddering breath. “Ilsa… Ilsa has left me.”

Holmes cursed. “Yossarian, where are you going to get information from now?! Ilsa was your main source!”

And I loved her. I loved her more than anything in the world. Gerard bit his lip. “I know, but… I’ll work on the other girls.” All of whom currently hate me. “There’s still time. I have a car. They’ll love that.”

“And Ilsa definitely won’t come back? We can allocate funds for expensive gifts.”

Ew. Gerard made a face. “No, sir. Ilsa has left Derry, location-“ His voice caught. “Location currently unknown.”

“Could we send a young female operative to her home looking for her and find out from her grandparents?”

If only. “Negative, she has run away. Not even her grandparents know where she is.” He paused. “Oh, and notification of broken window, one of Ilsa’s friends pelted me with stones.”

He could suddenly hear muffled laughter. “Stones?”

Gerard went red. “Yes. Large ones.”

There was a sigh. “Fine. We’ll have it reglazed today. Meanwhile, since Mockingbird still needs to be fully embedded and you’re completely integrated, Mockingbird will come to live with you as your brother.” Gerard could almost hear the gritted teeth. “Is that acceptable?”

NO! Gerard almost recoiled in horror. No, No. Not Mockingbird. Anyone but Mockingbird. This cannot happen. “But sir, everyone has seen photos of me with Mikey, and Mockingbird is at least a foot too short-“ And I might fuck him. Oh GOD, I might fuck him. No. I can’t fuck him. I can’t. But I might, Oh Christ,

“Then you have more than one brother, and one is Mockingbird. Understood?”

Gerard grimaced. “Yes, sir, understood.” And seriously fucked up.

“Good. He’ll bring your new ‘sister’ Harper. She’s Special Forces too, so don’t underestimate her just because she’s a tiny woman.” He paused. “Won’t let you sleep with her, either. Believe me, I tried.” There was a loud click, and then the hated dial tone.

Gerard cursed and walked to the bus station phone.“Mikes?”

“Gerard?!” Mikey sounded surprised. “What’s up?”

“I… I…” Gerard burst into tears. “Erin’s gone, Mikes, Erin’s gone…”

“GONE?” Mikey’s voice took on a new edge. “You mean she’s been taken?”

“No, she’s… she’s left, she’s gone, and now my bed is so cold and empty!” Except for the broken glass.

Mikey sounded confused. “But wasn’t that the plan?”

“Yes, but…” Gerard started to cry harder. “Mikes, I need her, I need her so much, I… I feel like I’m going to die without her… I just…” He choked back more tears. “I didn’t expect her to go so soon…”

“Christ.” Mikey sighed. “Look, try the bar. They know everything.” He snorted. “I should know. My customers tell me everything.” He heard his brother retch slightly. “EVERYTHING.”

Think about it logically, Gerard.It’s safer just to let her go. It’s safer just to let her go. It’s safer just to let her go. Gerard sighed and dialled another number. “Hi, is this the Bogside Inn-“

“ARE YOU THE YOUNG MAN WHO THREW OVER THAT SWEET GIRL ERIN KELLY?”

Shit. Gerard sighed. Her grandmother was right. Everyone DID know. “It’s more complicated than that-“

“Why?” snapped the barman. “She pregnant? You sleep with the girl and now she’s pregnant so you throw her over?” Gerard heard him spit. “You ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT-“

Shit. Gerard, back up, back up. “No, no, that’s not it at all, she just… left, and I need her, I NEED her, so if you have any idea-“

“Asshole.” The barman slammed the phone down, and Gerard sighed. Her grandmother was right. EVERYONE in Derry knew.

Gerard slunk back to his bedroom, chose his favourite Johnny Cash LP, put it on the player, and flopped back down, ignoring the glass and curling back up on Erin’s side of the bed and crying quietly, stroking the sheets with his fingertips. He didn’t care about Caitlin, or her brothers, or Erin’s angry grandparents, or Holmes. He just wanted Erin.

_‘…What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend_

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end…’_

Waking up to an empty bed and a single note had been one of the worst feelings in his life. He couldn’t believe she’d slipped away while he slept. The love of his life had slipped out of his arms and out of his life and he didn’t even notice. What kind of boyfriend was he? Hell, what kind of future FIANCE was he? 

_‘Beneath the stains of time_

_The feelings disappear_

_You are someone else_

_I'm still right here_

If he’d asked her to marry him, would she have left? He’d been saving and saving, putting money away at a jeweller in Belfast for an antique ring. He was just waiting for the ring. She had to know he was serious about marrying her… right? She had to know he wasn’t stringing her along to get her into bed. She had to. She HAD to.

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend_

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end_

On the one hand, he understood why he couldn’t go with her. He did. Honestly, he did… but he missed her. He missed her desperately. He pressed his face into the pillow, sobbing as he breathed in her scent. It was a physical pain, a tearing ache that seemed impossible to survive. He wanted her. He NEEDED her.

_And you could have it all_

_My empire of dirt_

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt…’_

“Erin…” He started to cry harder, clutching at the pillow. “Erin…”

_‘…If I could start again_

_A million miles away_

_I would keep myself_

_I would find a way…’_


	38. 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late for Fanworks day... but I tried to make up for it!

May 25, 1972

Dear Mikey,

I miss Erin. I'm dying without her. You have no idea. And now they've put Frank in my house. This is a nightmare I can't wake up from.

\- - - - - -

You cannot call Erin, Gerard.

It’s better to let this play out, Gerard.

I don’t care if it’s killing you, Gerard.

I don’t care if every second feels like unmitigated torture without her-

Gerard was woken from his half-deze by the sound of the front door slamming and reluctantly headed into the hallway. “Frank.”

“Hi Gerard. Nice to see you saw sense and dumped that ginger bitch.” Frank grinned.

“FRANK!” An angry-looking girl with black hair was lugging a suitcase behind him. “That’s not nice!”

“Ah.” Frank gestured at the small, skinny black-haired girl behind him. “This is Caroline. She’s my best friend.” He looked at Gerard. “And please, Gerard. What were you going to do with her? Get married, move to the suburbs, have a few kids, and have someone tell you when and where to do every single damn thing? You want to change wet nappies and deal with screaming brats and some bitch who only reluctantly gives you dull missionary sex once a month, after making you almost beg for it?”

I don’t care. Gerard blinked back tears. All I want is her.

Caroline smacked the back of his head. “FRANK, STOP!” 

Frank rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

“So… I heard you two used to have a little *thing* going…” Caroline leaned in conspiratorially, speaking in a heavy Fermanagh accent. “I’m a lesbian, so I totally got what Frank was going through when he came out in barracks, because I went through the exact same thing but NOWHERE near as bad. I came to find him after that first day, when the news raced through the base. We’ve been kind of our own little support group.” She gestured at the empty room behind her. “Will this be my room?”

“Um… sure?” Gerard looked unsure. “How… how long are you planning on staying?”

Caroline shrugged. “As long as it takes.”

Gerard shifted uncomfortably. That sounded ominous. As long as it takes for what? “You sound…” Gerard frowned. “You sound… Irish.”

“I am. Northern Irish. Enniskillen girl.” Caroline smiled. “So you’re the other Irish guy I heard about. Wasn’t sure if you were a myth.”

“Nope. Not a myth.” Gerard paused. “Are you…” He swallowed. “Are you part of the same group as Frank?” The bastards who scared my Erin away?

“No.” Caroline threw back her head and roared with laughter. “Like they’d let a woman do that. No frontline for me. SF or not, I’m strictly surveillance only.”

Surveillance of who? Me? Definitely. Definitely me. Gerard forced a smile. “Cool. I hadn’t realised they had more SF out here in Derry.”

Caroline shrugged. “Three or four, including us. My backstory is that I’m staying here with you because my husband’s in HMP Maze for running guns. Figure that’ll get some good bar stories going. Most of them are in Belfast, but there’s a few here too, and some in County Louth, although obviously that’s on the quiet because they’re a foreign power. We’re not really allowed there.”

“You’re telling me.” Gerard managed a laugh, and then suddenly burst into tears. “Sorry, it’s losing my girlfriend like that, I did the breaking up but-“

“But it’s still raw. I get it.” Caroline patted his shoulder. “Frank, we should leave him be for a while.”

Frank looked disappointed. “But-“

“FRANK.” Caroline raised her eyebrows. “Come on. Let’s go unpack… and get used to our new names.”

Gerard gave her a smile of gratitude, went back into his room, and closed the door. The last thing he wanted was to risk interacting with Frank.

He put on some music and lay on his bed again, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t want Frank. He would never want Frank. He just wanted Erin. Sadly… he didn’t think Frank would see it that way.

_Beneath the stains of time_

_The feelings disappear_

_You are someone else_

_I'm still right here_

Gerard felt a rush of desperation. “Erin, my feelings for you will never disappear, promise me you’ll never forget me… please… I know you’re someone else now but I’m waiting, I’m still right here, I promise, I promise… you mean the world to me…”

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend_

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end_

Gerard was crying harder. “My sweetest friend… my sweetest, sweetest friend…”

_And you could have it all_

_My empire of dirt_

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt_

He stared blankly at the tiling on the cheap ceiling. “And you can have it all, my empire of dirt… I have let you down, I have make you hurt…”

_If I could start again_

_A million miles away_

_I would keep myself_

_I would find a way_

“If we could start again, a million miles away… oh God…” Gerard finally broke down. “Why did I have to meet her in this bloody awful city, in this bloody awful country, where we can’t even be together because we’re from two sides of a piece of shit messy artificial fucking divide?”

He wondered how many other couples were in this situation. Easily hundreds. Thousands. And it was so fucking ridiculous. Why could no one see that? Why did these people insist on killing each other and plotting against each other for the sheer sake of it?

He lay on his bed, thinking of how he missed making love to her, listening to her sigh as she turned her head to kiss his forehead and whispered his name that first time, clutching him tightly. He missed lying in bed with her, tangling their legs together as he stroked her hair and kissed her all over, and the fits of giggles she would get when he accidentally hit a ticklish spot. He missed running his hands across her bare skin, trailing his fingertips slowly over her body and feeling her shiver as he touched her. He missed holding her tight, kissing the side of her face and neck, and telling her he loved her over and over. He missed watching her sleep, listening to her soft breathing and watching her chest rise and fall lightly, curled up in his arms and nuzzled into the side of his neck, her breath soft against his skin. He missed holding her hand, sneaking kisses in her grandparents’ house, catching her smiling at him from where the school buses let out. He remembered her green eyes, her long red hair, how she never looked more beautiful than when the sun caught her hair and it shone golden and copper in the light-

There was a sudden hammering from the corner of the room and he sat bolt upright, scrambling for the Marconi with its upgraded collapsible 8ft antenna in amazement. He found himself staring at a nonsensical stream of letters and numbers punching out of the machine, and his heart sank, thinking it must be a malfunction. 

Wait.

He ran for the Enigma machine and punched in the password and then the series of letters, holding his breath, then smiling as it spit out a single sentence.

“I LOVE YOU ERIN”

He held the strip of paper close, clutching it to his chest and kissing it, running his fingers across it, and then finally set it down reluctantly to type a reply, then stopped. Damn it. He didn’t need Frank or Caroline to hear the Marconi or the Enigma. He put the Johnny Cash back on at full volume and started typing.

“Oi!” Frank was pounding on the wall. “Is that song ALL you listen to, emo boy?”

“Oh, for the…” Something in Gerard finally snapped. “WILL YOU JUST FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OFF FOR ONCE, FRANK!”

Frank started to curse him back, but then Gerard heard his phone ring in the other room and Frank answered it, listened, and swore quietly. There was the sound of the swish of his coat being put on, and the front door quietly open and close.

Silence.

Blessed silence.

Gerard breathed a sigh of relief and tapped back an Enigma-coded reply: “I MISS YOU I LOVE YOU TOO GERARD”

There was a pause, and another message appeared.

“MISS YOU TOO G”

Gerard smiled to himself, tears running down his face.

“I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU GERARD I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU SOON I HOPE YOU ARE AS EXCITED TO SEE ME AS I AM TO SEE YOU BECAUSE I JUST CANNOT WAIT ANY MORE”

Gerard smiled again, hid the Marconi and the Enigma under the bed, and dozed off, rubbing the strips of paper affectionately between his fingers. Ha. Useless nerd machines indeed.

“Gerrrrrarrrrd?”

“Hmm?” Gerard opened his eyes a little and recoiled when he saw Frank standing over him. “What?”

“I have a surprise for you, Gerard…” Frank smiled coquettishly and slowly undid his coat, revealing a red silk one-piece. “Do you like it?”

Gerard swallowed hard. “I…” Say no. “I…” Say no. Say no. “I… yes.” What the fuck are you doing? “You look… you look so pretty, Frank, so pretty…”

“Do you want to fuck me, Gerard?” Frank was almost purring.

Say no. Tell him to go away. SAY NO- “Yes,” breathed Gerard, cursing the hold this man seemed to have over him.

“Good, because tonight you’re all mine, ALL mine…” Frank climbed into the bed with him and kissed him gently, running his hands over Gerard’s back. “Tell me what you want me to do, Gerard, and I’ll do it, because I’m all yours, sweetheart, I’m all yours…”

Gerard’s eyes widened. Tell him to fuck off. TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF. “I want you to get on your goddamn back right the fuck now, soldier.” You’re sick, Gerard. SICK.

Frank eagerly rolled over and held his wrists above his head to be pinned down, almost salivating. “Oh God, Gerard, fuck me, fuck me HARD, hold me down and fuck me so hard I can’t walk tomorrow…”

“I’ll do more than that, you son of a bitch.” Gerard rolled on top of him, his brain screaming at him to stop even as he pinned Frank down, kissing him roughly and pushing hard inside him as Frank whimpered with a mixture of pain and pleasure. Gerard heard him let out a long moan of pleasure and was suddenly inexplicably, incandescently angry. He shouldn’t enjoy this. He shouldn’t enjoy tricking him into cheating on the love of his life. “Frank, I hate you so much! I hate you! I hate you!” He grabbed the headboard and began to slam into him again and again, sobbing desperately as Frank’s head banged against the wooden slats. This was wrong. This was so wrong. A few hours ago, he’d been telling Erin how much he loved her, and now… and now… He slapped Frank hard across the face. “I HATE YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Frank was crying out with either pleasure or pain, writhing beneath him and thrusting his hips upwards as Gerard moved faster and faster. “I don’t want to do this, oh God, I don’t want to do this…” Gerard felt a wave of self-hatred at his inability to control himself and started to cry harder, sobbing so hard he could barely breathe even as he came.

*****

May 26, 1972

The next morning he woke early after two or three hours of sleep, repulsed by the sight of Frank sleeping next to him. He needed to get out of there. Not anywhere in particular, just anywhere but this godawful house and the godawful person sleeping in it he’d just fucked the night before. He dressed quietly, careful not to wake Frank or Caroline, and quietly closed the front door behind him.

He made it 100ft down the street before a car pulled up with three men inside, and two of the men got of the car, one holding a gun. Gerard backed away, feeling a twinge of unease and confusion. This wasn’t what was planned. This wasn’t one of Erin’s relatives. “What do you-“

“Yeah, that’s the bastard.” The man without the gun looked him up and down as Gerard heard the safety catch click back, his stomach lurching and his breath catching in his chest. “Shoot him.”


	39. 39

May 26, 1972

Gerard’s eyes widened. “No, don’t, I-“

Erin’s father got out of the car and shot Gerard four times in the knees and stomach, and Gerard collapsed onto the road, clutching at the wounds in his stomach, and felt himself being bundled into the car. “No… no…”

“Tough, Gerard.” Eamon’s voice was cold. “Forget any escape plans. We’re going to kill you… and we’re going to make it slow.”

Gerard shook his head faintly, the world around him fading out.

_I have a surprise for you, Gerard. I’m so excited to see you soon. I hope you’re as excited as I am, because I just can’t wait._

Gerard was finally shaken from unconsciousness by a hard slap to the face. “I…” He saw he was in some kind of garage full of tools and frowned in confusion. “Eamon-“

“Do not DARE use my name, boy!”Eamon’s face was red with rage.

Gerard began to feel uneasy. This was beginning to feel a bit TOO real. “Eamon-“

“I SAID, DO NOT DARE TO USE MY NAME, BOY!”

Gerard’s eyes widened. “What the hell is-“

“ABOUT FUCKING TIME!” Eamon Kelly’s face was inches from his. “MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD, GERARD! She LOVED you, Gerard! She ADORED you!” Eamon slapped Gerard where he was tied in the chair with strong cable ties, Eamon’s eyes red and swollen and his face drawn from grief. “Why did you kill my only baby girl? My… my…” He swallowed. “My Erin?”

“Erin… Erin’s really dead? You mean… Frank actually killed her?” Gerard seemed to crumble in on himself, tears starting to stream down his face as he fell apart, breaking into loud choking sobs. Is that the phone call Frank got yesterday? Is that where he went? Did he creep up on her and pounce on her from behind as she crept through the back alleys to see Gerard, unable to bear another day without him, and strangle and beat the life out of her out of sheer jealousy? “No, no, NO, NO, this isn’t happening, it ISN’T, I WON’T LET IT BE HAPPENING-“

“They found her body in the waste ground behind your house today, so YES, it IS happening!” Eamon slapped him hard. “She must have snuck back to see you.”

_I have a surprise for you, Gerard._

“What, she catch you with some other woman? Get a hold of yourself, boy. Tell me what you did. TELL ME WHY YOU KILLED HER. Not some imaginary Frank you’ve invented, YOU. You choked her to death when all she wanted was to see you. She adored you, Gerard. She just wanted to see you, and you killed her for it!”

“WHAT?!” Gerard’s mouth fell open. “No, I loved your daughter, sir, I swear I did, I loved her, I worshipped her…”

“Sure you did, boy.” Eamon spat on the floor. “Pliers. Pull his fingernails.”

“WHAT?!” Gerard lurched forward and screamed as one of the men pulled out three of his fingernails. “Oh God, oh God, oh GOD!”

“Maybe you’ll be honest with us now, boy.” Eamon crossed his arms. “Tell us. Admit that you killed her.” 

_I’m so excited to see you soon._

He started to cry harder. “No, no, she can’t be dead, I did everything, I followed every demand and I did EVERYTHING he asked, oh God, oh God, no, Erin, oh God…” He heaved and threw up between his knees, sobbing and heaving. “I didn’t kill her, I didn’t, I SWEAR…”

_I hope you’re as excited as I am, because I just can’t wait._

“I don’t believe you.” Eamon’s eyes narrowed. “Ribs.”

“No! NO!” Gerard writhed in the chair as the men beat him with crowbars. “PLEASE, I’ll do ANYTHING, I SWEAR!”

“Then just admit you killed my baby girl.” Eamon seemed oddly calm. “She hitched a ride from Roscommon to Derry, just for you, and you repaid her by strangling her and leaving her body on a barren patch of dirt like some piece of trash.” He began to cry. “She ran from you, Gerard. They found her shoes some distance from her body and dirt on her feet. You chased her down like an animal. Tell me, Gerard, how did that feel?”

“No…” Gerard was crying so hard he could barely breathe. “No, Erin, I loved her, I LOVED HER-“

“Aye, son. I know you loved her, and she loved you too, boy, God rest her poor soul.” He slapped Gerard hard across the face. “But that’s not what I asked you, now, is it?”

Frank, you bastard, you utter bastard, I’m going to kill you if I live through this. Gerard bit his lip and shook his head. “No, sir, it wasn’t.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Erin’s father punched him in the gut and Gerard doubled over, gagging and praying he wouldn’t actually vomit again.

“OK, Gerard, now that we’re clear…” Eamon Kelly leaned in so close he could feel his breath, reaching up and grabbing his chin. “What I asked is WHY DID YOU KILL HER?”

“No.” Gerard shook his head. “No, I didn’t, I didn’t kill her, I loved her-“

Eamon shook his head. “Kneecaps.”

“NO, NO, NOT MY KNEECAPS AGAIN, PLEASE-“ Gerard screamed so loud he almost choked as two crowbars smashed into his ruined knees, a third man watching from across the room..

“TELL. ME. WHAT. HAPPENED.” Eamon’s face was an inch from his. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY GIRL?”

Gerard shook his head. “Nothing, nothing, some soldiers, the Army MRF have been threatening me and they must have taken her. I’d never have hurt her, NEVER, I’d never have let ANYONE hurt her, I didn’t know, I didn’t know what they’d do, I woke up one morning and she was just GONE, I thought… I thought…” He started to gag. “I thought she was away, that she was safe, and I still cried, but I thought she was SAFE, I SWEAR!”

Erin’s father stared at him. “But you still let them kill her, didn’t you?” He pointed at Gerard. “You lured her here. You told them where she was. You told them when she’d be there. And when she turned up… she didn’t have a chance, Gerard. You knew that. You wanted free of her and not to have to marry her so you had her killed, right? Right?”

“No, Sir, I didn’t let them do anything, I… I didn’t tell them to do anything, all I wanted was to marry her, I did everything he asked, the men who hurt her were… they were bad men, terrible men, they must have followed me to her… believe me, I LOVED your daughter, I loved her so much…I would have died for your daughter, I TRIED, I OFFERED THEM EVERYTHING-“

Eamon nodded. “Ankles.”

Gerard felt chisels being hammered into his ankles, wrenching apart tendons, bones, and ligaments, and he swore at the top of his voice. “Please, oh, please, just stop, I’ll tell you anything… anything…”

“What did you do to her?” One of the men punched him in the face. “TELL US WHAT YOU DID TO HER!”

“Nothing!” Gerard started to cry louder. “NOTHING!”

Eamon nodded. “Beat him.”

The two men started to beat Gerard around the body with a crowbar and he winced as he felt ribs break and the sharp ends of the bars break his skin, and slowly lost consciousness.

“WAKE THE FUCK UP!” Eamon slapped him hard in the face. “Tell me. Tell me what you did! WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?”

Gerard finally broke. “I’m sorry, I’M SORRY, I slept with someone else, I slept with Frank, I did, and I made him jealous and angry…” He gagged and he took a deep breath. “I could have kept it all a secret from you and saved myself, but I had to tell you everything, for Erin, I loved her so much and she loved you, and that’s why I told you about those MRF men, and sleeping with Frank, I couldn’t lie to you,it’s my fault, it’s all my fault, he wanted me so… so he took her. That’s the truth. She wouldn’t want you to have to spend the rest of your life not really knowing the whole truth about what happened to your daughter… even though I know…” He swallowed. “Although I know exactly what you’re going to do to me now, I had to do it. For her.”

“STOP LYING!” Eamon punched him hard in the face. “TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!”

“I… I…” This could still all be a trick, Gerard. You don’t know if you can trust this man, “I… killed her.” He looked down. “I killed her.”

The second man grabbed his chin, forcing his face upwards. “And how did you do it? HOW?”

Gerard shook his head tearfully. “Please don’t… please don’t make me talk about it…” Please don’t make me even IMAGINE doing that to her…

“Huh. Well, guess what. YOU DON’T HAVE A CHOICE.” One of the men yanked out another of his fingernails and Gerard shrieked. “Now TELL US WHAT YOU DID.”

“I…” Just get this over with quickly, Gerard, and you never have to do it again. “I… oh God, I can’t tell you…” What did Frank say he would do? Think, Gerard, think.

Eamon glanced up and waved his hand. “Beat him some more.”

The two men started beating Gerard in the ribs, the sharp ends of the crowbars tearing his skin and the blows shattering ribs.

“Oh God… oh God…” Gerard slumped over in the chair, still bound to it with heavy cable ties. “Please… please don’t hurt me any more… I’ll say anything, just stop, please…”

“Sure. Just tell us what you did to Erin.” One of the men leaned fake-casually against the wall, bouncing his bloodied crowbar against one hand.

“I… I killed her.” Gerard’s voice was odd and emotionless. “We fought. She… she said that she was going to leave me, so I…” Gerard suddenly threw up between his knees, and the men laughed.

“Hey Gerard? Want a couple more fingernails pulled out to jog your memory?” One of them stepped forward holding the pliers and Gerard shook his head frantically. “No, no, no PLEASE OH MY GOD-“ He tried to twist his hand away and the man grabbed it and yanked out two more of his fingernails, dropping them casually on the floor as Gerard burst into tears. “Please… no more… no more…” He hung his head, his body racked with sobs, and for a split second there was a flash of guilt in Eamon Kelly’s eyes.

“What did you do then? After she said she was going to leave, what did you do?” The second man punched him again. “Come on. Did you stab her? Shoot her? Beat her?”

“No, I… I…” Gerard took a deep breath, the same empty tone in his voice. Think of an easy way to go, Gerard. Don’t hurt her, not even in your imagination. “She came to my house when I was with someone else, and she started yelling she would tell everyone. I chased her out of the house, across the wasteland, and her shoes fell off as she ran. I caught her and tackled her, and then I strangled her. Quickly, so her struggles would be over in a few seconds, and I could finish it. I used my belt, so it would be over faster. I was worried the neighbours would hear or of the bloodstains, so I sat on her chest and I put my belt around her neck and I choked her until she was dead. It only took a couple of minutes for her to die. I knew she was dead because the light in her eyes dimmed and went out, and then she was just… gone.”

“Jesus…” Eamon’s legs went from under him and he collapsed on the floor, his head between his knees. “Oh God… oh, oh, my Erin…”

“Did she go easy, Gerard?” The first man was back, slapping him hard around the face. “Or did she try and fight you? I bet she did. I bet she begged you and you ignored her, isn’t that right?”

“Yes.” Gerard sounded as if he was reading from a script. “Yes, she begged and she cried and she grabbed and scratched at me but I held her down until she was still, but her eyes were still open and I felt so bad about what I’d done, so bad, so I closed her eyes and and then I…” He started heaving, gagged, and threw up on his shoes. “And then I left her body on the waste ground, where someone would find her quickly and give her the dignity she deserved.” Frank left her there. He left her there, behind my house, just to mock me.

The second man looked at Erin’s father. “Eamon?”

Eamon looked up, his face hard. “Kill him.” He paused. “No. Let me kill him. She was my daughter. I should be the one to do it.”

Gerard felt rough hands seize him under the arms as the thick cable ties binding him to the arms, legs, and back of the chair were cut, He started to cry again as the third man turned to leave and the other two men glanced over at Eamon, who was still hunched over on the floor behind them. “Sir?”

“Oh, stop crying.” Eamon looked at Gerard with a sneer, got up, and cut the cable ties as the the man at the back of the room nodded silently and left, closing the door quietly behind him. “Gerard, get on your fucking knees.”

Gerard obediently sank to his broken knees, feeling his hands being bound uncomfortably behind his back with rough clothesline. “Sir, can I just say one thing?”

Mr Kelly hesitated a second. “Yes. Yes you can.” He crossed his arms. “Go.”

“I just wanted you to know that I loved your daughter with my whole, whole heart.” Gerard smiled sadly. “And I would have devoted my entire life to making her happy.”

“I know, boy, I know…” Eamon started to cry. “I loved you like a son, boy.”

Gerard nodded and bowed his head. “OK. You can kill me now. Please.” He started to sob quietly. “Please. Please kill me. I can’t live without her.”

“You’re a brave kid.” Eamon hesitated for a second, and then leaned down and hugged him close. “I’m sorry, Gerard. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t. I really wish I didn’t have to do this, but it’s just the way it has to be. You killed my girl, my only girl, and… and…” Eamon stood up, taking the gun and loading it slowly. Gerard squeezed his eyes shut as a blindfold was tied over his eyes, the clothesline yanked even tighter and his head forced forward by a cold metal barrel pressed against the back of his head, Eamon’s voice behind him. “I need to do this.” Gerard heard him take a deep breath. “Gerard…

“Erin…” Gerard squeezed his eyes shut and started to murmur under his breath as he heard the simultaneous clicking back of a safety catch. “Erin, I will never forget that you love me, if you never forget that I love y-“

Gerard heard two deafening shots and felt a searing pain before everything went black, his body jerking sharply as he collapsed forwards onto the ground, his hands bound roughly behind his back and his legs tangled behind him. 

One of the other men stepped forward. “Is he dead?”

Eamon pressed his fingers hard against Gerard’s neck. “Yes.” He stood up. “Yes, he’s dead.” He pointed at the door. “You two wait outside. This is a family matter.”


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another year older, another new chapter of House of Wolves... so happy birthday to me!

May 26,1972

“Gerard? Gerard?” Gerard felt a hand lightly slapping the side of his face. “Ah, Jesus. Gerard, come on, boy…”  
“Mmmm…” Gerard opened his eyes a fraction, and then the pain hit from his legs and he screamed. Eamon quickly clamped his hand over Gerard’s mouth and made the “ssshhh” gesture, pointing at the door. “I told them you were dead, and for a minute I thought you were. Jesus, boy, but you gave me a scare.” Eamon shook his head. “Blanks’ll sting and usually knock you for six, but kill you… that’s rare enough…”  
Gerard closed his eyes as Eamon scooped him up in his arms.. ”Are you going to kill me?”  
“No. I promise. I’m going to help you.” Eamon looked both ways and ran for the back door. “We’re going to run for your damn life.”  
“Please don’t hurt me any more…” Gerard looked at him pleadingly. “Please…”  
“It’s OK, boy, no one’s going to hurt you.” Eamon sighed and fumbled for his car keys. “We’re going to get a long way away from those people, I promise.”  
“But… but Erin…” Gerard started to cry. “Erin… I swear I didn’t kill her, I would never hurt her, I loved her so much-”  
“I know. I know you wouldn’t.” Eamon smiled down at him as he carefully laid him in the back seat of his car. “Besides, she’s alive, boy. It’s OK. She’s in your new home, waiting for you. She’s alive.”  
Gerard frowned. “She’s… she’s alive?”  
“She’s alive.” Eamon carefully tucked a blanket around him and Gerard flinched. “It’s OK, Gerard. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m sorry. That was not the plan. There was a dead girl found near your house last night. It was a young girl called Margaret Feeny visiting from Belfast who was taking a shortcut home to her aunt’s house, not Erin, but rumours raced through Derry that it was Erin because they looked almost identical and Erin had disappeared so suddenly, and when some IRA men came to my house to fetch me I had to improvise at the last minute.” He bit his lip. “I’m so sorry.”  
“Frank’s real… he killed that girl…” slurred Gerard. “He killed her, I know he did…”  
Eamon’s eyebrows shot up. “Your Frank killed Maggie Feeny?”  
“He got a phone call last night, swore, and went out. He must have heard Erin was back, gone hunting for her, and thought Maggie was Erin.” Gerard looked away. “He did it. I know he did it. That’s exactly how he told me he’d kill Erin, Sir. Exactly.”  
“Well, we can sort that out, but for now you rest. I don’t care about Frank right now, I care about you.” Eamon pulled out a syringe and stuck it in Gerard’s arm. “That should kill the pain.” He smiled softly. “And you go on calling me Eamon, boy. Forget that ‘sir’ shit. We’re family.”  
Gerard looked at the syringe gratefully. “Morphine?”  
“Ketamine.” Eamon put the cap back on the syringe. “They usually use it to tranquillise horses, but it’s great for humans too.”  
“Great…” The world around Gerard was spinning. “Whoa… I feel… weird…”  
“That’ll be the ketamine, boy. Just let yourself go with it.” Eamon climbed out of the car, reached over, and smeared engine grease on Gerard’s eyelids. “There you go. Makes it look more like you’re dead. The blood on you ought to do the rest.”  
She’s alive. Thank God, she’s alive. Gerard smiled and closed his eyes. “What are you going to do?” He was starting to drift in and out of consciousness as the ketamine began to work.  
“Kill an informant who looks like you that Erin’s cousins kidnapped from up the Westway earlier, smash him up, burn off his face and hands, crop his hair, and dump him outside the barracks. That ought to do it. I’ll have to change your clothes though so I can put them on him. You just sleep here until I’m done.” Eamon glanced at the garage. “Then you need to get to a hospital. I’d take you now, if I could. I don’t like watching you suffer, boy, whatever you might think.”  
Gerard didn’t hear him. He was already unconscious again.

Eamon waited until he was sure Gerard was properly out before he went back to the garage with two of Erin’s cousins, the body of the informant already laid out dead on the floor. He took a deep breath, laid out the gun, sledgehammer, crowbar, and pliers, picked up the lye, and went to work, secure in the knowledge that Gerard was safe in the car outside.

May 27,1972

Gerard frowned. “What are you doing?” The world around him was blurry, and someone was pulling on his hair.  
“Bleaching your hair, boy.” Eamon had kitchen gloves on and was rinsing out Gerard’s hair into a bucket. “In a minute, I’m going to dye it crimson. The colour is so striking no one will look at your face.”  
“Oh.” Gerard closed his eyes again. “Where are we?”  
“County Donegal, on a little dirt road near Letterkenny. It’s about 1 in the morning, so no one should see us-“  
“PLEASE DON’T HURT ME ANY MORE! DON’T BLEACH MY EYES! DON’T BURN MY FACE OFF!” Gerard reared upwards, taking mad, wild swings with his fists. “Please! PLEASE!”  
“Gerard, I have not brought you here to hurt you. I am going to take you to a hospital.” Eamon sighed and eased him back down onto the seat, stroking his hair soothingly. “We need to change your appearance. Trust me, the less recognisable you are the better.” Eamon finished rinsing Gerard’s hair and reached for the dye. “After this, no one’s going to peg you for Gerard Devlin.”  
Gerard almost laughed. Yeah, because that’s not my name. “Who am I now?”  
“Gerard Connolly. Straight As in your Leaving Cert and a place in Trinity to do Engineering this year.” Eamon smiled.   
Gerard stared. “How’d you swing that?”  
“Oh, it’s all about who has gambling debts to fine establishments run by the IRA. I’m the second biggest guy in the North. I can swing almost anything.” Eamon grinned. “You’re a smart kid. I expect you to make something great of yourself, do my daughter proud.”  
Gerard smiled weakly. “I will.”  
Eamon raised his eyebrows. “You got the ring yet?”  
“Three more instalments.” Gerard smiled again. “How’d you know?”  
“Well, for one, boy, you asked my permission months ago, if you remember through all that ketamine fog.” Eamon rolled his eyes. “And for another, when I see you with my daughter, there’s no one else I could ever imagine her being with. It’s you, boy. It’s just you.”  
“Thank you.” Gerard closed his eyes again as Eamon started smearing red dye in his hair, the colour of the dye dripping onto his skin mingling with the blood on his face and neck.

Gerard woke up again somewhere along a small side road, and felt a rush of fear. This road is too small, we’re going somewhere isolated, I’m going to be one of the Disappeared, oh Jesus… “Oh my God… Eamon, please don’t kill me, I didn’t kill Erin, don’t kill me…” He closed his eyes, the world spinning despite his panic. “Please don’t kill me… please…”  
“Oh, for Christ…” Eamon rolled his eyes. “Gerard. You’re high. You’re not thinking clearly.” He glanced into the backseat. “For the last time, boy, I’m not going to kill you. We’ve established you’re going to marry my daughter, not that you’ve killed her. We’re on a side road to avoid the Gardai, not so that I can find somewhere quiet to kill you.”  
Gerard tentatively opened one eye. “You promise?”  
Eamon smiled at him kindly. “I promise. Now go back to sleep. You’ll be more comfortable.”  
Gerard nodded and obediently closed his eyes again, drifting off into nothing.

“Erin… Erin, I love you…” Gerard opened his eyes and immediately panicked to find himself in a dark car speeding along a dirt road. “OH GOD, OH GOD, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME-“  
“To the hospital, boy,” said Eamon soothingly. “Just hang in there, boy, OK, hang in there, don’t up and die on me back there because my daughter will NEVER forgive me, and she has her mother’s temper.” He smiled fondly to himself. “Deep breaths, Gerard, OK, you’re bleeding more than I thought so we’re going to stop at the next hospital I can find. Hang on, OK? OK? Just hang on.”  
“OK.” Gerard smiled weakly. “I love Erin…”  
Eamon sighed. “I know you do, boy. I know you do.”

“So you found him at the side of the road like this?” The doctor sounded doubtful as the doctors worked over Gerard, examining his bullet wounds and broken legs.  
Eamon shrugged innocently. “Yeah, I was driving through Monaghan on my way to Dublin, and I saw a flash of red in a ditch at the side of the road, and I pulled over. He was just lying there, unconscious. I thought he’d been hit by a car, so I loaded him in the car right quick and brought him straight here. Here’s the ID I found on him. Gerard Connolly, it says.” He paused and bit his lip in genuine concern. “Will he be OK?”  
“A flash of red. At 60mph. And you felt the need to pull over.” The doctor raised an eyebrow.  
Eamon feigned offence. “What, should I not have stopped for a possibly dying man?”  
The doctor looked skeptical. “And you have no relation to this man?”  
Eamon crossed his arms. “None at all.”  
“Well.” He looked at the door. “So I guess you’ll be leaving now then?”  
“Ye- no. No, I can’t just be leaving him here.” Eamon looked at Gerard as he lay on the trolley. “He’s all alone, poor boy, and he’s so young. He must have a Ma and Da somewhere wondering where he is, and I want at least one person here with him when he wakes up… even if it is a stranger.”  
“Sure, then. You can just park yourself over there, though he’ll be in surgery at least six hours once trauma is done with him. His legs are completely shattered. He’ll need multiple pins and probably knee replacements.” He glanced at a chart and wrote something down. “Name as next of kin until we find his parents?”  
“Michael Docherty,” Eamon smiled innocently. “And will someone come and tell me when the boy is out of surgery?”  
“Yes. Someone will come and find you every time there’s news on the boy.” The doctor gave him a suspicious look and walked away as Eamon sat down in the relatives’ waiting room, chewing his thumbnail and casting worried glances across the hall.

May 28, 1972

“Hmmm…” Gerard frowned and opened his eyes. He was lying in a hospital bed with both legs in casts up to the thigh and thick dressing pads on his stomach. Eamon was sitting in the chair beside him, reading “Saoirse” and frowning, his nails all bitten down to the quick. “Eamon… you waited for me…”  
Eamon put down the newspaper, leaned forward, and patted his arm. “Of course I did, boy… I've got to be fond of you, and you’re practically family…” He smiled. "I was worried about you, boy, and not just because of my Erin. I haven't slept in two days." He winked. “But don’t be spreading it around, like. People will be thinking I’m going soft.”  
Gerard laughed. “I won’t.” He looked down at his legs and winced. “What’d they do to me?”  
“Stitched up the back of your head from the concussive shock of the blanks, seven metal pins in the left leg and a knee replacement, five metal pins in the right leg and a knee replacement, and no need to worry about bullets because both shots were through and through.” He raised his eyebrows. “Took two out of your gut, though. You’re lucky. One nearly hit your mesenteric artery.”  
“You’re the one who shot me,” muttered Gerard.  
“And a fine job it was too, you ungrateful wee sod. Missed everything important and you’ll walk again.” Eamon settled back in his chair. “You’ll be fine, boy. A few weeks here until they get your casts off and you’ll be just fine.”  
“Can you… can you arrange for someone to fetch my Marconi radio and my Enigma machine from my bedroom in Derry?” Gerard looked at him hopefully. “I can draw pictures of what they look like for you so they can find them.”  
“Damned if I know what they are, but sure I can. I’ll send in a man from the electric company, have them take them out in a big bag and bring them to one of Erin’s cousins. I can tell him it’s to do with you spying or something. Erin’s cousin will bring them here for you.”  
Gerard smiled gratefully. “Thank you.”  
Eamon looked at him curiously. “You do love your creations, don’t you, boy?”  
Gerard nodded enthusiastically. “It’s my favourite thing to do, recreate old devices and create my own.” He paused. “I mean, besides Erin.” Wait, Gerard, that sounded TERRIBLE. “I mean, not DO Erin, spend time with Erin-“  
“I’ll have him bring you some drafting paper and instruments too, so you can come up with your designs and things here.” Eamon raised an eyebrow. “And you keep your hands off my daughter, boy, or I’ll REALLY show you what pain is.”  
Gerard swallowed nervously, hoping to God Eamon never found out where his hands had already been on his daughter. “Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome.” Eamon shook his head. “You’re some kind of genius, I’ll give you that. Next great inventor, my Erin says, and she’s no idiot herself.”  
Gerard blushed. “Thank you.”  
“Why? It’s only the truth, boy.” Eamon leaned back in his chair and opened his copy of Saoirse again. “For now, you get yourself some more sleep, or sure those nurses will be after yelling at me again. They’re suspicious enough of me as it is.”

June 13, 1972

“Gerard?”

For a minute Gerard thought he heard Erin’s voice, and he frowned in his sleep.

“Gerard?”

“Erin?” He opened his eyes. “Is that… is that you?”

“Hi, Gerard Connolly.” Erin was smiling nervously from her seat beside him, her long red hair now cropped to mid-shoulder and her hands cradling a small but noticeable baby bump. “I like your new hair.”


	41. 41

June 25th, 1972

Gerard stared at her. “You’re-“  
“I know.” Erin beamed. “I was at the convent, and I missed a period, and then another period, and then another period, so I told the nuns I had a UTI and went to the doctor for a test, and…” She pointed downwards. “Ta da.”  
Gerard blinked. “When? I mean, how?”  
Erin rolled her eyes. “Well, Gerard, I know you went to Catholic school, but I think the ‘how’-“  
“I meant…” Gerard blushed crimson. “I mean, WHEN, we were always so careful…”  
“The last time we were together.” Erin smiled. “We skipped the condom, and… well, turns out one pill DOES count…”  
Gerard couldn’t take his eyes off the bump. “So you’re what, three, four months?”  
“Around three and a half, according to the doctor.” Erin reached out and took his hand. “Are you… happy?” She looked at him nervously, biting her lip.  
Gerard broke into a wide smile. “Yes, Erin. Of course I am!” He reached out to hug her, kissing her deeply. “Can I-“  
“Of course!” Erin grabbed his hand and laid it on her belly, and he looked at her, his thumb stroking it through the fabric of her dress with a huge smile on his face. “This is our baby, Gerard… it’s a new start, a new beginning, something… something that came from how much we love each other.” She looked down. “I can’t really believe it yet, but… Erin laid her hand on his. “This is our child, Gerard, OUR child.”  
“I… Erin, this is…” Gerard shook his head. “Incredible.”  
Erin bit her lip. “I mean… you’re not upset that we’re not married yet?”  
Gerard rolled his eyes. “OK, Erin, so most couples meet, fall in love, get married, and have babies. I fell in in love with you, met you, and now we’re having a baby. I don’t think there’s a right order to this…” He smiled at her. “Just as long as we get them all right… and we will.” Your father is going to murder me for daring to touch his beloved only daughter.  
“We will.” Erin smiled back and squeezed Gerard’s hand. “Our little boy…”  
“A boy?” Gerard felt tears in his eyes. “It’s a boy?”  
“Well… it’s too early to tell, really, but the baby just feels like a he.” Erin shrugged. “Call it women’s intuition.” She sighed. “For now, though, I’m just calling him Squirrel, because he never stops squirrelling away in there long enough for me to get any sleep.”  
Gerard laughed. “That’s my boy.”  
Erin smiled again, moved the chair closer, and laid her head on his shoulder as he put his arm around her. “It is. He’s not kicking yet, but I’m getting all these little flutters already.”  
“So…” Gerard kissed her forehead. “Where’s home?”  
“Near Dublin.” Erin took a deep breath. “Somewhere called Dún Laoghaire. Do you know where that is?”  
“Of course I do. Irish born and bred, remember?” Gerard raised his eyebrows as she handed him a stack of Polaroids. “Dún Laoghaire, huh?”  
“Yup. Dún Laoghaire. Close enough to the ferry terminal that we can make a break for it if we have to, close enough to Dublin that you can commute to Trinity on the DART for your Engineering degree.” She raised an eyebrow. “It’s amazing how easy it was for my dad to forge you perfect scores on a Leaving Cert and somehow insert your name into the list of incoming students for next year, isn’t it? Just one crooked admissions officer with a teensy little gambling debt…”  
Gerard’s mouth fell open. “But Erin, your PPE-“  
“Another time.” Erin smiled sadly. “When I was in the convent in Roscommon, and I found out I was pregnant, I immediately decided that instead of renting a flat, I was going to ask my father to finally sell 14 Marlborough Street and help me buy a little house here for when we had a family. I took a whole stack of Polaroids to show you. You’ll love it.”  
“But Erin…” Gerard stroked her hand with his thumb.. “Erin, you loved that house-“  
“It was time,” said Erin shortly. “It was just…” She shrugged. “It was just time. That house on Marlborough Street is the past, and it’s time we both moved on me and my father. This new place… Gerard, this house is our future. We’ll raise our kids there, grow old together there, spend our whole lives together.” Erin beamed. “Isn’t that exciting?”  
“It is.” Gerard smiled and gestured at the stack of Polaroids. “Can I see the pictures?”  
“Of course!” Erin started pointing through them. “This is the lounge room, and this glass door leads to the kitchen, and this one to the hallway, and up this first flight of stairs is the bathroom and two of the bedrooms, then up this last flight of stairs is the big bedroom. I thought the second, larger bedroom on the first floor could be ours, and the little one could be a nursery… and then the attic room could be a playroom, and then a shared room for more kids…assuming you want more too.” She kissed him. “It’s not much, but it has a back yard for swings, see, a little bit of a lawn, room for a dog, and obviously a couple of cats for you, and all the neighbours know each other. It’s a friendly street, you can see the sea, there’s a beach nearby for the baby to play on and watch the big boats, and… don’t you dare say I told you so, but he’s better off here than Derry. It’s just safer for him to ride his bike, play with his friends, play in the park at the end of the street…” She put her hand on his knee. “Gerard, plans change. You should have realised that by now. Yes, I know, I scream women’s lib and in practice I should be demanding you stay home and take care of Squirrel, but in reality… all I want to do is spend every day with him, watching him grow up. Pressing pause on my education was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. There’s time for saving the world later, Gerard. I only get one chance to see all his firsts.” She smiled.  
“You’re right.” Gerard bit his lip, tears in his eyes, and threw his arms around her. “God, Erin, I’ve missed you so much, I thought I was going to die…”  
“I missed you too, I cried so hard I thought my heart was going to break, and the thought of what you were going through too, and what they were going to do to you…” Erin was sobbing. “Tell me what they did to you, Gerard, tell me it wasn’t awful, please, please…”  
“They… well, there was a change of plan.” Gerard swallowed. “Frank killed a girl he mistook for you behind my house, and they grabbed me outside my house, and they screamed that they knew I had murdered Erin Kelly because she wouldn’t just leave quietly… and then your father shot me in both legs and my stomach, threw me in the back of the car, slammed the door shut, and… honestly, Erin, I blacked out a little from the pain at that point.”  
Erin’s eyebrows shot up. “My dad did WHAT?”  
Gerard waved her away. “I woke up cable-tied to a chair with your father and two men I didn’t know who were apparently IRA enforcers standing over me with crowbars, ordering me to confess. They… well, they tortured a confession out of me as your father cried, and he fell to his knees as I finally confessed to killing you.” He looked away. “I think that was the worst part, having to describe it, having to IMAGINE it, IMAGINE doing that to you…” Tears started to run down his face, and Erin squeezed his hand soothingly. “Then they cut me loose and ordered me onto my knees… and that’s when your father shot me in the head.”  
Erin’s mouth fell open. “MY FATHER DID WHAT?!”  
“Shot me. Blanks.” Gerard smiled weakly. “Knocked me right out. He thought I was actually dead and spent almost ten minutes panicking and trying to bring me round after he sent the enforcers away.”  
Erin bit her lip. “But… what if they don’t believe you’re dead?”  
“Trust me, they will.” Gerard grimaced. “Your father put my clothes on an informant, who he apparently handpicked for being a loner of roughly the same height and build as me, emptied his gun into him, shattered his joints with a sledgehammer, pulled every one of his fingernails, cropped his black hair roughly so it looked like his having shorter hair than me was actually a torture thing too, and… and…” He heaved, his hand flying to his mouth. “And then he burned off his face with lye, gouged “TOUT” across his bare chest with a chisel and a hammer, and dumped him in the road outside the military base. Don’t worry, Erin. I’m dead. When we left, he carried me to the back passenger seat and he told me that ‘if we pass anyone, pretend you’re dead’, smeared some black engine grease from his fingers onto my eyelids so it looked like I had no eyes, and said that since I already had blood everywhere, that that should sell it.” He looked vaguely disgusted at the stunt he’d had to pull. “Then as we left Derry city he cleaned all that off and stopped to dye my hair, because I was almost unconscious by then.” He winced and rubbed his knee, and for the first time she noticed the fingernails missing from his right hand. “Then he dropped me at a hospital in Monaghan, told them my name was Gerard Connolly according to my ID documents, and that he found me at the side of the road.” He smiled a little, “He actually stayed by my side for four days and had your cousins bring me all my things from home, and drafting supplies. THEN he drove back to Derry, where he shot himself in the leg and shoulder and told everyone I had gotten his gun away from him. At least, that’s what your cousin said in the note.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Erin, I’m so happy to see you, but I have to lie flat again, I’m in so much pain still…”  
“Oh, Gerard…” Erin moved away and started to stroke his hair as he lay back down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”  
“That’s OK. I’ve missed you… I’ve just missed you so much… Erin…” Gerard wiped his eyes. “Erin, the first time we made love, on that crappy boat using the creepy dude’s condoms, I realised I would love you forever. I knew I would trust you so much I would share anything with you… that I would trust you and love you above anyone and anything. Being apart almost killed me.”  
“That’s beautiful, Gerard.” Erin reached out and wiped his tears off his cheeks. “I knew there was a reason I loved you…”  
Gerard grinned. “So you don’t just want me for the multiple orgasms?”  
Erin smiled softly and kissed his forehead. “I’m afraid not. You’ve got me for a lifetime… in our beautiful little house…” She put her hand on her belly. “I’m picking up a golden retriever puppy in two weeks. I had one as a little girl, and I adored him. They’re great with kids.”  
“Wow.” Gerard shook his head. “BIG dog.”  
“Big dog indeed. Big goofy dog.” Erin kissed him. “But I didn’t know what kind of cat you wanted, so-“  
“Maine Coon. We should get two, so they can play together.” Gerard smiled. “I love Maine Coons. They’re so smart and creative. They’re the most intelligent cats I’ve ever seen.” He grinned. “And we should definitely call one Schrodinger.”  
“Schrodinger?!” Erin frowned. “For the love of God, why?”  
Gerard took a deep breath. “Well, there’s this science thought experiment-“  
“OK, yup, Schrodinger.” Erin shivered. “I swear, if you raise our children to be huge nerds too…”  
“…then you’ll still love me.” Gerard kissed her gently and started to stroke her back.  
“I do love you.” Erin smiled and curled up protectively around her belly. “But we’re naming the dog Satchmo. No arguments.”  
Gerard frowned. He still didn’t know what or who a Satchmo was. He really needed to find out. “Definitely.”  
Erin smiled. “You do know how awfully your new crimson hair clashes with mine, right?”  
“Yeah.” Gerard grimaced. “I’ve got to admit though, I’m starting to like it… I think it looks cool.”  
“It does.” Erin nodded appreciatively. “I think it’s kind of sexy…”  
“Thank God.” Gerard smiled and pointed at a bell. “Erin, I hate to interrupt, but… can you ring for the nurse to grab me some of my morphine, Erin, please…”  
“Oh God, Gerard, of course!” Erin kissed him. “I missed you too, Gerard. I cried every single day, but when I found out I was pregnant, it was… easier. I mean, I longed to tell you, I wondered if I’d ever get the chance to, but it was like carrying a tiny part of you around with me. I suppose I could have sent it on the Enigma, but it seemed like a ‘face-to-face’ conversation.” She smiled. “And judging by the look I got when you first saw me, I was right.”  
“It was just surprise, nothing else.” Gerard squeezed her hand,  
“I was stroking my stomach by the day after the doctor called. Of course, I kept it a secret at the convent in case they sent me to the laundries.” Erin shuddered. “I wore loose clothing and prayed I wouldn’t start showing, and mostly I didn’t, but in secret I’d whisper to him, tell him all about his daddy and how happy his daddy would be to meet him…” She looked at him. “Or how happy I hoped his daddy would be to meet him…”  
“Well, Daddy is very happy to meet him.” Gerard smiled and pulled her back so her body was nestled against his, his hand on hers and resting on her belly. “So… Squirrel, right?”  
“Squirrel.” Erin nodded decisively. “The little sod doesn’t stay still for a minute. Flutter, flutter, flutter.” She shuddered. “I’m dreading the kicks.”  
“I’m not.” Gerard grinned. “I’m going to sit there all day, feeling my little boy kicking away…”  
“Of course you are.” Erin rolled her eyes.  
Gerard kissed her cheek. “I’ve missed you too, Erin. Every second, every day… it was torture. I was so happy to see you, and so happy to see your little… surprise, as you put it. I can’t wait to get out of the hospital in a few days…” He smiled wickedly. “And not just because of the baby…”  
“I’ve missed you too, perv.” Erin laughed and stroked the side of his face, kissing him deeply. “I love you so much, Gerard.”  
Gerard laughed softly and hugged her tight. “I love you too.”


End file.
